AIBU to think it's not a break...

[MadLad]

I work full time and I'm doing a full time Masters' degree. My Masters' dissertation was due last week and my exams start on Monday. I have a son who is approaching one year old. My husband usually works full time but, as a teacher, he's been told to stay at home and do no work on full pay. I just lost it with him - I want to know if I'm being unreasonable.
About a ten days ago, I had been working on my dissertation and then needed to express breastmilk. I stopped doing my dissertation to express, my husband had been watching our son. He came in and said he needed to go to the Post Office and did I want to go to get some time out of the house (as he's been doing our weekly food shop). I said I was busy and he responded "ok, well, can you watch DS if you want to continue taking a break?". I explained rather bluntly that expressing breastmilk is not "taking a break".
Today, I've been trying to study all day but my husband has been doing everything except what needs to happen. I've had to be jumping up every three seconds to stop the dog stealing things or stop our son putting his hands in the dog bowls, or to "just help him for a second" or "just check this link" or "just help me write this email". Just now, he was supposed to be watching our son whilst I studied for my exam on Monday. My son kept coming over to me and rubbing his dirty hands on my textbook just being a toddler - he ripped a page in my textbook. I stopped studying and started to express milk. Then my son kept coming up and tugging on all the tubes and turning it off (it's a touch screen so easy to turn off or change settings). I then snapped at my husband why he isn't watching our son and he responds that he "needed" to check his email. He doesn't NEED to check his email - he has literally no commitments outside of this house at the moment. So I told him that what he needs to be doing is watching our son and I can't understand why he thinks that everything needs to happen more than me needing to study and why my Masters' is less important than literally everything he can think of to do. He responds with "you're not even studying right now, you're taking a break". I then shouted at him, which I know I shouldn't have done, and told him to stop thinking expressing milk is "a break" and to not ask for my help for the rest of the day. His job right now is to look after our son whilst I'm working and that should be his focus.
AIBU?

[Pinkblueberry]

People who don’t understand that expressing isn’t taking a break, have never expressed before.

I expressed and definitely saw it as a break - it was a sacred no interruptions break because I was conveniently stuck in front of the tv obviously unable to move and do anything else, there’s no way my DH would have thought to ask me to do anything. So I would say ‘yes I’m having a break, a bloody well deserved one that for obvious reasons can’t be interrupted right now’.

[Eckhart]

Practical suggestions that I would have been made have already been made, but it doesn't really sound like it's a practical problem. It sounds like he's not recognising your needs or taking your stuff seriously.

You need a conversation with him to address this, when you're feeling calmer. But, in your shoes, I think I would probably have screamed in his face. I'm not recommending that, but I do know what it feels like to not be listened to. It's absolutely bloody infuriating.

Show him the thread?

[SistemaAddict]

So he's interfering with your ability to work and to feed your child? This is abusive behaviour or at the very least signs that he doesn't respect you. What is he like otherwise? My exH was exactly the same. One of the many reasons he's an exH.

[EmbarrassedUser]

Who on earth are these people saying YABU!! Your husband definitely needs to step up to the plate and play his part here. He’s off work right now and needs to recognise that it means taking in childcare duties to allow you to work/study. He had his jollies to create your DS, now it’s time to do the hard work.

[crispysausagerolls]

@Pinkblueberry

Maybe it’s a break if you don’t have to do anything else! It’s really not a break if you have a dog or baby to deal with too. Tbh I never found it a break anyway because I hated it and found it uncomfortable.

[MadLad]

Hi everyone,
Just to be clear, I love my husband very much and he's an amazing father. He's kind and generous and hardworking. He changed his career so we could start a family and supported me through a lot. He's smart and handsome and everything I could ever want in a man. I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. Before lockdown, he looked after our son in the school holidays, he collected from nursery and did the majority of housework. That's not to say I don't work hard too.
I absolutely appreciate how hard he works and make an effort to help him when I can. I have no issue with him asking me for help with anything or him needing a break. I do, however, get aggravated when he doesn't then acknowledge any help I've provided or that I'm working hard too. He does seem to think that expressing in particular is just the same as sitting and doing nothing but for me it's exhausting and painful. I know I shouldn't have shouted at him because that's not how we communicate and he did the right thing in just walking away until I'm able to talk rationally.
I'm mainly looking to know whether I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed or should I just drop it and forget. Is this is something I should bring up and discuss or whether it's a short term issue with my deadlines and lockdown and I should just try to overlook it and be grateful for all the amazing things about him?

[rosiejaune]

You could use a powerline adaptor to get internet in another room (it sends the internet signals through the power cabling in the wall and then you plug a receiver in elsewhere (which can be wired or wireless).

It won't change your husband's uselessness though.

[Purpleartichoke]

Why are people focusing on the expression g breast milk. It’s developmentally appropriate for a toddler to have human milk. Instead of focusing on a mother providing that milk for her child in a way that works for her, focus on the fact that her husband should be running point on parenting their child while she is either studying or pumping.

[Lemonlady22]

I had to express my milk when my son was very ill !as an 8 week old....struth it is the hardest thing ever, especially when stressed. Your husband is being a manchild!

[WeightGate]

This has fuck all to do with expressing and you’re getting some weird, veiled responses. You’re not being unreasonable OP.

[RandomMess]

Please remind him that expressing hurts for you and whether he would like to be told he was having a break if he was stabbing his balls every 30 seconds and it hurt...

[scheffsm]

he's an amazing father.

Why does this expression always appear on every thread where some bloke is not pulling their weight and yet makes passive aggressive statements about what the OP is or isn't doing.

[Pinkblueberry]

@crispysausagesrolls of course, I know I’m only speaking for me. Obviously there were occasions where I would express when I was home alone with DS which obviously isn’t the same, but when DH was home and could take over then I didn’t move and fortunately never find it uncomfortable. So although I don’t take offence to OP’s DH calling it a break, I certainly don’t understand why he thought she should keep an eye on their DC when she was in the middle of expressing - it’s hardly practical or ideal at that point when he can watch DC instead and do whatever he wanted to get done later. Even if she’d been sat there not expressing and simply having 5, enjoying a cup of tea, she’d be more than entitled. People can mostly disagree with expressing being a break, but I don’t think it’s actually the main issue - if OP had been taking her break, whatever that entails for her, it wouldn’t be appropriate to come along and ask her to watch DC at that point. I think him thinking that its ok to try and take that away when she’s been working hard is more of an issue.

[PrivateD00r]

It is only natural that you will be distracted if you are sitting trying to work in the family room. You really do need to sort the internet access and separate yourself from them when working. You will be WFH for quite some time most likely, so really you need a better set up. Perhaps your work would even pay for it, surely they would prefer you had a separate work area where you can concentrate?

[Pinkblueberry]

I'm mainly looking to know whether I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed or should I just drop it and forget. Is this is something I should bring up and discuss or whether it's a short term issue with my deadlines and lockdown and I should just try to overlook it and be grateful for all the amazing things about him?

I don’t think it has to be either/or. I think if considering expressing a break is the main issue for you then it’s ok to clearly say ‘it’s not a break for me, you know (I would presume by now he knows?) it’s uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. Please don’t call it that again.’ There’s no discussion to be had. You can appreciate good things about someone and simultaneously call them out for doing something that upsets you.

[AnneElliott]

Your DH is a lazy do and so and needs to pull his weight. If he's not working then he's on full time childcare until the end of the day and then you share it.

I had one like that as well op. He'd sit on the sofa and not actively engage with DS and then act all surprised that DS had got at my work laptop or pulled all the DVDs out of the shelf .

It's the main reason I only have 1 child.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

I did a MA last year when my son was just born. I also only used my right boob to express because of a burn disfigurement on my left side. I can really empathise with your situation (not the expressing because I could never be bothered with it. I just put up with wonky boobs for a while 😉)
I think it's hard being on top of each other when you're used to having places to be and having things to do so tensions can get frayed where there usually wouldn't be any tension at all.
I agree with PP. Look into finding a router so you can escape upstairs. Create a timetable where your time upstairs is clearly defined. Create time for your husband to have an hour or so too.
It's a tough situation for us all and you have so many extra responsibilities on top of that. Be kind to yourself (and your husband 🙊)

[zscaler]

YANBU, and I can’t believe everyone is asking you to justify a completely legitimate decision you’re entitled to make about your own body and baby

Your husband clearly isn’t thinking properly about what you actually need - peace and quiet, without constant interruptions and without having to give him attention every five minutes. Hopefully today you have given him the wake up call he needs. In future, maybe spell out to him in advance that you’re working and therefore need no interruptions for a set period of time. You shouldn’t have to, but it might help the message sink in...

[mrsmuddlepies]

I find that really hard to believe about his teaching responsibilities. All the teachers I know are doing loads. A shame you cannot name his local authority. Most authorities are insisting work is regularly marked and returned to students. I don't know any teachers that have been instructed to do nothing.

[ElectricTonight]

Your husband is being lazy I'd be furious. Have no advice on how to make things easier but he needs a good kick up the arse that's for sure!

[Pinkblueberry]

I’m also surprised at him ‘being instructed to do nothing.’ Most teachers have plenty to do. A lot are writing reports at the moment and even prepping for classes in September on top of other current things. Some may not be as busy and some may have run out of things to do if they’re not currently able to work with key worker children - but actually being instructed to do nothing? I know this is beside the point and OP has a millions other things on her plate, but it sounds very strange... I hope he’s actually still employed

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

Oh I'd kill him. Study for a masters is stressful. Toddlers are stressful. Why are you handling all the fucking stressful!

Would LO start taking some food through the day instead if 4 to 5 bottles. If I was still exclusively breastfeeding while studying and toddler wrangling, I think I would kill myself and I'd bloody take him with me. He needs to pull his damn weight.

[1Morewineplease]

Im sorry to hear of your predicament OP and really hope that you can find a way forward.
You really need to corner him and tell him exactly how you feel.
However, why isn’t he marking pupils’ home learning? Why isn’t he checking in with his pupils?
If his SLT are dealing with it all then your husband has no excuse and must step in with caring for his son while you study.

[Babyboomtastic]

For me, yes expressing is a break. Well it's not, because I usually strap the bottle to me, and just do work at the same time. Though sometimes I watch TV, or surf the internet, or make dinner (yay for a bra with holes in it). Though if it's painful then that's a different problem.

I can't see how you can work in a room with your toddler and husband though. We take it in turns to work, but we always go to a different room, otherwise it gives very mixed messages both to your toddler and about your availability. I think you need to look into your internet problem...