In expecting my partner to accept the fact i am not tidy and not to keep having endless rows!!

[bouncy]

I work part time, my dp full time (up to 50 hrs) before we moved in together he made endless comments after coming to my house that i was not the tidiest person he'd ever met, I said to him that is the way I am, I am just not organised and if he wants to be with me than he will have to take me warts and all.

I would like to point out that its not a dirty house, just piles of clean washing that need to be put away, shoes not on the show rack etc etc, piles of paperwork etc etc

he has come home from work today grumpy that the house is in a mess and he has had to tidy it up (i didn't ask him too) I didn't do any housework today as I was out visiting my mum and taking my son to the park.

When we row about it and I say you knew I was like this before you moved in, his reply is I hoped you would change!!!!

[harpsichordcarrier]

er, hold on, why is this her mess?piles of clean washing? shoes? presumably these belong to the whole family.
news flash, ladies, housework is not woman's work
do a rota
point out that you have compromised already
suggest he does the same
suggest that if it bothers him he sorts it
suggest that he remembers that there are a million more important things than housework e.g. visiting your mum and going to the park.

[OrmIrian]

Err... harpsi "suggest that if it bothers him he sorts it " Yes, my DH used that argument too. He got pretty short shrift. Anything that needs doing should be done equally. Saying that you are too high-minded to care about mess is a bloody good way of getting out of taking responsibility IMO. What if you said you didn't care about food so didn't cook. Or didn't care about the DCs getting a good nights sleep so won't help with bedtime.

[bossykate]

"Saying that you are too high-minded to care about mess is a bloody good way of getting out of taking responsibility IMO"

ormirian, i think i'm in love

[harpsichordcarrier]

because food matters
and because bedtime matters
piles of washing, however do not matter in the scheme of things.
unless they matter to you in which case you do something about them
there is only a limited amount of time in the day, you have to prioritise.
presumably bouncy has done the washing, dried it, put it into piles.
how about her dp puts it away?
is that a massive thing to ask?

[mumblechum]

"House work is not womans work"

Maybe not, but surely it's primarily the responsibility of whichever partner is only working part time????

If I was working full time and my dh part time I would fully expect him to spend at least a small part of those extra 20 or so hours per week keeping the house reasonably tidy.

[harpsichordcarrier]

it isn't a cse of being high minded
it is a case of having more important things to do with your time

[bossykate]

yeah, i also get if it bothers you so much you do it, to the extent that i'm now thinking why exactly do you live here?

[harpsichordcarrier]

er only working part time?
who does the childcare?
if one partner works full time and the other doesn't work, then is all the housework their responsibility then?

[harpsichordcarrier]

that's the spirit of love and compromise bossykate

[mumblechum]

Yep.

[bossykate]

more important things to do than care about stress and unhappiness in your partner? stress and unhappiness in your partner doesn't matter in the scheme of things? hmm.

[bossykate]

backatcha, harpsi, just what is so difficult about being considerate about your living space? isn't that the spirit of love and compromise?

[ELR]

are you me ???
this happens to me all the time dh moans all the time its a pita!!

[bossykate]

eff off and do it yourself if it bothers you so much is hardly the spirit of love and compromise either - or at least not in my world.

[harpsichordcarrier]

blimey mumblechum, this isn't the nineteen fifties you know.
so, a partner taking care of children full time should do all the housework. and the person working outside the home full time shoudl do none. presumably becaiuse workingn outside the home is far more tiring than looking after children.
and the person working part time should do all of it too.

interesting....

[bossykate]

anyway, am parping myself now as this, among with a number of other things, is a serious issue for dh & i right now.

[harpsichordcarrier]

er, who is telling their partner to eff off
the OP is getting hassled and a row even though she has changed her ways and compromised.
but your answer is she shoudl just change more
but what about him?

[bossykate]

"suggest that if it bothers him he sorts it"

ok so you didn't actually say eff off and do it yourself, it was a paraphrase.

[mumblechum]

I like stirring things up

I'm a lazy mare who's always worked part time only, even though ds is now 13 and soI could easily goback full time.

I know it's different when kids are little, but I still feel sorry for men who come home from work and the house is a tip, dinner's not ready etc.

[bossykate]

am really going now.

[OrmIrian]

As it happens I think that from what the OP said she probably has compromised enough. Sounds to me like her DH comes home feeling stressed and snaps because, like me, he find mess very uncomfortable. That doesn't make him right.

And as for spending time doing more important things, isn't that the whole nub of the issue? Tidying not being important is of course entirely a matter of opinion. I don't find watching football particularly important but DH assures me it is. Absolutely vital.

[Dinosaur]

Haven't read the whole thread, but you have my sympathy - this is a fruitful source of rows in our house too, with me as the untidy one.

The trouble is that I don't think I am untidy by any reasonable person's standards but DH is just a blimmin tidiness fanatic.

[Anna8888]

StarlightMackenzie - actually, you are not quite right . An ordered and predictable environment (which, by the way, does not equate to a rigid routine) is a precondition of children's healthy psychological development.