Really difficult situation with DS and DN

[birthdayzilla]

I have a DS who is 4. My DSister has a son who is 1. We both visit our parents for 2 weeks in the summer, so the boys are together 24/7 during this time.

I’m very close to my sister and she is close to my son and a great aunt. However, I’m having an incredibly difficult time with her. Our parenting styles are really different and her DS1 is allowed to do literally anything he wants. I would never usually comment but his latest whim is to scratch and hit my DS in the face, leaving marks. My DS also hit him once but I spent a lot of time explaining to him that hitting is always wrong and teaching him to work through anger in other ways. DS wouldn’t and hasn’t laid a finger on DN since. Now when DN hits DS my sister just says ‘they’re only children, boys will be boys’ etc. I know DN is only 1 and my DS is 4 but he’s very big for his age, he leaves scratch marks. My DS is now afraid to spend any time with him/ be in the same room or play with any toy DN wants. In the last 3 days, DN has hit and scratched DS about 8 times.

If I speak up, my sister and BIL insist I am not allowed to discipline their child, and that I’m being over sensitive as he’s just a baby. I don’t blame DN one tiny bit. He is just a baby. But his parents just laugh and coo at his ‘antics’. My sister is the golden child and my parents always side with her.

I just don’t know what to do, or if I’m even justified? They all make me feel so over dramatic. Obviously DS is much older but he’s scared.

[Missangrypants]

To those saying the DN is only a baby so it's no big deal, shame on you.

Gentle discipline starts at an early age to protect the child and to protect others.

Without it we are seeing disruptive primary school children. Even worse the parents can't see or accept that their golden child is actually a pain in the bum for those around them.

[Itsreallymehonest]

Should have said if your Dsis won't intervene, then you need to.

[Itsreallymehonest]

I get it completely. Because DN is only 1, your DS instinctively allows gives lots of leeway to his younger cousin, and doesn't know what to do when the baby lashes out. He knows if he retaliated the baby would get hurt and he would be in trouble, so thinks he has to just "take it". We had exactly the same issue with my DS and his much younger cousin. If your DS won't intervene then you need to OP, your DS needs to know he is just as important. Xx

[Aprillygirl]

my DS feels as though he is bad and is being punished. DN babbles ‘bad bad’ as he scratches. So after being hit, DS will cry and say sorry. It’s difficult because despite being 4 DS isn’t that verbal (although no diagnosed speech delay) and finds it hard to express himself. He will be starting school in September as the youngest in his year and I’m so worried about the damage to his self confidence

Either you're being really dramatic or I would be worried as to whether your DS is ready to start school if he is really this sensitive OP. And I think your role in teaching him not to take a baby scratching him personally is just as important as your DS teaching her DS not to do the scratching. Also you say that your DS is scared of your DN, but then you say he enjoys the 'baby cuddles,' so which is it?
On a practical level I would teach my son to loudly say 'NO' and turn his back or walk away each time DN hurts him, and I would tell my sister to cut her kid's fucking nails.

[Ineedaweeinpeace]

Of course yanbu any normal mother would take the 1 year old off the 4 year old parent the 1 year old saying ‘I won’t let you hit hitting hurts’. And then apologise to the other child. I have a 22 month old and a 6 year old and the 22 month old will regularly try to pull/push/hit to get what she wants as she’s trying to figure out how to play socially etc. My 6 yr old and I had a big chat about and she understands but it can still be upsetting to be hurt when you’re trying to play!

Op you’re obviously not blaming the 1 yr old I see that and you will just have to do as the previous poster has said tell DN ‘we don’t hit it hurts’ and if you’re picked up on it say ‘don’t be ridiculous he can’t learn that it’s ok to do that sister - I now need to check my DS is ok’

[SleepingStandingUp]

I find the idea that your 4 year old son associates being hit, scratched and called bad with punishment incredibly disturbing and worrying
he's being hurt whilst being told he's bad, and no one is stopping it. i don't think it's indicative of an abusive home life that he thinks he must have done something wrong to have this happen to him

[GiveMeHope103]

This sounds very similar to my dn and ds. My dn hits my ds but my sister and her dh dont accept this at all and will make her aware what she is doing is wrong. Your dn is 1 but how will he realise that is not acceptable if you dont start correcting it from early on? I would step in and say something to your dn if the parents wont. You will be standing up for your Ds.

[skybluee]

It sounds horrible... why does he have untrimmed nails? I can't fathom your sister and family laughing it off when he is HURTING your son. Honestly, I don't think I'd want him to be around the one year old. It's just sad that they think it's OK.

[SweetpeaMidnight]

I think op made it quite clear the issue here isn't that dn is hitting/scratching, it's that his parents can't be bothered to teach him not to do it when it's hurting others.

One is perfectly old enough for most babies to understand the word no. Many understand no long before they are one. If his parents were making the effort to remove dn from the ops sons lap when he does it or say no hitting, gentle hands etc it would be different.

The boys will be boys attitude says it all

[ChristmasFluff]

Suddenly the world all begins to make sense, when children aren't taught to not attack others just because 'they're 1'.

Of course they don't know that what they are doing is wrong - but how do you think they learn that? Pick them up and move them away with a 'we don't hurt other people'.

OP, try doing that with DN. It's not really disciplining, but it is teaching him self-discipline.

[1forAll74]

Despite you only having to deal with this for two weeks,it's obviously upsetting for you,, but your sister really ought to do some gentle restraint with her son,even at so young an age.. She might well be taking her child to somewhere like a baby club later,and have this happening with other children, which might not go down well with others.

She should take some kindly advice from you really, but it might not make any difference !!

[lifeinthedeep]

Yes, he’s only one. But I’d still say “no” or “stop” if my one year old was hitting another child. It’s weird to ignore it.

[BlueJava]

Just visit at a different time - problem solved. Or reduce the time you are there.. "Sorry can only make a week this year..." or change by a week so you have 1 week all together and 1 week just you and parents.

[Magenta82]

my DS feels as though he is bad and is being punished. DN babbles ‘bad bad’ as he scratches.

I find the idea that your 4 year old son associates being hit, scratched and called bad with punishment incredibly disturbing and worrying.

[MrsGrammaticus]

Dress your son in chain mail....see if they take the hint.

[MrsGrammaticus]

I wonder what your sister would do if her DS started hitting and scratching her? Would she just shrug it off?
Sounds like he needs those talons trimming a little too!

[bluebeck]

Honestly OP you are trying to resolve this problem when really you should just avoid the situation.

Tell DM you will have to visit at a different time. I am sure you will all find it far more enjoyable rather than trying to implement any of the doomed to fail tactics suggested. Hopefully DN will grow out of his aggression before long. Until then I would minimise contact.

Your primary role here is to protect your DS from a situation where you know he is likely to be physically harmed. Other peoples feelings shouldn't come into it.

[helpconfused]

This could have been me but ours is biting. My DN is 2 and DS is 4. DN bites constantly and leaves bruises/breaks skin.
My DS has started biting when angry, which is a new thing. I think as DN isn't reprimanded the way I would do it, DS thinks it is something he can also do. He spends a lot of time there when I work so it's been a difficult half of the holidays so far trying to discuss and combat this.

[NoSquirrels]

I think you just need to stop the climbing up on DS for now - since that is when most of the scratching is happening. Just get DS to stand up, so that DN cant reach his face.

This. Alongside explaining to your DS that he’s done nothing wrong, but babies need to learn and his cousin hasn’t learned how to have gentle hands yet, so he can move away from the behaviour and he won’t get into trouble for that.

Defend your DS in front of your family when he stops the toddler climbing on him.

[Isaididont]

Yes he is one, but it's still the job of the parents to teach a one-year-old what's ok and what's not! They're learning a lot at that age.
Most parents I know, if their baby was scratching, biting or hitting, would remove them and say firmly, "Gentle, gentle" and show them how to be gentle. It's our job as adults to teach babies and children not to be violent - it may take ages for them to learn, but we can at least not sit around doing nothing.
I feel really bad for your son and it's such a shame he's apologising! Just because the nephew is so little, doesn't mean he's not physically hurting him. Your boy sounds like a real sweetheart. Any time he says sorry like that, if I were you, I'd take him aside and make sure he knows he doesn't need to say sorry, he's done nothing wrong, it's just that babies don't always know how to behave, they're too little. You could even tell him a funny story about something he used to do when he was a baby (like throw food or whatever).
Also, when the one-year-old does scratch or whatever, I would take his hand and remind him to be gentle, and say "No scratching, be gentle like this". It will reassure your son that someone is doing something! It must be disconcerting for him to see the baby not getting stopped by his parents and give a sense of injustice and insecurity.

[Nishky]

@BridgeFarmKefir yes a lot of babies do, but I don’t agree that they have no comprehension at that age,

[BridgeFarmKefir]

@Nishky I didn't say they did. But unless babies where I live are especially feral, many seem to poke and grab as a natural way of exploring the world.

[Nishky]

My daughter is 6 weeks away from being 1. She pokes and grabs other babies. Because she's a baby. I always say 'be gentle', 'be nice' but she's a baby. She has barely any comprehension. Your son does have comprehension, so explain to him.


Not all babies hurt others @BridgeFarmKefir

[modzy78]

I'd honestly pick up DN each time, calmly say something like, "gentle hands," and hand him to sister or BIL. Every single time. It might inconvenience them enough to bother doing something about it.