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Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

337 replies

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 21:50

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

899 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
thistimelastweek · 06/12/2019 21:58

Where are they now and where will they go if not to you? X

Rosieposy4 · 06/12/2019 21:58

No you can’t, plus you will regret it later. Prep your kids carefully, tell them your parents are unwell, describe the noises they might make, allow your dc to take time out from the room, but please be kind to your elderly and clearly unwell parents ( unless massive untold backstory of unkindness to you in earlier times ).

hollyberried · 06/12/2019 21:59

You could, but maybe you could use the opportunity to learn some compassion.

thistimelastweek · 06/12/2019 22:00

Sorry about the kiss, forgot myself

Busybeebeebee · 06/12/2019 22:00

I say this as someone who works in elderly care sector, if they have dementia they likely won’t remember the specifics of the plan anyway. So compromise and maybe have them over another time but don’t feel bad for changing the plan for Christmas Day.

Pancakeflipper · 06/12/2019 22:01

How long at they your home? Is it days or just on the day for a meal?
I think if logistics allowed I'd have them for the meal in the day and returned home in the evening so I could relax - - decant the wine bottle into my mouth--

Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/12/2019 22:01

How far away do they live? How often do your dc see them?

Surely your dc are aware that their grandparents are unwell and that exceptions need to be made and understanding shown?

Can they just join you for Christmas dinner so that they see their family but aren’t with you for the full day.

rumandbiscuits · 06/12/2019 22:02

Will they know it's Christmas Day? If they won't then I'd say it's fine to cancel. If they do know it's Christmas Day what would they do instead?

ineedaholidaynow · 06/12/2019 22:02

Would they cope coming to yours? Is it possible to visit them earlier in the day?

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 22:04

Sometimes changes of routine and place are hard for people with dementia. Are they in a home now?

Singlenotsingle · 06/12/2019 22:05

No point ruining everyone's Christmas, when the dp won't enjoy it and probably won't even remember afterwards. Try to make sure they're fed - do Meals on Wheels go out on Christmas Day?

IdiotInDisguise · 06/12/2019 22:05

Where are they now is the question. When it came to very elderly relatives, mine moaned more for not being at their usual place than anything else.

With time we realised they were happier with us visiting them for a short time rather than hauling them away from their routines and familiar environment.

Another aspect to consider is that dementia doesn’t make it easier on the date, with many of them feeling worse and more unsettled in the afternoon/evening.

Hohofortherobbers · 06/12/2019 22:06

Oh my. And it's tidings of comfort and joy.... Pull yourself together, it's your parents, you'll be there one day, hope your kids have been brought up with an ounce more empathy

DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRomain · 06/12/2019 22:08

Jesus Christ this post is horrible. Where is tour empathy OP?

OctoberLovers · 06/12/2019 22:09

And who normally looks after them?

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:10

They're due to stay for 9 days.

We are driving them to and from home, where they still live and have recently refused carers for the 100th time.

DF is an alcoholic so evenings are eventful anyway.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 06/12/2019 22:10

Telling them not to come? The people you describe wouldn’t be capable of getting to your home on their own? So are they really as far gone as you say?

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 22:10

They usually live independently?

SomeoneBurntTheToastAgain · 06/12/2019 22:13

Is this for real? What a nasty post. You can't look after your elderly parents and let them sit at the same table as you for one freaking day?

Your kids are 18, 16 and 10... and you're frightened that they'll get upset? At those ages? Were they raised wrapped up in cotton wool? Or do they have severe learning disabilities?

Maybe your kids will treat you the same way one day, who knows?

IdiotInDisguise · 06/12/2019 22:15

Have you asked them, recently, if they want to come? You can just say something as simple as, would you like to come for 4 days or would you prefer us to visit you over the weekend?

9 days is too much, for them and you, even if the didn’t have dementia.

OctoberLovers · 06/12/2019 22:16

They have refused care...

Clearly they are unable to make that decision themselves and someone has to intervene

PrimalLass · 06/12/2019 22:16

9 days is a long time. Can you shorten it?

OctoberLovers · 06/12/2019 22:16

This is really not on.

Both nobility problems and both dementia

They need help and care now

justasking111 · 06/12/2019 22:17

I would make arrangements to visit them organise a meal at their house and enjoy it. Being away from home may well be distressing for them. I suspect this may be their last christmas at home.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/12/2019 22:17

9 days is a long time and for someone with dementia, it could well cause their behaviour to become more difficult for you and your family to cope with.
Could you make their visit shorter?
It sounds as if they may need some support. Have your dp got the capacity to make decisions for things like his care for themselves?

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