To ask if you harbour secret fantasies about getting revenge on your nightmare next-door neighbours? ***light-hearted***

[swampusdonkus]

Ok, so we live in a semi and are joined on to the most inconsiderate, arsehole neighbours who display a catalogue of antisocial and prickish behaviours. They think it is ok to:

• have loud, sweary hot tub parties all year round, at all times of day and night. Lots of pissed-up cackling, swearing etc - knowing we have very young dc a few feet away in the next garden. They also have dc, mostly tweens and young teens.
  
  
• park right up against our gate post knowing we don't have a car that floats or magically rotates 360 degrees, meaning we have to do 56 manoeuvres to get out of our drive.
  
  
• have an untrained idiot dog (not its' fault) that barks constantly if you so much as cough in our garden, and then hurls itself against our shared fence growling and barking, scaring our dc.
  
  
• do a half-arsed job of replacing the fence panels that divide our gardens that blew down last Winter so that they had to do another half-arsed job of replacing them last month. Only this time they came into our garden without asking or telling us, pulled dc's swing over, which was 'bolted' into the grass, left it lying on its side, and leaving a fuck off slab of concrete foundation on OUR side of the 6' fence which we can't bloody move.
  
  
• to blast Wonderwall (ironic, no?) at full blast day and night. When we ask if they can turn it down a bit they just yell loudly "it's not fucking loud."
  
  There are other examples, but you get the picture.
  
  We have tried reasoning with them; we are all adults and it is preferable to co-exist in relative harmony with your neighbours rather than feel constant tension, but they are just so bloody self-centred and inconsiderate. And they refuse to engage; their stock answer to any polite requests is "it's our house, we can do what the fuck we like." The dh even has a twattish clap, as evidenced every Thursday - you know the type that says "I man, I clap loud, I make big echo with big alpha male shovel hands"? But I digress slightly.
  
  TBF it could be a lot worse, but it is the constant low-ish level every-single-day prickishness that is wearying. I have in the past argued with them through the wonky fence but we decided to just ignore them as best we can, to go out and enjoy our garden as and when we want and just block them out. They might revel in annoying us but they fail to realise, or don't care, that they are also fucking off the other 7 or so households in the vicinity.
  
  So AIBU in asking if you harbour secret fantasies about getting revenge on your nightmare next door neighbours? My current favourite fantasy is lobbing a plugged in toaster over the fence, perfectly aimed so it lands in their hot tub during one of their 'parties'. N.B. I am NOT condoning or encouraging the mixing of electrical goods and water in any way, or inciting actual violent behaviour. This is purely comic book fantasy level stuff.
  
  Also, we rent and will be moving out in three months so wevenge will soon be ours, yay.
  
  YABU - no, I harbour no such secret revenge fantasies against my nightmare next-door neighbours, instead I ...
  
  YANBU - yes, I have such revenge fantasies about my nightmare neighbours, an example being ...

[ManualFlusherSnot]

Omg I’m glad you started this thread.

Lady 2 doors down is horrible/lunatic/picks on my kids/gets her grandson and other kids to pick on my kids etc etc.

I often fantasise about the way I will kill her. I know I probably sound psycho, but she’s just awful, and the different torture/murder scenarios help me drift off to sleep at night.

[namechangetheworld]

I dream about selling my house to get away from the plebtastic family next door.

Crimes include, but are not limited to, incessently screaming at Alexa from the garden to change the music inside the house (which never fucking works), letting their youngest pull up the plants from our front garden, letting their dog to piss on our lawn daily and dig through the flowerbeds, encouraging our toddler to pass her garden toys over the garden fence and not giving them back, leaving bin bags full of rubbish heaped up in their back garden even though their bins are literally a foot away out their back gate, draining their ginormous padding pool right next to our fence so it floods our entire garden, a constant stream of family, friends and boyfriends coming to visit over the past two months, and then having the gall to accuse our four year old of 'rule breaking' when we took her to play in my parents empty back garden two minutes away.

Whew. I feel better now.

[GladAllOver]

Don't know if this true or a like-to-do but I was told of an unpleasant neighbour who had a huge caravan occupying the entire front garden of the semi that cut out all the light from their front windows, and meant they had to seesaw backwards and forwards over the neighbour's lawn to get it in and out.
One July when they had taken the caravan on holiday, cutting grooves in the lawn in the process, 'someone' ordered a lorry-load of ready-mixed concrete to be delivered to absent neighbour's drive. When they returned a fortnight later there was a solid concrete pyramid filling their driveway.

[Blueuggboots]

Many years ago, we bought a lovely flat overlooking the canal. It was our first home.
Within 2 hours of moving in, we had to go down stairs to ask them to turn the music down.
Following on was the most miserable 14 months of my life which culminated in my car being torched....
We moved (admitting the problems which were caused because they were criminals and then husband was a special constable so personal to us) and had lovely neighbours.

[Blueuggboots]

Nothing was emptied into their garage when we moved Officer.....

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Ooooooh...

Well one side I don't need to wish anything on, they are nice enough but their toddlers are really really loud and annoying and I think its punishment enough that they are now on lockdown totally hacked off with their own crotch-fruit who it turns out, are loud, spoilt brats and want to kill each other.

The other side is a proper nasty cow, hated me from the moment she realised I'd bought the house, not rented it, hated me more when it turned out the rat problem in the row of houses did not originate in MY house at all but in her overcrowded pig-sty... and then made a totally fictional statement to another neighbours car insurers, claiming she watched my OH reverse into neighbours car (it was a 50/50 fault incident, which from her window she could not POSSIBLY have actually witnessed!)...

She had to return to work after her kids all got too old/moved out to be an excuse for not working so now she spends all her free time on the phone in her garden, shouting to everyone that she can't do whatever cos 'I'M WERRRRRRRKIN'...

We all (the whole row) know about it if anyones crossed her because she will phone every single one of her 6 kids to tell them all the tale, each time it gets embellished a bit more, she gets a bit louder, shoutier and sounds ever more like Vicky Pollard aged 50+ (totally 'yer but no but yer but no but' brizzle accent).

I'd like to win the lottery. Buy her house. Kick her out. That's all, that'd do nicely, wouldn't even need a big win :D

[Penners99]

My sister dropped a Christmas card (with a fake winning lottery scratch card inside) through her hideous neighbour's door last year. Suffice to say the chaos was epic!

[Chucklecheeks01]

Oh yes, I fantasise about killing a tree that is about to ruin my brick wall for the second time.
I won't pay to replace it again, will put a fence. They have already said they won't accept a fence there. I see trouble ahead.

[Straycatstrut]

Yep, it's a beautiful area and the rate I pay in rent reflects that.... but NDN, ugh! She looks like a young Katie Price. Not sure what the hell is going on but cars that you'd expect premier league footballers to drive coming and going all the time, different young 20-somethings covered in bling hanging about her drive. House parties that go on for days, the stench of weed is sickening (lockdown ones have been the WORST).

When my boys are grown up I am going to live in the most remote place possible, even if it means living in a camper in a field. Just me and my dogs.

[Focusanddetermination]

Yep. One side 60-somethings who scream at each other about petty cleaning tasks at all hours, in and outdoors. Other side small 2 bed with about 5 dogs they leave barking all. fucking. day.

Mainly on here for ideas...

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

I’m often tempted to ask him next door if they are still using the same bed that she screwed another man in, while they were on their break after him apparently threatening her with a knife. I have the date and name. But I’m saving that one in my arsenal, along with the video of him flinging dog shit into my front garden. That ones being saved for my Facebook. 😁

[Nestlyn]

Our neighbors, father and adult daughter are hoarders, think whole house full of car boot sale rubbish, stacks of papers up the walls and stairs, old caravan in the front garden full to the brim, but what really irritates me is that they are constantly planting in the front and back garden. In the same obsessive way as the hoarding. Luckily we get some light because our garden is quite wide, but they never remove dead and old plants, they add more and more.

They are deeply unpleasant to boot, so it is impossible to have a discussion about how tall and dangerous their trees are or that they shed all over our car, drive and that of our neighbors. I dream of hiring a big digger to clear all the trees, when they're car booting. Or giving them one of those American tv makeovers when they're out for an hour, lol they'd hate it.

[newyorker74]

We had nightmare neighbours. Two 18 year olds who wanted to party all the time and brought all their mates back to continue the party at 3am on a Wednesday. We tried talking to them outside of party time, during party time and they would either ignore us or, one classic night, climbed into our garden, ripped up some flowers and moved our wheelbarrow to our front garden.

We were actually debating whether to send around a few friends who were particularly large and rude looking (they wouldn't have touched them as all friends are sweethearts but they look really terrifying when they travel as a pack).

The day the police arrived and carted them both off in handcuffs for credit card fraud, i literally danced the dance of happiness in my front room. As did the neighbours on the other side and most of the street.

[Wonkydonkey44]

A banana up each of my loud neighbours exhausts or a potato not bothered. Oh and a water gun to spray neighbours kid who stares into our garden as he bounces on his trampoline !

[Straycatstrut]

My sister dropped a Christmas card (with a fake winning lottery scratch card inside) through her hideous neighbour's door last year. Suffice to say the chaos was epic!

That's made my day

[Fluffybutter]

I’ve daydreamed many a time about toe punting their yapping little bastard cockerpoo over the fence and into orbit .
It just does not shut the fuck up , ever and they don’t seem to care

[Silenceisnotgolden]

I’d absolutely love to get revenge but it’s not lighthearted. I mostly fantasise about starting a (very outing) thread to list alllllll the reasons why I hate them because they’re weird, he’s a perv and she’s a common gobshite who keeps ordering puppies she can’t care for but I won’t because it would be unkind and you’ll all think I am a very horrible person. Which I’m not.

[swampusdonkus]

There's some great ideas here!

@rosiejaune - I love the idea of infrasound through the walls. No killing involved, just make them vomitty and disorientated. Although this is probably their normal after one of their hot tub parties.

The dh next door even speaks to Alexa in a patronising, misogynistic way @namechangetheworld. He's such a prick.

lol @Fluffybutter - 'toe punting' the yappy dog. Great visual image!

We have just ordered an electric guitar as we all want to learn to play it. Have a couple of bass guitars that clearly we haven't utilised enough. Will make sure the amps are switched to 11 from here on in and they can enjoy our 'musical journey' through the shared wall

[Ratonastick]

The evil bitch who lived over the road in my old house. Told everyone that I threw DP out in the early hours once. He had an early flight and took a taxi to the airport! When he actually did leave me, she proceeded to tell everyone it was because I was really a lesbian —eyes DS with astonishment— Called the RSPCA on me several time alleging animal cruelty because my cat didn’t wear a collar. Called the police to say I’d stolen her car 10 minutes after she parked in my drive (wtaf). Told half the village I was shagging my boss (who was mildly well known, enough for it to be a potential media story).

No idea what I ever did to upset her, but I regularly fantasised about sneaking in and murdering her in a devilish and undetectable way. The day she moved out was the best day of my life.

[TabbyMumz]

Yes, that's me. They range from dreaming of popping all their tyres, or letting off stink bombs right by the fence.

[66redballons]

I’d like to put a ndn on a rocket and send it into orbit, not its fault but it yaps all day. They piss off out all day and it’s lonely.
Lol at fake lottery ticket I might do that. Do they sell million pound fake winners. Fuck I’d only be annoyed to not witness the jubilation. They are loud, inconsiderate, pot head kids, who visit throughout lockdown for BBQs and shit.

[swampusdonkus]

Bloody hell @Ratonastick - My complaints are mild compared to yours - she sounds like pure malice. Very glad for you that's she moved out!

@66redballons - you have a yapping NDN?? lol, I'm guessing they have a yappy dog that you'd like to blast into space, but the image of a yappy ndn strapped to a rocket did make me lol

[VelociraptorRex]

My immediate neighbours are absolutely lovely, but there are two lots slightly further away that I would love to do terrible things to.

The bastard just behind our house who waits for a lovely sunny Saturday or Sunday when my washing is out and every one has their windows open to light the stinkiest smokiest bonfire ever. Same bloke has a little shit of a teenage son, police have been called more than once to his parties when mummy and daddy have foolishly left him on his own overnight.

Or the bitch a couple of doors down who regularly demands that I and the other neighbours stop parking on HER parking spot. It's my land love, not yours. And that was my hedge that your son (who has been visiting them all through lockdown) massacred in the name of trimming the top off it. Her husband never drives more than 20mph (I wish I was exaggerating) on the roads, I'm tempted to mention it to the police as I suspect he's under the influence of something given the way he drives.

So I'm looking for ideas, love the lottery ticket one

[msmith501]

Years ago I went beyond harbouring fantasies. We lived in a detached house and there was a block of terraced houses next door. First house nearest to us houses an insolvency practitioner whose arrogance knew no bounds. Next to him lived my partner's very elderly aunt who had to access her house via a shared back entrance. Anyway, after months of him blocking her entrance with bins or his bike, we took matters into our own hands. At the time his house was for sale for circa £60k. Two weeks later once the lawn weedkiller had taken effect, the naughty word in the lawn ensured that the house was sold for a lot less... a lot less.

[Quail15]

I have constant fantasy's about buying my ndn's house and kicking them out. I live in a small village and they are the only ones who have the police out for drunken fights 🙄

She has a constant stream of men in and out of her home .... Although she tries (unsuccessfully as they are either high or drunk) to sneak them in - She claims UC as a single parent and she would get her money cut if the benefits office were to find out that she has other people living with her .......

I constantly have other neighbours asking how I am as 'they heard the late night screaming/swearing/drunk singing etc... session' my ndn had the night before 🙄

I did have a gentle chat with the lovely people from the food bank who tried to deliver a load of food for her last week ( they have been delivering several times a week over lock down despite ndn going out daily to buy alcohol and cigarettes). I innocently told them I was surprised you could qualify for food bank support if you spent all your money on drink, weed and cigarettes..... They didn't look impressed.