To ask if you harbour secret fantasies about getting revenge on your nightmare next-door neighbours? ***light-hearted***

[swampusdonkus]

Ok, so we live in a semi and are joined on to the most inconsiderate, arsehole neighbours who display a catalogue of antisocial and prickish behaviours. They think it is ok to:

• have loud, sweary hot tub parties all year round, at all times of day and night. Lots of pissed-up cackling, swearing etc - knowing we have very young dc a few feet away in the next garden. They also have dc, mostly tweens and young teens.
  
  
• park right up against our gate post knowing we don't have a car that floats or magically rotates 360 degrees, meaning we have to do 56 manoeuvres to get out of our drive.
  
  
• have an untrained idiot dog (not its' fault) that barks constantly if you so much as cough in our garden, and then hurls itself against our shared fence growling and barking, scaring our dc.
  
  
• do a half-arsed job of replacing the fence panels that divide our gardens that blew down last Winter so that they had to do another half-arsed job of replacing them last month. Only this time they came into our garden without asking or telling us, pulled dc's swing over, which was 'bolted' into the grass, left it lying on its side, and leaving a fuck off slab of concrete foundation on OUR side of the 6' fence which we can't bloody move.
  
  
• to blast Wonderwall (ironic, no?) at full blast day and night. When we ask if they can turn it down a bit they just yell loudly "it's not fucking loud."
  
  There are other examples, but you get the picture.
  
  We have tried reasoning with them; we are all adults and it is preferable to co-exist in relative harmony with your neighbours rather than feel constant tension, but they are just so bloody self-centred and inconsiderate. And they refuse to engage; their stock answer to any polite requests is "it's our house, we can do what the fuck we like." The dh even has a twattish clap, as evidenced every Thursday - you know the type that says "I man, I clap loud, I make big echo with big alpha male shovel hands"? But I digress slightly.
  
  TBF it could be a lot worse, but it is the constant low-ish level every-single-day prickishness that is wearying. I have in the past argued with them through the wonky fence but we decided to just ignore them as best we can, to go out and enjoy our garden as and when we want and just block them out. They might revel in annoying us but they fail to realise, or don't care, that they are also fucking off the other 7 or so households in the vicinity.
  
  So AIBU in asking if you harbour secret fantasies about getting revenge on your nightmare next door neighbours? My current favourite fantasy is lobbing a plugged in toaster over the fence, perfectly aimed so it lands in their hot tub during one of their 'parties'. N.B. I am NOT condoning or encouraging the mixing of electrical goods and water in any way, or inciting actual violent behaviour. This is purely comic book fantasy level stuff.
  
  Also, we rent and will be moving out in three months so wevenge will soon be ours, yay.
  
  YABU - no, I harbour no such secret revenge fantasies against my nightmare next-door neighbours, instead I ...
  
  YANBU - yes, I have such revenge fantasies about my nightmare neighbours, an example being ...

[francienolan]

We moved away from our nightmare neighbor two days before lockdown, thank goodness. I had been working from home for a couple of weeks and it was hell not getting a break from his awful weed smoking, yelling at his kids, and his playing Phil Collins so loud my walls shook. Such a nightmare, we only stayed because it was a rental and relatively cheap so we could save up for a house.

[Brigante9]

I’ve told this story on here before. We bought our first little flat, upstairs lived what we thought was a nice couple, bit noisy but you know, live and let live. Then the bloke lost his job, apparently through drink/drive offences, not handy, what him being a windscreen replacement person. Noise increased.

One night, I knocked to ask if they would mind turning down the music. Got a punch in my face for my trouble, cops were called, he said I’d broken open his outward opening door (how?! He’d been opening it with a screwdriver for weeks having already broken it)

There followed a year of him turning up the music so loud it was just distorted noise 7pm-7am, every night, along with occasionally flinging his girlfriend against every wall/piece of furniture in the place. Eventually, the lovely neighbours who’d lived next door forever, brought up their dc etc, moved out. 😢

Then my dh decided to join the police. When the postcard acknowledgement arrived in the mutual entrance, nasty neighbour confronted us and demanded we sell up, he wasn’t living next to no pig. We were totally honest with the agent, yet still someone bought the flat!

I fantasised about having his feet nailed to the floor while I took huge swings with a Le Creuset frying pan at his head. It’s made me phobic re neighbour noise and I’m sorry to say I still can’t stand to hear a South African accent (he was from Durban).

Oddly, it made us move up a grade as we bought a little two up, two down house in a quiet street, sheer bliss. We spent a year just jumping at every noise but finally realised that we could relax.The house rose dramatically in value so we sold to buy somewhere bigger at the end of the year. In a weird way, he did us a favour, but I’m now worried about ever moving or getting new neighbours. I think I’d only ever move rurally, to a detached property!

[Murrfect]

After years of parties, hot tubs, constant building work that they go on long holidays to avoid, leaving me with a devastated garden n workmen staring at me through my patio doors before breakfast I’m finely free and planning to rent out my poor little house

I’ve already said I’m ok with pets and UTC but also I think it would be perfect for sharers in their early twenties..... stoners with a love of dance music are who I’m actively looking for

Yes! Woohoo! I can not wait!!!

[CountryPlumpkin]

There is hope, karma is a bitch sometimes.

I lived upstairs from a horrendous aggressive South African man who told me he would set fire to my flat if I didn’t stop making so much noise (in my slippers, tip toeing round my sitting room with the tv on mute) The week after I moved out, I happened to drive past and saw a massive bearded grease monkey revving his bike engine on the front garden and tinkering with spanners etc while swigging from a can of Stella. Twatty neighbour was peeping out of his front window with a cats bum mouth. Didn’t think he’d be threatening his new neighbour ...

[Millettmum]

I will be getting revenge soon when baby is born and crying all the time ha.

[OnceUponAMidnightBeery]

OP, watch the Murder in Mind episode ‘Neighbours’ if you can. disclaims all responsibility for possible ideas suggested by said episode

[Quail15]

I have constant fantasy's about buying my ndn's house and kicking them out. I live in a small village and they are the only ones who have the police out for drunken fights 🙄

She has a constant stream of men in and out of her home .... Although she tries (unsuccessfully as they are either high or drunk) to sneak them in - She claims UC as a single parent and she would get her money cut if the benefits office were to find out that she has other people living with her .......

I constantly have other neighbours asking how I am as 'they heard the late night screaming/swearing/drunk singing etc... session' my ndn had the night before 🙄

I did have a gentle chat with the lovely people from the food bank who tried to deliver a load of food for her last week ( they have been delivering several times a week over lock down despite ndn going out daily to buy alcohol and cigarettes). I innocently told them I was surprised you could qualify for food bank support if you spent all your money on drink, weed and cigarettes..... They didn't look impressed.

[msmith501]

Years ago I went beyond harbouring fantasies. We lived in a detached house and there was a block of terraced houses next door. First house nearest to us houses an insolvency practitioner whose arrogance knew no bounds. Next to him lived my partner's very elderly aunt who had to access her house via a shared back entrance. Anyway, after months of him blocking her entrance with bins or his bike, we took matters into our own hands. At the time his house was for sale for circa £60k. Two weeks later once the lawn weedkiller had taken effect, the naughty word in the lawn ensured that the house was sold for a lot less... a lot less.

[VelociraptorRex]

My immediate neighbours are absolutely lovely, but there are two lots slightly further away that I would love to do terrible things to.

The bastard just behind our house who waits for a lovely sunny Saturday or Sunday when my washing is out and every one has their windows open to light the stinkiest smokiest bonfire ever. Same bloke has a little shit of a teenage son, police have been called more than once to his parties when mummy and daddy have foolishly left him on his own overnight.

Or the bitch a couple of doors down who regularly demands that I and the other neighbours stop parking on HER parking spot. It's my land love, not yours. And that was my hedge that your son (who has been visiting them all through lockdown) massacred in the name of trimming the top off it. Her husband never drives more than 20mph (I wish I was exaggerating) on the roads, I'm tempted to mention it to the police as I suspect he's under the influence of something given the way he drives.

So I'm looking for ideas, love the lottery ticket one

[swampusdonkus]

Bloody hell @Ratonastick - My complaints are mild compared to yours - she sounds like pure malice. Very glad for you that's she moved out!

@66redballons - you have a yapping NDN?? lol, I'm guessing they have a yappy dog that you'd like to blast into space, but the image of a yappy ndn strapped to a rocket did make me lol

[66redballons]

I’d like to put a ndn on a rocket and send it into orbit, not its fault but it yaps all day. They piss off out all day and it’s lonely.
Lol at fake lottery ticket I might do that. Do they sell million pound fake winners. Fuck I’d only be annoyed to not witness the jubilation. They are loud, inconsiderate, pot head kids, who visit throughout lockdown for BBQs and shit.

[TabbyMumz]

Yes, that's me. They range from dreaming of popping all their tyres, or letting off stink bombs right by the fence.

[Ratonastick]

The evil bitch who lived over the road in my old house. Told everyone that I threw DP out in the early hours once. He had an early flight and took a taxi to the airport! When he actually did leave me, she proceeded to tell everyone it was because I was really a lesbian —eyes DS with astonishment— Called the RSPCA on me several time alleging animal cruelty because my cat didn’t wear a collar. Called the police to say I’d stolen her car 10 minutes after she parked in my drive (wtaf). Told half the village I was shagging my boss (who was mildly well known, enough for it to be a potential media story).

No idea what I ever did to upset her, but I regularly fantasised about sneaking in and murdering her in a devilish and undetectable way. The day she moved out was the best day of my life.

[swampusdonkus]

There's some great ideas here!

@rosiejaune - I love the idea of infrasound through the walls. No killing involved, just make them vomitty and disorientated. Although this is probably their normal after one of their hot tub parties.

The dh next door even speaks to Alexa in a patronising, misogynistic way @namechangetheworld. He's such a prick.

lol @Fluffybutter - 'toe punting' the yappy dog. Great visual image!

We have just ordered an electric guitar as we all want to learn to play it. Have a couple of bass guitars that clearly we haven't utilised enough. Will make sure the amps are switched to 11 from here on in and they can enjoy our 'musical journey' through the shared wall

[Silenceisnotgolden]

I’d absolutely love to get revenge but it’s not lighthearted. I mostly fantasise about starting a (very outing) thread to list alllllll the reasons why I hate them because they’re weird, he’s a perv and she’s a common gobshite who keeps ordering puppies she can’t care for but I won’t because it would be unkind and you’ll all think I am a very horrible person. Which I’m not.

[Fluffybutter]

I’ve daydreamed many a time about toe punting their yapping little bastard cockerpoo over the fence and into orbit .
It just does not shut the fuck up , ever and they don’t seem to care

[Straycatstrut]

My sister dropped a Christmas card (with a fake winning lottery scratch card inside) through her hideous neighbour's door last year. Suffice to say the chaos was epic!

That's made my day

[Wonkydonkey44]

A banana up each of my loud neighbours exhausts or a potato not bothered. Oh and a water gun to spray neighbours kid who stares into our garden as he bounces on his trampoline !

[newyorker74]

We had nightmare neighbours. Two 18 year olds who wanted to party all the time and brought all their mates back to continue the party at 3am on a Wednesday. We tried talking to them outside of party time, during party time and they would either ignore us or, one classic night, climbed into our garden, ripped up some flowers and moved our wheelbarrow to our front garden.

We were actually debating whether to send around a few friends who were particularly large and rude looking (they wouldn't have touched them as all friends are sweethearts but they look really terrifying when they travel as a pack).

The day the police arrived and carted them both off in handcuffs for credit card fraud, i literally danced the dance of happiness in my front room. As did the neighbours on the other side and most of the street.

[Nestlyn]

Our neighbors, father and adult daughter are hoarders, think whole house full of car boot sale rubbish, stacks of papers up the walls and stairs, old caravan in the front garden full to the brim, but what really irritates me is that they are constantly planting in the front and back garden. In the same obsessive way as the hoarding. Luckily we get some light because our garden is quite wide, but they never remove dead and old plants, they add more and more.

They are deeply unpleasant to boot, so it is impossible to have a discussion about how tall and dangerous their trees are or that they shed all over our car, drive and that of our neighbors. I dream of hiring a big digger to clear all the trees, when they're car booting. Or giving them one of those American tv makeovers when they're out for an hour, lol they'd hate it.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

I’m often tempted to ask him next door if they are still using the same bed that she screwed another man in, while they were on their break after him apparently threatening her with a knife. I have the date and name. But I’m saving that one in my arsenal, along with the video of him flinging dog shit into my front garden. That ones being saved for my Facebook. 😁

[Focusanddetermination]

Yep. One side 60-somethings who scream at each other about petty cleaning tasks at all hours, in and outdoors. Other side small 2 bed with about 5 dogs they leave barking all. fucking. day.

Mainly on here for ideas...

[Straycatstrut]

Yep, it's a beautiful area and the rate I pay in rent reflects that.... but NDN, ugh! She looks like a young Katie Price. Not sure what the hell is going on but cars that you'd expect premier league footballers to drive coming and going all the time, different young 20-somethings covered in bling hanging about her drive. House parties that go on for days, the stench of weed is sickening (lockdown ones have been the WORST).

When my boys are grown up I am going to live in the most remote place possible, even if it means living in a camper in a field. Just me and my dogs.

[Chucklecheeks01]

Oh yes, I fantasise about killing a tree that is about to ruin my brick wall for the second time.
I won't pay to replace it again, will put a fence. They have already said they won't accept a fence there. I see trouble ahead.

[Penners99]

My sister dropped a Christmas card (with a fake winning lottery scratch card inside) through her hideous neighbour's door last year. Suffice to say the chaos was epic!