houseguest issues...again...

[daydreambeliever]

Anyone who saw my recent post on some insenstive houseguests....here we go again... I think.

My houseguests have just departed. I am so happy. But I feel a lot of guilt. How much of what went wrong was my fault??!!!

So 2 Canadians, a married late 40's couple, are taking a month long european vacation. We are buddies with them since we lived in their home town for a few months 2 years ago. Since then we have had a baby- now 3 months. They told us ages ago they were coming to visit. We have a very small second bedroom, full of baby stuff. We put up a camp bed next to the single bed and cotbed (our baby is still in our room)- this eliminated all the floor space. I thought they would take one look and say "Oh, you should have said you had a tiny house, we'll book into a b+b". They didnt. I felt edgy about having them round thehouse all day- I am bfing little one, she is a very easy baby, but I like my space and routines. I hoped they would go into the city and sightsee in the days, but they didnt. They got up late, hung around the house, took little walks. We all spent the first day together, after that, I exccused myself from their little afternoon expeditions each day,saying that I had stuff to do. We all went away together at the weekend. That was great. Then they had 2 more friends arrivingyesterday. Unfortunately I know their 2 freinds a little and find them hard to get on with. DH and I felt we were being put under pressure to pick up the 2 new guests and enetertain them, altho they were staying in a b+b. We told them to get a taxi from the aiport. I ended up cooking diiner for the lot of them last night. One of our houseguests had said something vague along the lines of "We'll all get fish and chips" - but he didnt exectly specify who would pay, and the chippers here are pricey so I cooked. So, anyway it turned out to be a tense meal, the newcomers compounded my dislike of them by basically not being at all interested in us, not making any effort to reciprocate our small talk type questions, and made us feel like intruders at our own table. I buggered off and fed my baby for ages and left them to it, and DH kicked themn out at ten, saying he was tired. Our guests then stayed out late- they were still not in at midnight. Today the atmosphere was strained- clearly the dinner was a flop. I feel responsible for creating a forced get together- but I figured they'd end up round our house anyway, and no -one else offered to cook, hence I just bit the bullet (begrudgingly) and said, right, I'll cook for us all. Our guests cooked dinner for one night over the week. They did buy all the booze every night- but am bfing so dont drink much.

They were all due to leave today, but on Sunday our houseguests put the fear of god into us by saying, "Oh, we might stay another night after the others arrive". We have been wimps about it, in total denial, didnt even want to ask them when they might leave. Today my FIL took matters into his own hands and arranged them a rentalcar so they can all go away. They are coming back in 2 weeks!!!! They informed me they will stay overnight, and would like to take us out to dinner then. I feel this gesture is a little late now!!!! I feel resentful, they breached all the fussy guest etiquette thngs that I always observe. No gifts, no taking us out for lunch or dinner, not stripped their beds, not clear on departure dates, not out of the house enough for my liking. On the plus side, they are laidback and fun, and lovely with my baby. I think they found it odd, even hurtful, that I didnt want to hang out every day with them. But I go crazy if I am with people day after day. And I want time with my baby, lots of time. And I have secret dodgy hobbies, like writing music on the piano, that I cant do in front of them, that I like to get a bit of time with , just half an hour or so each day.

Fully fledged disaster of a visit. Am I antisocial to want to not spend all my time hanging out with them on their visit? To be honest, when really good friends have visited, I want to be with them all the time, and we do stuff together all day. Maybe to them we are very close friends, but to me, they are not such close freinds. Actually, I saw them as a nuisance from day one. Could they have picked up on that and be hurt by it?

Oh dear. Any thoughts?

Oh, and one of them was very ill lately. So they were looking forward to this visit for a long time.

I was in the same situation chick. My houseguest was a friend who was ill and had nowhere else to go. She stayed for about 3 months and never went anywhere so we ended up going out for meals etc for some space! (b4 ds). She was a good houseguest though.
As for the canadians, they probably didn't want to be rude and turn down your room when they got there but staying for 8 days with such a young baby is incredibly inconsiderate. I'm thinking they don't have kids. If I were to do such a thing, I would at least do all the cooking, ironing etc to pay my way and help out. If you can't cope with them coming back, say baby is teething and up all night so DH is in spare room but say you've found them a really nice b&b and you would love to go out for that meal they promised to see them off.

No, they dont have kids. DH says he doesnt want them in the house again and will pretend my mum is visiting when they come back. This has spoiled the friendship as far as we are concerned, and I would rather not see them again, free dinner or no free dinner! It has made me question how well I thought I knew them. And that I guess makes me think, well how can I have people staying in the house around my DD when I dont know them very well? Old friends are the best......

They have probably forgotten what life with tiny children is like (do they have children?)

I know I was a complete cow when my children were tiny. Just too drained to do anything more than keep my head above the water. A very old friend of my husband's would turn up unexpectedly (well, with 30 minutes') notice and have supper, and I was invariably so tired I could barely be civil to him. He never offered even to lay the table, just hung around looking shy. I retrospect, I realise I probably scared the poor guy witless. What I ought to have done is simply given him jobs instead of coming over all passive-aggressive, but even delegating takes energy.

Maybe they were insensitive, maybe they were feeling rather cash-strapped (the rate of exchange for Canadian dollars is diabolical for them) or maybe they were genuinely so wrapped up in their perfect trip that they failed to factor in your possible altered state due to tiredness. They may well return in a more giving frame of mind. Either way, let us hope that they are more proactive on their return.

I think I am getting old. When I was a student (back in the days) we would think nothing of having various people sleep on the floor. No longer. My DH's best friend lives quite a long way away (good) but visits about every 2 months (bad) and stays the weekend which then mainly revolves around him. DH likes him coming down and he is tidy etc and although he's not an unpleasant person he gets on my tits.
He's single at the moment but on the rare occasion he does have a 'ladyfriend' DH doesn't hear from him. This doesn't seem to bother blokes though.
As for the canadians, perhaps cut your losses. Its a shame as they will probably not know what they did wrong as they had such a great time.

Forgot to say- think up a list of activities for them, that involve them being out of the house all day every day. Maybe a a visit to a distant china factory, with a National Trust house and garden on the way back. Maybe meet them for tea there around 4, and then let them take you out in the evening. You will feel a whole lot better having got them out of the house for the day.

I guess some 'houseguests' can outstay their welcome! When I met my dh he was living with his parents and also living there was one of his friends. He'd had a row with his Mum and asked to stay for a couple of days...... 5 years later he was still living there!!!! He didn't pay rent, had washing & cooking done and when finally asked if he could start looking for a placeof his own (as me & my dh were buying a place together) he got all huffy and thought he'd been hard done by!!!!

Yes. I see what you mean, Duchesse. And they did make some half hearted efforts, it would be things like saying, oh you dont have to cook for us tonight...but without saying, becasuse we intend to cook for you. Or saying during dinner, you shouldnt have cooked for us. A bit late, methinks, were we all to starve. But they would have done what I told them, had I had the guts to tell them, but I come over all masochistic martha stewart type when people come over, and think that I have to be able to do everything, and that people will think Im lazy if I dont. Delegation is such a skill. But you know, this is going to be an ongoing thing for me, I will always, I hope , have friends and family coming and going, so i have to figure out how to make visits enjoyable without turning myself into a house-elf for the duration of their holiday. I will use my next guests as an experiment. Whoever they are. Be warned...

Could it be more of a Canadian 'cultural' thing - to not think twice about being in someone else's space for that long etc? My sister emigrated 6 years ago and I do seem to hear a lot about people staying with other people.

Otoh - I totally sympathise with you. DH's cousin came to stay for a 'couple of weeks' while he got himself sorted, and after about 3 months I was ready to attack with a cleaver.
He was barely house-trained, would use the washer for a single item of clothing, ran up an intergalactic phone bill which he could not then afford to pay, and didn't offer any kind of help with buying food etc, and all at a time when we were very strapped for cash. When he left he stripped the house of small, but necessary items like the last bar of soap, toothpaste etc.
He has not received any further invitations to stay.

I can't believe how thoughtless some people are.
Three day rule deffo applies and not much more even for families.
I love my sisters and their families dearly but would have a nervous breakdown if they stayed for three weeks.
Fucking hell!

Visitors and fish stink after three days.

We once had DP's brother to stay for 3 weeks when he broke his leg and couldn't manage on his own. He, of course, could do nothing around the house and he's not the best company and it nearly drove me mad.
I'm lucky if I can manage one day with houseguests. You have my deepest sympathies DDB. btw, they probably don't realise anything was wrong if they're planning on coming again so soon.

I do think you are expecting your house guests to be psychic in guessing what you expect from them. How exactly were they supposed to guess that they should book into a B&B when you had made up a bed for them???

Do you hope people will read your mind?

And why did you invite them for such a long period only to silently fume about having them?

I never have house guests for all the reasons below - and I would go to a hotel myself before having them while I was b/feeding. The last time we had guests was my DH's brother & son - treating me like a maid, never helping, not so much as a bunch of flowers or a thank you phone call - that did it for me. They can stay in a B&B and lump it.

Yes, chocchipcookie, you are right really. I guess they sort of got caught inthe crossfire between me and DH, me saying, we cant possibly have them for that long, it will be hell, and him basically insisting on it, I think cos the visit had been so talked about for so long. Anyway DH now admits I was right and it was a bad idea. Actually he has gone a bit too far with the whole thing now and says we should not answer their emails or phone calls and not answer the door to them when they come back. Talk about from one extreme to the other. But the whole learning point for me is that its really important I decide how to state exactly what I do expect from friends when they visit. I mean, no, they cant read minds, and it does seem a bit silly about the bed thing.

Oh I am so mellow and forgiving now they are gone.

I had the same situation exactly with my DH and his brother. The second time his brother (who is also incredibly patronising and boastful like a little boy so we have to hear all about his promotions, pay rises and how he runs the company yawn yawn) wanted to stay I said no and DH went into a huge strop but I held my ground. I now have the reputation in his family for being an unfriendly cow. But I am a happy, sane cow. What is wrong with a hotel, they have this attitude that 'family' have to stay with you. But everyone ends up miserable.

I think it helps to think ahead and be realistic about what is going to be involved and then say no if you're not comfortable.

It's my house, too.

I feel would v. hurried b/feeding with a houseful of people to look after.

Well it's a relief anyway to read that others find having people to stay as hard as I do, especially when you have young children. I've been feeling very upset with myself for how stressed out I've been this summer with a constant flow of guests, who by the way without exception haven't bought me a present, stripped their beds or paid for a meal out.

I get everyone and their mother wanting to stay in our tiny 2 bed semi. I don't set groundrules, but I do let people know what to expect, like I won't be able to go out to dinner every night, that dd can't handle a 12-hour day up in London and that we do have a schedule to keep. We provide guests with maps and guidebooks and recommend day trips. We all go when possible but sometimes dd needs a quiet day.

I've found that American visitors tend to be nervous about getting around and need at least one guided trip, after which you can tell them that they're on their own for fun. Also, dh and I trade off going out so neither of us gets too tired.

People on holiday never seem to realize that the rest of the world is not on holiday!

Just give them the number of a nice b&b and tell them you think they'll be more comfortable there.

oh god I was just going to post something simular. I cause rows regular about not having dh relatives to sleep anymore. I only have a living room, am extremly anxious around them(shy person) and also like my own space. I have an allergy child with problems with mosts foods,anaphylactic to nuts and has eczema accompanied by disturbed sleep. Its so so uncomfortable

my perfect house guests have just left after a week, cooked one dinner, saw them at breakfast,then late at night for a chat,took us out to dinner, the firwst time ever.washed sheets and remade dd bed and left her room tidier than it was before.

We have stayed with friends with DS a couple of times. Unfortunately each time we were there for three nights. I literally felt the goodwill evaporate after the second night, even when meals were purchased and dishwashers unstacked.

Not their fault and not particularly ours, its just true 3 days (2 nights) is a guests limit.