To move my 10 year old daughter I to my room?

[FatKatt]

I don't know what else to do.

I am in 3 bedroom terrace. No 2nd room downstairs. Just kitchen and small living room. Corner couch no room for a pull out.

I have 4 children. 3 boys sharing a room. 1 daughter.

I'm in double room. My 3 sons are in double room and my daughter in box room.

My sons fight constantly. The eldest is 14. Then 12. Then 7.

Its mental. They cannot share such a small space.

I am in a housing association property and in the area I am in there is no social housing. The waiting list is HUGE.

There's no point going on the exchange list because everyone wants to move here so any swaps would take us out of the area and I don't drive so need to be close to both schools. Also I have medical needs and need to stay in the postcode to keep my doctor.

Would I be unreasonable to get one of those triple bunks with a double bottom and single top for DD?

I know in a few years she may need some privacy but for now I can't think of anything else.

[angieloumc]

Ah I see your DP is there some of the time, then no it's not a good idea.
I don't think sleeping on a normal sofa is feasible long term either, you'd need a decent sofa bed.

[continuallychargingmyphone]

This won’t be a popular view but I don’t think that’s overcrowded.

I would sleep downstairs.

[Passmethecrisps]

I find it interesting and frustrating that you separate because of pressure - yet you are left with the all of it on your own.

Would you move within your own area? I realise that houses without enough bedrooms are in desperately short supply but if you talked to a housing officer you could maybe consider a differently dimensioned house. One with a living/dining area for example where you could curtain off the dining area and use that as a proper bedroom.

What are the kids like at school? This situation sounds really hard - and not just the bedrooms. I wonder how it is impacting on them generally? School May be able to help you get back on track with better behaviour and routines.

Do any of the kids identify as having a caring role for you? This doesn’t need to even be physically doing anything actually but carrying a weight of worry can be enough. I say this not to make you feel guilty whatsoever but that the young carers organisation can help with giving the kids space, working on coping strategies when they feel stressed and angry etc

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

Do you think any of the bad behaviour is due to confusion from all the changes with their dad coming and going? Being intimate with your ex should be less important than your DCs being secure and comfortable in their own home. Your ex should not be staying over unless he is definitely moving back in.

[Crockof]

@thefairiequeen it's a lot for three boys to share a room

[Streamside]

Maybe the mere suggestion of the 7 year old moving into your bedroom could solve the situation.

[FakeEmpire]

You have to make sacrifices when you have more children than you can afford. And I mean you, not your children. Sofa bed in the living room and bedrooms for them.

[SapatSea]

Is your room the biggest? If so, I would leave your DD in the box room. Then put your eldest son in the next smallest room. Split the biggest room in two (curtain or a mix of sturdy wardrobe/shelves one facing in one out). Your two youngest may still fight but I think you need to tackle that through parenting techniques, sleep hygiene etc. You sleep downstairs, your partner when he stays over will just have to put up with a sofa bed or mattress on the floor.

Declutter and get rid of stuff so that there is more room.

[FatKatt]

Where's this intimacy thing come in?? I was pointing out that the last thing on my mind if my kids were around is that.

Am I really being told that my ex husband of 15 years and the father of my children should be allowed to stay over unless he moves back in??

So mothers aren't allowed to have partners now? They aren't allowed to have relationships unless it's a full blown marriage.

This isn't some strange man in the house. It's their dad 🙄

[SapatSea]

If the 12 and 14 year old get on best then put them together in the split largest room.

[FatKatt]

OK. Am leaving this thread now.

Thanks for the advice.

Will not be coming back to read me getting slated for flouncing or trying to revuild a relationship with my kids dad or being struck down with a dehabilitating illness or being mentally unwell.

Thanks for pointing all those things out.

Have a nice day.

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

I think the thing you need to look it is your sons behaviour.

Sometimes children have to share a room and that's that. Moving him to your room will only temporarily sort that issue. I think you're better trying to sort that problem than play musical bedrooms.

[Passmethecrisps]

Sorry that was maybe me. I am wondering what he is doing to resolve this though? How does he manage their behaviour?

In a clumsy way I was trying to be sympathetic but perhaps making assumptions about your husbands’s role and responsibilities

[Passmethecrisps]

Oh no! Is that to do with me asking about caring roles? No don’t take that badly. You have been unwell and your children act out making it worse for you. You and they need a bit of help was all I was trying to say.

Sorry op!!

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

@FatKatt, I apologise if I’ve upset you but your DCs have had a lot to cope with. It must be confusing with their dad moving out then being around some of the time. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[BeautyWasTheBeast]

Have a look at Murphy/wall beds.... They use a proper mattress and will be more comfortable to sleep on in the long run rather than sofa/sofa bed... You can get some that just look like a cupboard.

[FullOfJellyBeans]

My aunt and uncle had exactly this issue also 3 boys 1 girl. They slept downstairs in a sofa bed. They got used to it and were very clever with furnishing and storage.

[goodwinter]

@Passmethecrisps my youngest brother is 9 and he is involved with young carers due to my mum's (quite severe) mental health issues - your suggestion was a really helpful one imo :) OP must be in a bad place right now but I don't think you said anything out of line.

[AFPH123]

Why do some people have to answer in a way that might upset someone. She was asking for advice not criticism.

[SnapesGreasyHair]

I faced this dilemma when l was getting divorced and was going to potentially loose our home.

I'd already decided that the boys would have the two biggest bedrooms and I'd have the tiny box room - if there was one - or I'd sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge.

Fortunately l was awarded house in the settlement, but l was very prepared to not have a bedroom if it meant the boys were happy.

[anniehm]

Good quality sofa bed downstairs and perhaps your eldest lives with his dad during the week maybe? Or do grandparents live nearby with space? Your 14 year old needs to be prioritised as getting good grades is so important, but getting behaviour under control will help the situation- we had an hour of quiet time (if they didn't have homework they could read or listen to audio books through headphones) to ensure that there was peace and quiet for homework, the library may also be useful of course.

[pootyisabadcat]

You've flounced but I'm with you moving to the sofa in the lounge. Needs must and the kids have to come first.

[Mmmmbrekkie]

I’d move two boys in to largest sized room, then girl in to my room and eldest boy in to box room.

Then I would sleep on sofa bed in lounge. I hardly spend any time in my bedroom anyway.

[Mmmmbrekkie]

Honestly I wonder how these posters get on in real life. Flouncing at really very mild questions / concerns. I just hope they’re better at parenting than they are at discussing issues with adults.

[Decormad38]

Don’t start sleeping on the couch op. I’d move the 7 yr old.