To ask if I need to do everything with my step kids?

[Jacketpotatoes]

My DH has two children with his ex. Both lovely kids, we get on well.

I'm wondering if AIBU to think that I don't need to spend every minute of their contact time with them?

What I mean is, DH will not do anything without me. I.e. I'll suggest they go to the cinema together and he'll say I should come too because 'we do things together'.

If I want to go upstairs and read a book or have a lie down on a weekend I'm expected to do it in the living room with them otherwise I'm accused of not wanting to spend time with them.

They are with us one night under 50/50 so it's not a small amount.

I think contact time is for DH, not me. I do a lot with them, I'm not saying I avoid them the entire time they are here at all. We do a lot together, go to lots of places, watch films together, eat every meal together etc...

But I think if I want to do something on an evening like have a long bath or read a book upstairs I should be able to. As much as I do care for them (and I do!), I'm not a parent, it is not me they are here to see. And whilst DH may enjoy spending time with them watching their games on the console, I don't!

It's as though I'm made to feel guilty if I don't want to 'do things together' all the time. He even pulls his face if I don't want to go to their activities like swimming etc...to watch on a Saturday morning every time.

I never ever stop him doing things, in fact I try to actively encourage him to do things with them on his own but he thinks we should do it together every time. As I say, I do get on really well with the children so I don't believe they mind that I come to all of these things but I'm sure they'd be happy to go out and do something fun with Dad some time on their own.

I feel like I'm being expected to want to do all of this stuff as much as a parent would when in reality, I don't always want to. I'm kind, respectful, have a laugh with them, make them feel as welcome as possible in their home with us etc... But they aren't my children at the end of the day and that's okay isn't it?

[RedPanda2]

I think you're doing the right thing by being aware of it and teying to address it. It's madness that you can't have time to yourself when your step children are there, as another PP said, you would have a bath etc if they were your own children! Tell him you think they need time together just dad and kids

[Jacketpotatoes]

Whycantistaymotivated

That's scary! Minus your DD it sounds exactly the same!

[Butteredghost]

OP you wouldn't be unreasonable even if they were your bio kids, you are extra not unreasonable as they aren't. "Let's go and watch kids swimming together" argh how pathetic. Couldn't let any family member be alone for five minutes, could we! I couldn't stand this.

[Butteredghost]

And pps are right that the kids probably want to spend time alone with their dad sometimes, and this would also be the same if they were you bio kids. It's nice to spend time with just with one parent sometimes. A little bit of a different dynamic and keeps things interesting.

[Jacketpotatoes]

Thank you! I feel more confident now that I'm not just a wicked step mother

[funinthesun19]

Yanbu.

[OneStepSideways]

YANBU

Have you explained to him you don't want to do everything as a family and need some downtime too? They're not your kids and however much you love them it's not the same as raising your own! They have another mum and you can't step into her role or heal the damage from the divorce. It sounds like your DH sees you as a replacement for their mother. It's great he wants you to do stuff as a family but he needs to spend time alone with them too. Guilt tripping you into doing everything together will make you resent them (and they might resent you as well for always being there when they'd like their dad to themselves).

[Jacketpotatoes]

I guess now it's just finding a way to bring it up with DH in the right way.

I don't want to come across as though I dislike spending time with his kids of course but I need him to see and understand that our relationship is different to that of a parent and child and it isn't wrong for me to think that way.

[Weebitawks]

DH and I don't generally go to activities like swimming together and they're both of our kids. because even watching your own child swimming is quite frankly boring so we take stuff like this in turns. YANBU.

I've also been known to escape from my own children upstairs with a book.

[SandyY2K]

YANBU

Parents need a break from their own kids, never mind stepchildren.

It's important that they do things just with him, otherwise it's like he's forcing you on them.

They have a mum and don't need another one. Including you is great, but he's pushing the situation out of guilt.

[Jacketpotatoes]

even watching your own child swimming is quite frankly boring

Thank you! Okay so there are lots of things you have to do when kids are involved that aren't exactly the most exciting in the world but perhaps selfishly I think that I should be afforded a pass on these occasions sometimes given that I am not a parent and it isn't or shouldn't be my responsibility.

I do a lot with them that I wouldn't normally choose to do myself as I do appreciate I've chosen to be with someone with children and therefore they come as a package and for the most part I'm happy to do it but I really don't want to spend every Saturday watching swimming lessons!

And as you have all pointed out, it's beneficial for the children too to have time with Dad alone.

[ItsaDressWithPockets]

I would say YANBU!

[RomanyQueen1]

Good grief, YANBU they aren't your kids.
Does he parent them all the time 50% is a lot if he is working and not relying on childcare?
Tell him they are his children and you are child free.
Cheeky fucker.
I don't believe in this taking on other peoples kids, yes, be nice and maybe spend the odd day with them, but they have 2 parents already.

[LeekMunchingSheepShagger]

How many other kids at swimming have got two adults there watching them? I'm betting none! It's boring as hell even when it's your own children...dh and I used to do alternate weeks.

[MissBridgetJones]

OP! This is exactly my situation. I love the Kids so much - but if, say, I want to go and visit my sister or best mate (far enough away to stay overnight) on a weekend with have the kids I'm given the ALL the guilt trips!

Hand in there, you sound super duper. Just take yourself off for a Bath/shop/class etc. I do! Xxx

[Jacketpotatoes]

MissBridgetJones

It's horrible isn't it. I sometimes think am I just faulty or something, do other step mother's do all of this stuff and I'm just not a very nice one!?

[ispepsiok]

You sound lovely, your husband sounds a bit desperate to make everything perfect.

I love my children 100%, but that doesn't mean I don't look forward to bed time, try to get a lie in on a weekend while DH takes the 3 year old down or just have 5 minutes peace away from them. It doesn't make me a bad parent that I'm not there gushing over every single thing they do.

[rosiejaune]

Of course you should have time to yourself, whether or not they are your biological children.

I've been with my partner since my daughter was 8 months old, and he moved in when she had just turned 2 years old (I'd known him as a friend for years before). She's now 8. She has grown up spending a lot more time with him than her own father (who she does see regularly). But I don't expect him to do everything with us!

She's home-educated, so I do most stuff with her while he's at work. Sometimes we do things all together. Sometimes he does stuff with her without me.

[TheBigFatMermaid]

I don't even go to everything my kids do!

Last weekend, DP took DD to a karate thing, 28 miles away and I was still in bed when they left, as was DS. I got up shortly after, as a friend had text DS about going over his, so he needed chasing to get ready (soap dodging 12 year old).

I had a lovely few hours home alone in the end.

[BloodsportForAll]

Put foot down. Right down. Be firm. You want and need some me time sometimes and it has no bearing on your feelings towards the kids but that it will have an effect on that if he repeatedly insists you cannot breathe without them present. He is being controlling and it's not attractive.

[BlueSkiesLies]

He sounds like a needy cry baby who can’t be bothered to parent on his own. Extreemly unattractive.

[Islands81]

How long was he separated from the mother of his children before you met them?

[Meandwinealone]

God even though I had both my parents together I still loved alone time with both of them. We each had a special bond in different ways.
That would be how I would make my take on it.
Even children who are siblings need alone time with each parent without the other sibling.
I would say that everyone is an individual and needs individual special time and that we are not all one homogeneous group.

[Dieu]

My ex husband's partner (who was the other woman) never does anything with our children. She might occasionally join them, and my ex, for a show or meal out. However 9 1/2 times out of 10, it is my ex who goes out and does things with them. He is a good dad and loves them deeply, but quite why he'd want to be with someone so uninvolved is beyond me
She has never once looked after them on her own (they are older and very easy), or joined them for a weekend away or holiday. The children don't mind though, as they say it would be awkward.
Anyway, I digress. I think you sound very nice indeed, and I think you are being entirely reasonable in wanting some alone time.
Hell, I know I do, and I'm the one who gave birth to them!

[Ella1980]

@Dieu

Similar here! My ex-husband's gf has very little to do with our two boys despite living in the same house for half of their lives (50:50 custody). She never attends school events etc, in fact, I've never once met her in three plus years. She is never left on her own with them and even told my eldest at one point she "Doesn't really like children"!

This suits my ex though as he is unbearably controlling.