In expecting my partner to accept the fact i am not tidy and not to keep having endless rows!!

[bouncy]

I work part time, my dp full time (up to 50 hrs) before we moved in together he made endless comments after coming to my house that i was not the tidiest person he'd ever met, I said to him that is the way I am, I am just not organised and if he wants to be with me than he will have to take me warts and all.

I would like to point out that its not a dirty house, just piles of clean washing that need to be put away, shoes not on the show rack etc etc, piles of paperwork etc etc

he has come home from work today grumpy that the house is in a mess and he has had to tidy it up (i didn't ask him too) I didn't do any housework today as I was out visiting my mum and taking my son to the park.

When we row about it and I say you knew I was like this before you moved in, his reply is I hoped you would change!!!!

[Anna8888]

I think that tidiness does have something to do with it, personally. If our house is tidy, that means my daughter (2.10) knows where to find things, can manage much more on her own and has greater control over her own life. I think that tidiness/an ordered environment is one of the greatest gifts one can give to one's young children to help them gain autonomy .

Furthermore, I have stepsons who have been brought up in a much less ordered household than my own. Their expectation that they will be able to manage their environment is much lower than that of my nephews, say, (to compare boys of roughly the same age), because they have been brought up to expect to have to ask where to find things and not to have an easy, child-friendly system for managing their possessions.

[melrose]

Sounds like my house! I do try but never seemto manage that immaculate house look. Every time i amke areal effort and think the house is looking good DH will come in and comment on whatever bit I ahve over looked in a "I'll empty the dishwasher then.." sort of way. Drives me insane. Think you are either born tisy or not. Thing is he is not that tidy, we just get irritated by differenbt things i guees

[Anna8888]

StarlightMackenzie - well, obviously (un)tidiness is on a spectrum ranging from total chaos to control-freakery order and both extremes are going to be very harmful to children's development and most of the mid-range is going to be fairly benign .

I really tried very hard to organise our house such that the children would be able to do as much for themselves as possible without having to ask us, break anything or themselves, create havoc etc. And I de-clutter constantly so that we don't have cupboards full of redundant objects. Personally the belief that I am therefore making my children's lives/development better actually helps motivate me to tidy

[blueshoes]

starlight, your description just sounds like an ordinary household. Unless you have the luxury of a utility room, or space to hide all the work-in-progress away, of course it has to wait somewhere until you or dh find the time to put it away. Does the laundry sit in that pile for days?

If I do some home admin, I put it in a pile until it is sorted. As I am working, it takes a few days for me to eke out the time to do it bit by bit. If I tidied it away every day, it would take me twice as long to get it all out from their respective files again to work on. Only if I leave it out does it have a chance of being done.#

And dishes sit in the sink until someone has time to wash and put away. It will be done by the next meal, but no way I can have an immaculate house at all times.

You need a live-in housekeeper and cleaner for that.

[TigerFeet]

It's definitely about thresholds isn't it?

Messy people I know don't deliberately leave a mess, they don't notice that it is a mess. It just doesn't register on their radar.

The system in our house works thus:

All crap in spare bedroom. Rest of house in reasonably tidy order.

DH and I are both tidy people though. I can't stand clutter and he hates things like unwashed dishes - he does them 3-4 times over the course of a day when at home.

Our standards are fairly similar though which makes life easier

I have lived in some shitholes though with some incredibly messy people and it drove me insane. But as I said above, my housemates were not deliberately leaving a mess, they just couldn't see it was a mess.

[berolina]

Ever since being a SAHD (he isn't any more, or only to a limited degree) dh has been all territorial over (most of) the housework, claiming it's 'his' and restacking the dishwasher when I load it . However, I am cleaner/tidier than him, so I do what I feel necessary whenever I feel it necessary, which means we end up more or less equally sharing. Absolutely fine by me.

I was thinking what harpsi said during most of this thread. There seemed to be no assumption at all that he could do at least a bit of the tidying.

[OrmIrian]

Oh I don't think there was any suggestion that the OPs partner shouldn't do any tidying. In the orginal example he did it anyway (admittedly with a bad grace). And most posters emphasised compromise. IME as the only tidy person in the household of 5, I end up doing much more because otherwise it doesn't really get done.

[Anna8888]

StarlightMackenzie - go for it . Especially since it appears your LO is still young enough that he will be able to fully reap the benefit of a tidy envinronment in his formative years

The other big win is that, if the house is tidy, there is much less yelling. And I hate people telling children off when it could have been avoided by anticipating their needs/stage of development better.

[mumblechum]

Don't you have laundry hampers for the dirty washing?

I have a hamper in each bedroom and all the bathrooms and just go round collecting them twice a week.

So far as leaving the dishes (for up to a week?!) it must seem like a massive chore if there's an absolute mountain. Couldn't you get a dishwasher? I know it's still a pain to unload and reload, but at least you can switch it on and go and blob out.

Your description sounds a bit like my dh's house when I first met him. He gave me a key and the first time I let myself into his house alone he had plates in the kitchen with mould on them. Couldn't believe it. He just doesn't see mess which is good in a way, as I don't really keep the house too tidy.

[Anna8888]

blueshoes, StarlightMackenzie - please, please, PLEASE get a dishwasher . And all other labour saving mod cons if you don't already have them.

[blueshoes]

starlight, you make me laugh.

Could you and dh at least get more organised, like having laundry hampers, instead of piles - or is that too much like a wardrobe?

I can't think that leaving dirty dishes out for a week is particularly hygienic. Sorry, could not live like that.

The key to housework for busy parents is little and often. I believe some mnetters do flylady.

[OrmIrian]

Iron!! I think that perhaps I iron ten garments a week. Which is a lot less than I wash. Now ironing is a waste of time

We have a pile of stuff on top of the microwave waiting for ironing but otherwise it sits in a pile on our bed until someone (quite often DH ) puts it away.

[blueshoes]

yes, we have a dishwasher. But we prefer to wash dishes by hand, since we cook and partially wash up along the way. Plus it probably uses less water and we don't have a lot of dishes - economical in our use of crockery and utensils. The action of stacking and unstacking a dishwasher is also laborious.

We use the dishwasher for washing up when entertaining.

[Dinosaur]

dirty dishes out for a week!!

blimey, DH gets cross with me if I leave an unwashed mug in the sink for 10 minutes...

[blueshoes]

'We' being dh and I, not royal

[bossykate]

dirty dishes out for a week!!!!! boak!!!

obviously a superlative parent then

[Anna8888]

Gosh blueshoes - I have a dishwasher and I can tell you with utmost certainty that no-one in this household ever washes up anything by hand . And I have organised the kitchen cupboards such that I don't even have to move my feet when unloading it - everything in regular use is stored in cupboards and drawers right next to it.

StarlightM - I'd hate not to have room for a dishwasher

[blueshoes]

, Anna. The dishwasher sounds like it is the focus of your kitchen

[hellish]

starlight, i agree with you, tidyness is NOT necessary for everyone, what difference does it make if you take your clean clothes from a pile or from the wardrobe?

To the OP, my dh drives me mad with claims that our house is 'mingin' or like a bombsite and insists on calling everything that is left in sight 'shit'.
But I married him- and I knew what he was like.....