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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DP to get up with the baby now and again? (bit of a rant, sorry)

42 replies

Mindles · 31/08/2007 06:59

DP left his job about a month ago, and hasn't found a new one yet. Since he is at home all the time (and doing very little to find a new job but hey ho), I don't really think I'm being unreasonable to expect him to be doing a bit more at home.

My main problem is that he won't get up with the baby, or he will get out of bed and slam around so badly that I have to get up before he breaks something. He seems incapable of getting up and sorting the baby out without coming in and out of the bedroom a dozen times with stupid requests about clothes or nappies, all delivered in a really stroppy tone of voice like everything that's wrong with the world is my fault. I wouldn't mind so much if he was willing to say, get up in the night (DS is 7.5m and recently started crawling so has been waking for a nightfeed for the last few days) but he won't do that either!

While I understand he's tired at 6.30 in the morning, does he think I'm immune from it?! I just feel like this just shows a complete lack of consideration. Then again I am tired and stroppy, so maybe I overreact, but I don't think so. So tell me, AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:48

Thank you Anna8888 - I think I needed a success story. I am going to pack him off to the shops later so will ring Relate then and present him with the appointment as a fait accompli, then he can come or not come.

And all of you who have posted, thank you so much. You have cheered me up massively.

OP posts:

buzzybee · 31/08/2007 08:54

Mindles I would reiterate the suggestion that (if you can) you try and find ways to leave him alone to look after your DS without you around. Srart with a few hours and work you way up to overnight. I did this and it was a great experience for both of us - me to learn to let go, and him to understand what responsibility for a baby really means.

Good luck!!

Original poster

Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:57

I am in fact going to the pub tonight with my other put-upon mummy friend

Although I'm not allowed out until ds has gone to bed this I can live with because due to the teething he has been difficult to get down the last couple of weeks. Last night though he went out like a light at 6 on the dot, cross your fingers for me!

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 09:03

crossing fingers and toes

Original poster

Mindles · 31/08/2007 09:06

Oh, what an excuse to get hammered!

Me: "Ahll have nother vouble dodka please barman"
Barman: "Er, no I don't think so.."
Me: "You must! Is for sake of dp and thebaby! Think of the chilren!"

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 09:07

exactly its for the greater good

Original poster

Mindles · 31/08/2007 09:08

fawkeoff I think I love you!

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 09:09

lol

EscapeFrom · 31/08/2007 10:21

ER HELLO?

ANYONE NOTICE THIS?

HE KICKED THE DOOR IN?

BECAUSE YOU SHUT YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM TO GET AWAY FROM HIM?

You do know, don't you, that this isnt normal? That he is not actually legally allowed to use violent means to gain your attention? That this is abusive behavior that will spiral?

All the more reason to get it sorted out.

What is this 'Not allowed'? How will he stop you?

all he can legally do is leave the baby with you and walk out. if he starts to batter the door down it is not a time to be getting a lie in, it is time to call the police!

Original poster

Mindles · 31/08/2007 11:12

EscapeFrom that was a looong time ago and we talked about it at the time, I think it's part of his inability to express himself emotionally, and also he has a funny thing about being locked in/out. But anyway, bugger trying to excuse him. I said to him at the time, I cannot live with someone who will do that, or throw things around, because it scares the shit out of me, so stop or I leave. He did stop and he hasn't done anything similar since, but it wouldn't be a good idea to go bolting the bedroom door.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mindles · 31/08/2007 11:17

Ah not allowed, perhaps bad choice of words on my part? Although they were his originally. This is related to the fact that the baby has been having dreadful teething problems and crying for an hour or more after bedtime. He's very difficult to soothe when he's in that sort of mood (this is ds, btw, not dp) so I am quite willing to stay home until the baby's asleep to make things easier for everyone.

Also, is kicking the door in still bordering on abusive behaviour when you consider we were having a screaming row? This was maybe a year and a half ago, I am not perfect myself and can be really bad tempered sometimes. So does that still stand? I mean I could understand if I hadn't been doing anything but it was sort of provoked iyswim.

OP posts:

EscapeFrom · 31/08/2007 11:27

Kicking the door in temper, out of frustration, is just about considerable as part of a screaming row .. kicking the door DOWN, to get to YOU, is abusive. You shut the door for a reason (to get away from him) and you were entitled to do that.

You've said yourself that it "wouldn't be a good idea" - is it possible you could be avoiding confrontations that will trigger more violent behavior from him? Because if this is what is happening, he can do anything he pleases, really.

I know you are thinking "But he would never do anything bad" - but I bet this time two years ago you would never have believed he could treat you with the unfairness and disrespect he is treating you with now. People change, and unfortunately things like this escalate unless they are stopped, firmly.

were you pregnant when it last happened?

fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 11:27

mindles dont fret too much about past situations, but i will say this

about you settling ds because he's teething and can be a pain to settle, there are going to be times that u cant be there to do this so its only fair that dp starts to learn to comfort ds. f you just do all the settling how is ds and dp going to react when you're not there????

fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 11:29

Mindles already gave dp the ultimatum after the row and he has stuck to it, so i dont really see the point in bringing up abuse to her

hanaflower · 31/08/2007 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EscapeFrom · 31/08/2007 11:48

He has stuck to it because she has gone out of her way not to trigger him. She is doing all the work with the baby, and she isn't happy about this. She can't even stay in her room for a lie in because she is concerned he will kick the door down.

Note, please, that I am not screaming "Leavehimleavehimleavehim!" but that it's not good moaning, moaning isn't going to give him a reason to change. She needs to really put her foot down!

krang · 31/08/2007 14:01

Um. He is a twat. Do not allow this twat to laze around. Do not allow him to treat you like a slave. Tell him to get his lazy twatting arse into gear. If my DH behaved like this, I'd get up one morning, announce I was going off for the weekend, place the screaming baby on his lazy twat belly and disappear for two days. Seriously. Stop this behaviour or before you know it you will be 40 and knackered and he will still have the mental age of a 13-year-old.

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