To move my family in with my parents

[Tentativesteps133]

I am due our 2nd DC in the summer. We currently live about 2hrs away from my parents and close friends I've known all my life (2 of whom are due to have babies in the next 6 months). We had planned to sell up and move there - DH has agreed remote working and I already WFH 4 days pw so could either keep doing that, or get a more local job after mat leave. We want to move to be closer to our support network - my parents are so helpful with our current DC and come stay with us frequently and vis versa. I am also watching my mum care for her elderly parents remotely (3hrs away) and it looks is very stressful so I have my mind on that too. Area is expensive but great schools, culture, countryside close etc.

We've sold our house and had an offer agreed on one we want to buy last week but here's the kicker - I went to work yesterday to be told my whole company are being made redundant as of end of May. Which means we now won't be able to get a mortgage on the house we want to buy. So, our options are either 1. stay where we are now (small 2 bed terrace, no family local, but small support network of friends and lovely area) then try and get a job and house near my parents at the end of mat leave or 2. sell our house and move in with my parents, save up for a year/18 months and move to probably a bigger house once I'm back at work.

AIBU to consider moving my DH & 2xDC in with my parents? There are enough bedrooms for us all and 2 X living rooms but it's not a massive massive house. My parents are totally on board with it - they are the most generous people I know and would give us the coats off their back in a storm if they though we needed it. Would we all want to throttle each other after a month? Would we get stuck there? What have I not considered? Is it a bad idea to get off the housing ladder once you've been on it? My mind is going nineteen to the dozen, help!

[Minxmumma]

It is doable if you and dh have a good relationship with your parents. There are always snags but you can do it.

We've done it twice. Once for 18months while we moved, found a new house and renovated it and the second time after we suffered a house fire and I was going through chemo so emergency accommodation wasn't an option really.

You need to sort out how you are going to contribute financially to the household before you start so everyone is inside and agreed.

[bornonasunday]

I’ve done it.... don’t do it unless you really need to!!
It really shines a spotlight on your family relationships - and not always in a good way!!
It seems to magnify everyone’s little quirks - aka ‘faults’ and parenting styles can never been the same due to age and generation gap.
Several scenes from my memory... having to physically stop my DDad from ringing 999 cos of ds evening grizzling at around 6 months old and then having a fierce exchange of words because DDad didn’t think toddling son should be playing ‘gardening’ as he would obviously catch some disease and die!
But - I wasn’t allowed to comment when DDad and ds came home soaking wet cos they’d BOTH fell out of a tree into the river😱 or when ds aged 5 had to be taken to A+E cos the ‘zip wire’ DDad made had cut his head open!!
Funny thing is, DDad has been gone 23 years now, and ds only has fond memories of the adventures they had!!🙄
Living together certainly has its moments, but for everyone’s sanity, I’d rent if I were you (we looked into it, but DDad always had a ‘funny turn’ and needed extra care when the subject cropped up!)

[Damntheman]

Wow I wouldn't OP.

It's something else really, moving back in with your parents after you've had independence. It's a very difficult relationship change to navigate. Admittedly it was only me when I moved back in with my parents, and it was only for about four months until I emigrated but they drove me batty. My parents are the absolute loveliest! But I didn't have my own space (apart from my room), I felt crowded and my poor dad didn't know how to treat me - adult or teenager.

I'm so sorry for the disappointment OP. I think you're better off looking for a job where you want to be while sticking in your local area and making the move when you can move to your own space. It'll be such a strain on your currently lovely relationship with your parents.

[Careersytype]

Does it have to be all or nothing?

Perhaps talk everything through, before you move in- as in, define space and parenting boundaries as well as contributions etc.

And then review every three months.


Personally, I think it sounds ok. It's a difficult time, and you'll get more help and support.
It seems there's enough room, and you'll each have your own living room.
If each family will have their own bathroom, then I'd be doubly sold
😊

[ChikiTIKI]

Could you buy a smaller house that has the potential to be extended or loft converted in the future?

[bornonasunday]

Further to my post... after DDad passed away, some more of the ‘adventures’ came to light... the falling in the river didn’t just happen the once it seems, and the close proximity to the river came in real handy when their ‘campfire’ got out of control... Ds didn’t ‘bump’ his finger... he burnt it when my DDad showed him out to burn out a wasps nest... The squirrels tail they brought me home wasn’t just ‘found’... they scraped the flat dead squirrel off the road and ‘liberated’ its tail..😬
It seems every time the pair of them brought me a “present” home from their mischief-making, it was a distraction from whatever ‘adventures’ had gone on!! A bucket of wriggling minnows,🤮 some scrumped/stolen apples, lumps of stinking sheep’s fleece, odd shaped stones, some wild flowers, etc should have rang warning bells...
But my ds’s memories are priceless - and he’s got the scars to remind him😀

[KatherineJaneway]

However lovely your parents are, you would need a very clear set of rules in place that everyone is signed up to. What might be fine in your own home, might not fly in theirs and it is often the small things that creates tensions that then build into rows.

[IndecentFeminist]

I wouldn't.

[BoredOfTheBoard]

I had a friend who did this while house hunting. Everyone got on well but I was slightly different to your situation in that there wasn't so much space and 5 of them (2adults and 3 children) lived in one room. It nearly broke her.

I would urge caution.

[Purplewithred]

@bornonasunday 😂😂😂😂 what a brilliant childhood for DS!

[Kahlua4me]

We did it a few years ago but the other way round. My mum moved in with us so she could spend time finding the right house rather than rushing and being in a chain.

It worked perfectly for all, especially our dc as they loved having her here all the time. She stayed for just over 6 months altogether and it was great. Dh and I would have been happy if she had stayed for good 😊.

[MintyMabel]

Renting is also an option but somehow feels like more of a backward step than moving home, not sure why?!

But moving in with your parents isn’t?

[Daftodil]

Go for it. If it goes pear shaped, move out and rent. Set ground rules beforehand re how much you'll pay for food & board, who will be cooking on which days, who is responsible for xyz chores, and perhaps agree that one of the living rooms is just for your parents so if they need a break they can escape to that room without being called upon to change/burp/feed/entertain your DC (whilst I'm sure they will love having their GCs with them it is knackering when it's 24/7!)

[BorneoBabe]

We've sold our house and had an offer agreed on one we want to buy last week but here's the kicker - I went to work yesterday to be told my whole company are being made redundant as of end of May. Which means we now won't be able to get a mortgage on the house we want to buy.

You're still employed. Do you have to tell the bank about the redundancy? Presumably you've already passed all the mortgage checks.

[GoBrookeYourself]

Those aren’t your only options OP- you could still do the mortgage, just don’t mention anything about the redundancy. As you’ll be doing the application very soon, you’ll have the wage slips they need so in terms of technically being able to get the mortgage you’ll be fine. We did this when buying our house as the timing couldn’t have been worse but it was our dream home. As long as you’re comfortable knowing that once you’re redundant, you’ll still have your mortgage payments on one salary (unless you’re confident you’ll get a job again quickly), the mortgage application side of it will be fine as long as you do the application before May.

[GoBrookeYourself]

Cross posted with BorneoBabe! They have made the same point but a lot less rambly lol.

[bornonasunday]

Purple
Yes, it was! The funny thing is, ds is in his mid30s now, and I’m still hearing of some of the ‘adventures’ for the first time! 😱 He often references my DDad for all he taught him and the fun they had! Very ‘Famous Five’ I think!
... I still wouldn’t recommend the living all together though!
Me and DH went to a concert at Wembley and DDad said he would put ds to bed ... we finally got home at 2am (awful weather) to find ds aged 6 sat upright and wide awake in bed while DDad was fast asleep across bottom of the bed, and had been for hours!!

[museumum]

I would just rent and keep the equity in a high interest account. I don’t in any way see how it’s more of a backward move than living with your parents. I would feel that our nuclear family would need a bit of space to establish new routines (2kids, new place, new job arrangements and new area for dh). Otherwise you’re just in limbo and unable to settle properly.

[Mamato2gorgeousboys]

It sounds like you get on well with your parents and if your DH is on board, then go for it. It sounds like your parents would love to have you around and if it’s for a temporary period, then go for it. We moved in with my grandmother when we were having work done on our house and she absolutely loved it. We speak regularly and she’s out every day and has a very active social life but she was so sad for us to leave as she kept remarking how quiet the house is and how she enjoyed coming home to people waiting for her. I know it’s different with your parents but spending time with loved ones is so important.

[Tentativesteps133]

@MintyMabel yes I know moving back obviously is, that's why I said more. I guess my thinking is where we will be in 18 months time - living with parents (even with contributing to household) would give us chance to save up more of a deposit and be able to afford a bigger/nicer house whereas renting would leave us cost neutral or slightly worse off.

Seems like the vote is close to 50:50 at this point but most of the comments urge caution!! Lots to think about and discuss over the next few days. I'm so disappointed that everything we wanted seemed to be within touching distance but we are very lucky still to have options available to us.

[dangerrabbit]

I was in your husband’s position and would not recommend.

[strawberry2017]

I was thinking that, as long as you have passed all the checks proceed with the purchase.
Don't tell the bank. Just say you need to complete ASAP due to baby.

[5zeds]

No, really don’t. You are risking what sounds like a very special family relationship for no gain. Rent a house near where you’d really like to be and sit on your deposit till you can buy your own home. New babies and group living really don’t mix.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

I would buy a small house on the area that is more affordable at the moment (considering commuting costs) as it is easy to fritter away the equity you got from the house you sold if you are short of money after the 6 months of maternity leave.

It is expensive to buy and sell house but it is sometimes more expensive to leave the money sitting in the bank. We were in our third owned house by the time we were just past 30, and it only made things easier as we never had mortgage payments that were more expensive than renting a much smaller flat.

The big issue I see on your OP though, is that you describe how it would work better for you and your side of the family but may not be paying enough attention to how this move and moving with your parents may affect your husband and eventually, your relationship. Is he in board with this?, if he is not totally happy I would try to keep things as they are as much as possible as it is stressful enough having a new baby, a toddler and no job to go back to.

[Goldenhedgehogs]

I would consider going for the new house anyway if there is a chance the redundancy doesn't come through before the mortgage paperwork is completed. Then rent a room out to bring in extra money or get weekend evening work. We have managed to pay our mortgage for the past seven years but actually zero hours contracts and being self employed etc would have meant we would not have been eligible for it, we had a short window to secure a mortgage and just went for it knowing in a month's time we would not be eligible.