To ask if I need to do everything with my step kids?

[Jacketpotatoes]

My DH has two children with his ex. Both lovely kids, we get on well.

I'm wondering if AIBU to think that I don't need to spend every minute of their contact time with them?

What I mean is, DH will not do anything without me. I.e. I'll suggest they go to the cinema together and he'll say I should come too because 'we do things together'.

If I want to go upstairs and read a book or have a lie down on a weekend I'm expected to do it in the living room with them otherwise I'm accused of not wanting to spend time with them.

They are with us one night under 50/50 so it's not a small amount.

I think contact time is for DH, not me. I do a lot with them, I'm not saying I avoid them the entire time they are here at all. We do a lot together, go to lots of places, watch films together, eat every meal together etc...

But I think if I want to do something on an evening like have a long bath or read a book upstairs I should be able to. As much as I do care for them (and I do!), I'm not a parent, it is not me they are here to see. And whilst DH may enjoy spending time with them watching their games on the console, I don't!

It's as though I'm made to feel guilty if I don't want to 'do things together' all the time. He even pulls his face if I don't want to go to their activities like swimming etc...to watch on a Saturday morning every time.

I never ever stop him doing things, in fact I try to actively encourage him to do things with them on his own but he thinks we should do it together every time. As I say, I do get on really well with the children so I don't believe they mind that I come to all of these things but I'm sure they'd be happy to go out and do something fun with Dad some time on their own.

I feel like I'm being expected to want to do all of this stuff as much as a parent would when in reality, I don't always want to. I'm kind, respectful, have a laugh with them, make them feel as welcome as possible in their home with us etc... But they aren't my children at the end of the day and that's okay isn't it?

[Crabbyandproudofit]

I am someone who enjoys their own company and actually get irritated if I don't get time to myself sometimes. I have three DC (now adults) and many of my happiest memories from their childhoods was spending one-on-one time with each of them. Perhaps if you and DH did something individually, with one child each, you could then open up a conversation with him about how the children need/want to spend some time with him without you? Your DH is acting as if you wanting time alone is a rejection of him/his children but you will all appreciate each other better if you have some time apart.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Of course yanbu. And I say that as a SM and someone whose children have a SM.
Time as a “family” is lovely but they also want time with just their parent.
Also there is something great about a step parent who gets to have a break from some of the mundane stuff so can step back in with renewed enthusiasm!

It’s about striking a balance between different expectations and that’s never easy but you must ring fence time for yourself

[electriclightbulbz]

I think this would be entirely reasonable for a birth mum or a step mum. You're not alone re the long baths either! I can easily stay in the bath for 1.5 hours. I keep topping up the hot water. If I'm going to use all that water I may as well justify it! You shouldn't have to explain yourself OP you are an adult and it must be awful treading on eggshells, worrying about your behaviour being monitored and judged.

[Ella1980]

Yanbu. I am in a similar situation but the other way around-I have two boys 50:50 and my fiance doesn't have any bio children.

We do things a lot as a family of course but also have time apart. For example, a few weekends ago he went to see a relative who lives a way away and I took the kids out with their grandparents. In the school hols he's going to see his nephew at uni while I take the kids to the cinema etc...

Everybody needs a break once in a while. As a parent/steparent it's important for your mental health IMO.

[thethoughtfox]

Do you end up doing a lot of the packing and organising for all these activities?

[Di11y]

all kids need time alone with their parents, both 2 kids and their dad, and one on one when youre with one so he can be with one, and all parents need time to themselves.

it'll be a rare family that both parents accompany kids to swim lessons, it's a chore not a family outing.

he's not acting like they are your kids, when a bit of time to yourself would be normal.

[Nanny0gg]

Did he drive his Ex mad with 'togetherness?

[Drum2018]

You really need to sit your Dh down and explain your feelings on the matter. Dh and I have never brought our kids to swimming lessons together - it is absolutely ridiculous that your Dh would expect you both to go, even if the kids were yours. You don't need his approval to have a bath, disappear to another room to read etc. He is being quite controlling over this situation and you need to put him straight. You seem like you are a great step mum but you don't need to be glued to the kids when they are at your house.

[Littletabbyocelot]

I want to echo what others have said about the step children wanting time with their dad. I had a step mum from 11 and she made a point of baking, going out shopping or finding something else to do (in their 1 bed flat) for most of our visits. She said she'd watched her own (grown up) kids struggle with a step mum who was always there & she wanted us to know dad was still our dad. I really appreciated her for it.

[JimCricket]

YANBU xx

[ommmmmmG]

Could he be a bit jealous/possessive and doesn't want you to have too much fun without him while he's parenting his children?

[NoNewsisGood]

Ha ha, yes, have your own time. It's nice that you enjoy time with them but also, yes, they have come to see your DH and probably would love to have him to themselves. It's their time to talk to him about personal things they might not feel comfortable with you around and anything about their mother that they may keep in when you're around to be diplomatic.

As above, parents all have time away from their kids at some point. Needs to be a normal and natural flow of things when they're there. If you'd usually have a bath then have one. But, obviously don't leave them to it all the time, but doesn't sound like you would anyway. I think you have the right idea about it.

[LL83]

Sounds like he is insecure about you enjoying time with them. Seems ridiculous as from your posts i think you like/love them a lot.
Why not try telling him how you enjoy their company. Maybe highlight the things you already do "let's have xxx for dinner because the kids enjoy it" or "we have the children tonight shall we watch a movie together" maybe "that xbox drives me daft can't understand why the children like it so much, I will go upstairs and read and let them get on with it. Dont want to stop their fun"

He shouldn't see anytime you have alone as you escaping but as he does and is a good partner in every other way I would try to help him feel more secure if I could.

Though watching swimming/xbox is more fun with another adult to chat to. So may be an element of that too. Which he should get over as you are allowed some time to yourself.

[DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain]

DH and I rarely go to swimming lessons together. Only if there's a particular reason such as going to different places afterwards. I hardly ever see both parents there.

I also have long baths every day, even (especially?) if the kids are around. Your DH actually sounds like a good Dad (not lazy) but you need to push back against this.

[Jacketpotatoes]

Thanks all!

LL83 I think you are on to something with that.

It's important for him that me and the kids get along. But he doesn't need to worry because we do! Really, really well. I'm incredibly lucky to never have had any of the dramatic situations you see on here sometimes involving ex wives and strained step relationships etc...

He is a good partner in every other way. I'm certainly not considering LTB over this! But it can be tiring and I'll hold my hands up and say that sometimes I'm ready for them to go back to their mums at the end of their stay just so I can do my own thing without feeling guilty.

It's not to avoid them at all. Sometimes the youngest is like my shadow and will follow if I go in another room to read or cook or whatever. I don't mind at all, I find it pretty sweet and we'll have a little chuckle together or he'll help me make tea.

It's when they are sat playing games on the console, I want to pull my eyes out after 20 minutes but I'm expected to do whatever it is I want to do in the same room.

I think he struggles with not wanting to be the 'bad guy' as well when it comes to them doing what they want (playing too many games!). He worries about them not wanting to see him anymore if he's too strict.

[Innernutshell]

This behaviour is a bit controlling albeit that he is putting it in a 'family time is important' package.

Does he feel he has to do everything all the time with the DC too? Is he allowed time away from them to do his own thing if they are staying over?

That would be normal type behaviour in a family set up where the parents were still together.

[onthenaughtystepagain]

Everyone likes time away even from their own children.

[CallItLoneliness]

It might be worth pointing out that by forcing you to be with them all the time, he is risking the very thing he is trying to avoid--you finding their time with you difficult! You sound really lovely, and aware of all the dynamics in the family. It might be worth explaining to him that the children need time with just him.

[dreichuplands]

OP you sound extremely reasonable. I love my dc, much of what they enjoy I find boring. sometimes I will sit in the same room as them when they are on a screen sometimes I'll be elsewhere doing other things. This is just normal family life.

[outpinked]

YANBU, I think it’s important for them to spend time alone with their Dad without you around. I think it’s the same when parents are together tbh, every child should spend time just with one parent at some point.

[Chamomileteaplease]

I think it is hilarious that he thinks you would want to go and watch the kids swimming on a Saturday morning! .

I mean, seriously, what is he thinking? I would love for you to ask him why that is a reasonable idea. Just keep saying, but why? why? Crazy stuff.

I hope all these posters have given you courage to speak to him and to get your baths and free time guilt free .

Plus I would encourage boundaries re the computer games and stuff before he gets to be a real disney dad and that really would be no fun at all.

[AIBUtopickanyoldname]

Whether or not he intends to be, he’s actually being incredibly controlling. Manipulating you and guilting you into modifying your behaviour for one night short of 50% of every week is not on at all. I would feel stifled and resentful of HIM, not the children. You need to nip this in the bud OP. You should be able to have autonomy over your own time in your own home.

[burblife]

OP I'm wondering if he's an extrovert and loves being with people all the time?

Perhaps that might explain why he doesn't see the need for you to have 'time off' from family life? Have you explained to him how important it is for you to have a break so that the time you all spend together is quality time?

[GarthFunkel]

Jeez DH and I never go and watch swimming lessons together - we're usually trying to outdo each other with excuses why the other parent has to go and watch while the other slobs on the sofa does some Very Important Job at home. Does he want you all to go food shopping together as well? Would you all have to go to A&E together and take up all the chairs?

It's totally normal to do tag-team parenting. It's totally normal for you as a step parent to take a step back sometimes.

[MaiaRindell]

YANBU. I have never seen my dad on his own since I was 6. I liked his various wives and girlfriends - apart from one - but it was him I wanted to see.