AIBU to think it's not a break...

[MadLad]

I work full time and I'm doing a full time Masters' degree. My Masters' dissertation was due last week and my exams start on Monday. I have a son who is approaching one year old. My husband usually works full time but, as a teacher, he's been told to stay at home and do no work on full pay. I just lost it with him - I want to know if I'm being unreasonable.
About a ten days ago, I had been working on my dissertation and then needed to express breastmilk. I stopped doing my dissertation to express, my husband had been watching our son. He came in and said he needed to go to the Post Office and did I want to go to get some time out of the house (as he's been doing our weekly food shop). I said I was busy and he responded "ok, well, can you watch DS if you want to continue taking a break?". I explained rather bluntly that expressing breastmilk is not "taking a break".
Today, I've been trying to study all day but my husband has been doing everything except what needs to happen. I've had to be jumping up every three seconds to stop the dog stealing things or stop our son putting his hands in the dog bowls, or to "just help him for a second" or "just check this link" or "just help me write this email". Just now, he was supposed to be watching our son whilst I studied for my exam on Monday. My son kept coming over to me and rubbing his dirty hands on my textbook just being a toddler - he ripped a page in my textbook. I stopped studying and started to express milk. Then my son kept coming up and tugging on all the tubes and turning it off (it's a touch screen so easy to turn off or change settings). I then snapped at my husband why he isn't watching our son and he responds that he "needed" to check his email. He doesn't NEED to check his email - he has literally no commitments outside of this house at the moment. So I told him that what he needs to be doing is watching our son and I can't understand why he thinks that everything needs to happen more than me needing to study and why my Masters' is less important than literally everything he can think of to do. He responds with "you're not even studying right now, you're taking a break". I then shouted at him, which I know I shouldn't have done, and told him to stop thinking expressing milk is "a break" and to not ask for my help for the rest of the day. His job right now is to look after our son whilst I'm working and that should be his focus.
AIBU?

[PrincessSarene]

@Dishwashersaurous No need for that. It’s not relevant anyway.

OP, let me take a guess that your DH hasn’t had to do full time looking after your son for long periods before? If so then he’s probably finding it relentless and is having trouble with not being in command of his own time. That doesn’t excuse him from his responsibilities though - you are working/studying and he is not, so therefore he needs to be the one looking after your DS. If you are able to arrange your day so that you can give him a couple of breaks then I think that would be nice to do (DH does that for me while I’m looking after our two DC). But I also agree that you expressing doesn’t constitute a break! I think you need to wait until you are both calm and then have a proper discussion about this. He needs to step up and you need to be able to work/study/express in peace.

[ScrapThatThen]

Your husband is being an arse, but you need to be shut away for study, expressing (and breaks) or at least headphones on ignoring everything and then fully present when you are on hand for your child. You trying to help out is giving mixed messages. Good luck with your exams, I'm sure all the stress will pay off.

[mummymathsteacher]

I think YABU, but not about the expressing. Obviously, expressing isn't taking a break, it's providing food for your son.

However, you seem to want your husband to do everything. You talk about your husband asking you to "help" - I would be livid if my DH spoke about our children like that. It's not helping, its parenting. Being the childcare provider all day is exhausting. I don't see why he can't have a few minutes to do what he wants.

I also completely don't believe that he has been told to do nothing. Education just doesnt work like that. Every single school in the country is prepping for a return in some way or another. And he will be getting emails on a daily basis.

I know working full time and doing a masters is tough - I did it too - so I can imagine exactly how stressful things must be for you. Maybe you actually do need to plan some breaks

[steppemum]

I think if I would you I would have a think about space.

Can you create a working zone in your bedroom? Put a chair in there, or use a laptray if you can't work sitting on the bed?

So, create a workign zone in the bedroom, then hand toddler over to dh and say - I am working for 3 hours until xx time, di not disturb me please, go to the bedroom and shut the door. If your toddler follows, you need a lock inside the door, or a chair under the handle.

Then use a simple phrase - daddy is looking after you now, and carefully shut the door.

Toddlers need you to be out of sight. Dh needs you to be 'unavailable' to make him step up.

[RandomMess]

Is your H threatened by you getting a better education than you, does he also think that childcare is women's work and he shouldn't really have to do it?

His attitude is far from great tbh. All that hard work and study and he seems to want you to fail at the last hurdle!

[ButtonandPickle19]

Have you tried setting a schedule? I’m working on and off from home whilst my husband (on paternity leave) looks after our DC and the baby. We have a schedule set so between certain hours I’m at “work” in a separate area of the house and I take breaks to feed the baby/have lunch/check in with the other children?

[steppemum]

sorry missed the bit about the router.

[pinguwings]

Seen your update op, fair play to you, expressing is bloody hard work.

When dh started working from home I was very clear that he needed to leave us be unless urgent and I would get him. Two adults changes the dynamic and it's hard to not feel like one of you is getting the raw deal.

Saying you are happy to help and staying in the same room is sending mixed messages.

[amy85]

You sound stressed which is understandable while trying to complete your masters.... however this may be making you over react and be else tolerable

It's not far on your child to be in the same room but expect them to leave you alone you need to work elsewhere

When he says taking a break he just meant a break from studying he didn't mean it as a resting break....he just meant while you are not studying can you help with this...

[SunbathingDragon]

You sound like you are very stressed right now.

[MadLad]

@RandomMess That's definitely not the issue. My husband has a Masters' and his job as a teacher is childcare so it's not a sexist thing. I think he's just genuinely oblivious to what I actually do.

[RandomMess]

How can he be oblivious when he has studied, have you asked him to think about all the work and time he put in to do his?

Just because he teaches doesn't automatically mean he doesn't think his children and house keeping are "wifework".

[MadLad]

@mummymathsteacher I also completely don't believe that he has been told to do nothing. Education just doesnt work like that. Every single school in the country is prepping for a return in some way or another. And he will be getting emails on a daily basis.
I think I know a tad more than you do about my own husband... He works for a private school but was contracted by them to a local state school. When the private school closed on March 13th he was withdrawn from that contract, his DBS clearance was no longer valid because it was done through that employer and he was no longer allowed to go onto site at all (which isn't ideal as his work laptop is still there). He won't be returning to the state school as he was due to return to the private school on July 1st. They've told him that there's nothing for him to do as the Senior Leadership Team are doing it all.
I don't really see why I have to explain all of this because it's not relevant anyway - I said he has nothing to do for his work and he has nothing to do for his work.

[MadLad]

@RandomMess I agree with you, but it's just not the situation here. We didn't have a child and he didn't work when he did his Masters' so our situations are slightly different. I also earn more than he does and have always been the more ambitious between us regarding careers. He switched to teaching for a more family friendly lifestyle so he could do childcare during the holidays and work fewer hours so he's definitely up for looking after our son.
He's always liked me as a career-led person and definitely does his fair share of housework too. We have no issues in that regard.

[totallyyesno]

You are absolutely not being unreasonable but I think you know that. I completely understand as I have been in the same situation (minus the pumping) and it is absolutely infuriating. By the time I finished my dissertation I was fantasising about writing a dedication "To my husband, without whom this would probably have been finished much sooner". I didn't. Hang in there!

[zoemum2006]

You work full time and you're doing a full time masters and you have a baby? And you're on lockdown in a global pandemic?

I think you're both doing well not to have a nervous breakdown.

You're spread very thin and your husband is doing the impossible (I've thought to myself many times I'm glad my kids are older because I wouldn't have coped with them as babies during lockdown).

[RandomMess]

So remind him that when he did his masters he wasn't working and there no DC he just focused 100% on his masters and you enabled that by the sounds of it? Financially supported him?

Now he needs to do the same and let you focus 100% on your masters for the next x weeks... and that means him not expecting you to be able to do more than eat, sleep, study and express.

[MadLad]

@totallyyesno Haha, I should have done that!

[foobio]

Re your router, have you tried a wired broadband extender? BT N600 is £30 at argos. It runs through your house power sockets and you connect to it with an Ethernet cable. Then you can lock yourself away in another room. There is no way I could do anything productive in the same room as my 1yr old.

[MadLad]

@foobio We have one but it doesn't seem to do much... I know nothing about technology so I just steer clear.

[RandomMess]

I have a super long Ethernet cable so my laptop is hardwired in rather than WiFi!

[Crinkle77]

But why are you expressing for a one year old?

Because she wants to

[MaybeDoctor]

There is a lot going on in your post, but the immediate things you need to do are:

1. Get plenty of rest/sleep over the next few days so that your brain is functioning as well as possible for Monday's exam. Can you close your eyes or rest your head on something while expressing?
   
   
2. Try to avoid a row with your DH, regardless of who is right or wrong now is not the time to be getting heated and losing focus.
   
   
3. Do what you can to support your concentration. I find 'binaural beats' tracks on YouTube very helpful to get me in the zone - look at 'Brainwave Power Music'. Would headphones help? Getting a wired broadband extender also sounds like a good idea.

[tara66]

Very sorry regarding your very bad experience. Dont let this matter upset you now with exams so soon. You need to stay as calm as possible Plan to deal with DH afterwards only. Good luck!

[B0bbin]

I'm sorry that you have had to explain things as people have questioned the validity of your first post. Why you are expressing milk or why your husband's school have told him to do nothing is beside the point and not what you were asking.
We should be supportive of one another on here. It sounds like OP has been having a tricky time and getting frustrated with him for calling expressing 'a break'. It certainly isn't a break. I found it really hard.
Good luck having a conversation with your husband about this. Also good luck with the exam/ studying.