Really difficult situation with DS and DN

[birthdayzilla]

I have a DS who is 4. My DSister has a son who is 1. We both visit our parents for 2 weeks in the summer, so the boys are together 24/7 during this time.

I’m very close to my sister and she is close to my son and a great aunt. However, I’m having an incredibly difficult time with her. Our parenting styles are really different and her DS1 is allowed to do literally anything he wants. I would never usually comment but his latest whim is to scratch and hit my DS in the face, leaving marks. My DS also hit him once but I spent a lot of time explaining to him that hitting is always wrong and teaching him to work through anger in other ways. DS wouldn’t and hasn’t laid a finger on DN since. Now when DN hits DS my sister just says ‘they’re only children, boys will be boys’ etc. I know DN is only 1 and my DS is 4 but he’s very big for his age, he leaves scratch marks. My DS is now afraid to spend any time with him/ be in the same room or play with any toy DN wants. In the last 3 days, DN has hit and scratched DS about 8 times.

If I speak up, my sister and BIL insist I am not allowed to discipline their child, and that I’m being over sensitive as he’s just a baby. I don’t blame DN one tiny bit. He is just a baby. But his parents just laugh and coo at his ‘antics’. My sister is the golden child and my parents always side with her.

I just don’t know what to do, or if I’m even justified? They all make me feel so over dramatic. Obviously DS is much older but he’s scared.

[PrayingandHoping]

If your sister had him sat on her lap and he constantly scratched her face what would she do?? I doubt she'd just let him!

A 1 yr old can be told a firm no. Repeated often enough they do understand.

[Longlongsummer]

Also, you can teach your DS to say ‘No scratching, No hitting’ and putting his arms gently down and moving away however he will learn best by you being there and doing it. He will model it.

And of course the baby won’t change for a while, but over time he will.

I think it’s less important for you to be diplomatic. There’s nothing to be diplomatic about! Up front and breezy attitude is way, way better than polite anger and resentment being oh so nice and delicate.

[BizzzzyBee]

I’d cut the visit short and go home. How often do you see each other? Perhaps by next time DN will be old enough to behave better. If he continues to attack your DS I’d avoid contact, it’s not fair for your DS to be repeatedly attacked. If DSis asks questions just say the boys don’t play well together at the moment and they need to mature a little.

[brassbrass]

One year olds do hit and scratch

Why do people spout this? Mine never did.

OP can you not just keep them apart or tell DS to stay out of DN's reach? The 4 year old is surely faster than the 1 year old?

Failing that if your sister is unwilling to cooperate then you need to cut down on the time they spend together as it will fracture all your relationships.

[PrayingandHoping]

One year olds do hit and scratch


I used to work in a day nursery. Could u imagine if it was just accepted in a room of around 30 in a baby unit (under 18 month ish) year olds that hitting and scratching was ok?

[letallthechildrenboogie]

Of course a child of one can be shown not to hurt people. I have one year old twins, and even with two of them if they try to hit or pull hair etc I take their hand and show them to stroke or pat, not hit, because hitting makes people unhappy. It's not that complicated. You could try that with your DN; otherwise move your son away. It's not his battle, or yours really, but your DSister will end up having to deal with it one day.

[AcrossthePond55]

I wouldn't care what my sister said, I would 'discipline' her child if he hit/scratched mine. I'd gently move him away and say "XX, no no! We don't " and I'd move him away from my child. If that didn't work I'd preempt it by moving the child away from my child each time he approached him, before he hit, scratched, whatever. And I'd be sure my child understood that he doesn't have to give up a toy or stop eating because some other child approached him.

My first duty is to protect my own child, not to worry about someone else's parenting strategy or lack thereof.

[AcrossthePond55]

And just for the record, neither of my two boys bit, hit, or scratched to get something they wanted.

[nameonhat]

''If I speak up, my sister and BIL insist I am not allowed to discipline their child,''

What do you mean exactly by this? I don't like the sound of that, when I was growing up and out of line my parents would have had no problem an aunt or uncle discipling me within reason ofcourse.

[meepmoop]

As a parent of a hair pulling toddler I would intervene as much as you can. Tell your DN to be gentle etc.
It's not always a quick fix to stop them so you might have to stay away for a long time which may not be reasonable.
I've spent the last year being a helicopter over DS as he couldn't control his emotions. Only now are we slowly getting somewhere and he's 2.

[nameonhat]

''Seriously!! He’s ONE!! You’re making too much of an issue.
Tell your ds that dn is a baby and is only learning. He doesn’t understand what he’s doing .''

this is crap- when my 1 yo niece used to bite my mum would put her putside the door any my niece would scream but my mum would leave her there for several minutes each time until she learnt no biting. I also think ops sister and husband are being totally unacceptable in not dealing with this now. Children need to learn from an early age and they do.

[tolerable]

can you define disciplined?

[SayItLoud1]

YANBU

I don’t get posters saying “he’s only 1!”, he is still scratching and hitting your son and getting away with it. What message is this sending? He may be 1 but will it be acceptable for him to scratch and hit children at nursery/preschool/school? He should be told, gently, “no, you don’t do that”.
I’ve seen older children just stand there getting hurt by younger children because they’ve been taught not to retaliate, that doesn’t make them soft or wrong. The parents of the child hitting have a responsibility to teach them right from wrong, otherwise your DN and his parents will be in for a shock when he goes to childcare/school settings.

I would start telling him “no, don’t do that” and blocking his attempts. He’ll soon realise and if your sister doesn’t like it, tough tits.

[Allgirlskidsanddogs]

I’d teach DS to shout in pain every time DN scratches.

I’d also plan not to visit at the same time as DSiS in future.

[GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou]

So after being hit, DS will cry and say sorry.

Poor wee thing.

Does your sister at least try and comfort your son when he is upset?

I understand where you are coming from OP. It's hard to accept an "Oh well he's just a baby" attitude when it's your son getting hurt. It looks like they don't give a shit.

DS2 went through a slapping stage when he was 1 and DH and I would always make a big deal of telling him no and comforting the other child.

It's just what you do in that situation.

[Freddiefox]

Can you teach you ds to put his hand up and say stop, he’s not being physical but he is standing up for himself

[BarbariansMum]

Of course he should be told "no" @SayItLoud1 - it's just at 1 it might make no difference to his behaviour just yet. OP's ds needs protection now - and that means physical distance or intervening adult. As for shouting "ouch", you may find that makes it worse as he likes the reaction. He doesn't know that ouch means pain, or that other people even have feelings. Babies are v egocentric.

[nameonhat]

''I would start telling him “no, don’t do that” and blocking his attempts. He’ll soon realise and if your sister doesn’t like it, tough tits.''


agreed i also don't mean to sound distasteful to the op but the sister and the hisband sound like complete morons laughing at it, brushing it off and then insisting nobody can dislipline their precious child but them.If another child was hitting their child would they be so quick to brush it off?? Some parents they are going to be.

[YourSarcasmIsDripping]

Fuck that shit. I'd be going home and visiting when they're not there or for less time.

What will you do if this continues when he's 3?5?7?

Your DS doesn't need to stand up for himself, he needs YOU to stand up for him and intervene when he's hurt. Either by talking to your sister and making it clear it's not ok, or by keeping them apart.

I know I sound like a dick but you expect a 4 yo to stand up for himself against a cute baby and his relatives that laugh at him being hurt, but you're unable to stand up to your sister and parents. You're the grownup. His grownup. You're supposed to protect him and your main priority should be him and his wellbeing.

[Loveislandaddict]

I wouldn’t allow a one year to hit and scratch my child, so I can understand why you are cross. If he does it again, I would intervene. If sis complains, explain you are protecting your child from being hit and scratched.

My two boys never hit or scratched children. Being one is not really an excuse. They can be taught No.

[WhenWillIWakeup]

I think you are being extremely dramatic! Your son is 4 and your nephew is 1. I'm pretty sure your 4 year old can play away from your nephew, if it's bothering you that much. I don't know what you expect your sister to do, tell the 1 year old off? Explain him for ages that what he is doing is wrong? I'm sorry but he is only one, he doesn't understand what he is doing! You mention your nephew is big for his, this is ridiculous, I mean are you scared of him? Is your son scared of him? It really sounds as if you are feeling jealous that your son is not the centre of attention!

[GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou]

I don't know what you expect your sister to do

OP's sister and brother-in-law need to stay close to their son and watch him like a hawk when he is around other children.

It is a pain in the arse but when you have a child who hits/bites/scratches there is no alternative.

[BridgeFarmKefir]

My daughter is 6 weeks away from being 1. She pokes and grabs other babies. Because she's a baby. I always say 'be gentle', 'be nice' but she's a baby. She has barely any comprehension. Your son does have comprehension, so explain to him.

You can, as PPs have suggested, move DN away and say something firm but fair like 'be gentle', and I think your sister should be more involved in this BUT DN is too young to really understand. It's definitely not worth ruining a relationship over.

[Longlongsummer]

Agree.

Your DS doesn't need to stand up for himself, he needs YOU to stand up for him and intervene when he's hurt. Either by talking to your sister and making it clear it's not ok, or by keeping them apart.

[modzy78]

I'd honestly pick up DN each time, calmly say something like, "gentle hands," and hand him to sister or BIL. Every single time. It might inconvenience them enough to bother doing something about it.