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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did anyone else feel they wanted to be childfree from an early(ish) age?

53 replies

Inventra · 02/06/2020 20:40

Hi everyone, first time poster here Smile but have read threads on here (often concerning this subject) with interest.

Just that really, I'm 20 and at university. Having thought about this often, I'm pretty sure I'm leaning more towards the side of not having kids. Disclaimer - I fully appreciate that there have been many cases of people swearing blind when they were my age that they'd never want kids, only to have gone down the procreative path in their 30s, so never say never! However, I have thought pretty deeply about this. I also get that for many people it's an uncontrollable, illogical urge - after all, the meaning of life once we strip everything back is just to procreate! Obviously I have a sex drive but no burning desire to reproduce - glad we're in an age of overwhelmingly effective contraception.

To an extent, I think this could partly be linked to me being an only child, and a fairly introverted one at that. Throughout my childhood, I often had long periods of solitude/having to entertain myself, and feel perfectly content with and revel in my own company. (I do have friends, but don't need to be around someone else all the time IYSWIM). Further to me not having siblings, all of my cousins are now in their early 30s (and at the stage I'm at now - uni, gap years etc - when I was a kid) so I've never really had much experience of living with people my own age in a domestic setting while I was growing up.

I suppose up until around I was 15-16 or so, I'd sort of assumed I'd go down the conventional "marriage and kids" route as I hadn't really questioned it/considered the alternative, but having read around online and thought more deeply about it, I'm veering much more towards going the childfree lifestyle. I guess in a way, having had something of a sheltered childhood and never having endured the rough-and-tumble of competition with siblings, I hadn't really considered - from what it now seems to me at least - the seemingly relentless drudgery involved in many facets of parenting, especially in the early years! I fully respect those that chose to take on the responsibility of having DC, but I don't think I'd really like having that 24/7 "always on" IYSWIM. When I've finished my day's public side (being at my occupation etc) I like to unwind in peace.

Occasionally I think of some of the priceless "Instagram moments" - the idyllic family Christmas scene, one of the "nuclear family" cultural tropes I guess as well, being the one that comes to mind - and then I remember that for every one fleeting moment like that, there are 99 messier and unglamorous ones - tantrums to name but one. I suppose for many that makes it all worthwhile, in the kind of "nothing worth having comes easy" ilk - which is fair enough of course. However, I don't personally think it'd be worth it enough for me. Sometimes, I occasionally think in passing "oh that'd be nice if I had a family", then quickly remind myself of the reality and am firmly back to my childfree outlook!

Another thing that is a major factor in it for me is cost - the c. £250k figure of raising a child from birth to 18 is often bandied about. Again, fair enough if you do want to be a parent - but it does seem an awful lot. I was staggered at how much childcare costs, for example, and how in many cases, many parents (most often women) have to work for often what amounts to nothing, once childcare costs have been deducted, for a few years.

I should add I'm in a fairly fortunate position, especially in the current climate - which I fully acknowledge and appreciate how lucky I am. My family are kindly funding my studies, so I will graduate debt-free, and I have a comfortable portfolio of savings and GP inheritance - and my DPs have said they have some for a house deposit for me, should I need it. I also have a part time job which I'm saving my wages from and adding to my overall pot. So in a way, if my inclination was the opposite (i.e. wanting to have kids in the future) I'd have a head start on many that will be potentially paying off student debt/not have any savings or family support.

Plus, although I'm at university, reading how full-on and draining a lot of the "corporate" jobs are really puts me off in a way. Yet, it seems, to give your kids a reasonable standard of living, at least one in a couple needs to have a well-paid job. To be honest, although I've done rather well academically, I'm a bit lazy deep down, and don't think I'd necessarily want a big, all-encroaching corporate "career" that would require me to live and breathe it. Thinking about it, I don't think I'd be too perturbed with just a reasonably paid job to support myself, and a modest flat for the foreseeable future at least. Whereas you read on here about the skyrocketing house prices up until recently/cost of living etc if you have mortgage on a family home and all the other outgoings associated with having a family.

I'm not really asking whether I'm being U to want to be childfree necessarily, as I fully believe either choice is equally valid and that it's an individual decision for everyone (and it's good if people think carefully as well!) I suppose I'm more so curious as to whether anyone felt pretty ardent that they wanted to be childfree at an early age?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 02/06/2020 23:37

My DD is approaching 22 and has always been adamant she doesn't want children. She never liked dolls or anything like that. My DS is 13 years younger than her and they really only started having a close relationship when he was old enough to interact with. She wouldn't even look at him when he was a baby. She's a lovely older sister though. She's at uni and will pursue a career path that won't lend itself to parenting. She's just not interested and not maternal. It's absolutely fine and I respect her choice.

Porcupineinwaiting · 02/06/2020 23:52

A friend of mine started saying that she never wanted children age 16 or 17 and never changed her mind (late 40s).

Rhodri · 03/06/2020 00:11

I never had any urge to be a parent. Left it as late as possible, eventually got bullied into it aged 40 by DH (threatening to divorce me if I didn’t produce a baby and I’d lose my house and be alone) and my DM (crying because she wanted a grandchild and I was depriving her of joy in her old age).

Everyone insisted I’d feel better about it once the baby arrived, I’d love being a mum... nope, never happened. I’m incredibly resentful of the burden and it’s too late to change my mind. Not a day goes by when I don’t regret the destruction of my body and the loss of my freedom. I do my best but I’m a short tempered and impatient mum because basically I don’t want the job. DH pisses off to work 12 hours a day, DM pissed off to bingo with her mates and is now shielding, and I’m left holding the baby. My career is scuppered as is any opportunity for me to enjoy my life or feel fulfilled.

Don’t listen to people telling you that you’ll change your mind, you’ll feel different when the baby arrives... no, you won’t. Some of us just aren’t cut out for parenting, no matter how difficult that is for others to accept.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 03/06/2020 00:26

I've known since I was a child myself. I never liked other children or enjoyed their company, and the thought of being a parent just filled me with a sense of revulsion. Haven't changed in that regard.

Apirateslifeforme · 03/06/2020 00:29

If you dont want children, you dont want children.
From an early age I was quite confident I didnt want children. I fell pregnant early on, and I do have one child, but a natural mother I am not.

Dont get me wrong. She is my absolute little world. Everything! BUT shes about to be 13, and my DH (who isnt DDs biological father) really wants another child. I'm still on the fence. Its not a matter of if I'd like another child (I dont) but more along the lines of, would I do it for his happiness.

Sometimes these feelings dont change.
I've never told DD how I felt, but funnily enough, she is very much of the mindset that she wants her own life. She wants to travel when shes grown up, live for a few years in a few different places, have a career that allows her to be free. She says that she will have dogs, but she doesnt understand the point of having children. Which is quite funny as many of her friends are quite certain they'll have lots of children when they're older.

It does sound like, whatever you choose to do, you'll be prepared for, which is 50% of the battle!

AgeLikeWine · 03/06/2020 00:48

Yes. I always knew I didn’t want to become a parent. I don’t have a maternal instinct anywhere in me, and I have never felt ‘broody’, whatever that means. I don’t find babies cute or appealing in any way and I wasn’t particularly keen on children even when I was one myself. Now, in middle age, I know I made the correct decision and have absolutely no regrets.

You have clearly given this a lot of careful thought already, OP, and I wonder if you might find this quote from a speech Steve Jobs made to an audience of students interesting :

”Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.“

Micsam89 · 03/06/2020 01:56

I knew from a young age I didn't want them. I did marry young - we were both 20. Thankfully, neither of us have ever felt the desire to reproduce. I'm probably more anti-child than he is. I don't like being around children at all, where DH doesn't want children, but he can tolerate being around them. We are always asked when we are having kids, it started at our wedding reception. I think people assumed because we married young, it meant we wanted to start a family. Plenty have told me I'll change my mind, but I'm probably more sure in my 30's now that I don't want them, than I was at 20.

Time40 · 03/06/2020 02:54

I knew from a very early age - possibly about eight or so. I've never wavered. Part of the reason I've never wavered is because of how our society is set up ... if things were more truly equal, I may have wavered.

Time40 · 03/06/2020 03:01

So I must admit OP I really don’t get your navel gazing, and very very long post!

I thought the OP's post was interesting, and exceptionally well written - the OP has writing talent.

Daisydoesnt · 03/06/2020 08:52

*So I must admit OP I really don’t get your navel gazing, and very very long post!

I thought the OP's post was interesting, and exceptionally well written - the OP has writing talent.*

It was me that made the first comment about the navel very long post. It struck me that it was a case of the lady doth protest too much. But that was just my impression.

RoobyRoobyRooby · 03/06/2020 08:58

I feel like I’ve always known. I certainly knew at 20 it wasn’t what I wanted. I’m mid 40s now and never changed my mind.

pussycatinboots · 03/06/2020 09:04

I knew all along, I think. Never played with dolls, much preferred books and lego. Always preferred the company of adults to children and avoided babies like the plague.

My mums best friend called in one day with her DD and latest DGC.
She said something to my mum along the lines of "One day Boots will give you grandchildren, it's marvellous".
I told my mum there and then if she wanted GC she'd have to adopt. Blush not my most tactful moment Grin
I was 14 and had already refused rubella vaccine - didn't see the point of being stabbed with a needle if I wasn't having kids.

My DH can't have kids, so we suit each other well in that respect and at 48 I doubt I'll change my mind now!

Apolloanddaphne · 03/06/2020 09:09

At 20 my DD1 was adamant that she would never, ever want children. At 27 and about to buy a house with her partner I have been surprised to hear her saying that they would need space to have a child. So I guess at 20 you just don't know how you may feel further down the line. You may never want children or you may change you mind. Both are fine.

Fluffymulletstyle · 03/06/2020 09:29

Not me but friends have been adamant they don't want kids and feel no maternal instinct. We are now lateish 30s and they have not changed their minds. It would be hard to see how a baby would fit into their lives. Most are fiercely independent and value their freedom, enjoy travelling or late nights.

Others I know have been adamant they don't want kids then changed their minds in their 30s. They don't seem to regret their decision either.

Others have always wanted children but when they arrive it comes as a shock their 'dream' isn't what they imagined

I have wanted children as long as I can remember. I remember nuturing twddues etc and wanting a baby as a teenager. I Now have 2 who I live dearly but they are really fucking hard work!!

Megan2018 · 03/06/2020 09:33

I definitely didn’t want any at 16, 18, 21, 25, 30 and 35.
Then at 40 I did and at 41 we had our DD.

I didn’t want children basically until I met my DH. Then I did.

You change so much from 20’s onwards, most of what I thought then is irrelevant to me now!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 03/06/2020 09:35

Yes, I knew from my early 20s that I didn't want any children. I never changed my mind and am happily childfree at 53 Smile

Ladyks · 03/06/2020 10:19

I always felt like that until I met my husband. I still sort of felt like that until I gave birth 11 months ago! My parents also still say they are surprised I had a child as I was never maternal growing up & never expressed interest in children or having them. I know for a fact I would not have children for the sake of having a child, but with the right partner it changed for me. Still not a huge fan of other people’s kids & babies (sorry) & I’m still the same person with the same interests and wants, but I’ll tell ya, holding my sweet boy & watching him grow & change is the most fascinating experience & I’m super thankful for him! Nothing wrong with motherhood not being for you, but like you said, never say never!

paap1975 · 03/06/2020 10:26

I'm mid-40s now. I never wanted to have kids when I was younger, but now I'm older I know I definitely want not to have kids.
I love kids, but I have no desire to have my own.
Don't feel you have to decide now though.

HaudMaDug · 03/06/2020 11:49

I'm 46 now and have known since childhood that I did not want kids.
I had a younger sister but have never had much of a connection with her and most of my childhood was spent adventuring out alone as I felt free and able to be myself without having to fit in with other kids. Maybe I was just a weirdo but I've always felt possible I was ASD.

By 23 I'd had tubal ligation as I could not find a contraceptive without side effects, so took my doctors hand off when he offered sterilisation as an option.
Have never regretted it and have had a full on fast paced, been there, done that got the T shirt lifestyle and job that I would never have experienced had I had children to consider.

I'd love to have at least been the cool auntie but I can't even manage that as my nieces and nephews have me stressed out and run me into the ground when baby sitting for a couple of hours. These little guys are too precious for a clumsy idiot like me to be responsible for.

Even now that my adrenalin filled job is 8 years in my past and my new job and lifestyle has a slower pace, I find that the time alone in the peace and quiet of my own solitude is bliss. No money worries and no one making a mess. (Nowadays, no man either)

It'd be easy to say I don't have a maternal bone in my body but I have lots of time, love and affection for my dog though. My new pup melts me every time I look at him but never felt that towards a child.

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/06/2020 11:54

I was like this in my early 20s but by my late 20s I had made a full 360 into wanting a family. You are still too young still to be limited by this conversation in my opinion - just enjoy your twenties and be open to every new experience you can.

Apple1029 · 03/06/2020 11:56

you are only 20. Barely starting out in real life. Give yourself 10 years.

eatyourcake · 03/06/2020 12:40

I'm always jealous of people who know for a fact they want or don't want kids. Because I spent the last 5 years in indecisive hell.

I always said I never wanted children when I was younger, I was considered a bit weird by my friends, they all had kids in mid 20s, I'm 35 now, been with my partner for 12 years, he always said he'd like a baby but it's up to me. Last few years I started to wonder if maybe I should have one? Well now my indecisiveness has exhausted me, I still don't know, but we started trying. I know we'll be good parents, and so that's that. I feel that yes life childfree is great and I love my independence and free time and unlimited Netflix and sleep and holidays and my introverted alone time, but I would always wonder what it would have been like with a kid. So we decided to find out.

I can't wait to see faces of everyone I know when I announce (hopefully) my pregnancy, everyone will be shocked Grin

So my advice to you, wait and see. Your heart might speak louder than your logical brain once you meet your partner, or maybe you will only become even more certain you don't want children, and both choices are valid, like you said.

Pelleas · 03/06/2020 12:56

Yes, for as long as I can remember! Even when I was a child I was never interested in baby/child dolls. I have always been squeamish around babies, small children and women whose pregnancy is visible.
I'm now post-menopause and my feelings remained steadfast throughout my fertile years.

sonjadog · 03/06/2020 15:45

I think it is very normal that you are thinking about these things now. You are at the age where you are finding out what is important and not important for you. Now you have have found out that for you, at the moment, children are not a must-have. You may change your mind later, you may not. It might be that you never have strong feelings on the matter.

I never decided not to have children myself. It just was never a pressing need for me throughout my life. If I had been in a situation where have a child had been appropriate at that time in my life then I probably would. Now I am too old and tbh, I don´t feel I am missing anything in my life without children.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 03/06/2020 15:53

I'm more so curious as to whether anyone felt pretty ardent that they wanted to be childfree at an early age?

Never saw myself as a mother growing up, just wasn't even a factor when I considered my mythical future adult life.
My siblings both had (multiple) babies when I was in my teens.
Never remotely interested me then either.

All those babies are now adults themselves and I still don't have any yearning whatsoever, even when they discuss having their own children. Quite frankly I'll be pleased when nature takes its course and I can stop the faff of PMT and periods.

Without even reading this thread yet, I can guarantee there will be a bunch of posters telling you how great children are/you'll change your mind/how they love their children/variations on that. But unless you actively want them, don't feel you should do anything, because I hear there is a firm "no returns, no exceptions" policy.