In expecting my partner to accept the fact i am not tidy and not to keep having endless rows!!

[bouncy]

I work part time, my dp full time (up to 50 hrs) before we moved in together he made endless comments after coming to my house that i was not the tidiest person he'd ever met, I said to him that is the way I am, I am just not organised and if he wants to be with me than he will have to take me warts and all.

I would like to point out that its not a dirty house, just piles of clean washing that need to be put away, shoes not on the show rack etc etc, piles of paperwork etc etc

he has come home from work today grumpy that the house is in a mess and he has had to tidy it up (i didn't ask him too) I didn't do any housework today as I was out visiting my mum and taking my son to the park.

When we row about it and I say you knew I was like this before you moved in, his reply is I hoped you would change!!!!

just get a cleaner who does a bit of tidying

I feel a bit sorry for you actually...dh and I are both really untidy but about once a month, we rant and rave about the state of the house and spend a whole morning clearing it up then it deteriorates back to its old state and repeat

YANBU

Bouncy you sound just like me - or at least your house does -

I guess the compromise angle is not a bad idea. I could never change into this clinical person with a cold sterile house but I guess if I was in a partnership I might focus on a couple of things which I can handle (this is important as you do not want to take up something and not keep at it and feel like a failure, which you are not)

I do washing up and I try to keep all my paperwork contained to a corner rather than sprawling all over the front room. This still doesn't stop me trawling through the bin when my cleaner has been and binned important items!

So yeah, come up with a compromise and find a cleaner that has a 'system'. Also consider decluttering. You might also have too much stuff for the space you got.

p.s there is order in chaos - the chaos theory exists for a reason. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your way is wrong x

Ah this rings about a million bells. In fact, this very evening I have drawn up a rota for me and DP in an attempt to stop us arguing about the mess. I am a very messy person. This may sound like a cop out but I really do feel like I can't help it. Obviously I know that things don't put themselves away etc, but I just don't seem to 'see' mess in the same way he does, or at least not until it gets really bad.

One of the main points of contention is the kitchen. I do all the cooking, he does all the washing up, but his problem is the mess I leave when I cook. In my mind, I obviously make all the mess in the kitchen, cos I do all the cooking. In his mind, I should clear up as I go along. I guess the truth is somewhere in the middle. It's not that I like living in a mess, I love it when the flat is spotless, but there just always seems to be something more important to do. DP sees it as a lack of respect for him, I just see it as me being rather lax, something which I am honestly, honestly always trying to work on

Its not just your partner, think of your children as well.
It really isnt good for children to grow up surrounded by mess.

Starlight she keeps living room and bedroom spotless, kitchen tidy already. I think that's fair enough myself.

Yes I would like to know why it is bad for your children to live in a mess. New anthropological study due here.

Slack Sally - are you my secret twin? is your dp my dh? reading your post was like being a fly on the wall of my kitchen....

bouncy - I think you must be my DH's secret twin . Because hes a messy bugger too.

And whilst your DH should, as I have, learnt to pull his horns in a little, you should learn to be a bit tidier. Messy people never really understand how much misery mess can cause a naturally tidy person - it probably sounds daft to you but chaos makes me stressed and very unhappy. I've learnt to live with partial blinkers so that I only look at the clean bits, but the horrible truth is that it still bothers me and in my ideal world I'd live in a lovely sterile minimal environment with no mess. Dh has actually made me more extreme. 'You' are not a messy person, you are a person who chooses to be messy. You expect DH to change, so should you.

OrmIrian - why should it be the messy person who has to do most of the changing?
If you are naturally tidy (like my dh is) you have no idea how hard it is to change your ways. Would you find it easy to become messy? No! I do not choose to be messy - I just honestly do not see things the way dh does. I don't annoy him on purpose it's just how I am. Yes, I make an effort but I know it will never come naturally. You say we don't realise how much stress mess causes to tidy people - it works both ways you know! Constantly panicking that everything must be neat and in it's place drives me mental.
I would rather be messing about with dd - dh and I just have different priorities. In case he forgets I have this on my office wall:
I hope when my child looks back on today
They remember a Mum who had time to play
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
Children grow when you're not looking
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep

jackstini - that's the whole point! Both need to change. As I said in my post, I've changed hugely and am quite miserable about it if I'm honest. Both sides have to shift a little.

And yes I've seen that little ditty before. I manage to parent my kids and be reasonably tidy too suprisingly.

Some people are tidier than others, it's true. But could it be that moany DPs are maoning because somehow, deep down (or even not deep down at all) they feel it's somehow worse for a woman not to make housework a priority? Because that's what women are 'for'?

I'm single, so don't have to worry about what any man thinks of my house (apart from moany landlord), DS too young to take any notice. But it doesn't bother me that the house is untidy. I've got more interesting, important and enjoyable things to do than tidy up.

make a rota?

Set a timer for 15 mins in one room and see how much you can do! And yes , it is from Flylady-but she's right!
The difference is, she advocates doing stuff that needs to be done quickly so you can have fun and play with your kids.
And she's soooo right about clutter and it's affect on me!

ormirian i'm completely with you. at the idea that being tidy and being a good parent are mutually exclusive! of course that's what slatterns like to tell themselves

"Messy people never really understand how much misery mess can cause a naturally tidy person - it probably sounds daft to you but chaos makes me stressed and very unhappy. I've learnt to live with partial blinkers so that I only look at the clean bits, but the horrible truth is that it still bothers me and in my ideal world I'd live in a lovely sterile minimal environment with no mess. Dh has actually made me more extreme."

hear hear.

it is a fundamental compatibility issue imho.

A messy person and a tidy person can't share a home happily without both parties being prepared to compromise.

But a fondness for housework is no indicator of moral superiority (by fondness I mean actually being bothered to do more than the bare minimum to prevent household infestations).

yes and a lack of fondness for housework isn't an indicator of superior parenting either.

I haven't read all this but I did smile when I saw the thread title as DH and I went through real issues with this when we moved in together. We have compromised on assigning areas where I can pile things and he won't complain or hide them. He very occasionally does attempt to make me clear things up but on the whole he has been pretty good about this. Provided you have arrived at an agreement about where you will be tidy and where you can have some clutter then he should let it alone.

If he really wno't let it go perhaps there is something else wrong at work or something?