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AIBU?

To ask if I need to do everything with my step kids?

101 replies

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 08:20

My DH has two children with his ex. Both lovely kids, we get on well.

I'm wondering if AIBU to think that I don't need to spend every minute of their contact time with them?

What I mean is, DH will not do anything without me. I.e. I'll suggest they go to the cinema together and he'll say I should come too because 'we do things together'.

If I want to go upstairs and read a book or have a lie down on a weekend I'm expected to do it in the living room with them otherwise I'm accused of not wanting to spend time with them.

They are with us one night under 50/50 so it's not a small amount.

I think contact time is for DH, not me. I do a lot with them, I'm not saying I avoid them the entire time they are here at all. We do a lot together, go to lots of places, watch films together, eat every meal together etc...

But I think if I want to do something on an evening like have a long bath or read a book upstairs I should be able to. As much as I do care for them (and I do!), I'm not a parent, it is not me they are here to see. And whilst DH may enjoy spending time with them watching their games on the console, I don't!

It's as though I'm made to feel guilty if I don't want to 'do things together' all the time. He even pulls his face if I don't want to go to their activities like swimming etc...to watch on a Saturday morning every time.

I never ever stop him doing things, in fact I try to actively encourage him to do things with them on his own but he thinks we should do it together every time. As I say, I do get on really well with the children so I don't believe they mind that I come to all of these things but I'm sure they'd be happy to go out and do something fun with Dad some time on their own.

I feel like I'm being expected to want to do all of this stuff as much as a parent would when in reality, I don't always want to. I'm kind, respectful, have a laugh with them, make them feel as welcome as possible in their home with us etc... But they aren't my children at the end of the day and that's okay isn't it?

OP posts:

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CalmdownJanet · 01/04/2019 08:55

Take off the rose tinted glasses fss, this isn't about not wanting you to feel included, he doesn't even want you to have a fucking bath or read a book!!

TowelNumber42 · 01/04/2019 08:55

Put your foot down. Don't worry about him making faces, that's rude of him. You sound lovely. Stop going to the bloody swimming for a start!

Amongstthetallgrass · 01/04/2019 08:57

Oh god I hide from my bio kids all the time!

Tell him to sod off.

Bittern11 · 01/04/2019 08:58

Whatever his reasons, he is being unreasonable. Pulling faces when you say you don't want to go to an activity??

In a family that lives together 100% of the time, the adults do not take all dc everywhere together. It's just not possible or desirable. You deserve your own downtime and you have autonomy over what you want to do in the evenings as well. You need to talk to dh.

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 09:00

The children do spend most of their time with him when at our house. If given the choice, they would choose to be downstairs with him over being in their room. They actually love seeing him. He doesn't dictate that they can't go and do their own thing but they often choose not to.

I do sound like in just defending everything now but it's hard to explain that I genuinely don't believe it's because he wants me to do the caring for him.

OP posts:

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 09:02

In a family that lives together 100% of the time, the adults do not take all dc everywhere together

Yes exactly! I remember having days out with just my mum or dad when they were together.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 01/04/2019 09:03

How old are they?

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 09:06

Both just under 10.

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 01/04/2019 09:24

He's trying to recreate the family life he had with his ex but he doesn't need to do that. The DC know mum and dad aren't together, they know you are not their mum. By the sound of it you have a lovely relationship with them but you don't need to be with them constantly. I think you are going to have to be firmer with him, you need time to yourself they need one on one with their dad.

Bittern11 · 01/04/2019 09:24

In fact, it's good for each dc to spend time by themsslves with each parent. The dynamics are different than when the whole family is together.

Springisallaround · 01/04/2019 09:25

I think he's unintentionally suffocating all of you. Children need alone time as well to chill out, watch TV, have a bath, being in the same room ll the time for everyone isn't that healthy plus when they are teens it's going to be a huge shock for him.

I would be really blunt- I need my alone time, this is normal, normal parents also read books/have a bath, stop trying to over-compensate here. I'd also say to him that with the teen years looming, that the children need to learn it's ok not to be with dad every second they are in your care and shouldn't be made to feel guilty about wanting to do stuff away from the family.

Ugh, this is actually not that good parenting at all, and the fact he imposes it on you instead of looking for cues from you.

TwoShades1 · 01/04/2019 09:26

I’m a step mum and you sound perfectly reasonable. That said my partner also likes doing things like days out, movies, etc all together. As for him it’s having his whole family together. That said he isn’t upset if I have other plans with friends or my hobby occasionally and things like reading or taking a bath are solitary activities so I’m welcome to do them wherever I like! I’m also very much about contact being the kids spending time with their dad! Whilst it’s important that they have a good relationship with me, I accept that I am essentially a bit “replaceable” and they have have a good relationship with their mum and many other family members on both sides. So they don’t “need” me in the sense that might be true in they lived with us full time or their mum wasn’t in their lives. I’ve had to remind DP before that I’m not their mum, I’m not going to try and be their mum and they don’t want or need me to be their mum!

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 09:35

Don't get me wrong, if I have plans or am going out with friends then he doesn't get annoyed.

It's if he knows I don't have plans he can't understand why I might just not want to go and watch a swimming lesson for example.

The bath thing is because I like long baths, probably over an hour. Obviously I can have a bath, but he thinks I stay in so long because I'm avoiding spending time with them.

He may not particularly want to do things like going to a swimming lesson. He may not be able to have hour long baths if the kids need do x y or z but he's the parent. I'm not. Surely I still have part of the luxury of not having to think about the children all the time given that I don't actually have any?!

OP posts:

ALLMYSmellySocks · 01/04/2019 09:37

YANBU if anything I think it's very important for them to have 1-1 time with their dad. In all families everyone wants a bit of time alone sometimes DH is being ridiculous.

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 09:40

By that last message I don't mean that he's jealous of me not having to look after the kids.

I just mean, it's my way of thinking that although I'm married to a man with children who I very much like and care for, I still see myself as childfree when it comes to what I can / can't do with my time!

I'm not explaining myself well here

OP posts:

Daisydoesnt · 01/04/2019 09:45

I'm a step-mum (albeit my step-sons are now in their mid/late 20s. I've been with their dad since they were 3 & 7). You sound totally and utterly reasonable to me, and very self-aware too.

My husband wasn't like yours, and was always very happy for me to go off and do my own thing at the weekends. But one of my best friends is currently going through something very similar.

I can sort of understand the compulsion to try and recreate for his children the "family" that your DH feels they've lost. There is clearly a lot of guilt for what he perceives they're missing out on, The thing is, you aren't their mum (as you acknowledge) and the family that you have created with your DH is a new one, different to being with their mum & dad. The children won't be fooled by his attempts. He's never going to recreate that for them.

I'd bet my bottom dollar they'd love to spend more time with their dad one-to-one, that's all most kids want; their parents undivided attention.

How you get your DH to see that is not easy. Good luck.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/04/2019 09:48

I don't want to be with my own children all the time and I think they are perfect and wonderful in every way (despite evidence to the contrary being available). At 10 they will soon be getting to an age where they are happy to be at yours but will want to do things without you or your husband, he's going to find that hard.

museumum · 01/04/2019 09:54

Families do things differently. I see lots of families at my ds swimming on a Sunday with both parents plus very young sibling watching. We would never do that! One of us goes to swimming and the other stays home - even more do if there was a baby too.
I’m not criticising, it works for them. And your dh seems to want that always together type of family unit too. But it’s not for me and dh, we each have quite a bit of separate time.

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 09:57

I do worry how he is going to take it when they get to the age where hanging out with Dad all the time isn't cool! I think it will hit him pretty hard. Especially if they ever got to the point where the didn't want to stay for overnights anymore.

I think he'd really struggle not to take it personally.

OP posts:

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 10:06

Are you planning to have kids yourself ? I guess that’ll fill the gap

Loulzze · 01/04/2019 10:19

You'd have a long bath if you had your own kids, tell him having kids doesn't mean you're automatically banned from EVER leaving them for a few hours and it's weird to expect you to never have alone time

Hollowvictory · 01/04/2019 10:22

Just be more assertive. 'I'm going in the bath/out fo a walk/to the cinema' or whatever.

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RedPanda2 · 01/04/2019 10:26

I was a step child and it unfuriated me when I couldn't do anything alone with my dad as stepmum would always come. I liked her but I wanted alone time with my dad

Jacketpotatoes · 01/04/2019 10:36

I was a step child and it unfuriated me when I couldn't do anything alone with my dad

See I hate the thought of this.

I'm not overbearing in any way, I don't like to step on toes and tbh I don't even really like to refer to myself as a step mother!

But it's such a delicate line to walk and I worry when DH says these things that maybe I am wrong for not wanting to spend all the time with them. You do begin to question yourself!

OP posts:

Whycantistaymotivated · 01/04/2019 10:56

Jacket

I feel like I could've written your OP. I'm the same, I have 2DSSs 9 and 6. Live with us 50/50, 3 nights a week. We have a DD and if I ever want to do anything at the weekend I get " why don't we all go" or if I want to just chillout upstairs when DD is napping I get " oh do you not want to see the boys" or " the boys are here to see you as well" comments

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