To move my family in with my parents

[Tentativesteps133]

I am due our 2nd DC in the summer. We currently live about 2hrs away from my parents and close friends I've known all my life (2 of whom are due to have babies in the next 6 months). We had planned to sell up and move there - DH has agreed remote working and I already WFH 4 days pw so could either keep doing that, or get a more local job after mat leave. We want to move to be closer to our support network - my parents are so helpful with our current DC and come stay with us frequently and vis versa. I am also watching my mum care for her elderly parents remotely (3hrs away) and it looks is very stressful so I have my mind on that too. Area is expensive but great schools, culture, countryside close etc.

We've sold our house and had an offer agreed on one we want to buy last week but here's the kicker - I went to work yesterday to be told my whole company are being made redundant as of end of May. Which means we now won't be able to get a mortgage on the house we want to buy. So, our options are either 1. stay where we are now (small 2 bed terrace, no family local, but small support network of friends and lovely area) then try and get a job and house near my parents at the end of mat leave or 2. sell our house and move in with my parents, save up for a year/18 months and move to probably a bigger house once I'm back at work.

AIBU to consider moving my DH & 2xDC in with my parents? There are enough bedrooms for us all and 2 X living rooms but it's not a massive massive house. My parents are totally on board with it - they are the most generous people I know and would give us the coats off their back in a storm if they though we needed it. Would we all want to throttle each other after a month? Would we get stuck there? What have I not considered? Is it a bad idea to get off the housing ladder once you've been on it? My mind is going nineteen to the dozen, help!

[FamilyOfAliens]

I was in your husband’s position and would not recommend.

So much unsaid in this post!

[reefedsail]

In your position I would definitely rent until a mortgage was a possibility.

I couldn't make that kind of imposition on my parents, however 'on board' they were. You've said they a generous to a fault so there is no way they are going to tell you no. They could be cringing inside at losing their space and peace for two years and you would never know. Don't do it to them.

[Hobbes8]

I moved house whilst pregnant with my 2nd and knowing I didn’t have a job to go back to. I was the main earner as well. I didn’t tell the mortgage company and sorted the mortgage out whilst I was still earning. It was risky, but I figured if I’d lost my job after I’d bought the house I wouldn’t have immediately sold it. Is that an option for you? Could you afford the mortgage payments on the new place whilst you look for something else (presuming you’d already factored in being on maternity leave)

[Keha]

No children involved but we recently moved in with my husbands parents for about 18 months. No problems at all. They have a big house so we had plenty of space and I think they enjoyed the company and sharing out cooking, cleaning etc. Or at least they never said anything to the contrary. I think it depends what your relationships are like and how much space you will have. Do discuss things like cooking, meals, financial contribution, cleaning etc before hand.

[longearedbat]

No, I wouldn't, as, apart from anything else there is one thing that resonates with me - you say your oh will stay with friends some nights due to his work.
A friend of mine moved away. I became the unwitting temporary lodging for her husband one night a week so he could get to his work in their old locality. It became a total pain. I didn't think it through. I thought, oh well, they/he are very good friends, it will be fun. Well, not after several months of it - I felt I was being used, it curtailed MY social life and it meant extra work. He also moaned about my cats. I never set up anything with rent, stupidly, and to come home late from work to find him sitting in front of my telly, eating my food, for free, really pissed me off. After 6 months I stopped him coming.
For this reason alone, it sounds unworkable in the long term.

[Nanny0gg]

I think your DH kipping in friends houses every week will get very old very quickly

[MsTSwift]

My parents are amazing. We lived with them for 10 weeks in between house sale and purchase. It was surprisingly awful. Never ever recommend

[needadvicethankyouplease]

Sell and go and live near where you want to be and if you can't get a mortgage rent for a while?

[Caspianberg]

I would move in with them but on a much shorter basis. Aiming for 6 months Max whilst you find a local house to buy. I would buy a 2 bed with potential to extend up or out later on if needed.

[FamilyOfAliens]

I would move in with them but on a much shorter basis. Aiming for 6 months Max whilst you find a local house to buy.

But the timescale is 100% dependent on finding a suitable house to buy! So if they don’t find one within 6 months, they will have to stay longer.

[MsTSwift]

What would put me totally off your plan is it involves blagging off other adults to suit yourself. Your parents and friends having to put you up. They will find it tough whatever warm words are spoken.

[Menopauseandteensdontmix100]

Personally I wouldn’t dream of doing this it’s one thing to get on well help out and get on well for a few days but it’s quite another living on top of each other 24-7 (throw in a new baby, house move, extra possessions in the home, extra housework, cooking, childcare on a permanent basis.
An older friend had her DD, son in law
and 2 young children moved in with her last year. Although she was really happy about this and them relocating it really took its toll on her mental and physical health. Unbeknown to her this also coincided with her husband falling quite ill for a long while (and needed a lot of looking after). As her DD and her DH were both teachers the lady I knew who lived in a fairly rural area was expected to take her 2 young grandchildren to and from a rural nursery and a different rural school and entertain them
before and afterwards. She ran also ran the house, cooked, shopped, did all the housework, looked after her husband and did extra babysitting to give them a night off as they both worked full time. It was difficult to see her other grown up children as she couldn’t visit them as her husband was so unwell and she didn’t have room for a social life or any down time herself or to see her other older children or other friends to come and visit. Her daughter eventually moved out but it took over a year.

[FeedMeChoc]

You will get a mortgage. Apply now with your last 3 months bank statements. They don’t re check them.

I had to do this when I was going on maternity leave. It wouldn’t affect our payments at all and was under the advice of our mortgage advisors.

[Tentativesteps133]

To answer a few questions - going through with the mortgage is not an option. We have to tick to say we are not aware of any changes in financial circumstances and whilst a short maternity leave topped up with savings and a guaranteed return to work and no change in childcare (DD will get her free hrs by the time new baby is at nursery) wouldn't be changing our circumstances, redundancy definitely has the potential to. My husband would be struck off his profession and we wouldn't get another mortgage if it ever came to light so although the chance is low, the repercussions are unacceptably high.

Re the staying with his friend - this will be the case wherever we live as he will go to the office 2 days as part of the Flexi working. The guy he has agreed it with is single, has a spare room and was looking for a lodger and he will pay board so it's not like he's going to be mooching off a young family or anything. The plan is for him to put in 2 big days whilst he's down there so he can do shorter hours at home.

[Nogoodusername]

I would only consider it if me and DH were both working out of the house. You on mat leave and him working from home? Way to crowded

[leli]

I think this sounds like a great idea so long as you and DH are up for it and so long as you do have that serious discussion, which is MINUTED and emailed to all about your arrangements.

How will you feel about having a baby with your mother around? Will she help or annoy you? Do you pay rent? Which household bills? Who does the cleaning - or could you afford a cleaner to come in 2 x per week? Do you eat together? (I would suggest only 1 x per week formally agreed), do you need a second washing machine? Or is there a laundrette nearby. Are your friends/DCs friends welcome? Are there pets in the mix? Is everyone in good health? Are there enough bathrooms?

I now have a baby grand-daughter and I would be overjoyed if the family wanted to live with us for a bit and would do literally anything to make it work. I think generations living together was always the norm and it creates strong bonds.

But if I were DH's parents I would be a bit jealous (secretly). Are they types to make trouble? Can they be invited to stay in a B&B so they feel included?

Let us know what you do!

[BarbedBloom]

Actually I had forgotten your DH staying with friends too. That is quite a lot to ask. If they say it has to stop, will you be able to manage paying for a hotel etc? I would also think carefully about that as it could be another potential problem with the plan overall.

[KatherineJaneway]

I would consider going for the new house anyway if there is a chance the redundancy doesn't come through before the mortgage paperwork is completed.

I'd do this.

[Tentativesteps133]

And actually I was thinking the 2 days away situation might make things easier - he gets a bit of breathing space each week and I have some support for those 2 days with newborn and toddler (nervous about solo bedtimes already...)

[BirdandSparrow]

Don't do it! really bad idea. Rent nearby in the meantime.

[BarbedBloom]

Ah sorry, x posted. All sounds fair then, though again I would look into other options just in case. As with moving in with your parents, sharing a place with someone, even a few days a week can make small issues into big ones

[ittooshallpass]

I wouldn't rent your house out. The tax on rental income is increasing to 75% this year. Renters won't look after your home the way you do, so your house is likely to be harder to sell later.

You could move in with DM now but instead of waiting 18 months for the perfect home, consider looking at a smaller house that has the potential for extending later.

[MsTSwift]

Your whole plan brings me out in a cold sweat.

[FamilyOfAliens]

he gets a bit of breathing space each week and I have some support for those 2 days with newborn and toddler (nervous about solo bedtimes already...)

This rings alarm bells. Do your PIL get any “breathing space” in this plan? What happens if they want friends round?

And the bedtimes could get very fraught if they see you struggling and try to intervene and you maybe take it the wrong way.

[Tentativesteps133]

This rings alarm bells. Do your PIL get any “breathing space” in this plan? What happens if they want friends round?

This is very true.