AIBU to resent others judging me?

[oxymomon]

People judge me. Every day. Some overtly make sly / passive aggressive / judgmental comments. Some don't but I can tell by their body language.

I'm different. I am in a senior position in a multinational company and am married without children. The two are unrelated facts. The reasons we don't have children are many and complex... I desperately wanted to be a mother but that wasn't my destiny. It's also nobodies business but ours so we don't discuss.

I've always been hard working and ambitious. I am judged as a female leader. I am labelled a "career woman" and judged for that. I am judged for having an opinion on topics like politics and the economy. And I am constantly judged for not being a Mum ... perhaps all the more so for daring to have a career AND not be a Mum.

I've been hit by too many slings and arrows and my defences are getting weak. The snide comments no longer bounce off me. They hit me. They hurt me. I feel like a punching bag. I resent the judgment of others. My lifestyle is different but is that a crime?

Do you judge married women who don't have children? Do you judge "career women" (a term I despise by the way)?

How about married men without children... do you hold them to the same standard? Do you judge them? How about "career men" (I know, it's not a term you ever hear used ... they're just men who happen to have a career) .. do you judge them?

AIBU to resent being judged? And how can I better deal with the constant judgment of others, of society?

[Timesdone]

You are judged all your school & working life. Exams, team sports (or not), qualifications, job interviews, work appraisals, social activities etc. It is only now that I'm retired and financially sound, that I feel free from it all. I will never apply for another job or sit another bloody assessment of any kind. I'm done with been evaluated by others and it's a great sense if relief.

[Sweetlikecoca]

Everyone judges to some degree. Don’t let it bother you. Who is judging you exactly?!

Concentrate on your circle of friends as long as your happy it doesn’t matter what others think.

[LillianBland]

Oh please. All this nonsense about the OP imagining it, etc. Women are constantly judged and those in higher career positions definitely get judged. I’ve seen it happen for years. Women are held to a much higher standard than men. Anyone who hasn’t witnessed that is either very unusual, very unobservant or partaking in the judgment, but don’t want to admit it. They are judged as odd or even heartless for not wanting kids or as less than if they can’t.

[emilybrontescorsett]

I don't judge. I don't actually care if I'm honest. I work with mostly women and some have children others dont. I never ask the childfree colleagues if they want or wanted children, it's not my business. I'm not really interested in my colleagues children if I'm honest I just ask in general chit chat to be polite.
I do judge those who do spend quality time with their children. Mn has been an eye opener for me as to how many fathers spend so little time with their children. It's very sad and disturbing.
Anyhow op, in think your MIL and BIL are very rude. I would tell your dh how this upsets you and that unless they stop, you really don't want to spend much time with them.
The next time either one of them makes a rude comment why not reply with, did you mean to be so rude? And leave the comment hanging in the air. Don't fill the silence just say that, every time. If they don't stop tell your dh to either have a word with them or don't visit them.
To be fair your dh should put his mother and brother in their place but I see they bully him. They also think they can bully you by extension.
As for work I really think some people just don't think. Others are just making small talk.

[emilybrontescorsett]

Don't spend quality time.

[SecretSpAD]

Yes, I've been judged for the same thing.

Now I'm judged for having adopted children and have had to listen to crap such as you're not areal mum; doesnt it make you regret not having your own? (Nope); you're not their mum so you can't expect them to do as you say; and my particular favourite - they should have gone to their dad (who fucked off before my daughter was born and has been in and out of prison since so yeah, excellent parent); they should have gone to their grandparents as you two don't know what to do (if their grandparents had been good parents then their mother wouldn't have ended up on drugs in an abusive relationship and their son wouldn't care if they were alive or dead).

Have come to the conclusion that as women we are always judged. We are wrong if we don't want children, wrong if we do and even more wrong if we decide to adopt two teenagers we have loved and cared for for years.
We're judged if we stay at home. Judged if we work.
Very much judged if we dare "have a past" and thought of as a slut. While men are praised for being a stud.

I could go on, but the bottom line is - you're a woman. Society will judge you whatever so think fuck it and live your life how you want.

[DestinationFkd]

I don't give a fig about who judges me.
Any questions are usually met with a
' What's it got to do with you '
Before carrying on with what I was doing.
Not many people ask me anything personal at home or work.
Maybe you should do the same OP.

[nanbread]

Sounds shit for you - but it also sounds like the majority of your problem is with family members, can't you or DH tell them to shut it?

I have quite a few child free friends and I don't judge them at all. In fact I sometimes feel envious of their freedom.

I do however think that people without kids can't really understand what it's like to be a parent and the stress and responsibility it brings, and the impact on careers and life in general. I've certainly been discriminated against at work and in interviews for having children or being of childbearing age.

I wonder if perhaps you have inadvertently made some comments they've taken exception to about being a mum as well and some of the comments about your being a career woman were made in retaliation?

[MissSmiley]

@waveysnail I agree

OP if you want to manage your families comments I would suggest being more open with your feelings and situation, I think people are less likely to judge you or come t if you share your experiences and feelings with them, I agree with your "right to privacy" and not over sharing but being closed off doesn't endear you to them, talk about your desires and disappointments and people will welcome you more openly and you will improve your relationships with them

You have nothing to be ashamed of either choosing not to have children or not being able to so a similar stance with work colleagues won't do you any harm imho

[ConstanceSalinger]

This has got nothing to do with your "executive job", stealth boast you do know that there are women desperate for children who work in shops, call centres, carers, teachers, sahw, who could all feel the same as you about not having children not just those who are implied to be "hard working and ambitious" . You have a DH problem. Let your DH set the expectations with his family, it's not your job. You don't sound like you like them anyway so ignoring them shouldn't be a big deal.

To be honest, you've written more about your job than anything else despite the issue not actually being your job. Maybe you come across this way in real life?

[Ginfordinner]

You have nothing to be ashamed of either choosing not to have children or not being able to so a similar stance with work colleagues won't do you any harm imho

I agree. I simply don't understand why some people think not wanting or not being able to have children is anything to be ashamed of.

For someone in a senior position you seem to lacking in assertiveness.