AIBU to resent others judging me?

[oxymomon]

People judge me. Every day. Some overtly make sly / passive aggressive / judgmental comments. Some don't but I can tell by their body language.

I'm different. I am in a senior position in a multinational company and am married without children. The two are unrelated facts. The reasons we don't have children are many and complex... I desperately wanted to be a mother but that wasn't my destiny. It's also nobodies business but ours so we don't discuss.

I've always been hard working and ambitious. I am judged as a female leader. I am labelled a "career woman" and judged for that. I am judged for having an opinion on topics like politics and the economy. And I am constantly judged for not being a Mum ... perhaps all the more so for daring to have a career AND not be a Mum.

I've been hit by too many slings and arrows and my defences are getting weak. The snide comments no longer bounce off me. They hit me. They hurt me. I feel like a punching bag. I resent the judgment of others. My lifestyle is different but is that a crime?

Do you judge married women who don't have children? Do you judge "career women" (a term I despise by the way)?

How about married men without children... do you hold them to the same standard? Do you judge them? How about "career men" (I know, it's not a term you ever hear used ... they're just men who happen to have a career) .. do you judge them?

AIBU to resent being judged? And how can I better deal with the constant judgment of others, of society?

[Rocksandstones]

@dontdisturbmenow I agree that people are judged for all sorts but men are not judged for going back to work after having children. Or judged for not having children, or for being a ‘career man’..

[megladon2020]

Some of the comments you've received are terrible. I think you need to toughen up- be proud of what you have achieved as an individual and think of a few set phrases that you can say that will cut people to the bone.

When someone asks 'why do you not have kids?' , it's totally reasonable to return the question 'why do you have kids?. It's only when you challenge people will they start to understand how crass their questions are.

[Lifeisconfusing]

I feel like your post wasn’t about the judging,I feel like it was a resentment that you don’t have children. I feel like you should maybe explore this. You say you would love to be a mum? Go ahead and have a baby if indeed you can. You can still have a good career and a child. You won’t regret a child but you may regret not having one.

I may be wrong but I think your probably judging yourself rather than others judging you.

[borntohula]

Wouldn't even give you a second thought tbh.

[SerenDippitty]

Lifeisconfusing have you actually read the OP and OP’s subsequent posts?

[Lifeisconfusing]

Op just read more of the thread. I totally think we are all judged my sil has never had a baby she has tried years ivf many times etc. My bf is a single mum her dh left her she’s judged for being single.
I think single mums are judged just as bad as career woman. People are judged for being married. Sahp are judged for not working. I’m currently being judged for being furloughed in this life we can’t win. Your prob am just feeling more sensitive today we all get like that.

Brush yourself off continue to be happy with your career dh. Travel live and be happy life’s to short .

[Lifeisconfusing]

@SerenDippitty no I hadn’t but I had just replied when your message popped up.

[Gatehouse77]

I wouldn't judge you for the reasons you've stated.

But I also wouldn't give a damn about the opinions of people who are not directly involved in my life. For me, one massive positive about being an adult is that I get to choose who's opinions (judgements?) I value and would listen to and who's not to.

Why does the judgement of these people bother you if you are confident in your choices?

[namesnames]

Can you restrict time spent with your in-laws?

I don't think a single question asking why you don't have children is judging, it's nosey and inappropriate, could it have been a clumsy way to make conversation?

Do you feel judged every single time you're asked about your life?

From what you've written, I'm not sure why you feel you're 'different'.

I've also never associasited 'career women' as people with or without children, just as women with a career.

[GreyHare]

Women without children for whatever reason be it choice or nature are judged and treated with suspicion by other women, even more so if you choose not to divulge why to them, I have never asked how or why mothers chose to conceive their children, so why should some feel it's ok to why others haven't. Also you get joyful comments such as those so ably demonstrated by Lifeisconfusing

I'm sorry you feel like you do OP and your in-laws sound like arses.

[crazychemist]

I think you need to give some examples - who is it that is judging you on a daily basis? We can’t really know if it’s reasonable treatment without knowing what the treatment is.

In laws - ok, so they probably do care about whether you have children or not. Family are interested in you. Has your DH spoken to them about children? It says you don’t want to discuss, but I think generally it is best to have some degree of openness within a family. If you can’t have children, why doesn’t your DH just tell his parents to back off and tell them that the two of you aren’t able to have children, but you don’t wish to discuss the details as they don’t need to know them? It might be that they always assumed he wanted children, he’s always said he wanted children, if you had traditional marriage vows (no idea if you did or not) these actually mention children..... they might think of you as someone cruelly denying your husband something he’s always wanted. He should set the record straight and tell them to stop the snide comments if they expect to have a good relationship with him - you are his WIFE.

Surely if it’s every day though, you can’t just mean in laws. Who are you referring to?

[Waveysnail]

OP my friend a stop.to all.the hassle.by turning round to family and saying 'we cant have children, end of story, please respect our feelings'

[Ginfordinner]

Do you judge married women who don't have children? Do you judge "career women" (a term I despise by the way)?

No, and no.

I didn’t have DD until I was 41, and never felt judged for not having any children. Maybe I am more thick skinned than you.

Our HOD is a career woman, she even told us that her career is important to her. Do I judge her? No. Why would I? She is also a mother, and is a great boss.

You either work with some jealous arseholes or you are too thin skinned.

So stand up for yourself. People are making comments you find hurtful but you are never telling them. Call them bloody out on it. Just sitting there and taking it isn't really working for you. So change strategy

This ^^. And your husband needs to grow a backbone.
Your families sound insensitive and your friends sound like arseholes. Can you just tell them that conversations about having children are off the table? If you can’t have children, just tell them.

I thought I couldn’t have children, and told everyone so, so these kind of discussions never happened. Why can’t you just tell them that the subject is closed? I never felt any shame in telling people that we weren't able to have children. It was a good conversation killer, and the subject never came up again once people knew. You and your husband need to stand up for yourselves more.

[SerenDippitty]

OP my friend a stop.to all.the hassle.by turning round to family and saying 'we cant have children, end of story, please respect our feelings'

There is every chance this family would start going on about IVF adoption etc though. The MIL is already sending her articles about IVF. Seems a big no-no to just accept you can’t have children.

[Thehop]

Nobody ever asked my husband how he juggles his career with fatherhood.

[alittlelower]

Nobody ever asked my husband how he juggles his career with fatherhood
Sadly, that's because everyone assumes there is a wife/mother helping him out.

[allthedamnvampires]

Cut these people out. They don't like you. Make space for better people. Why are you hanging on to them?

[ToDoListAddict]

I come from a large family and I'm one of the few relatives that don't have children.
I do get asked time to time when am I finally going to have children, because to them babies are life.
I am further up the career ladder than my relatives with children but I don't feel like I'm judged for being a "career woman", if anything I feel like they pity me.
But my sister said something that surprised me. She said she likes that I'm child free. I do tend to spoil my nieces and nephews, but she said it wasn't about the money, it's that I have the time to spend with them. That they have someone to go to with their problems that isn't distracted by their own children's issues.
She's an aunt too but with having her own children, it's harder for her to devote time to the nieces and nephews.
She was the first person to make me feel that it's a good thing that I'm child free and I'll never forget that.

[SurreyHillsGirl]

I’m married, childfree and have a good job. I don’t feel judged at all and anyway, other people’s opinions of me are none of my business 🤷🏻‍♀️ you do you, OP, dont concern yourself with what other people think.

[afinetoothcomb]

@Zfactorstar

I'm sorry, but you're post just reads of deep insecurity and a bit of paranoia. I think you will be very surprised how little other people actually think about you. Most people are way to wrapped up in their own world to care about others.

I agree with this. You need to work on how you feel about you. When I think about my situation I'm sure people judge me. I'm late 40's, single for the last 8 years, a lone parent, twice divorced, declared bankrupt last year and rent. However, the people who are important to me don't judge and everyone else can shove their judgemental opinions up their too tight arses 😁

[gruffalo28]

I'm sorry to hear this OP. I believe that you are getting judged (although it may be that some of the overt judegment from family has made you paranoid and you sometimes think people are judging you when really their mind is just elsewhere worrying about their own problems - this is normal to start thinking like this after you have been bruised a few times).

I agree with some other posts that you tend to be judged as a woman regardless. I am a SAHM. I used to be a city lawyer with a very successful career. My third child was diagnosed with autism at 2.5 years old. I decided to stay at home (and was fortunate enough to be able to doso) to help him develop/help with therapies. He is doing very well but I still think its beneficial for him to have me there at the end of the school day, to arrange carefully structured playdates, practice the latest SLT techniques. Someone else might be able to do it but I'm not convinced they would do it so well.
My older children are doing well educationally and have similar friends.When I meet their friend's parents who usually all work I can see their eyes glaze over if I say I don't work. Automatic assumption about what type of person I am, how bright I am etc. TBH I am usually very vague about my work status. Its just how the world is, we all seem to judge other people without being aware of their circumstances.Not sure we can solve it for you but YANBU to find it annoying. PS Go low contact with your in-laws.
I

[HollowTalk]

Is there any way you could make an international move and get away from your in laws? Btw you know they'd be just as judgemental if you did have children. The only thing to do is to see them much, much less.

[Eileithyiaa]

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't OP

I am also in a very senior position in a large multi-national but I have a 3 year old. I get made to feel like a bad mum for having a career that can occasionally be long hours and requires travel. Three days of each month (not at the moment due to the pandemic) I spend out of the country due to my job.

I get comments like "who looks after your daughter"? And from my own mother "she is only little once, you will regret not spending every minute with her one day".

I don't understand why they think she is being neglected love when she is in good hands with her dad, and it doesn't mean I love her any less.

As a woman in a highly paid job/position you will always come under fire for something.

Just turn the other cheek or tell them to fuck off