Why are NR Parents allowed to refuse contact?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

Bear with me as I have no personal experience of this, but I heard something this week that's been niggling at me and I want to understand the reasoning behind it (if there is any).

A friend told me this week that her ex husband has informed her that he's going abroad for a month (holiday) and obviously won't be able to have his children during this period. Their agreement gives him access EOW. She's annoyed because she'd made plans for those two weekends and will now have to cancel them. She suggested that he arrange a babysitter for at least a few hours, but he's refused.
He also pays no maintenance (no idea how he wriggled out of that).

Anyway, my question is, what's the "legal logic" behind giving the NR parent regular access, but then allowing them to simply not take it and also fail to make alternative arrangements for their children?

I can't understand why one parent is expected to do perhaps 95% of the actual parenting while the other does just a few days every year. How does this make sense? Add in the financial component and it makes even less sense to me!

[asmallangrycermet]

Fucking typical controlling behaviour. My dad was exactly the same. Made a huge song and dance about wanting contact with me, dragged my mother to court countless times. Then would cancel at pickup time, would be late to pickup or drop me off back to my mum early - all because he had other things to do and other places to be. He has been physically abusive to every woman he has been in a relationship with (I physically witnessed it with 3 of his partners) and actually got taken to court for hitting my sister when she was 14. I think the worst thing was that I absolutely worshipped him as a kid, in my eyes he was never wrong. Of course his things were more important! Of course he had other things to do! How DARE my mother be upset about him picking me up late or dropping me back early and completely screwing up everything she had going on - obviously she didn't love me as much. He absolutely shit talked my mother and turned me against her frequently. He also paid SO MUCH child maintenance that he barely had anything to live off of 🤨 it wasn't until I was about 9 or 10 that I realised how much of a dick I'd been to my mum because of his bullshit and worked out just how many lies he had fed me. I was a pawn. Best part is that at one point he had me convinced that the access arrangement should be 50:50. What a fucking nightmare that would have been!

So quite frankly the partners on here saying "wahhh but I want my kids and I tryyyy to have them but my partner won't letttt meeee"... you can fuck right off. Because if there was nothing wrong with the children having contact with you then the courts would have arranged it already. Yes, the courts screw up and give contact to abusive partners and that's horrible. So let's avoid that by restricting access until you can prove that you're not flaky/dangerous/incredibly screwed up. It's not fair on your children and I sincerely hope that you aren't telling them all of your "woes" in trying to gain access. It's not fair on them.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

@Heymacarana

Yes, but why is he scheduling month-long holidays knowing that he won't see his DC during that time, when he allegedly wants to see them so much - and takes her back to court if he misses any time?

It suggests to me that the DC aren't really his priority. I know that many parents aren't like that at all, I'm just talking about this one.

And as his ex is solely financially supporting her DC, I don't think she could take them on long holidays!

[Heymacarana]

So quite frankly the partners on here saying "wahhh but I want my kids and I tryyyy to have them but my partner won't letttt meeee"... you can fuck right off. Because if there was nothing wrong with the children having contact with you then the courts would have arranged it already. Yes, the courts screw up and give contact to abusive partners and that's horrible. So let's avoid that by restricting access until you can prove that you're not flaky/dangerous/incredibly screwed up. It's not fair on your children and I sincerely hope that you aren't telling them all of your "woes" in trying to gain access. It's not fair on them.

Whatever - you have no idea what thousands of loving fathers are dealing with.

It’s an old article but things haven’t changed and I am busy

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2520410/Father-rights-Mother-stops-seeing-daughter-12-YEARS-despite-82-court-orders-demanding-down.html

[OldHarrysGameboy]

Actually, I think it's appalling that these thousands of loving fathers have literally nowhere to go and discuss their woes, to the extent that instead they have to come to one thread on one little corner of the internet that isn't even about them in order that their tremulous fearful voice can be heard amidst the terrific clamour of women running the world and stealing all the kids.

[asmallangrycermet]

Since when has the Daily Mail been an accurate source of information?

[Coolcucumber2020]

@asmallangrycermet I just recognise so much in what you say in my own DSs experience, who still very much loves his father, who is not abusive physically or to him but rips into me emotionally at any opportunity, but tells his son he would love to see him more but can’t because... etc etc It’s awful to see this happen to a child, it is incredibly unfair on the poor kid. I’m sorry it happened to you.

@Heymacarana even though it’s the Daily Fail I don’t doubt that there are some men being unfairly denied access. However I see no evidence anywhere that this happens often enough to be a critical national issue. Even if it is awful for the individual man of course. However the number of fathers, as it is mostly fathers, who are NRP and who are flaky, manipulative, cancelling contact and paying low maintenance or none is absolutely HUGE. So I have no guilt or qualms at all about women having a forum like this thread where they at the very least can spill, get frustration out, and work out how to cope.

[asmallangrycermet]

I'm sorry its happening to your DS! Once I became aware of what was happening and stopped seeing my mum as the evil villain she was continually made out to be, it became a lot easier to deal with. I hope things get easier for you and your son!

[Coolcucumber2020]

Thanks @asmallangrycermet I think it’s less bad with me, than your awful experience. DS has pretty good faith in me on the whole, it wobbled for a good while, and then has got lots better now he has gained a bit of adult perspective.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Sadly there are huge numbers of deadbeat fathers and lets face it 9 times out of 10 it is men that see parenting as an optional extra and to hell with the effect on the children.

They use it as a means of control. The patriarchal fathers for justice type misogyny. I've seen in countless times both in my professional and personal life. The bullshit they spout to blame mothers for why they play no part in the lives of their children is laughable. You only have to look at official figures regarding unpaid child support and from single parent organisations to see its an absolute scandal.

There is no excuse. You can self represent in court. It doesnt cost. They just cant be arsed to be fathers. Society turns a blind eye as it takes very little to be classed as a good dad. Its also bullshit to say the system is biased in favour of women. If anything its the opposite. Its contact at all costs. Claims of parental alienation by nrps are for the most part just a method to continue coercive control and abuse and are thankfully now being proven as such.

My own deadbeat hasnt seen our children since last summer despite a CAO being in place for every other weekend. You cant force men to parent. Meanwhile its my life and career and finances that are disrupted with no consequences whatsoever.

Children arent daft though. They see who puts the work in. They see who is there for them. They see who actually loves them. These men reap what they sow in years to come.

[MidniteMessenger]

@Heymacarana if you can afford to go on holiday, you can afford to go to court.

[Heymacarana]

@Heymacarana if you can afford to go on holiday, you can afford to go to court.

A very good friend, who has already leant me £15k towards the court costs to date treated me to the holiday as they could see the severe impact that this situation is having on my mental and physical health.

Thanks for your valued input though. The cost of the holiday wouldn’t even touch another hearing at court. The entire holiday for both of us cost the same as about 4 hours lawyers time

[Coolcucumber2020]

@Willyoujustbequiet I think you have very well articulated everything that I see and have experienced. I am also a little tired of saying ‘I know that some Dads are denied access unfairly’, which I do say, every time I want to highlight my own issues or that of the huge numbers of mothers and children who are having to cope with deadbeat exes / fathers. And surely those dads unfairly denied access would be supportive of women who have deadbeat exes?