In expecting my partner to accept the fact i am not tidy and not to keep having endless rows!!

[bouncy]

I work part time, my dp full time (up to 50 hrs) before we moved in together he made endless comments after coming to my house that i was not the tidiest person he'd ever met, I said to him that is the way I am, I am just not organised and if he wants to be with me than he will have to take me warts and all.

I would like to point out that its not a dirty house, just piles of clean washing that need to be put away, shoes not on the show rack etc etc, piles of paperwork etc etc

he has come home from work today grumpy that the house is in a mess and he has had to tidy it up (i didn't ask him too) I didn't do any housework today as I was out visiting my mum and taking my son to the park.

When we row about it and I say you knew I was like this before you moved in, his reply is I hoped you would change!!!!

[NKF]

People see mess differently. Some people hate piles of magazines, others see it as reading material for later. Personally, I think the only solution to housework rows is a cleaner.

[OrmIrian]

I am an athsmatic which is an even better reason not to live in undustable clutter. I've compromised by keeping as much as possible clutter-free and ignoring the rest. Simply can't keep it the way I want it without any input from anyone else

[PrincessGoodLife]

Here's a thought, bouncy. How about you set by an hour on Saturday mornings where you both do a quick tidy-up? I know from experience that unsorted clothes, shoes, and all that type of stuff can make a place look messy very quickly but are actually not too difficult to address. And if your ds is old enough to help (even in a little way, like putting his toys in a box) then you'll be teaching him useful skills as well as showing him mum and dad keeping their own house in order.

Then after that regular tidy-up hour everyone goes out together to the park or for coffee or whatever. And everyone's happy.




Now I am off to see if I can think up something marvelous to join in the Caroline1852 vs Anna8888 Lifestyle Products Competition

[dontwanttogetoutofbed]

i make a big effort for my dh to be tidy. he appreciates it and even i benefit since its more pleasant for everyone

[blueshoes]

nightynight, clutter is also bad fengshui, if you believe in this sort of thing

[MrsMarvel]

I don't think it's unreasonable to keep a house tidy, the OP keeps most of her house tidy so that's not the end of the world.

As for the anthropological study, I was being ironic. Judging from your experience it was the best thing for you to live in a messy house because you are now tidy! I, on the other hand, lived in a tidy house and am now messy!

[Nightynight]

starlight & mrs marvel
isnt it a bit obsessive to want to link everything to an academic study?
if your children grow up (as I did) in a house where you have to literally climb over mess to get to your bed at night, it stands to reason that they will be affected. eg, they wont know how to keep stuff tidy - yes, it is a skill that has to be learned.

I once read a magazine article, that suggested that the secret to raising confident children included not having screaming matches when leaving for school in the morning, and not living in a mess.
Having come from a family that does both those things, I am inclined to believe that there is some truth in that.

I was in my mid thirties, the first time I lived in a tidy house, and I felt a slew of stress drop of my shoulders, I can tell you.

Sorry that you think it is so unreasonable to expect families to keep a house tidy - thats what my mother used to say as well. I am a single mother of 4, working full time, and my house is mostly tidy, because I work at keeping it so. That's not "what are you?" kind of stuff, its just normal.

[Anna8888]

Caroline - no Aga here in my Paris flat - the kitchen's far too small (designed for the resident slave , not for family meals) and every centimeter had to be thought out in order to squeeze in a proper six-seater kitchen table.

So we've gone the modern design route, both in furniture and equipment, in order to actually use the kitchen for both cooking and eating.

[3andnomore]

There are more important things then a tidy house....he knew what you were like, so...he obviously loved you for who you are...

I would give so much to be a tidy and brillaint housewife...I am not and I don't think I will ever be, unless I get a personality or brain transplant....

[lornaloo]

I can kind of see your dps point. If I worked 50 hours a week and came home to clutter and mess it would stress me out. I knew dp wasnt tidy when I first met him but he has to do his fare share. I basically do everything when it comes to house work but if he's around then I ask him to do a few things or I'll get him to take ds out so I can get things done. Maybe you should get a cleaner to come once a week when your at work? It sounds like you dont have much time to do everything perhaps that would solve things.

[Caroline1852]

Anna8888 - I don't mean dinner set type china for the sald bowls - I just mean general-use salad bowls from Anta etc (they just fade after too many cycles in the dishwasher). I have a huge inherited set of Mason's Regency and never use it.... sad really as I like it very much. Ditto a huge lovely set of silver cutlery with proper fish knives and cake forks and even pushers for tots. I cook mostly inside my Aga ovens and LeCreuset or other enamelled cast iron works best. I too have some good quality stainless pans with heavy copper bottoms but they do not work so well inside the Aga ovens, fine on top though and I do put them in the dishwasher. I cook a lot and don't mind the washing up!

[lailasmum]

It is really hard when you have different ideas of what is acceptable, my husband is totally anal about tidiness and I am not, I wouldn't say I am terrible as I clean a lot (hoovering, washing, that kind of thing) but a pile of something here or there doesn't bother me, especially if I am half way through something. Initially when we moved in together we used have a few fallings out but, he sort of accepted it after a while, I did try really hard for a long time, simply to please him but when I realised that he was actually re-doing everything I had done to his taste I gave up, things like if i put the shopping away in the fridge he would come back take it all out and reorganise it so it is perfectly fitted in. Also he like to remove vegetables from their bags and arrange them in straight rows in the vegetable rack which I think is hilarious, don't think the carrot cares.

I think you can reach an understanding but it will take a bit of negotiation, particularly if you are actually doing most of the normal cleaning and tidying and things aren't filthy. Then it sort of comes down to figuring out a mid point of disorganisation he can live with. Its particularly hard when kids untidy everything 2 seconds after putting in lots of effort to get it immaulate.

[lucyellensmum]

By Dinosaur on Tue 11-Sep-07 13:24:33
dirty dishes out for a week!!

blimey, DH gets cross with me if I leave an unwashed mug in the sink for 10 minutes...

Well even im not so lazy as to leave unwashed dishes for a week, but if my DP commented on an unwashed mug in the sink after ten minutes, he would be wearing it, and possibly being forced head first into a sink full of fairy!

[blueshoes]

what could be more horrible than being untidy?

[lucyellensmum]

here here madamez - my sentiments exactly, i couldnt have put it better myself, i find the whole fourth bridge thing about cleaning a total bore, you do it, it needs doing again, you leave it, it still needs doing, eventually it pisses me off enough to get it done, then, when im in the mood, i do it - sometimes it is a pain but on the whole, im happy that way, DP just puts up.

I'd love a tidy house, i just dont want to tidy it - and i dont want a cleaner either, because actually i dont hink my house is tidy enough, i think they like to be able to get at the surfaces to dust them at leasst

[hifi]

same here, just because my dh is tidy doesnt mean he doesnt do other annoying things, some so horrible i cant mention. therfore we come to an aggrement we will both try not to annoy each other. if hes on my case i just mention the horrible thing he does and he has no answer.

[Anna8888]

Caroline - I don't do Le Creuset, I have ICM Le Pentole and they come out of the dishwasher looking like new . I have lots of wooden salad bowls (especially olive wood) but they need wiping over with clean oil (they hate water).

All our old and delicate china and silver cutlery is stored away for another, childfree existence . Though I don't like it much anyway...

[Caroline1852]

I try and live by the William Morris saying "Have nothing in your homes that you do not consider to be beautiful or uselful".

[Caroline1852]

Anna8888 - I am surprised you put everything in the dishwasher. I don't put Le Creuset pans or my favourite salad bowls (because they are pretty china and would fade and also because they take up too much space in the d/w and do not take much washing). I do put in wooden implements because I like them when they shrink and become very compacted (I can't stand new wooden spoons - they need sanding down!).

[Caroline1852]

Bouncy - He says he hoped you would change. You clearly hoped (and still hope) he would be the one doing the changing! Tidy is the preferable state. I think YABU. Sorry. When you have children your untidiness will get worse by a factor of 50 (per child!).

[madamez]

Excessive fuss about tidiness can be Bad Parenting, you know. If your DC are never allowed to do anything because it might make a mess, then that can't be very good for them (not accusing anyone on here - how would I know who does what?). But messy people don't really see mess. We don;t percieve it, and we think life is too short to fuss about it. WOuld you like to live with someone who was constantly wittering at you to spend more and more of your time doing stuff that's boring, pointless, and will only have to be done all over again next year anyway?

[Anna8888]

Yes, well, it does relieve me of the most unenviable task in the kitchen so I like to have it to hand . I loathe washing up.

[hellish]

starlight, i agree with you, tidyness is NOT necessary for everyone, what difference does it make if you take your clean clothes from a pile or from the wardrobe?

To the OP, my dh drives me mad with claims that our house is 'mingin' or like a bombsite and insists on calling everything that is left in sight 'shit'.
But I married him- and I knew what he was like.....

[blueshoes]

, Anna. The dishwasher sounds like it is the focus of your kitchen

[Anna8888]

Gosh blueshoes - I have a dishwasher and I can tell you with utmost certainty that no-one in this household ever washes up anything by hand . And I have organised the kitchen cupboards such that I don't even have to move my feet when unloading it - everything in regular use is stored in cupboards and drawers right next to it.

StarlightM - I'd hate not to have room for a dishwasher