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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be peed of with my sister ?

46 replies

elfsmum · 09/08/2007 12:47

she is looking after my 2 DS's so that DH and I can go to work during the summer hols, saving us a fortune in child care.

when dropping off DS's today, my nephew 4yrs said that my DS2 5yrs had used the naughty finger, it took me a couple of seconds to realise he meant the middle finger

I really told DS2 off, when he wouldn't tell me what he'd done I pushed all his buttons, show me your tongue, I'll tell the police and he got upset and said he coulnd't remember and I really do believe him.

my DS1 7 really interested in what the naughty finger is and nephew proceeds to tell him, I shouted at him not to (but I know he will later as kids do)

my sister questions her DS to discover that as I'd shouted bye my DS2 had lifted his hand to wave to me and nephew thought he'd done the naughty finger.

what is peeing me off is that we don't use that sort of gesturing (not even two fingers) and I'm appalled that my 2 have now learnt this, especially from family. I think it's utterly grotesque and scummy.

my sister has shrugged it off, thinks I'm niave to think they didn't already know (I KNOW they didn't)

I'm festering over this now.

OP posts:

lemonaid · 09/08/2007 13:26

I do tend to agree with hunker -- I don't see how telling a child a whole string of lies is going to make him more likely to tell the truth .

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 13:26

Talking to your children like they're human beings. They're capable of a lot more than this "give a dog a bone" method of parenting.

I'm sorry, Elfsmum, I've been harsh

How about reading this book

Also their Sibling Rivalry one's good. Lots about fostering mutual respect.

Original poster

elfsmum · 09/08/2007 13:28

I am genuinely interested hunkermunker what are the alternatives ?

my situation is that I don't have any older family to refer to (Mum and MIL are both dead, not close to aunts etc)

my benchmark are books I read and programmes I watch.

the naughty step seems to feature highly, (we don't use it for lying we use it for naughty behaviour)

I don't want violence in my home so I don't hit my children, I don't want to use emotional blackmail either.

believe me I want my children to grow up into well adjusted, happy, confident young men that will contribute positively to society.

I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want them to grow and have a well balance relationship with us as their parents.

so honestly how do you get there ?

what do you do ?

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 13:28

Yes, very important with boys (especially, imo) not to force them into a corner where they'll lose face if they have to "admit" something.

Losing face v important factor to consider.

You'd already told DS2 off massively - he was telling the truth. I'm sure you've apologised to him for that though.

lemonaid · 09/08/2007 13:30

On lying, I think the best bet is establishing (which takes time) that doing something wrong and then lying about it is far, far worse in terms of consequences than just doing the thing wrong in the first place, and that if you catch them lying you will be desperately disappointed in them. Along with a lot of positive reinforcement if they do tell the truth about something that must have taken courage for them to be honest about (e.g. if they break something but are up front about it, be a little bit cross about the breaking but lavish on the praise for having been honest about it right away).

Original poster

elfsmum · 09/08/2007 13:30

thanks hunker,

I have that book, just on chapter 1

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 13:31

What do I do?

Navel-gaze

I've been thinking a lot about things just like this recently, having read both books I've just recommended.

Give them a go first. Much emphasis on non-judgemental parenting and your children being able to talk about how they're feeling, but also about them setting their own boundaries - children are capable of a lot more than we (and programmes like Supernanny) give them credit for.

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 13:32

Glad you've got it.

Go read it

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 13:32

And sorry I was a bit harsh to start with!

Original poster

elfsmum · 09/08/2007 13:34

I did apologise to him and sat him on my knee to cuddle him - on another note my sister said what are you doing that for, because he was told off for something he didn't so - her reply so?

we do have different parenting styles - she's very like my mum was, don't apologise to a child, even if your wrong etc but that's a whole other thread

I did say to him, tell me what happened I promise mummy won't be angry if you tell the truth

and I do also do that with my boys, and even if I am angry I don't show it I thank them for telling me the truth

feel like a really bad mum now

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 09/08/2007 13:39

elfsmum FWIW if your mum and your sister both parent the way you describe (never apologise to a child? ) I think you are doing well to try and break the mould as it were.

It's hard for you if your sister is 'in charge' and you don't agree with her style, but it's not for long and you will still be the major influence on your dcs.

It's a good book btw, my dd is only 3 but I am finding it useful - I had got into some bad habits when speaking to her.

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 13:43

You're NOT a bad mum - honestly. If you were, you wouldn't be feeling bad, if that makes sense?

alicet · 09/08/2007 13:51

You're not a bad mum! Just trying to do the best by your boys. Which makes you a great mum in my book. This is a really tricky issue - I will definately be buying these books before my ds is much older (and ds2 is born!)

lemonaid · 09/08/2007 14:00

Actually, sounds to me as though you just need more confidence in your own natural parenting style (talking to your children sensibly, being upfront with them when you've done something wrong, modelling appropriate behaviour for them) so that you can rely less on the gimmicky stuff like tongues and calling the police and talking to his teacher. They sound like more the kind of thing your sister would do.

Original poster

elfsmum · 09/08/2007 14:09

honestly trying very hard not to cry in work atm very

you know when you try really hard to do what you think is best but it all seems wrong ?

I am trying to break the mould of parenting that was set when I was a child. It was very don't give cheek to your elders, even as an adult not allowed to have an opinion, well maybe that's a bit strong, but my mum would still say to me in my 20's "who do you think you're talking to ?"

There was a lot of emotional blackmail, and I was very needy and trying to please, had some counselling once, and realised I was entitled to my opinion and should be valued as a person - yet another thread all on it's own there !

my sister thinks I'm a bit mad for reading parenting books - don't have the sibling rivalry one but will pick it up

I seem to have different issues to deal with having 2 DS with only 23 months between them, than those with either bigger age gaps, only one child or opposite genders.

OP posts:

macmama73 · 09/08/2007 14:25

You are absolutely not a bad mum!

If you were, would you have been so honest here, and asked for advice? You obviously love your kids and want the best for them.

You didn't go off on a strop when you were critisised, you asked what response would have been better.

It is not easy to change the habits of a lifetime, but you are trying to bring up your children in a completely different manner to your own upbringing.

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 14:29

EM, I have two DSs, 21m apart and know what you mean re different issues.

Please don't cry, sweetheart. I was harsh, I'm sorry. It's really hard to confront issues from your own childhood when faced with tricky situations. It churns you up inside.

I am sure the books will help you. The sibling one might help you with your relationship with you sister - possibly. It'll help you understand it, even if you don't alter it.

doggiesayswoof · 09/08/2007 14:31

Your mum sounds like mine elfsmum...

I think that's all about insecurity - desperate need to exert control somehow, only you don't have that much confidence in yourself so it has to be done by intimidation etc. That's my mum, anyway.

You are doing the right thing - keep at it and chin up - your boys are lucky to have you

Original poster

elfsmum · 09/08/2007 14:51

thank you all

my family whilst not being the most dysfunctional certainly wasn't the Waltons, but I try to put that down to the era, being working class, not knowing any better etc

My eldest sister (not the one I mentioned earlier) had the most bizzare relationship with my mum and would go for years without speaking to her, even now she will call her "your mother" when speaking to me about her

don't get me wrong I have no doubt in my mind that my mother loved me very much (never said the words) but I know she did, she encouraged me to do well in all I did, and being the youngest sheltered me from a lot of DV that went on.

I have no doubt that she did the absolute best that she could with us all, and I really respect the strength that she had, but she was not a very emotive woman, and the emotional blackmail was awful, she never hit me or my siblings, but the absolute horror that I would disappoint her I'm convinced was what helped to form my character.

I always felt I had to please, and I'm still like that as an adult.

I'm trying to raise my boys so that they feel they should do their best, but not that they have to please others all the time, that it's o.k. not to be the best or to say no to someone if it's not what they want to do.

My DH is fab at that, I'm trying to take lessons off him

OP posts:

Original poster

elfsmum · 09/08/2007 14:54

Gosh what did that turn into

so as I said in the begining ......was I being unreasonable ....

.....duck ......and run

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 15:03

Yes, very

Good for the soul, a bit of cleansing family history splurging, I think.

Glad you've got a supportive DH.

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