Dh unsupportive of job...or I work too much

[Feellikedancing88]

Dh and I have very different jobs.

Dh is a team leader in a very manual, skilled, job. Works shifts, and very much has the attitude of goes in on time, finishes when shift finishes, doesn't bring work home with. Unable to work from home due to nature of the job. Doesn't really enjoy the job but it pays well.

I have an office based role. Usual office hours although quite flexible in terms of hours to work round childcare etc (core hours 10 - 4, start and end times can vary) lower managerial role. Really enjoy my job. Have been working at home since the start of lockdown, and prior to this usually worked 1 day a week at home as normal.

I'm the higher earner but not by much.

Since lockdown, a lot of the teams have been furloughed, with minimal staff kept on during this period. This has meant for those left on it has had times when it has been quite busy, but as its been odd days, rather than anyone else being brought back, the team in have just covered, meaning some longer hours etc.

Its now starting to get much busier as lockdown is easing so more team members are back in July, however for the next 2 weeks its going to busy for everyone in. The team all know this and are all prepared to work the extra hours needed, knowing that come July we will be able to take some of this time back.

Today I started work at 830 (after school drop off, a few household chores etc) had a half hour lunch which I went for a quick run, and then finished at 515 when dinner was ready. This is a normal day for me.

Dh worked 7 - 2 so was in charge of picking dc up and cooking dinner.

Dh did dinner for 1715, I finished my call a couple of minutes before and came down to a dh in a foul mood saying I work too much, should be logging off at 4pm to spend time with him and dc and that he was fed up of me working so much.

Tried explaining this was a normal day and I hadn't worked longer. Was accused of not wanting to spend time with them.

Would anyone else class this as a long day ?

[SluggishSnail]

Definitely not a long day, by which I'm not implying you don't work hard, OP, more that your husbands view of 'long' is skewed.

I started at 8.20am, and have literally just got off my last call. I had a 20 mins lunch break at about 2.30pm. So 10.5 hours, which I would say is fairly normal for me (senior management)

[leiaskye]

Not a long day, no.

My husband works 6.30am, finishes at 6pm, with a snatched sandwich around 12.

We eat tea at 6pm, when he’s done.

It would be nice if he could finish a bit earlier every now again to spend time with me & the kids. (I finish at 3 we are both WFH), but it’s simply not doable. He’s far too busy.

If your DH wants to spend time with you, then if he was to ask nicely & not like a petulant child, would you be able to, once in a while ?

[Rosspoldarkssaddle]

This is the difference between a job and a career. He can turn off when he leaves, you work until it is done. The only one being unreasonable is him. He can spend some one on one with the DC until you are done. Things will be busy as people return to work and there is work to be picked up for those still off. However, you are supposed to be a team so he should make things easier for you not throw a bloody strop!

[vanillandhoney]

Depends on whether your work is meaningful, surely. And if you're in a salaried position where you're paid to get a particular job done, not an hourly rate, then you deal with the fact that sometimes this can't be accomplished without working into the evening or at weekends.

Only if you choose a job like that, though. When I was employed I always worked jobs with set hours - clock in, work, clock out. No overtime, no evenings, no working on your days off or at the weekends. I now work for myself and set my own hours. If I work an evening or a weekend then I charge accordingly for my time.

Society is wired so that people think it's a good thing to work 50/60 hour weeks on a regular basis. Fuck that

[BiddyPop]

Slightly long, but only because you only took a half hour lunch break.

Our hours are now 09.00 to 17.45 officially, with a 1 hour lunch, as flexi was removed from senior levels a few years back.

More junior levels must do the same time but have flexi so must be in between 10.00-12.30 and 14.30-16.00, but must still overall do the 7hr45 working time during the day and take a minimum 30 minute lunch. They can start from 08.00 and finish up to 19.00 (I think they extended the latter from 18.30 to 19.00 a couple of years back, it might still be 18.30).

At the moment, I am mostly trying to finish up work in the early evening for dinner (teen DD has been a star cooking many nights!!) roughly 6pm, but there are many evenings when I need to come back upstairs and continue later to get stuff done. And DH is exactly the same. I'm lucky to not have had a pay cut (yet - I expect it likely one will be imposed later in the year, as happened in the financial crash in 2008, we were to get the last of those cuts reversed this coming autumn!), but DH has had to take a 20% cut and there are consultations for redundancies, even at his level, within his company.

DD is generally doing a great job of minding herself and us - some mornings if she is here, there is a coffee delivered mid-morning to our desks, she comes with a reminder to take teabreak mid afternoon (so that we won't then interrupt her exercise routine in the late afternoon ), and she has made dinner for the family a fair number of days. But we also make plenty of time for her specifically also to make up for that, and are eating meals together at lunch etc (I used to rarely take lunch but munch a box of salad at my desk in the office).

It sounds like you are doing the same, doing the morning school run etc, and still being around in the evenings for DCs, just not "present" in the afternoons when DH is finished for the day.

[Narrows]

Nobody lies on their death bed wishing they'd spent more time at work.

Depends on whether your work is meaningful, surely. And if you're in a salaried position where you're paid to get a particular job done, not an hourly rate, then you deal with the fact that sometimes this can't be accomplished without working into the evening or at weekends.

Personally I see this thread as a corrective to all those thread from women who say they can't get a job because their DH's job is just too busy and important to factor in flexibility in childminder drop-offs and pick-ups, or staying at home with a sick child.

[vanillandhoney]

Lots of competitive "Well, I work seventeen hours a day, 10 days a week so anything less is lazy" type posts on here.

All the people working 2/3/4 hours a day unpaid, have you figured out how much you're working for free over the course of a year? I wonder what it brings your hourly rate down to when you figure it all out?

I think a lot of people are probably working for less than NMW when everything is considered. Working overtime when it's voluntary and you get paid/time off in lieu is one thing, but doing it for free on a regular basis is just silly.

Nobody lies on their death bed wishing they'd spent more time at work.

[NearlyGranny]

He's had a grumpy moment and said something unreasonable. If it's a one-off, let it go.

If he persists, you could sit him down, remind him that you are partners in this and point out (yet again?) the differences in the way your respective jobs function and the need for you to understand and respect each other's work patterns and styles.

As a last resort, ask him to imagine how the family would be impacted if you stopped work altogether and household income fell by over 50%. Is that what he wants? He seems to think you should be able to work part-time while being paid at the full-time rate.

That would be nice, wouldn't it? Why doesn't he ask his employer for that sweet deal for himself?

[rookiemere]

I tend to work the hours I'm paid for as I'm old and have learnt that if you're reasonable at your job, you don't need to work super long hours, plus I've thus far resisted the grade rise that more or less forces them on you due to others calendars.

I reckon he's annoyed that you squeezed in a run and counts exercise and working as your me time. Anyway he sounds annoying but he might just be grumpy because of lockdown. Remind him that by working these hours you'll get a bit more time off in the school holidays

[ShandlersWig]

Your working hours are an excuse. He wants to say ' I dont want to make dinner every night. It's ok for you to do it but not me. Please finish at 4pm to relieve me of a task I feel is beneath me' but is wrapping it up in faux concern for you.

Call him out on it.

[EngagedAgain]

Nrtft yet. I'm not in the same situation, but from your opening post, it seems to me he simply doesn't want to pull his weight with the childcare, and wanting you to do less under the guise he's concerned about you.

[mindutopia]

He’s being massively unreasonable. I can’t imagine what he’d think of how we work in our house.

Under normal circumstances, 3 days a week I leave at 6:30 and I walk back in the door at 7-8pm. Dh does all the school runs (2 drop offs), homework, cooks dinner, starts bathtime. One day a week I work school hours 9-3. And I’m off the other day. Dh and I both do an extra hour or two of work in the evenings too.

During lockdown, Dh has been taking 1 day off per week to cover childcare to give me one uninterrupted day of wfh. He’s also the higher earner by about a third (he’s self employed so varies a bit).

[billy1966]

He's unsupportive and considering how much you do I would be pissed off.

Do not apologise for doing your best at your job.

Don't be bullied by him.

[oblada]

It also depends on the job. I used to work 60-70hours a week when I worked for a charity for relatively little pay, because I really cared about what I was doing. Nobody was forcing me to do that though. Now I occasionally work 50hours per week though it can also be 40-45 more often. My contractual hours are 37hours but I like to make sure everything is done right and I am well paid for it so I am happy to do it. Again I'm not forced to do it but I do it because I like my job and I take pride in it. And I want to progress.

[snowybean]

I worked 9-6pm in my previous job and now I do 9:30-6:30pm. Sometimes I take lots of breaks throughout the day and sometimes I don't. I occasionally work on weekends, too.

(Sometimes I take nine months off to have a baby 😏)

[Bluntness100]

Normal day, what a twat, I don’t believe for one moment he thinks you can just knock off at four, he just wanted to have a go because he was making dinner

[zoedoodle]

The issue isn’t whether it’s a long day though, is it? It’s communication - did he know when you’d be working?

[serialreturner]

Jesus. I usually did 9-10 hour days and a tonne of travel across Europe. He hasn't a clue. To be fair that's why I totally burnt out though the jobs were very well paid.

[Nogoodusername]

Nope, not a long day. I worked 9.30-7.30 yesterday

[moomoomummy]

It seems to me very unlikely that this would happen the other way round. Women are expected to support their partners working hours, whatever they may be. I feel as a woman who owns her own business and can work long hours, that I put pressure on myself to be home to see the children) cook dinner. None of my male counterparts that do exactly the same job as me have this conflict. Many of them have wives that don't work and everything is done for them. I don't feel resentful, it's just an observation that I have seen over many years. Those wives never question long working hours

[oblada]

Bubbleup - a lot of employees on a salary are expected to do a bit more here and there to get the job done, without expecting further financial compensation. It is reasonable at this difficult time to expect the staff to help out by working a bit extra on a temporary basis especially given that they are no longer required to commute.
Seems fair to me anyway!

[Tanaqui]

Has he somehow muddled up core hours with compulsory hours, and in his head you are therefore supposed to finish at 4?

[bubbleup]

"I work full time, 40 hours a week so 8 hour days are expected. I think everyone is expecting us to work a bit more as we're at home and less commute which is fine and I have no issue with"

Have you worked more than 40 hours for free and do you usually get paid for your commute?

[Feelingpoorlysick]

@Shoppingwithmother

5.15pm is really early to eat dinner, surely?

Not if you eat as a family with the kids

[Whatnow321]

OP I could have written this post myself. I’m in exactly the same position and me and my husband are constantly bickering about it. So you have my deepest sympathy as I find it very emotionally draining.

My DHs workplace is very unionised and therefore any minute he works over he gets paid for. Due to current lockdown he’s doing similar a 6am start and early finish but having to go into the office. I’m working from home and juggling our kids in the morning until he gets home but then doesn’t understand why I’m working past 4pm. I think the most part of it is he doesn’t like dealing with the kids on his own and doesn’t seems to realise how impossible it is for me to try and work with the kids. I’m not doing my full hours, struggling to keep up with work and Stressed as it is and so don’t need a lecturer about what hours I should and shouldn’t be working. No solution but wanted to know you’re not alone.