Mother in law strange behaviour?

[bellarosa81]

My mother in law is having one of my children today and overnight. Lovely!

My husband came home from Work and Said that they had spoken on his way home.

According to her my son’s shoes don’t fit properly so she Will go into town tomorrow to buy new ones.

Now they are new shoes so i explained they are a little hard and need to be Worn in but he has Worn them a few days and no conplaints so far from him or nursery.

She has a history of buying my children clothes and wanting to show her style through them!

She never contacted me to tell me what she thought though. I asked my husband:
had she not have mentioned it would he have noticed they were ill fitting .

He didnt know. 😉

Is this strange?

[Alsohuman]

You’re saying something else entirely now @redspider.

[redspider1]

reckless That all sounds lovely, as long as it is not prefixed by you saying that the clothes and books your DD buys are not suitable or ill fitting. Do you see the difference?

[NoSauce]

Tbf children’s new shoes shouldn’t be hard and need breaking in. Did you get them fitted OP?

[redspider1]

Am I Alsohuman ?

[cornish009]

cornish I would have been mortified that you felt my child's shoes were tatty, so much so that you bought new ones without checking with me

jellyfish70 - mortified is an incredible strong emotion to feel over something so minor. I did not think it was important enough to interupt them at work to ask - they would probably have been mortified if I had!! Thankfully my daughter/son in law and I have a relationship based on openess and honesty, and had they been mortified (or any other negative feelings) they would have told me straight. And to turn it around I am now a foster carer and the other week my daughter bought one of my foster children a new jumper with a unicorn on it because the one she already has with a unicorm was getting a bit small. She did not check or ask, and I was not mortified either, I was pleased and happy to accept her gift, as was the foster child of course.

But your point is taken and you can be glad I am not your mother or mother in law!! LOL

[jellyfish70]

My MIL would never judge our decisions as parents. She's great!

[Alsohuman]

Yes @redspider, you are. Ill fitting shoes are a fact, there’s no judgement involved there at all. I assume you, too, are offended at imaginary slights.

[NoSauce]

My MIL would never judge our decisions as parents. She's great!

Maybe you don’t buy ill fitting shoes

[redspider1]

Also in MIL's opinion they were ill fitting. Why are you accepting her opinion and not the OP who had just bought them? If she had called OP she would have explained they were new and they were not the only pair of shoes he had. OP also said there were no complaints from the child or nursery. I dare say OP would have noticed any marks on the child's feet if there was a problem.

[Alsohuman]

Because fit isn’t an opinion. If something doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit.

[redspider1]

But you can;t check also so how can you be sure? Do you think OP has purposely put her child in badly fitting shoes? Why would she do that? Why wouldn't nursery comment on it?

[nwybhs]

MIL's opinion they were ill fitting. Why are you accepting her opinion and not the OP who had just bought them

It was OP who said...

so i explained they are a little hard and need to be Worn in

[Fiveredbricks]

@recklessgran can you adopt me and my DS? Thanks 😁

[Alsohuman]

Oh give it a rest, do. Why are you so invested in this?

[redspider1]

Leather can be hard on the shoe outer without affecting comfort and fit.

[redspider1]

Why are you?

[nwybhs]

Leather can be hard on the shoe outer without affecting comfort and fit.

We are talking about a nursery she's child. Their shoes should not be hard at all. They should not need worn in and the MIL was correct to point out they were ill fitting. Poor wee boy.

[nwybhs]

Nursery age

[Lizzie48]

The MIL sounds kind and well-meaning, but quite pushy. In this way, she’s similar to my DM, who has a way of pushing her point of view on to us and has always stressed me out. I’ve learnt that the best way to handle it is to be assertive with setting boundaries and then stick to them. One of MN’s stock phrases, which has really helped me, is ‘No is a full sentence.’ And replies like, ‘No, the shoes are fine.’

But I’m learning to appreciate what my DM does do to help and to accept that some aspects of her character are not likely to change (she’ll be 80 later this year!).

It’s great that your MIL is happy to babysit. If she genuinely loves your DS, which she seems to do, and he enjoys his time with her, then that’s the important thing.

[HappyRoots]

If this was me - even if I thought a parent-in-law was being critical of my tastes - I think I'd just run with it with "free shoes!" in mind (I am v. skint though so that possibly factors in). Next time the wee one needs shoes I'd involve MIL and ask her if she'd like to do a shopping trip into town as she did such a good job choosing some last time. It's one job/expense off the list.

But then it all depends on the background here - if MIL is very critical or controlling in a lot of different ways then I'd feel differently. If it's just about footwear though then fuck it - let her buy some shoes. My ex-MIL started potty training my eldest, without asking, because she thought it was time. It set us back A LONG way with training. I thought that was a bit controlling (though if she'd succeeded with it I wouldn't care I guess...)

[MummyParanoia101]

Cornish009 You did nothing wrong!! What a sweet gesture :)

[Mothership4two]

It is definitely something my mother would do and I wouldnt question it. There may be some back story here, but going from what you say, she thought your son looked uncomfortable and so bought him more shoes. She talked to your husband probably expecting that he would discuss it with you - as he did. You might not like over-consumption, but she obviously has no problem with it. Her history of buying your children clothes in order to show her style, may just be that her taste is diffenent to yours. She is showing love with time and attention - she is babysitting for you. She probably doesnt think this is a big deal, that she is doing something nice, and would be surprised at your reaction.

You seem very cynical of her motives. Like I said, may be some back story? A few ppl have tried to put it into perspective, but you are arguing against them. I suspect that nothing any of us say will change your mind and you came on here to vent (have no problem with that).

My MIL is incredibly stingy, if she bought any of my children shoes (or anything!) we would have a party!

[Threeminis]

What a moaner you are. I'd swap...my mil couldn't give a shit.

Mine either..

[DeeCeeCherry]

If she's not weird it's ok.

My mum is weird, tho. Think wanting DCs to wear what she chose, criticising my choices etc. So she'd buy them stuff then along the way stuff I'd bought would get 'lost'. Same with food - she'd buy what I didn't want DCs to have

People think a grandparent babysitting is the 'Holy Grail'. But it isn't always - not when said person subtly uses it as leverage to get their way. I arranged alternative childcare as it wasn't worth all the angst for me.

Let her get on with it if it benefits you/DC OP. If there's a backstory to this well then it's something you need to address now.

[MoreCookiesPlease]

Hmm. It's a tough one. On the surface of it, it all seems so innocent. MIL thinks the shoes don't fit correctly, so she's graciously buying a new pair tomorrow.

If I posted the same post as you OP and also posted background info about my MIL's previous behaviour, everyone on this thread would agree with me that MIL was horribly controlling and trying to make a point. This is because she has displayed controlling behaviour in the past towards my twins, often trying to be an extra parent. She frequently oversteps the mark and crosses boundaries, and when she's talked to about it she argues and pouts.

Is there similar behaviour from your MIL in the past towards you that has sensitized you or that has confirmed that she's trying to undermine you as a mother? It feels like the issue here is not really the shoes per se, but your perception that MIL is criticising your parenting?