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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to clear up after himself at the weekend?

46 replies

oneplusone · 15/07/2007 20:50

I had a massive argument with DH today about the messy 'trail' he leaves wherever he goes.

If he's had a beer he doesn't throw the bottle away (into recycling or dustbin) same with bottle of wine. If he's had a meal he'll just leave his plate on the side of the sink with food scraps still on it, he doesn't bother scraping them into the dustbin. If he's with DS in the kitchen and DS empties out a cupboard of pots and pans DH will just leave them all lying on the floor and leave the room.

I feel like a real slave at the weekend when I'm picking up after not 2 kids but 3 including DH. I'm a SAHM so I do most if not all of the housework during the week and I don't mind that as I see that as part of my 'job'. But at the weekend I do expect DH to do his little bit such as dealing with the above type of thing. His argument is that he gets up early with the kids at the weekend so I can have a lie in which I definately need as I'm usually up at around 5.30am every day during the week.

He also says that because he has a lot of stress during the week having started a new job he can't do any more than he already does at the weekend, ie getting up early, and it's up to me to do everything else.

That's why I got really angry as being at home all day with 2 under 5yo's is pretty stressful and I'm not even expecting him to do anything like cook a meal or anything at the weekend, just to clean up after himself as I already have 2 kids to pick up after and he said he just couldn't do it.

I feel like an unpaid slave and am really p**d off with him. But at the same time I don't know if I'm just tired and tetchy or am I justified?

OP posts:

Original poster

oneplusone · 16/07/2007 13:55

What gets me is that in the past he has been quite good at doing things and I secretly think that because he has now got himself a pretty good well paid job it has completely gone to his head and he thinks it's way beneath him to do anything around the house.

He actually used to be quite helpful and would do things without asking and so I know he has now 'chosen' not to do anything simply because he is now sooo important because of his job.

I can now completely see how and why the feminism thing all started now, I feel totally fed up and unvalued and I know if i was in a paid job I'd feel completely different.

I understand his pressures as the sole breadwinner but he has no idea of the pressures that a SAHM faces.

He is though a decent bloke at heart which is why I suppose I haven't kicked him out already, I think he's just a bit too full of his own self importance at the moment because of the job.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 16/07/2007 13:57

If his job is so great and well paid that he doesnt have to do stuff round the house then as his wife and equal partner it wouldn't do to be seen with marigolds on and soggy biscut on your jumper so perhaps now is the time to get a cleaner and a nanny? See what he thinks to paying for peopel to do what is beneath him - cheeky fecker!

dueat44 · 16/07/2007 13:59

Does your house have a garage, and is he protective of it? My DH is constantly tidying the garage and re-arranging it.

Hence when he leaves bottles, newspapers, phone chargers etc littering the house I CHUCK THEM IN THERE!

LoveMyGirls · 16/07/2007 14:00

What do you think of getting a pt job and using a childminder and a cleaner (of course)? Maybe it would do you all good? Build your self esteem, make him value you more, bring in money to pay for the cleaner etc?

MrsMarvel · 16/07/2007 14:02

Yes, doing set prescribed chores is one thing (although should be shared when both at home, leaving all your tat lying around and expecting you to pick it up is quite another, especially when he was different before.

Have a really good talk and be strong. I'd say one day's chore and childcare freedom for you at weekends and a "leave a room as you found it or better" policy everywhere else. Absolute minimum.

deembee · 16/07/2007 14:36

my own dh was just like this and like you i never expected him to share in the chores just not create more for me to do. i started a new set of house rules. ie if clothes not in wash basket, they do not get washed, dishes not taken down from bedrooms (two ds age 15 and 12) they do not get cleaned. (i actually went out and bought paper plates, cups,etc for me to use.) It took about three and a half weeks for things to sink in. God knows how long dh had gone without underpants but eventually things started to appear where they needed to be. This was over a year ago and sometimes they still forget but a pile of dirty washing left on the floor in their bedrooms reminds them. It is hard to do this and it nearly drove me mad but once i had started i couldn't stop cos then it would have been in vain. it doesn't even make my life that much easier but i just felt i couldn't let them get away with it anymore we are not slaves.

Original poster

oneplusone · 16/07/2007 16:00

I would love to go on strike but the problem is I have to keep the place fairly tidy and clean for the sake of the kids, it's not their fault their dad is too full of himself to lift a finger.

But the idea about dumping all his rubbish in his study is great and I'm deffo gonna do that from now on. He probably won't even notice though as it's such a pigsty anyway. I've told him any mail/magazines etc that are left lying around will go straight into the bin from now on and he did put some stuff away yesterday, no doubt he will go back to his old ways soon.

OP posts:

theressomethingaboutmarie · 16/07/2007 16:20

oneplusone - if you can't let the house get messy due to the kids, I'd get a sodding great box/bag and should he leave stuff around the house, put it in the box/bag - whether it be dishes, dirty/clean clothes etc and "store" it outside. That'll give him something to think about when it starts to rain.

We have what we term "crap" boxes at home. I have these medium sized stacked whickers boxes and if my DH leaves anything around the house, I just put it in there. To be fair to him, he is actually very tidy around the house so we've never had any real arguments about it. Still, if he can't find something, my answer is either a) tough or b) crap box

LoveMyGirls · 16/07/2007 16:25

What about my idea about the cleaner and the nanny/ au pair/ mothers help? Then he doesn't have to do more, you don't have to argue but you do get more help?

theressomethingaboutmarie · 16/07/2007 16:29

lovemygirls - I think that the point is that he'd still be disrespecting his wife. His own standpoint wouldn;t change in that he appears to think that housework is below him. I think that the OP needs him to have an attitude change rather than getting someone in to help.

Apologies to the OP if I've misinterpreted.

LoveMyGirls · 16/07/2007 16:34

Ime it's a hard job getting some men to change and looks like she has enough on her plate without training him as well if he's earning more money then why shouldn't she benefit from it in the way of more time for herself/ family instead of doing mundane chores. She can still get on at him to change but in the meantime get someone else in to help - this might even give him a kick up the backside?

Original poster

oneplusone · 16/07/2007 17:24

I agree theressomethingaboutmarie, I think he needs to change his attitude and realise that we both have stressful jobs during the week. All I want is for him to act like an adult not like one of the children and clear up after himself and clear up after them if they've made a mess whilst he's with them. None of it takes more than 30 seconds so I do think it is an attitude thing rather than too much work.

I do actually have a cleaner but she only comes once a week and even if she came every day, at the weekend I would still expect him to clear up after himself just as I would the kids to do the same if they were older.

OP posts:

MadamePlatypus · 16/07/2007 18:05

I meant a strike as in go to a spa for the day, not as in stay at home and watch the mess build up.

alison222 · 16/07/2007 18:13

Can you not beocme "ill for a weekend or two - so ill you have to stay in bed with the papers and have all your meals brought to you, you head hurts so much you can't let the children in etc, and see how he gets on for an entire weekend by himself. It may make him appreciate how much you do. Also don't tidy after him. I do like the idea of "crap" boxes.

clutteredup · 16/07/2007 18:19

haven't read whole thread but just to say no yanbu - my Dh is equally irritating for similar reasons.....sigh...can't live with them...can't live witho..

dazedorconfused · 16/07/2007 18:27

My DH tried this line - thankfully I could come back with . . . . when I worked we paid a nanny a good wage to take good care of our dd and we didn't expect her to do domestic chores beyond the nursery AND gave her 4 weeks holiday and days off when sick. I don't remember thinking we were made then so it must be a viable full time job!

So he's bl**dy lucky I keep the house tidy and clothes clean all week never mind moaning about doing his bit at the weekend!!

MrsMarvel · 17/07/2007 13:19

OPO - how did it go last night - did you have that talk?

Original poster

oneplusone · 17/07/2007 18:11

No, didn't talk last night, I was still mad and he got home late from work and I'd already gone to bed.

Things have now escalated, the thread is in relationships, sorry don't know how to do a link, am fairly new to this. Title is 'How do i get DH to realise how hard it is to be a SAHM?'

Please have a read and tell me what you think!

OP posts:

HomeintheSun · 19/07/2007 21:49

I too am in the same boat, DH keeps telling me he will try harder to "help" me, I keep asking him, why by doing things around our house he's helping me surely he's just doing his share. Anyway he does try, he just doesn't succeed. My friends DH will only wash up never dust, he says that it's not his skin. Men, can't live with them, can't trade them in for a gold fish.

skidoodle · 19/07/2007 22:10

yanbu, but wow he is

rabster · 21/07/2007 10:03

Sorry I know this is dragging things up, but I need to let off about MY dh, sho sounds just like yours 1+1.
He thinks weekends are for him to recuperate for work, not for us to spend time as a family, nor god forbid, todo house chores.
In 6 months he has done the 'night shift' ONCE!!!!!
We agreed he could go out today with his mates, ,if he helped me in the night more. So, last night when I asked for help NO. Then I got up at 7 and he stayed in bed - hung over - although I limited my drinks last night cos I knew ds would get up early.
THEN he wakes me( I had a nap when ds did this morning) cos he cant find the car keys (in the fukcing DOOR!!!!).
I am losing track of the number of times I am left to tidy / clean / look after ds. And I work part time too. I am SO Fed up of it.

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