Is SIL so desperate to upsize she's unintentionally conning MIL out of money - venting but very worried too

[being40]

My MIL has just come back from a holiday with her daughter (SIL).
My FIL passed away in December 2018.
MIL is still very much grieving. She has been with FIL 54 years. He was ill and she nursed him at home.
MIL lives 3 hours drive from us and 1.5 hours from SIL how we until FIL got sick it was DH and myself and our DC who spent every holiday with them. SIL not estranged from MIl just didn't see her as much.
That's the background.
MIL is staying at ours and told us that she was thinking of selling up her flat and helping SIL buy a 'much bigger house' and moving in with them.
It turns out plan was mentioned by SIL on holiday as MIL is feeling really bored and very lonely and unhappy (understandable).
But the plan is way more advanced and SIL put her house up for sale as soon as they got back and has just had an offer. MIL says sale could take months (when DH and I said she might need to think about it).
We are very concerned that SIL didn't even call DH to mention plans. They used to be close but since SIL married her DH she 'ghosted' both DH and I.
Oh and MIL has told us she wants to pay for us to have an extension so she can move in with us the rest of the time she is not at SIL.
Other warning signs to me: SIL selling propert for £650k and buying a £1.7m one. They are in late 40s so her DH is taking in a huge mortgage and they want to turn garden of property they have found and put a offer on (already) into glamping site.
Not much I can do but same thing happened in my family and didn't end well.
Just venting really and wanting to be supporting of grieving MIL.

[Oodlesandpoodles]

No, you don’t HAVE to have an extension so MIL can move in with you.

I’d also get your DH to call his sister and ask her what she’s playing at.

[DingDongDenny]

Sounds very much like MIL could be funding SILs move but MIL is moving in with you. I'd want to know how she plans to split her time.

[BeanBag7]

So MIL is selling her house and helping to fund a bigger house for her daughter, so she can live with them. I dont think theres anything wrong with that, it's not unusual. Is MIL in control of her faculties and knows what she is signing up for, or do you think shes being taken advantage of?

Whether BIL wants to take on a big mortgage is really none of your business.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Look, I'd be concerned too. Can you take MIL out for lunch or something and advise her to see a financial advisor without sil?

If she's expecting to live partly with you and partly with SIL, that's a LOT to take on for you.

Also, I assume that when MIL dies, the entirety of MIL's estate will go to her? It will all be in her home...

But it's up to MIL isn't it? Unless you think she's not capable of such choices....

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Can I ask why you think this is unintentional? It sounds to me like SIL and her husband have plans that involve having most of your MILs money and not much of her care.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Sounds very much like MIL could be funding SILs move but MIL is moving in with you. I'd want to know how she plans to split her time.

This.

I'd take MIL to a solicitor to discuss the whole thing...or a financial advisor. Just as a way of getting it all clear in her head.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

She needs to see a solicitor asap. There was a thread on here recently from a daughter who wanted to do this for her mum, there were a lot of things she hadn't considered including inheritance, and property having to be sold for end of life care etc

[PickwickThePlockingDodo]

Well if she's living half the time with you, then you should get half the money surely?
Think SIL is being a bit grabby with her DM.

[Cohle]

I would be wary of it coming across as though you are money grabbing and just annoyed that SIL is getting money that you aren't. This does has the potential to be a mutually beneficial arrangement for SIL and MIL.

However like you I would be concerned about the speed with which it was unfolding and that MIL doesn't appear to have received any legal / financial advice about the ownership of SIL's new property etc. There are significant implications for inherence tax and end of life care too.

[MzHz]

All you can do is tell her about your family and how that turned out, and that she needs to have independent legal and financial advice to make sure she’s safe

Your h needs to get involved here and make sure his Mum fully understands the risks and pitfalls

Also what the real expectations are of her living with you too... that’s crazy! At what point was someone going to actually ask you both??

[MzHz]

Don’t think the conning is overly unintentional either... your SIL is bamboozling your mil and if it were all above board there would have been some family conversation about it

This situation is going to blow up big time

[Soontobe60]

What your SIL intends to do is to as simple as MIL handing over a huge amount of cash. When SIL applies for a mortgage the affordability check will look at where the deposit is coming from. MIL will have to sign a declaration that the money she is giving them is a gift and that she has no claim on any of the property. SIL will have to pay tax on the money MIL gives her too!
MIL will be in a very vulnerable position if she needs care, especially if that happens sooner rather than later. Also, if SIL so chooses, she could throw MIL out in her ear. If SIL divorces, unless they draw up some sort of legal document, BIL could end up with half the equity in the house, including half of MILs money.
I would make sure that your DH takes MIL and SIL to a solicitor who is experienced in this area to get a full picture of the pros and cons of doing what she's planning, for all concerned.

[Wexone]

We also lost our FIL last year too, we were told not to make any big changes in any of our lives including MIL for at least a year as we are still grieving and are not in the right frame of mind to do anything. Tell DH to put a stop to this and have a discussion with SIL. Your MIL might like to live onher own once she comes through the cloud of grief . Also would be no harm in bringing a solicitor on board as a neautral ground person

[littlepaddypaws]

time will get split between you and sil, then a few months down the line more time be spent with you and before you know it mil has moved in and you and dh [possibly] will be her carers at a later while sil and her dh pat themselves on the back and look at their wealth and no caring ties, i looked into my crystal ball.....

[verticality]

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think you need to make a list of all the practical objections people are making here and raise them with MIL in the hope of getting her to pause about this.

You also need to have a conversation - perhaps a difficult one - about her care as she gets older. Point out that if she has equity, she has more options and decisions.

[Witchinaditch]

Sounds like you’re concerned about potential inheritance, it’s up to your MIL what she does with her money, but I assume your MIL will live there for the rest of her life leaving the care of an elderly parent to your SIL which is a big undertaking, if it is mutually beneficial to both then I see no problem your SIL has help in buying a bigger place and your MIL has company and a potential career when and if she needs it.

[MatildaTheCat]

Since these plans seem to involve you and DH you have to arrange a family conference to discuss. Utterly absurd to just mention that you must build an extension and have her partially living with you without even having discussions.

DH needs to call his sister and tell her very bluntly how concerned he is and that they must talk face to face.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Is SIL prepared to sell her home to release funds if it turns out that her DM needs round the clock care?

[Genevieva]

I think the obvious answer is that MiL needs independent legal advice both on estate management and on ensuring that her assets remain accessible during her lifetime, would she need them to fund her own care, for example. A solicitor would be able to explain the advantages and disadvantages of different options. At the end of it all, she might think that a nice flat a short drive from your house would be a better idea.

[littlepaddypaws]

witch sadly too many people are only to happy to dump frail or elderly relatives on others or in nursing homes. i've worked in that setting. i think that's why the time is to split with sil and op then the onus will get pushed over to op and her dh

[Drogosnextwife]

If I made a plan with my own mother, I wouldn't expect to run it past my dB and his wife as it would be none of their bissiness.

[angelopal]

Is she is investing money into SIL move with the intention of living there then surely it would be her permanent residence. Why would she need to stay with you? How much time is she planning with you if she wants you to build ban extension to accommodate her?

[verticality]

Woah, hang on, the phrase "dumping people in homes" is really judgemental. There are lots of cases where care can only really be provided in that setting. And plenty where the family involved are very loving and caring.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It definitely sounds like your sil is trying to con your mil out of her money and potentially your inheritance. Bet once the deal is done, your mil will be living with you.

[Ellie56]

The general advice to anyone who has suffered a bereavement is not to make any major decisions in the first 12 months. This is all going far too fast. Your MIL may feel quite differently about things in a year or so's time. For the moment all she needs to do is concentrate on grieving. Other things (and SIL) can wait.