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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone struggle with abortion regret today?

81 replies

Lamplight5 · 31/03/2019 23:28

I had an abortion two years ago and suffered horrendously with it. Time has helped, but I still think about it and regret it every day.

Mother's Day is particularly hard and brings so many emotions back up, and, of course, you can't tell anyone that you're unhappy and no one knows why.

I don't know why I'm posting really other than I'm alone and feeling down about it. Do you ever really get over the regret and stop thinking about it?

OP posts:

NutElla5x · 01/04/2019 12:05

Read her post properly,when you have your glasses on, and I think you'll find that reincarnation is exactly what Daisy is suggesting. And why you think that you coming on here name calling makes you a better person than me for merely stating truths is baffling.

Gin96 · 01/04/2019 12:16

@Nutella I am a mother and have had an abortion, I have 2 children and didn’t want a 3rd, I am a real live mother who loves her children and guess what I have no guilt,none at all, I could’ve had miscarriage, I aborted at 9 weeks, 1 in 3 pregnancies miscarriage before 12 weeks. I do not have any regrets what so ever

NutElla5x · 01/04/2019 12:29

Good for you Gin As long as you don't expect sympathy,or spout bullshit that your baby is hovering about somewhere waiting for you to decide when you're ready to give birth to it then you do what you feel is right for you. Though I suspect some women who have suffered infertility or miscarriage may find what you have posted insensitive.

whiteroseredrose · 01/04/2019 12:32

I don't regret mine in the slightest. I don't often even remember that I had one. Just glad that I don't have to be in touch with the father.

Went away with a friend recently and she said the same as did a friend that had one the same time as I did.

So my message is that no, this isn't something that everyone regrets or dwells on.

People usually have an abortion for a very good reason. Years down the line it's worth remembering that reason and how crap life may have been if you'd carried on with the pregnancy.

MissB83 · 01/04/2019 12:33

Yes I did used to feel like that but the passing of time has helped, and I don't have any doubt that my decision was the right one. It was 12 years ago. for you OP.

Gin96 · 01/04/2019 12:34

Everyone has a choice and it’s down to the individual, I am just giving my experience of my abortion, I’m not ashamed, it was the right choice for me, it was pain free and guilt free, I know that won’t be for everyone and no I don’t have any fantasy’s that my baby is waiting for me. I have my 2 children that I love.

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/04/2019 12:37

I honestly didnt ghink about it, it was 12 years ago and absolutely the right decision.
The father is very much still in my life, I speak to him most days and adore him, I didn't want another baby though, not then, not ever.
I had a lovely day with my very much wanted 17yr old, who has a fucking dick for a father.

Original poster

Lamplight5 · 01/04/2019 12:57

Well this is all rather odd 😐

125678katie for you. Despite my post, time really does help. I also ended up having a couple of counselling sessions, which I never thought I’d need, but they really did help.

Daisy, thank you for your kind words. I don’t actually want kids, and never have, which is why it took me by such surprise when I had such a rush of hormones during the pregnancy and regret for ignoring them afterwards.

I honestly thought I’d be like the posters who are saying they’re happy with their decisions and have no regrets. It took me hugely by surprise when I struggled to get over it.

OP posts:

Clownfish123 · 01/04/2019 12:58

Ignore the insensitive and cruel posts OP.

I can completely sympathise, I had an abortion 15 years ago when I was just 19 and I still think about it and regret it deeply.
The regret for me didn't really start until I had my first child, and has been continuously on my mind since then.
I can't really offer much help other than for you to know that you're not alone. Some therapy might help you work through your feelings. Feel free to PM me.

Clownfish123 · 01/04/2019 13:01

Just saw your last post, good to hear you got some counselling sessions. I was taken by surprise by how it made me feel too, I've always thought of myself as fairly resilient and practical but not in this case.

lboogy · 01/04/2019 13:03

I had one as a teen. I was scared my parents would be disappointed in me and I also didn't want the stigma of being a teen mum either . Plus I'm sure my parents would have pressured me into having an abortion.

That was 20 years ago and I still deeply regret it. Knowing who I am now, I'm certain I would have been maybe even higher achieving than I am now. At the time I thought it would be limiting. I would discourage my children from having one tbh.

I am still pro choice however

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 01/04/2019 13:05

Though I suspect some women who have suffered infertility or miscarriage may find what you have posted insensitive

Please don’t speak for other people. I suffer from infertility, it hurts every fibre of me that I cannot have a child. It’s heartbreaking.

But my situation and the fact that my body won’t do what I want it to do has absolutely nothing to do with what another woman chooses to do or their subsequent feelings. It doesn’t invalidate the OPs feelings.

OP be kind to yourself x

Lostandconfused240 · 01/04/2019 13:06

Dear OP, please be kind to yourself. Trust that you made the decision for the right reasons and from some intuitive wisdom. Regret is such an utterly useless emotion, although of course easier to say 'just don't regret.' Let yourself feel what you need to and remember you are not alone.

My mum made a choice to abort a baby who would have had health issues. Some choices are made compassionately and with love even if it doesn't sound like it. My mum used to pray to talk to the baby and said she found that very comforting. She also said when she died she believed she would see him one day waiting for her. I am a spiritual person and these things would comfort me too. Some posters on her are quite cold/brutal in their view of the world, don't worry about them, do whatever helps to bring you peace.

Clownfish123 · 01/04/2019 13:14

@Iboogy your situation sounds so similar to mine except I told my parents.
I was convinced I would be a failure, never get a boyfriend or a job if I kept the baby.
I now know that I would have coped, that would have been fine and I've seen plenty of people have kids when they are young go on to have great lives and actually be more driven and successful than those who waste their 20's boozing and socialising, which is mostly what I did.

NutElla5x · 01/04/2019 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RiddleyW · 01/04/2019 13:27

Despite your lack of comprehension, I truly am very sorry that you can't have the baby that you long for

Did you type this with a straight face?

NutElla5x · 01/04/2019 13:49

Yes RiddleyW I am lucky enough to have never known the pain,but I am quite certain that it must be immense,so I have every sympathy for those unable to conceive. Why would you believe otherwise?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 01/04/2019 14:19

Why would you believe otherwise?

Because clearly you have the emotional empathy of a whelk

flirtygirl · 01/04/2019 14:28

ThoughtfulThinker

If you had infertility treatment, I don't understand why you are having an abortion. You haven't had it yet but you say you are already regretting it.

for your situation but if the baby is ill or something would you rather not let nature take it course. That's the only reason I can think of having an abortion after I had been through infertility. But I am not you. However your post seems so sad and so feel of regret already.

I'm sorry if my post upsets you.

Claire90ftm · 01/04/2019 17:54

ThoughtfulThinker I am also confused by your post. You haven't had an abortion but you've decided to. And yet you were going through fertility treatment to have a baby?

WatcherOfTheNight · 01/04/2019 18:13

I have no problem with posters feeling sad & sorry for their abortion ,or for them regretting it .

But I do have issue with those on this thread who compare it to those of us who've had a miscarriage or a had a child die.
I lost a baby in my second trimester & more recently my daughter died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition .
I had no choice at all !

Buddytheelf85 · 01/04/2019 18:56

I’ve had one and rarely even think about it. It was the right decision and I think I’d be quite unhappy now if I’d gone ahead with it. The experience of the actual abortion was very unpleasant, and I look back on it as a dark time in my life, but I have no regrets of the kind you describe.

I also don’t think about it as a baby. I think that would be a sure-fire way to upset myself if I did. It was just a clump of cells with the potential to grow into a human being.

I’m really sorry if this sounds nasty but I think it’s easy to look back and sentimentalise/romanticise what could have been, which can lead to wallowing. When the fact is that you must have made the decision you did for a reason.

Original poster

Lamplight5 · 02/04/2019 00:39

Thank you so much to all the people to took time to reply with such nice comments. I appreciate it.

I'm really sorry if this sounds nasty but I think it’s easy to look back and sentimentalise/romanticise what could have been, which can lead to wallowing. When the fact is that you must have made the decision you did for a reason.

Yes, I made the decision because I didn't want kids. I made it easily and confidently & went to the doctors immediately. I found out just before Christmas though, so the normal rules of how long it would take didn't apply, and after a while I started doubting my decision but I just wasn't brave enough to say I'd changed my mind, or even really think about it. I vividly remember the nurse double checking I was sure for the last time and saying yes very surely and being surprised at how realistic it sounded. I kick myself for not expressing doubt. And it's not because I romanticise how life would be, because I have a fantastic life and still don't want children. I just have what sometimes feels like an almost primal longing for that one.

OP posts:

ThoughtfulThinker · 03/04/2019 21:49

Sorry it came out wrong, previously I'd gone all the way to ISCI a long while ago. I thought I was going through the menopause then I out of the blue I discovered I was pregnant. A literal dream come true for me. I don't want to hijack this post though.

Leafylow · 03/04/2019 22:16

Go ahead, ThoughtfulThinker, it's fine with me.

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