To expect a 15mth old to 'show' remorse?

[Foxey]

My dd is going through a hiting and occassional biting phase. DD is a lovely little girl and seems to have a big personality that I love however for the last few weeks she has started hitting out regularly. At one point she would bite me I would firmly say 'No, don't bite' and she would hit me!! Her 5 year old cousin who is a lovely boy without an aggressive streak)is getting the brunt of this at weekends and went home the other week with weals down his face!. Saying No doesnt seem to be enough so I am trying to get dd to start to say 'sorry' and kiss better. Is she too young for this type of lesson? If so what else can I do I want to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Try to firmly say 'Hitting hurts!' to dd straight after the event. Then give full attention to hurt child.
Both of mine went through this for a short time.
Remorse will come naturally but much later.
First dc will need to lear what is right or wrong.
As far as I can remember remorse (not 'saying' sorry, that can be learned earlier) can be seen at around 4-5 sometimes a bit earlier, maybe?

She is a baby and probably doesn't have the language skills to show remorse.

Also children of that age do not have the concept of other people's feelings. They don't even a have a sense of self at that age.

You need to remember the level of her development. For example if you put her in front of a large mirror she would probably think its another baby. I assume she hasn't even got the concept of what a toilet is yet alone a concept of remorse.

Wait until she is at least three years old.

I agree 100% with Wichandchips, Aloha and ReallyTired.
Added to the frustration and lack of empathy 9as a developmental stage) the fuss, commotion and reaction to biting etc is very attractive to a young child - which is why Aloha's suggested strategy will work.

Children of that age are quite simpley developmentally unable to understand feelings from another person's point of view.

I've read that children don't really get any idea of how their actions affect other people until they're about 3. Certainly this was true for my DS. I think getting them to say sorry is futile, and actually gives the biter too much attention for the biting. Much better to remove her from the situation and do the ignoring strategy combined with a firm but fair "no". Those around you will still see that you're dealing with the situation.

My DS used to bite, he bit a friend I have over once, very embarressing! But I later realised it was because it was he was teething and it's all stopped now as the teeth have come through.

I think she is too young to show remorse.

I would suggest showing/telling her what to do instead, when she hits, say no it hurts mummy or whoever. You have to be gentle, then stroke her arm or face to show her what gentle means.

You can practise gentle and hard on a cushion or something to show her the difference between gentle and hard.

I think she is far too young, I'd go for consequence of action to stop the action

eg "no biting/hiting, biting/hiting hurts and then remove them to sit somewhere for a minute

However if this then rewards them with your undivided attention (depends on child's personality whether it would backfire) then I would try the tack of completely ignoring biter/hiter and lavishing lots & lots of attention on the hit/bit one.

i do think at this age your LO would cotton on that when I hit/bite x happens and I don't like x so I will stop doing biting/hitting

YABU She is far too young to know she is hurting and to show remorse. She woul dhave got a reaction the first time she did it and that is why she is carrying on.

My son sometimes shows no remorse for doing something he KNOWS is throughly naughty at 5 years old! (He feels no remorse for punching a kid in the stomach who called him spastic for wearing hearing aids!)

Full grown adults don't always show remorse when they damm well should.

Guilt is a complex emotion. 15 month old children are complex creatures. They are still learning right from wrong.

If she can say sorry then its never too young (imho) to get them used to apologising. The problem lies in understanding. Does dd look sheepish when she knows she has done wrong? My dd is older at 19mths but will do something naughty and then say 'naughty' so she obviously understands that she isn't meant to do it. She also recently said ' m (childs name) body push my' and then 'hurt' so also understands how actions can hurt. Therefore I do make her say sorry, hug better, kiss etc. If its aggressive behaviour as part of a tantrum I sit her out of the way on her own and allow her back when she calms down. This seems to work.

I think you're right to get her to say sorry but don't assume that she is capable of showing remorse.
Remorse is a learnt response to unacceptable behaviour. First of all she has to learn that it's unacceptable bahaviour. I'd suggest as well as getting her to say sorry you point out what has happened as a result of her behaviour as in 'look, your five year old cousin is sad now, e's crying'.

It needs to be managed by you as noone will expect a child that young to understand (but onlookers are appalled/happy depending on how the parent responds).

She will learn, and not just by being told once. It will take her a while to get it, but she will get there. Sounds like you've got it under control to me!

HTH.

my 18 month old is going through a biting phase and it is hard but he absolutely doesn't understand remorse. At the time he does it, he is usually very frustrated and can't think of anything but what he wants. As very wise primary school teacher told me that if its frustration causing it, you really can't stop them (though obviously you should try for the sake of the other children!) and it will stop as they learn to communicate better.

Preventation is better than cure - try to keep an eagle eye on them and you can spot (with my DS at least) when he's beginning to get in a bitey mood. Usually triggered by other simialr age children playing with something he wants.

DS has just gone through a phase of this. Every time he hit/bit me I would say firmly: "No, that hurts Mummy", put him down and walk away and do something else. So he now knows that hitting/biting will not get him any attention.

We have been teaching him 'Be gentle with...' since he was very young as we have two cats, and that works well. He knows that if he strokes me and is 'gentle with Mummy' or his friends he will get lots of attention and praise, which he loves!

Krang is right about the cats, having animals seems to help them learn to be gentle!!!

when my son was that age whenever i saw him approaching the cat, the dog or another child i would remind him 'gently'.

Obviously you have to make sure they understand what gentle means before it works. We used a cushion, we would smack the cushion and say hard and then stroke it and be gentle.

I think telling a child what they should be doing, as well as telling them they shouldnt be doing it helps. Thats how they learn to replace bad behaviour with a good behaviour.

Thanks everyone its great to know we are not alone although I am a bit in two minds still which way to play this. It is also a relief to know that dd is not overly aggressive - phew! DD does know the word 'gently' and it goes with a nice aaahhh noise. dd does not yet say sorry but it is a new word to her and she says others so I dont think it will take her long. dd's nanny has a cat and she tried to kick her yesterday, dd is yet to get a response from the cat.

Reallytired- sorry to hear that. But wasn't there just a hint of pleasure in this?...Or am I Mrs

Reallytired - i think i would have said harder, not gently!!!!!!!!