to expect my DH to come home when DS has had a head injury and been rushed to hospital in an ambulance? (bit of a rant)

[alycat]

Yesterday my 3 yr old DS (who has SN including mobility problems) fell and gashed the back of his head around 3pm, blood everywhere.

I called an Ambulance, called 2 pals (left messages on answerphones) to collect my DD along with theirs from school at 4.30pm, then called my Dh's office. He was in a meeting so I said "Don't interupt it, but when it ends tell him DS is going to hosp in an ambulance with a head injury"

At 4.40 I called school to check on DD, had not been collected so spoke to her, she went to late class. Called friend who had not got message before school run and she went back to get DD.

Called my DH's office to be told 'in a meeting' "Same one?" I asked. " No he came out of that one and has gone off with a journalist." (most meetings with journo's take place in pub!) So I called his mobile to aske what time he was coming home, "7pm" was his reply. We then Had A Few Words.

He runs/owns the co. so no asking for time off, has 9 staff so cover not a problem.

Is that normal to not bother to even call when your child has a head injury - bearing in mind his SN condition means that the arteries over his brain are abnormal and likely to cause a bleed or stroke?

cerrrrrrikey

what work does he do?

He runs a PR and advertising agency with 3 offices in the USA, one in Aus and one in Singapore - so not exactly th PM!

aly - glad to read son is okay after a bloody scary day for both of you. take care of yourself ditto to all previous good advice given

No. YANBU. My DH came haring out of a meeting when I dropped my DS#1 and he hit his head. He had to drive me to the hospital whilst held DS crying my eyes out (I couldn't feel him breathing or feel a pulse).

I think that telling him not to leave the first meeting was a useful excuse not to bother. Though why he'd want to not bother I don;t know....

He is a prat.
Personally I would have got him out of the meeting.
My DD had a very bad eye injury at 22 months of age. I also had a 4 year old and a 3 week old. I rounded up a couple of neighbours to come and mind the kids, got the inlaws back from their day out and rang DH's work. The receptionist offered to put me through to him (he wasn't at either of his phones). I said I needed to use the phone and could she find him and tell him to come home immediately. This she did and he did a 75 minute journey in 39 minutes. I was v cross. Left the boys with a neighbour and went in the ambulance. Took us to the wrong hospital so had to be blue lighted to another. DH met us there with the 3 week old.

YANBU at all. I hope that your ds is OK?

I've had a similar do with my dh when dd had to go to A&E with a heart problem.

He didn't come up to the hospital, and moaned when it looked like dd (and me) would have to stay overnight, as it would have meant him having to take time off precious work to look after ds.

Part of me was upset for dd (who was sobbing for her Daddy), the other part was furious due to the lack of support...

I'm not looking forward to when dd has to stay in hospital in another city for tests

When I was pregnant with DS1 I was injured in an accident and had to spend 6 weeks on traction in hospital. DH told me he was busy at work but would try to come to see me twice a week. My parents gave him a good talking to. He is now very good about anything like that - not only for family but also to visit friends. Some men just don't understand things until they are told (very sternly).

How is ds now? YANBU - sounds as if you and dh need a Big Talk about what is important and what's not.

well - he trusts you to take care of a crisis, and stays back until given a specific instruction or request?

I am somwhat amazed that he didn't call to check on how bad Ds was, I must admit.

And, you know, even sensitive hands-on fathers as described on ths thread can get it wrong.

DP would have called back immediately in a huge faff and panic, yelled at me on the assumption that I could / should have prevented whatever had happened, been concerned beyond reason about DS, cancelled a meeting on which our finances for the next 20 years depended....and then come home via 3 slow buses rather than jump in a cab.

At the very least he should have OFFERED to come home or to the hospital. That would have left you able to say "No don't worry I have it under control" and you would have felt supported.

My dh offered to fly back from a skiing holiday when ds was 12 months old and in hospital. I said no but was pleased that he would have done.

YANBU . I thought when you said 'come home' he was away working in a different part of the country or another country! He should at least of called to check he was ok between meetings. (Unless of course you are prone to overdramatising?) Not meant to be an insult.

none taken tori!

DS fine after a few days of subdued behaviour and EXTREME whinginess/clingyness, gone to nursery this am no problem.

I realise that not being specific about my requirements was confusing for my DH. So many of you were right about spelling it out for the poor little loves!!

My dd has SN and I know how you can end up being in a position of doing absolutely everything for them. More often than not it's easier and frequently dp is slightly in denial about her needs.

Sounds like DH is completely committed to work above family (I'm not saying that's wrong) but if that is the case you are getting considerably less help than a SAHM with a DH who gets involved and works fewer hours.

But I must say you're giving mixed messages out about your ds's need at the time - telling dh not to worry but mentioning ds's stroke risks. Dp is maybe not sure of what you expect from him. It sounds like you are giving dh too long a leash but you need to decide on boundaries. How does ds feel about his father's absence (I'm guessing that's all he's known so is used to it). I think that should be important in how you agree boundaries.

Before I suggest it though, do you have any paid help at home?

MrsM,

The stroke risk is something we face everyday - it is our normal - my DH is quite well aware of this following countless meets with the Neuro( that he will now come to as I've put my foot down). When I said 'don't panic' it was not my intention to downplay the risk, but be realisitic - I was well aware that the injury itself was not life threatening.

I agree that my DH does not know what I expect from him - both he and I suspect he has aspergers, his early childhood would also bear this theory out. So he is unable to pick up any social clues and just could not 'put himself in my shoes' as it were. I usually make allowances for this but in the stress of the moment left it for him to decide what he should do, and as you quite rightly say he is focussed on his business and that came first!

DS is 3 and non-verbal so I haven't really discussed with him how he feels about DH working away. My NT 7 yr old just accepts it and is pleased that she and I can have girly 'sleepovers' together when DH is away. When he is away for more than 12 days in a row she misses him, but she emails and skypes him regularly.

I do have some paid help, although not currently. DS does 5 mornings at nursery now so not quite so much need. Have a new live in Au Pair starting in October.

Thank you again to everyone who gave advice.