To ask how you cope with no/minimal sleep?

[Wine4Breakfast]

Not a mum, trying with DH later this year for our 1st DC!

Before hopefully falling pregnant I would like a good, honest idea of motherhood and a lot of aspects such as never getting time alone, poop explosions and financial impact do not bother me!

I do get scared about lack of sleep - not enough to put me off wanting to be a mother! However, when I don’t get enough sleep usually I really suffer I don’t know if it is because I think about it more but there’s been times I’ve vomited and nearly passed out due to tiredness when I’ve had 1-4 hours for the full night.

I wanted to know if it just becomes the new norm? Do you really just get used to it and are able to carry on?

I fear that the lack of sleep will hit me like a ton of bricks (like it does if I experience it now!) and then I can’t possibly be a good mother if I react to minimal sleep like that?

Reassurance and/or honesty is appreciated !

[Deanetta]

I am like you, sleep deprivation is awful for me. But we got through it (we were lucky with a very well behaved baby, who started sleeping through the night at about 3 months).

I don't know what your plans are re work etc (I went back to work after 8 weeks and my DH is the stay at home parent), but my advice is to have both of you at home for as long as you can afford it - for at least a month. I found the first month was the killer, even though we were both at home and I formula fed. I don't know how I would have coped if DH had 2 weeks paternity leave and then went back to work. After the first month it got easier.

Echoing what others have said - accept as much help as you can. Use that time to catch up on sleep.

If you formula feed, get into shifts so that you can have a chunk of sleep in one go. For instance, DH would go to bed at 10 and I would stay up until midnight-ish and do the final feed of the night then. I would then go to bed and he would do the 3am feed. I would then get about 6 hours of straight sleep.

[gonewiththerain]

It’s not easy. I eat a lot more when I don’t get much sleep but don’t gain weight so I must need the calories to compensate.
Get dh to do the evening or early morning shift and if you’re really lucky and mil or in my case dm will do the odd night so you can get a full night without being woken. I did bf which makes it a little trickier.
I found it was manageable if I slept in 90 minute chunks. When ds was waking me every 45 mins daily tasks such as counting and driving had to be out on hold. If you can get 4 hours in a block and then another block later in the night you start feeling almost normal

[Yester]

I did everything possible to make sure mine slept OK and they did in the main. For day one I made nights boring, going to sleep when possible with eyes open and 100s of other things. Also controlled crying. No sleep makes me ill (bipolar and other fun) Worked with all of mine.

[speakout]

Lack of sleep was never an issue for me.
My children were frequent night wakeners, but I found as long as I managed to get a total of 8 hours in a 24 hour period I was fine.
Even though that sleep was broken, and it meant often going to bed at 8pm myself.
I safeguarded my sleep.
There are some interesting ideas about "monophasic sleep" and how many cultures don't see it as important as we do in Western societies.
Once that idea clicked with me the rest was easy.
Babies sleep more than adults.
Make sure you sleep during those times.

[Eyelashe]

You don't really, you just sometimes are sick. It's really hard but it doesn't kill you
And you appreciate sleep afterwards

[Oly4]

It’s horrendous in the first six months then slowly improves, minute by minute.
You have to go to bed really, really early to get any rest. Let your DH get up with the baby for an hour or so every morning so you can grab an hour then, lay in on weekends.
Don’t sleep train... they settle down eventually without all that.
You just get through it

[SarahAndQuack]

I am not a bio mum (putting it up there as it's obviously very relevant).

I was really worried how I'd be before we had DD. I really needed my sleep, struggled to wake up, etc. Those worries turned out to be unnecessary. I found it easy to wake up when I heard a cry, and you start sleeping very lightly and being very aware of them. I never felt as if I was blurry when I needed to be jumping up to give her a cuddle and get her some milk. I'd been really concerned I'd sleep through her whimpering/crying, but I never did.

However, I don't think anything prepares you for the full horror of a baby who really isn't a good sleeper. Everyone tells you 'sleep when the baby sleeps' or 'have a nap when she does'. For the first year my DD didn't sleep or nap during the day, unless we were driving her around or she was in her pushchair. And she only slept in 20-30 minute bursts. Then for her second year she mostly gave up even those naps, but also went to sleep around 10/11 and woke around 5/6. We were zombies and it was hell. I used to drive for miles with the radio on, not because she was sleeping but because she'd be quiet and I could get a tiny mental break. She's now 3 and thank god, she's suddenly got into a routine and goes down around 8-9 until 6-7, and if she wakes in the night she's fairly easy to settle. But, oh, my lord, those first years!

It's not the ton of bricks effect that got to me. It was the relentlessness of the fact she genuinely, every day, needed less sleep that I did. I thought struggling with sleep would mean I was a bad mum - and honestly, I wasn't - but it affected our relationship badly and my career badly. There was a patch of months where she would wake in the middle of the night and just scream, inconsolably, for an hour or so. I had no idea how long it all went on for.

I would do the newborn stage again, any time, like a shot, if it meant avoiding the time between 6 months and three years.

[MamaPip]

I loved my sleep now even when my babies are asleep I’m staring at the ceiling ! You end up loosing the ability to sleep as I find myself waiting for them to wake !! Mind you mine are still only young the eldest will be three soon and the youngest is 5 months . Your body adjusts / I may be a lot crankier / Coca Cola and smarties are my best friend how people get through without high dosages of sugar I would never know 😩

[hammeringinmyhead]

It was the absolute worst part of becoming a mother for me. I fed every 2 hours for weeks and weeks, but I pretty quickly learned to feed on my side and doze, then put DS back in his side sleeper cot and pass out again. I can't remember how long each stage was exactly, but we had about 6 months of 3-4 wakeups, another 6 of 2, and then he finally started sleeping through in February at about 15 months.

My suggestion is to take a full year of mat leave. I did this and still had to call in sick a couple of times when DH was away, after I had been literally up all night with a teething baby. I also developed a sweet tooth post partum - you'll need the cake and chocolate.

The absolute best thing for me was having relatives help. MiL sat holding DS for 3 hours during the day on a regular basis so I could sleep. It's hard though. It feels a bit like bad hayfever. Gritty eyes, headache, grogginess.

[SarahAndQuack]

Oh, yes, and the patch when she was going down at 11 and getting up at 5, she was also waking up multiple times in the night.

I thought newborns meant you were sleep deprived because they woke you up a lot. They absolutely do, but you just feed them and cuddle them.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

Hi OP
The only way I coped was having a partner who did his share. It sounds obvious but we had a bad sleeper - up every 90 min until 7 months old. I literally couldn't cope with anything else, we had to put our eldest in nursery full time as I was too tired to look after her. He drove her to ans from nursery as well as taking them both in the day at weekends so I could nap and getting up and doing the first shift with them so I could keep sleeping.

We sleep trained at 7 months as well, that worked amazingly well. Now they only wake up when they are ill or have a nightmare or when they've accidentally had a nap in the day. And he tends to get up with them, he is just better on less sleep than me.

Also I could never nap before I had kids and I don't like it again now but when they were little I became a napper

[HeyMaCorona]

Well, it's a nightmare the first couple of months if you have an average baby or a poor sleeping baby (some babies r freaky and sleep through, but don't count on it!)

Thing is, when it happens you don't have a choice. You get through it. You enjoy and savour some.midnight cuddles with baby, and before you know it 8 weeks turns to 8 months, turns to 8 years old, then suddenly they're 18 and you'd love a cuddle and miss the little.babies they once were, knowing the next baby cuddles won't be til your a grandma.

[addictedtotheflats]

Naps were incorporated into my day pre DS. I liked a good 10 hours a night but to be honest its not been THAT bad. Ive always tried to nap when he naps and still do at 14 months. Lots of coffee and supportive friends/husband/partner also got me through. We co slept until 10 months which really helped and still do for part of the night now when he wakes up from his cot about 3-4am. You just adapt, theres no other alternative really.

[2020iscancelled]

Honestly the lack of sleep and constant night interruptions really affected me with DC1, it definitely contributed to PND. Not the cause but a contributing factor.

You do however get used to it to an extent and you find ways to cope. DC2 hasn’t been half as bad so it does also very much depend on the baby as well - you may get lucky but even the new borns who sleep like a dream tend to regress at some point (the 4 mth regression is HELL).

There are ways to mitigate it though I guess:

Ensure your DH is fully onboard with your sleeping issues and is willing and able to split the nights and to help with early mornings too. It’s not just during the night, sometimes you get them to successfully sleep through and then they’re up at half 4 chirping away!!!

Breastfeeding and cosleeping- not everyone’s preferred methods but you definitely sleep more this way.

Good sleep routine from the start (doesn’t necessarily work all the time but it doesn’t hurt).

Reach out for family and friend support so you can have catch up sleeps when you really need it.

Eat healthily - lack of sleep leads to massive sugar cravings and poor diet, which generally makes you feel worse so trying to stick with healthier choices won’t make you sleep more but it may help you not to feel so rough.

Going to level with you - the hardest part of being a parent for me is the lack of quality sleep. The days of a nice long deep restorative sleep are long gone for me. I’m sure it comes back but not for years. I wouldn’t not have kids over it though!

[speakout]

It wasn't a nightmare.

My OH had two days off work, no family help. Baby breastfeeding every two hours.
It was fine.
I would feed/nap/eat /sleep whenever I needed to.

Pretty relaxing actually.

[Minniem2020]

Ds was a terrible sleeper until Jan this year when he was 22 months. Never slept through, fed every 3 hours when he was younger then when he got older would be up for 2-3 hours through the night. He'd usually fall back to sleep around 5.30-6,just when I needed to be starting to get ready for work. He still doesn't sleep through every night&can be up a couple of times.
Honestly now when I think back to how I used to put those nights in&then head off to work I've no idea how I did it but somehow you just do.
I'd often be in bed by 8.30 of an evening so that I could get a few hours in before the fun would start and took advantage of any quick nap I could get in through the day on my day off. Even the odd 10 mins here&there can make all the difference.
Some days I would be so tired I'd feel sick but any bit of sleep you can grab does help&it hasn't stopped me wanting another 1

[2020iscancelled]

Oh yeah also just go to bed early - I don’t do that so much with DC2 as they sleep much sounder than DC1 but with my first I kind of have to just give in and go to bed at 8.30 to have a couple of good solid hours before they woke up and fucked around in their cot for a few hours

[Wine4Breakfast]

Wow this thread has really made me feel quite a bit better!

No worries with DH either! We’re quite a good team (so far) and I ensure we talk rather than bottle things up so he knows well that if I felt he wasn’t pulling his weight, I’d give him an earache for it. Not only that but he is fantastic with his nieces and nephews. When we have babysat he was always the first to shoot out of the bed to see to them, this however doesn’t help with the very broody part of me

So much love to all of you wonderful mammas

[FleurDaxeny]

No, you never get used to it. You just cope because you have to. You feel like shit, you look like shit and you just drag yourself around until it gets better. You just concentrate very hard on staying safe.

If you can, ask anyone (anyone you trust) for relief and give you a full night sleep as often as possible: your mum, your sister, even your MIL if they can stay overnight regularly, once a week if possible.

It still better than expecting your partner to hold a full time job and share the misery with you, you BOTH need sleep. Be very careful about the competitive exhaustion that can ruin some couples. You are BOTH tired, and need equal sleep.

That said, some babies sleep a lot better than others. Just don't be afraid to ask for help, it's worth it.

[SarahAndQuack]

Oh yeah also just go to bed early

Yes, but be ready for this advice not to work. The bottom line is if your child is still awake, they may not let you do this.

[SummerInSun]

You'll be fine. As others have said, live and hormones - and a supportive partner - take you a long way. And you won't be trying to work during the early days, and give yourself permission now to drop your standards on housework, etc, for a while. Always nap in the day when the baby naps, don't clean the kitchen!

But also, another vote here for establishing a routine early and early sleep training. That doesn't mean sleeping through necessarily, but it does mean learning to fall asleep in the basket / cot at regular times. I found night breastfeeding my DC wasn't a problem if all I had to do was get up, feed, then pop the baby back in the basket/cot and then go straight back to sleep myself.

[Doggybiccys]

@Wine4Breakfast - However, when I don’t get enough sleep usually I really suffer I don’t know if it is because I think about it more but there’s been times I’ve vomited and nearly passed out due to tiredness when I’ve had 1-4 hours for the full night.

Are you being serious?? You nearly pass out if you don’t get a full nights sleep? I have terrible insomnia and 4 hours would be a great night for me. Most nights I get 2 -3 hours. It’s shit and has put me on the brink of alcoholism ( to knock myself out).

Saying that, when my DC were babies, I just accepted it. I made a point of letting DH Sleep if I was up BF so he was rested and could pick up the slack during the day to let me nap. My friend used to wake her DH to hold her hand and gaze during night feeds for bonding but I am more pragmatic I guess.

[20viona]

It's fine honesty yes you'll have tired days but we all do. At first adrenaline gets you through and then hopefully they sleep 4-5 hours at a time. Always split the get ups with your husband too so it's fair.

[sayanythingelse]

Not all children are bad sleepers. My DD has slept through since she was 15 weeks old. She's 2.5y now and I can count the number of times she's woken me up in the night since on one hand.

It's swings and roundabouts though, she sleeps well but she's like a hurricane throughout the day and she never stops from waking up until bedtime.
That and the following me around everywhere and constantly having to be touching me/jumping on me/climbing on me/asking questions has been the hardest part of parenting so far. Very tiring but for different reasons!

[Sevo7]

I had pregnancy insomnia for nearly the entire pregnancy with DD which I didn’t even know was a thing! Was managing on 3/4 hours at night and a nap in the day through most the pregnancy right up to the birth so I wasn’t off to a good start.

She was a dreadful sleeper and would only sleep laid on me for the first 3 months and then next to me after that. I was breastfeeding and DP was completely useless and couldn’t settle her at all so it was all left to me. I sort of survived and was surprised how well I did on such broken sleep for so long.

When I stopped breastfeeding at 9 months she started sleeping better and finally started to sleep in her cot. It felt amazing to get a full nights sleep after so long. I remember feeling almost euphoric after a couple of nights of 8 hours sleep.

Then at 12 months I started work again and DD decided that actually she didn’t like sleeping through and started to wake several times in the night again. I’d managed fine the first time but this time it hit me like a tonne of bricks and I literally couldn’t cope and felt seriously mentally unwell. It was like after being given a full nights sleep back it was all too much to take and body couldn’t handle it

She’s 18 months now and still often wakes, one quick wake up I can deal with but more than that and I’m absolutely shattered and on edge the next day. I genuinely don’t know how I coped with so little sleep before and it’s seriously put me off having any more babies!

I should add I also have an older child who slept through from 12 weeks and was a breeze!