AIBU to think it's not a break...

[MadLad]

I work full time and I'm doing a full time Masters' degree. My Masters' dissertation was due last week and my exams start on Monday. I have a son who is approaching one year old. My husband usually works full time but, as a teacher, he's been told to stay at home and do no work on full pay. I just lost it with him - I want to know if I'm being unreasonable.
About a ten days ago, I had been working on my dissertation and then needed to express breastmilk. I stopped doing my dissertation to express, my husband had been watching our son. He came in and said he needed to go to the Post Office and did I want to go to get some time out of the house (as he's been doing our weekly food shop). I said I was busy and he responded "ok, well, can you watch DS if you want to continue taking a break?". I explained rather bluntly that expressing breastmilk is not "taking a break".
Today, I've been trying to study all day but my husband has been doing everything except what needs to happen. I've had to be jumping up every three seconds to stop the dog stealing things or stop our son putting his hands in the dog bowls, or to "just help him for a second" or "just check this link" or "just help me write this email". Just now, he was supposed to be watching our son whilst I studied for my exam on Monday. My son kept coming over to me and rubbing his dirty hands on my textbook just being a toddler - he ripped a page in my textbook. I stopped studying and started to express milk. Then my son kept coming up and tugging on all the tubes and turning it off (it's a touch screen so easy to turn off or change settings). I then snapped at my husband why he isn't watching our son and he responds that he "needed" to check his email. He doesn't NEED to check his email - he has literally no commitments outside of this house at the moment. So I told him that what he needs to be doing is watching our son and I can't understand why he thinks that everything needs to happen more than me needing to study and why my Masters' is less important than literally everything he can think of to do. He responds with "you're not even studying right now, you're taking a break". I then shouted at him, which I know I shouldn't have done, and told him to stop thinking expressing milk is "a break" and to not ask for my help for the rest of the day. His job right now is to look after our son whilst I'm working and that should be his focus.
AIBU?

[AlpacaGoodnight]

It sounds like you are in a very lucky situation with your husband at the moment, he just needs to get it into his head he needs to let you get on with it!

[SetPhasersTaeMalkie]

@C8H10N4O2

as a teacher, he's been told to stay at home and do no work on full pay

Crikey he must be the only teacher in the country who has been told this.

😂Absolutely.

A very strange and sad story. However, on another note, I want a job in her husband's school.

[billy1966]

OP,
You are juggling a huge amount.

I'm afraid he doesn't sound like an amazing father or husband if he can't understand that you need some peace.

I would suggest he knows well that you need peace and quiet to work but he actually just doesn't want to look after his son and that is why this is happening.

Really not amazing at all.

I think you will have to spell it out very clearly and firmly to him.

Best of luck.

[Sindragosan]

While you do have a lot on your plate, lockdown is getting to everyone, and looking after a child when you can go to play group, the park, soft play etc is different from being stuck in the house with them.

Yes, your husband needs to make sure you can study, but he also needs a break from the small child.

You both need to talk properly and arrange a schedule, and ideally separate out working and play areas.

[Dee1975]

Sounds like to me you have a lot on your plate, and your husband doesn’t.
You are not being unreasonable. But maybe more sensitive than normal. (I would be!). That’s not a criticism. Your husband needs to be more aware of your pressures right now and think before he speaks!
Sounds like you are doing an amazing job working and studying and raising your son. Be proud of your achievements and ignore your husband’s insensitive remarks ...

[Toothsil]

Wow, you're getting a very hard time on here OP. It sounds as if things are very stressful for you. I definitely wouldn't have seen expressing as a break, it's not the most pleasant of things to do and can be uncomfortable at best. You're doing what's best for your baby, breastmilk is still so good for them at that age and you shouldn't be questioned on that or have to explain yourself about why you're expressing and not feeding directly. It's your child, your body, your decision. And I think you know your husband and his workload better than we do. I'd definitely say YABNU, and I hope you're ok, you sound very stressed and no wonder.

[CherryPavlova]

He’s so lucky to be not having to work as a teacher. Most are snowed under. You’ve got a physically very advanced child too, must be tough. He is that steady on his feet at eleven months? Must be all that expressed milk.

[Poetryinaction]

Why, and how, can you do a full time job and a full time masters? So that's 80 hours a week? Why would you do that with a one year old? It doesn't seem fair on your partner that you should be busy for 80 hours a week, and then get annoyed if he does anything other than childcare.
Being a teacher with no work is unusual as others have said. As is expressing so much for a one year old.
If you must work full time, study full time, and spend so many hours expressing, I think you need to consider how those choices affect your family. Surely something has to give.
You make it sound like your husband is not important at all.

[C8H10N4O2]

as a teacher, he's been told to stay at home and do no work on full pay

Crikey he must be the only teacher in the country who has been told this.

[MaybeDoctor]

@MrsT1405
I have reported your post as it makes light of murderous and inhumane practices.

Your remarks about breastfeeding are ignorant, incorrect (against WHO guidance) and not helpful to the OP at all.

[EKGEMS]

Good luck OP I think lockdown is turning our homes into pressure cookers

[angelikacpickles]

Your husband needs to step up for sure. He obviously doesn't see your work on your masters as important.

FWIW, your baby's intolerance to dairy is very unlikely to be lactose intolerance as breastmilk is full of lactose.

[MadLad]

@MrsT1405 You are a moron if you think you know more about health than the NHS and WHO. What you have said directly goes against what they have said. Like I said, a moron is defined as a stupid person who is foolish. It is stupid to not know facts and the fact is that baby below the age of one is obviously not able to source their food and drink independently. It's stupid to think that women who breastfeed are doing it for their own benefit and it's not to any benefit to their child. It is foolish to be misinformed and spread that misinformation online. This thread is not a debate on breastfeeding or how/when women should do it. But it is a fact that you are a moron if you genuinely believe what you have stated.

[mamascorpio]

Op you need to go into a separate room to work and also when you are expressing.

I appreciate that it makes you feel better being closer to your son and DP when you are working but your other half relies on your presence as does your son when you are there.

Better to go in and work for 1/2 hour periods. Express then come in and have a break with your Oh and son etc.

I know how utterly draining expressing is and it can't be done with a toddler in the room who will of course want to touch play with whatever Mummy has.

Unless you have expressed its not something that can be explained. Credit to you for doing it for so long.

Makes me wonder about all those cows, and how they feel being mechanically pumped for their milk.

Good luck with your exam and dissertation

Hugs

[Mixedandproud]

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say I admire you enormously. I am so sorry to hear of the awful incident you went through.
You have a lot on your plate and you started the thread to ask if you were being unreasonable about one specific issue. Not to be judged and demonised for expressing milk for your child. Also you didn't ask to have your husband's furlough situation forensically analysed! You are doing what you feel is best for you and your child and I can't see anything wrong with that.

I think you need to speak to your husband about needing quiet time to work and to explain that expressing is not taking a break. Does he know how uncomfortable it is for you? You have explained you don't expect him to do everything but just need extra support at the moment.
He sounds like he is a good husband in most other ways, he just seems to have lost sight of the pressure you are under with the deadlines you currently have. If the situation were reversed would he be able to manage with these distractions?

I hope things get better for you soon OP. Good luck with your studies.

[Pinkblueberry]

Well it's not, because I usually strap the bottle to me, and just do work at the same time.

Is this something you could do OP? Might save a bit of time if you’re having to take time out from doing your work to express. I had one of those pumps that you have to hold in place but as pp said you can get the ones you strap. Might be a good investment if that’s not the type you already have.

[MrsT1405]

Just to say I bf both my dc and managed a full time job from 6 weeks old with a mixture of formula and bf. Get a grip . I'm not a moron but I do have a backbone

[ScrapThatThen]

Hi OP I guess it IS a short term issue, but instead of overlooking it I think you should say, look I am really going to be unavailable while I am revising, until exams are over, I know it's a lot to put on you but please can I rely on your support to keep little one from disturbing my revision. He sounds supportive.

[Greenleavesawash]

OP how old are you?

[MadLad]

@isadoradancing123 Childcare facilities were open when I decided to do a Masters' and work... Now they aren't. The situation has changed.

[isadoradancing123]

You took on your masters, and your job or whatever, and had a baby so ifmaybe you took on too much and now are stressed and cannot cope

[Greenleavesawash]

Charmer

[MadLad]

@Ronnie27 "Moron" is defined as "a stupid person". It originates from the Greek term "moros" which means "foolish"...

[Ronnie27]

You sound very stressed out but moron is a really awful word to use.

[MadLad]

@Babyboomtastic If you read the thread, I can't have a cup of tea or read through a magazine whilst expressing...