Anyone struggle with abortion regret today?

[Lamplight5]

I had an abortion two years ago and suffered horrendously with it. Time has helped, but I still think about it and regret it every day.

Mother's Day is particularly hard and brings so many emotions back up, and, of course, you can't tell anyone that you're unhappy and no one knows why.

I don't know why I'm posting really other than I'm alone and feeling down about it. Do you ever really get over the regret and stop thinking about it?

[Toffeegal755]

Hi tots
was similar age to you sorry I know this is an older thread
i felt to old but would of liked a another 3rd .. but partner was never that keen.. did you feel like ttc again? Or does that ease with time

[BobOrKate]

Oh dear, didnt realize this was an old thread.
Best wishes to you @Flowers24

[BobOrKate]

I'm always surprised that the emotional fertility arc of women is not looked at more in art, religion and science. From the monthly cycle of possibility at ovulation to the loss at mensuration. We go through this every single month for decades.

And then we have our lifetime arc from being a teen to the end of life.

I went from not that bothered about having kids, to giving birth, crazy, loved up would have murdered to protect, to a total pendulum swing to grief at a miscarriage, back to crazy off the scale, followed by intense desire for more than to those hormones fading.
I"m now menopausal, and the idea of finding the energy for a future imaginary grandchild is crushing, I just don't have it.

So where are our stories, where are our tales of emotion, pain, grief, guilt and love. My period coming has been a source of pain, indifference, sadness, relief....it's absence spans a different but wide spectrum over the years.

Where are our complicated stories told. We come to AIBU and apologize for lengthy posts, we should be writing novels, box sets, movie franchises.

OP own your story, we mostly get it right, most of the time and that really is the standard we have to hold ourselves to. And we"re allowed to feel all the emotions about the bits we get wrong, for a little bit, out of the time we have left.

[Lillylolo]

Yes, I have regrets. However, I still feel I was not in a position to offer my baby a good life. What makes it harder is my nephew is the same age my baby would be.

7 years later, I had my first baby & I truly feel he has a better life than I could ever have offered my aborted baby.

[Flowers24]

Sorry i will have a look, yes new x

[ViciousJackdaw]

@Flowers24

Sorry i was searching and found this, I have teenagers but had an early abortion 2 years ago and still struggle most days about it. Will the pain ever go away x

I think you'd be much better off creating a new thread Flowers, this is a zombie. Are you new then? Do you know how to start a new thread?

[Flowers24]

Sorry i was searching and found this, I have teenagers but had an early abortion 2 years ago and still struggle most days about it. Will the pain ever go away x

[Totsandteens]

Thank you both for taking the trouble to reply. It can’t be easy for you, SnackRussell, carrying this by yourself but you sound inspiringly strong and it’s great that you knew your own mind so well and haven’t regretted it.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Not had an abortion but it sounds like you made the right decision at the time and naturally there will be feelings of regret and guilt as you’re not heartless. It’s easy to say you perhaps should have been braver at the time but you were being brave. It must have been a tough decision. No useful advice but to say don’t be too hard on yourself.

[SnackRussell]

I got pregnant a year after DC3 was born. It due to a failed contraception. I really wouldn’t have coped with a 4th. DH wanted me to keep it so he didn’t support me emotionally at all and refused to speak about it, so I’ve carried it myself.

I absolutely do not regret it one bit OP. It’s early days do you so be kind to yourself.

[Totsandteens]

Sorry ThoughtfulThinker, I was replying to a post I think you made later than the above to someone else but my reply has been moved.

[Totsandteens]

Are you still looking at this thread ThoughtfulThinker? I’m in a similar position, except that I have 3 children already, and am struggling terribly having gone through IVF to get my 3rd and have now let go of a miracle because I was sure I was too old at nearly 47 which I now realise I wasn’t and could probably have coped after all. I was just scared my DH and I mightn’t live long enough, not without some founded reasoning, to raise it to adulthood and what would happen then? But I regret the decision every moment of every day because it’s not something I ever thought I could have done and I should have been braver and stronger.

[jodes7001]

Hi ladies - have been struggling and would love to hear any advice. I’m 33, nearly 34 and am 6 weeks pregnant. I’m originally from Los Angeles but have been in the U.K. (London) on and off for over 10 years. My partner of 1.5 years is 30 (Scottish) and has been supportive of the pregnancy thus far. He’s recently been made redundant at his job the day after I found out I was pregnant. I barely make enough to support two ppl in London, but he keeps saying money doesn’t matter and he can be a stay at home dad. I’m having major bouts of depression and crying meltdowns daily because reality has hit me that I am alone out here without family, will have to have the financial burden and be a mother. I am getting feelings of wanting to get an abortion and just move back home and start over. I feel totally hopeless. On other other hand my boyfriend says he’ll do whatever I want and I’m already 34 so why not.

[Lovewineandchocs]

thoughtfulthinker I agree with other pp, I really don’t think this is the right decision for you. I take it your DH changed his mind about wanting a child?
I have no wish to sound insensitive, but given it seems you are being pushed into this against your will, do you really think your marriage will survive this? You say your DM could have given you the courage not to go through with the abortion-you can find this within yourself. Hugs to you and

[Leafylow]

I agree with the PPs, thinker. Don't put yourself through the agony of regret & grief to please a man x

[RainbowFox]

Honestly, I don't think any man is worth not having children for if having a child is what your heart really desires. I always said I would rather be a single mum than not a mum at all. I made that happen and don't regret it for a second.

Please make sure you are certain thinker, before going ahead. Your posts read like you really, really don't want to have an abortion but you're doing it for someone else.

[LuaDipa]

@ThoughtfulThinker please don’t do this. I am passionately pro-choice and I do think abortion is absolutely the right thing for some women, but it comes across that you have no say in this.

You have clearly said that you will mourn this child just as much if not more than the ones you have already lost, but you have the choice to have this child. A choice that you didn’t have with previous pregnancies. I don’t quite understand what the issue is and why you are in this situation, but if it is your dh pushing for this you will never forgive him and your marriage will be over anyway. Please don’t rush into something that you will regret.

[littlestrawby]

Oh @ThoughtfulThinker you sound so very unsure about going ahead with this. Please, please do make sure you're doing this for you and not through pressure from your DH. Counselling could definitely help you decide whether you truly want to have an abortion. It's not too late to change your mind. Sending you strength and good wishes whatever you decide.

for you OP

[Bluelonerose]

18 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't regret it.

I was a child (over 16 but younf) and was virtually pushed into it by my then boyfriend.

I celebrate their birthday every year and have a huge tattoo dedicated to them which I love.

I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt of what I did to my baby but you have no choice but to carry on.

[EleanorOalike]

Oh God ThoughtfulTinker, I probably shouldn’t say this but I don’t think an abortion is the right decision for you at all.

It’s really coming across that you are being pressured into this by your DH and that you actually want to go ahead with the pregnancy, hence putting off the actual procedure and panicking that the day has been moved ahead. You see this pregnancy as a miracle and you have strong emotions for this pregnancy. You are already speaking of regret.

It seems like very very complex situation and I hope you are getting real life support and non-directive counselling.

If you felt you had the strength to go it alone would you go ahead with the pregnancy?

Is your DH worth all of this emotional pain, grief and loss?

You’ve still got time. Please don’t be pressured into making the wrong decision for you. Please keep talking on here. Could you start your own thread maybe too? I’d imagine you’d find lots of people supporting you.

You sound so very sad in your post.


To the OP. I’ve not had a termination but find Mother’s Day difficult because I’m 35, single and not a Mum and time is running out. I think a lot of people find Mother’s Day hard for various reasons.

My Mum and another relative had abortions that they massively regretted and will probably never get over. I was a late surprise a few years after the abortion and I think that helped my Mum a bit. She still has very raw grief over it almost 40 years on though. My relative had no regrets at the time, believing like many do that her chance at motherhood would come later but unfortunately after the abortion she was left unable to have children. She became very mentally unwell, bitter, lost all her focus in life as, despite counselling, she looks back on the pregnancy now as a miracle that was meant to be and is filled with self hatred that she, in her words, destroyed her only chance of having a child. If she hadn’t been left unable to have children, I don’t think she’d have so much regret as at the time she didn’t have any doubts at all. It was a one night stand, she was very young and living at home. Mother’s Day is understandably very hard but also any big family celebration involving children.

Neither of these abortions are ever spoken about outside of immediate family either for various reasons. There is a strong sense from both of them that as a woman you aren’t allowed openly to say you regret an abortion and they both feel they don’t have a right to receive any sympathy or understanding. My heart really goes out to them both and I wish I could make the pain go away.

to everyone who has struggled.

[ThoughtfulThinker]

Thank you so much, I don't want to hijack your post, when you need support. It's taken a while to find the right words.

It is totally gruelling at the moment, despite being old enough to know better, I kept putting off getting it organised, as I'd hoped DH would have come round. I found out pretty much a year to the day my Mum died, that's been hard as I know she'd have her way of talking about things, so I'd either feel better about doing it, or I'd have the courage not to.

I saw something about infertility, it made me feel sick that I could even contemplate abortion after such desperation. All those times in the EPAU hoping for good results on the scan.

It sounds like a cliche, but we have been blessed with a miracle. I was convinced that my fertility journey was over, you do come to terms with it. We were told a big lottery win was more likely, with all the additional factors found at a specialist MC clinic.

Although now I'm back to having my good old radar, spotting pregnant women a mile off, plus families with pushchairs.

I have so many questions, I don't know if you're even meant to have them, given what is proposed. I know this promotes confusion as to why I'm doing it. I'd like a final scan picture, I want to know if possible what the sex is. I told the place helping me I wasn't keen on surgical abortions, as I've heard so many horror stories, I was told this quaint tale about low suction & it would be fine. I can't find any info on this, so I called back to clarify, I got a very straight to the point nurse who said I'd basically been lied to, which isn't the best start.

I spoke with DH about switching over to a medical procedure, I think he's of the opinion (which is sort of true) that I'm indeterminably putting it off. So stick with what's booked, it needs doing.

I had a melt down the other day, merely because the booking in MW had said oh it's this day & date. I got given the right date, but it's a day earlier. I don't know why it upset me, I thought I had longer.

I'm well aware afterwards I'm going to be a wreck. I don't know if DH will go down the stoic, there was no other option route. Or if he's going to be all TLC.

Sorry again for posting this on here.

I stand by what I said, I love this baby as much as any I've lost, I just don't know how I could do it alone. Some may disagree with me, but judging how I feel, I'll possibly mourn this baby more than the others. The way you feel post abortion is individual to you, nothing makes the next woman more have a greater claim.

I'll also say since studying ethics a loooooong time ago, I always thought I was strictly pro life, but others had the choice to do what they want. I would support no matter what. I never thought I'd ever do it though.

It goes to show you never know what's going to happen. I never thought I'd get pregnant naturally, let alone at my age, plus not having risk of mc hanging over my head, which I've always had before.

Drinks & cake all round.

Just scrolled back & ive written an essay. I hope it understands things more.

[Timeisahealer]

I had an abortion when I was 15. My parents arranged it for me. I wanted to keep the baby but they threatened to throw me out if I did. I knew deep down that I wasn't really ready. I can clearly remember crying whilst I was sat on the bed at the clinic waiting for the operation and lots of lovely women who were also there waiting came and looked after me and reassured me. I was a mess afterwards for quite a while. I resented my parents for a long time. I got pregnant 2 years later and now have 3DCs.

But that was nearly 30 years ago. It was absolutely the right thing to do at that time. Please give yourself time.

[cookiedoughorbust]

Yes, many years ago at Uni. And I wasn’t too bad with it until last year when he died. He never had children and he really wanted to. It kills me.

[Areyoufree]

I was pushed into having a termination when I was 18. I'd wanted to keep the baby. For years I deeply regretted not being stronger and fighting to keep the baby, but now I see that I didn't have a great deal of choice. I have children now, but I still often think of that first pregnancy.

[Duckyneedsaclean]

thoughtfulthinker talk here if it will help.