AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

[Bellaxx8]

Obviously if it were a life or death situation for me or the baby then no, I probably wouldn't care who was assisting

Seriously .... you probably wouldn’t care. Your baby could be in danger and your going to worry if it’s a male or female saving what could his/her life & yours?! Ridiculous.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

It is totally acceptable for both men and women to request they only receive intimate care from HCPs of the same sex, and this is quite normal.

There are plenty of men, especially elderly men, who wouldn't want a female urologist, and when
you lea on the OP to demonstrate how 'progressive' you are, you leap on them, too.

Would you tell an 85 year old woman in a nursing home that she was being sexist if she didn't want a male carer giving her a bedbath, too?

[Waterandlemonjuice]

YANBU

[Whichoneofyoudidthat]

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You don’t need to explain why you don’t want a male present when you’re in such a vulnerable state.

[LimpLettice]

I don't think YAB remotely U, OP. It's absolutely acceptable to prefer a female for a very intimate experience and I do think trauma situations are different of course. Labour is a highly charged situation and you need to feel comfortable and in control as best you can.

FWIW, I was left in a triage ward due to lack of rooms on the delivery suite last year. The ward was full of men and visitors with flimsy curtains in between, and my labour didn't progress at all for 14 hours of agonising contractions. I was surprised as my first labour was over from first twinge to birth in 6 hours, and that was with 2.5 hours of pushing.

Eventually I cracked and broke down and they magically found me a room, with a female midwife, and guess what, fully dilated in 1:5 hours from about 3cm. My body just could not relax enough to do what it required without privacy and dignity. If that's what a women needs for a positive birth, what's the problem?

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

Bellaxx8 - it's not something I thought about as like I said, all doctors at this particular hospital are female. So irrelevant hence why it's not something I have even thought about.

[JacquesHammer]

There is nothing remotely unacceptable or sexist about people of either sex requesting a same sex HCP for intimate care.

[TerribleCustomerCervix]

YANBU.

I don’t mind having a male hcp in any other area- I’ve had male doctors do my smear for example.

But labour and birth for me is something that I only want a woman mw supporting me through. Even DH was annoying me with his maleness.

The anaesthetist was a man, but when they asked (mid contraction) if a male medical student could watch the birth I was adamant that I only wanted women there while I was labouring.

[viques]

I was sort of sympathetic in a shoulder shrugging way until I got to the male GP and dentist issue.

You feel uncomfortable with a male dentist ? Is there more to your back story than you have said?

[Interestedwoman]

YANBU. No-one will think you're a sexist pig. It's a very intimate moment.

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

Thank you all for the suggestions and comments. I'm glad I'm not the only person who does feel this way as was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.

[Dinosauratemydaffodils]

I'd refuse a male midwife. I declined the offer of phoning the oncall female consultant in with dc1 and ended up almost putting my foot through the male OB's throat when he triggered a previous trauma (which led a psychotic break, me losing the first six months of dc1's life and ongoing imput from the mental health team almost 5 years later).

Dc2 was delivered by a room full of women and it was a totally different experience.

I don’t think we should be able to specify the sex of a HCP.

Then I can't access healthcare. It is that black and white. I've had over 18 months of psychotherapy, it's made zero difference.

[Yarboosucks]

Well in reading this thread, at least you are not alone in being very unreasonable. Pity any man who aspires to be a midwife!

[Tableclothing]

Obviously if it were a life or death situation for me or the baby then no, I probably wouldn't care who was assisting

Seriously .... you probably wouldn’t care. Your baby could be in danger and your going to worry if it’s a male or female saving what could his/her life & yours?! Ridiculous.

I don't want to put words in other people's mouths, but I think that could be a situation where a patient tolerates a deeply uncomfortable situation because they feel they have no other choice. That's a theme that comes up a lot on threads about birth trauma, and a situation that should be avoided if possible.

[churchandstate]

easyandy101

Unfortunately, given that the NHS is a publicly funded organisation that has to adhere to equality laws, including protecting its staff from unreasonable service user prejudice, yes. We wouldn’t accept someone asking for a white midwife, or a straight midwife. We wouldn’t accept someone asking for a midwife without a particular disability. We should make allowances in the case of a response to trauma, but for me, otherwise, you get what you’re given and as long as that person is professional, I don’t think it’s reasonable to specify their sex. Sorry.

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

No 08viques .... I do not feel comfortable with a male dentist or gp either.

[Derbee]

Agree with PPs. When you said you have a problem with male dentists, YABU. You can’t hide behind the “intimate experience” excuse like you can with doctors and midwives.

You’re sexist. And you don’t want to admit it.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

YANBU. Not wanting a male midwife is in the same category as not wanting a male HCP to do your smear test. It's a perfectly reasonable request.

Some men want a male doctor for prostate exams and it's the same thing. Another perfectly reasonable request.

[StealthPolarBear]

Black women are women, as are white women

[Molly2010]

I came on to say that my DD experienced breathing difficulties after delivery and they called for help. A man entered the room with tattoos all over, large stretching piercings and heavy make up.
I’m embarrassed now to say my instant assumption was that he must be a porter. No, he was the Person who saved my DD’s life.
I was still completely exposed on the bed and it never crossed my mind.
For this reason I think YABU.

[Areyoufree]

It is totally acceptable for both men and women to request they only receive intimate care from HCPs of the same sex, and this is quite normal.

There are plenty of men, especially elderly men, who wouldn't want a female urologist, and when you leap on the OP to demonstrate how 'progressive' you are, you leap on them, too.

Would you tell an 85 year old woman in a nursing home that she was being sexist if she didn't want a male carer giving her a bedbath, too?

Agree with this. Plus, ever since being assaulted by a male doctor during a smear test, I am far more comfortable with female doctors. YANBU.

[Izzy24]

YANBU at all.

The uncomfortable feeling about an unrelated and unknown male being in the in the proximity of a woman giving birth is surely not surprising?

Just think about how much privacy is important for the birth process.

OP says she doesn’t understand why she feels this way - I think it is very likely an atavistic response which is not on a conscious level.

But if that process is disrupted by an emergency the situation is completely different and I don’t think anyone (including the OP) would have any qualms about the sex of the emergency personnel.

Re medical students stitching your undercarriage- no they don’t! Male or female.

[easyandy101]

So are the police but you don't get searched but someone of the opposite sex because it could be intrusive

There's a massive difference between requesting a white doctor and requesting a doctor of the same sex. That is not a comparable distinction

[Librocubicularist]

I understand how you feel. But YABU. I think you have to accept that you may end up with a male midwife. I agree with Cheeseandwin5.

During labour, my DD put her arm out and got stuck. So I went from the planned natural birth in the birthing centre to assisted delivery in theatre, with what felt like half the hospital staff present and my legs in stirrups, and eventually an emergency c-section.

[Dinosauratemydaffodils]

We should make allowances in the case of a response to trauma, but for me, otherwise, you get what you’re given and as long as that person is professional, I don’t think it’s reasonable to specify their sex. Sorry.

But no one should have to name their trauma to explain themselves to a bunch of strangers. I find talking about it in person really hard to deal with and "luckily" for me, it's all over my medical notes so I don't have to.