To move my family in with my parents

[Tentativesteps133]

I am due our 2nd DC in the summer. We currently live about 2hrs away from my parents and close friends I've known all my life (2 of whom are due to have babies in the next 6 months). We had planned to sell up and move there - DH has agreed remote working and I already WFH 4 days pw so could either keep doing that, or get a more local job after mat leave. We want to move to be closer to our support network - my parents are so helpful with our current DC and come stay with us frequently and vis versa. I am also watching my mum care for her elderly parents remotely (3hrs away) and it looks is very stressful so I have my mind on that too. Area is expensive but great schools, culture, countryside close etc.

We've sold our house and had an offer agreed on one we want to buy last week but here's the kicker - I went to work yesterday to be told my whole company are being made redundant as of end of May. Which means we now won't be able to get a mortgage on the house we want to buy. So, our options are either 1. stay where we are now (small 2 bed terrace, no family local, but small support network of friends and lovely area) then try and get a job and house near my parents at the end of mat leave or 2. sell our house and move in with my parents, save up for a year/18 months and move to probably a bigger house once I'm back at work.

AIBU to consider moving my DH & 2xDC in with my parents? There are enough bedrooms for us all and 2 X living rooms but it's not a massive massive house. My parents are totally on board with it - they are the most generous people I know and would give us the coats off their back in a storm if they though we needed it. Would we all want to throttle each other after a month? Would we get stuck there? What have I not considered? Is it a bad idea to get off the housing ladder once you've been on it? My mind is going nineteen to the dozen, help!

[Chickoletta]

Will you get a lump sum as part of your redundancy package? Could this cover rent for a bit? I don’t think that renting is always a backwards step as long as you put the equity gained from selling your house away somewhere safely and aren’t tempted to eat into it. This would be preferable to living with either my parents or ILS for me, but only you know enough about your relationship to call this.

[1forsorrow]

I did it the other way round, mother and stepfather moved in with me, DH and 2 children. It worked for a few years but it does mean you all have to be willing to compromise, have a big enough house and sort out money. My mother gave me very little/nothing but did childcare. There were times when we were short of money and it caused tension. Eventually as children approached teens it seemed the time to move on.

If I'm honest I don't think it was that good, different generations ideas on child rearing was an issue at times but I don't think a year to 18 months would be the same.

[katewhinesalot]

Don't do it. Don't spoil the lovely relationship you have with your parents at the moment.
Dh likes having them around now. If you end up moving out, will he be so keen to see them frequently when he's frustrated with them ?

[DowntonCrabby]

I’d agree with PP’s suggesting renting there and letting your current place for 18 months or buying the smaller property there and upsizing in a couple of years.

[thefemalelemur]

I wouldn't hesitate to do that if your parents and DH are happy with it, it will give you a good chance to save and you can all help each other out.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Look, you both say you want to end up in that area at some point anyway so if I were you I would just go ahead and give it a go and see how it is, and if after a month or so it's not working, then find somewhere to rent until you are in a position to get a mortgage. Like PP's say, maybe rent your house rather than sell it so that you still have a foot on the property ladder and then when things are more stable you can sell and get a mortgage.

[lyralalala]

I think it totally depends on the space, the parents and your relationship with them

Can you all be completely blunt with each other without anyone taking offence? I mean properly blunt? Because that's what it needs to work

Is there space for you to have a living room/relax room away from the main living room so that your parents can have some time on their own in the house?

Have you worked out, in detail, the finances of food/drinks and things like cooking?

Also have your parents considered how they'll feel after you leave? I lived with my Nana after my ex and I split up. Once my girls and I got our own place my Nana really struggled. She missed the buzz around the house, and she'd got used to seeing the girls every single day. It was much harder for her then than when we invaded her house.

It's not the big things that make sharing difficult (MIL now lives with us so I've done this several times). It's the niggly little things that cause problems because they eat away.

Everyone can sit down and agree that the parents parent and no-one smacks the kids and everyone tidies their own shit away. No-one thinks about how irritating it is when you like the blinds closed in the evening, but someone else prefers them open, or how suddenly annoying it is that someone else does their washing on the day you like to relax. The little things are the most important things.

[sueelleker]

*I would be completely shelving the third baby idea for now. You may find two is enough.8
Nowhere does the OP say she is contemplating a third baby-she's still carrying DC2!

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Sue she does, at some point she mentions that ideally they want a third child.

[Derbee]

Buy a smaller house, and upsize in a few years

[TheSoapyFrog]

Did your parents offer to put you up or did you ask? I would wonder that, if I'd asked, they said yes without really thinking through or felt they couldn't say no. I don't think it would be so bad if it was a couple of months or if you had no other options to you, but I think it's too big of an ask.
And I agree with a PP in querying why you think renting a property is a step backwards, but living with your parents isn't.
I was in a similar position a few years back, but it was just me and my sons when they were babies. We were all very happy when we moved out. It's really hard when you've been living alone for years to have to move in with your parents. My mum hated the mess (she likes things perfect) and I couldn't do things the way I wanted. Plus having the babies crying in the night ruined their sleep and my stepdad was exhausted for work.
If we weren't about to be made homeless, there's no way I would have imposed on them like that. You're grown ups, don't fall back on your parents if you don't have to.

[Confuddledtown]

I think if your parents and husband are on board then you should go for it.

One thing I would be wary of (from experience - we lived with my folks for a year after our tenancy ended due to landlord selling up, and we wanted to save for a deposit to buy as that was the third time it had happened to us) is moving out again. My parents got used to having the children in the house again, saw so much more of their grandchildren, loved having a full house again after pottering about a big empty home with just the two of them for years. It broke their hearts when we left (and ours and the kids) and even though we all knew it was temporary and the end was coming, it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Lots of tears all round.

[Summercamping]

We wanted to move closer to my parents, same scenario as yours. My husband and I have rented out our house, and use the rental income to pay rent on the house we live in. This has worked because the house we're renting is reasonably priced, and actually nicer than any house we can afford to buy, which is just dumb good luck and not a common story, I don't think.
Personally I couldn't live with my parents, although they are lovely, because the dynamics in my family mean we all avoid confrontation. We would find it difficult to be honest about little things that irritate us and I could imagine the tension would build.
Also, if you were to rent, your parents could babysit for you in their home and give you a proper break, not possible if you're in the same house.
So, in your situation I would rent, or buy a small house.

[FamilyOfAliens]

it will give you a good chance to save and you can all help each other out.

I’m not sure the OP will be in a position to help out the ILs - she says she would struggle to do bedtime for two children on her own when her DH is working in the office and staying with friends.

[Nanny0gg]

Best hope the friend doesn't get a girlfriend.

What happens then?

All your plans rely too heavily on other people.

[Tentativesteps133]

@Nanny0gg - he would have to find a room or b&b elsewhere. That part of the plan doesn't change irrespective of whether we buy, rent or live with parents. The Flexi working opportunity is being entered into with eyes wide open - the local job offer ended on good terms (call us if it doesn't work out with current employer) and there are many other job opportunities for him where we want to move to. So not so concerned about that.

I am now definitely leaning towards renting after reading all your comments. It will give us all breathing space and me time to have a proper mat leave with parents local but not under the same roof. I don't think the financial savings would be worth the strain on us all living together.

[NRPDad]

What does your contract say about redundancy? Are you due just a few weeks worth of pay or are you on some old generous contract offering months and months worth of pay? Might be able to declare it with regards to mortgage but confirm that you're getting a sizable redundancy package and would look for new employment starting now.

[Basecamp65]

My Daughter and SIL and Grandchildren moved in with me 'temporarily' 5 years ago when they had some financial issues and lost their house.

5 years and another grandchild later we are still living together and have a totally different lifestyle - it has totally changed all our lives.

We all saved so much money we now all work part time from home, we now home educate the children and have a real sense of having stepped away from that culture of constantly accumulating more stuff, bigger house, better car and moved to a lifestyle that embraces family and relationships. It has bought such massive benefits to all of us that we would not consider changing now.

We live in a standard 3 bed terraced house but have converted the front room to make a 4th bedroom.

The secret was to plan the space well, agree that everyone needs personal space both physically and emotionally. Also to plan housework/cooking/finances clearly so there are no misunderstandings.

Oh and most importantly acting like mature grownups - respecting each others points of view and talking about anything that is annoying us and apologising when one of us oversteps the mark. Pretty much the guidelines for making any relationship work.

I know it would not work for everyone and you do need to consider the current dynamics - i have never been a controlling/interfering type parent and my children never reverted to childhood behaviours when they came home.

It can and does work brilliantly for many people but it requires a lot of honesty and compromise beforehand and well as when doing it.

[Tentativesteps133]

@NPRDad, I've only been there 18 months so not even entitled to stat redundancy. I'm actually lucky in that if they had decided 2 weeks earlier and played it by the books they wouldn't even have had to pay me SMP. But they are giving me 12 weeks notice like the others who have been there longer. So financially I will get the same (just about) as if I hadn't been made redundant, just no job to return to at the end.

[NRPDad]

@Tentativesteps123 Fair enough, and I assume bank won't accept your maternity pay and the fact you'll look for similar employment after maternity period finishes? Are you using a broker? Have you talked to them about options?

[NRPDad]

Also YANBU imo! Just make sure it's well planned out and understood what everyone is letting themselves in for. Your parents sound great, but would they cope with seeing you all the time, working from home etc etc

[pasturesgreen]

I think your DH kipping in friends houses every week will get very old very quickly

^ This, among other things. What happens -when if friend has enough at some point? I know you said your DH will pay board, but it's an arrangement that has the potential to go wrong for any number of reasons and spoil the friendship. I'd think very carefully about it.

[Alsohuman]

The tax on rental income is increasing to 75% this year

No it isn’t. It’s at the same rate as the rest of your income over your personal allowance.

Only you know if your parents will interfere in your parenting, OP, because that’s the only real issue as long as you’re clear in advance about how it’s going to work financially and boundaries are set on personal space for your family and your parents. With two reception rooms it could work really well.

[MummySharn]

I’d go for it personally

[FamilyOfAliens]

@Basecamp65

Lovely to hear how you live your life but your situation has nothing at all in common with the temporary plans the OP is trying to put in place!