To think some people here make a big deal of stress of being financially responsible?

[cantbearsed1]

I often see on here someone making a comment about the horrendous pressure and stress a man feels if he is financially responsible for his family e.g. woman is a SAHM. I have been financially responsible for my family when my DP was not working for a year because of illness.
AIBU to think this is not a great pressure or very stressful?
I have had very stressful times, but this would not even rate in my top ten.

I have been the sole earner as part of a couple, and the sole earner as a single parent.

Being the sole earner as part of a couple was much more stressful, in my experience.

I don't understand how some people can't understand that different people have different things that they find more or less stressful. It shows a real lack of empathy and understanding imo.

I have been with my DH 12 years and seen him cry in that time probably 4 times. One was the birth of our child 15 months ago. One was about 6 months ago, when I snapped about how hard I was finding being a parent. He literally broke down and said he was doing his absolute most but the pressure was killing him. He’s self employed, and I am one of those stupid people who never thinks or worries about money. I felt awful for the strain he’s been under whilst I’ve just been stressing about how I feel. Trying to change my behaviour a bit now, I really think some do struggle with the responsibility.

I am effectively the sole earner in my family, I earn more than 90% of our household income. I have been for 20 years and I find it exhausting and stressful especially as I am getting older. The risk of redundancy is increasing as I get older.

Surely it's not hard to imagine that your lived experiences aren't the same as everyone else's.

In a stable well paid jobthat you enjoy and are good at it wouldn't be very stressful at all. In other situations it could be very stressful indeed.

I'm the main breadwinner in my family and, as a pp said, I'm beginning find it stressful as I get older. I'd like to do something else with my life before I really am too old - a change of direction - but I feel my hands are tied by the necessity of having to provide for the rest of my family and fear of what will happen if I mess it up.

Too many people on this thread seem to only recognize acute stress, and seem to have little understanding of chronic stress. Generally what people who say being the main breadwinner is stressful are referring to chronic stress - pressure over a longer period of time and which they feel they have little ability to change. There are lots of situations where chronic stress can build up but to assume work isn't one of them is at best naive.

My DP is self-employed, I have spent most of my working life in a series of short-term contracts. Neither of us are particularly well-paid.

Maybe I have just experienced more real stressful situations? Of course losing our house would be stressful if I could not find a job. But I have always been able to find something, even if it is a pretty awful job. But as I said I just count this as the stress of normal adult life.

Real stress has been my DP being seriously ill and at risk of dying. Caring for a terminally ill relative. A relative being murdered. Becoming disabled and worrying I would lose my job and never work again, and thus we would have to sell up and move into rented accommodation and live with the aid of benefits. These are the things that have caused me to stay awake at night stressed out.
Being the sole breadwinner with no redundancy on the horizon really does not figure.

And even during my most stressful life events, I never saw it as an excuse to opt out of family life, treat my family badly, or leave my DP to do all the housework and childcare.

permanentlyexhausted I do recognise that. That is the stress of being an adult.
Maybe it is different for the middle classes because of their heightened expectations? But most of us know that we may spend years in unfulfilling jobs so that we can fund life for our families. It does not mean it is fun and jolly. But it is what being an adult for most of us means. Enjoying work is a bonus. Working to fund our family life is just what you have to do.

What heightened expectations are you talking about?

I work hard. I have worked hard. And worrying about money and the stress of being the only earner keeps me awake at night still.

I mean the expectation that work should be fulfilling and enjoyable. I see that as a bonus. But I work to pay for family life.

I certainly never expected work to be fulfilling.

I think that your perspective is a narrow one and that if you had lived another life you might understand how very very stressful to be the only sole support emotionally and financially for your children is.

Oh dear op.

OK, I give in. Clearly you are a much better human than anyone else, and nobody else that has been stressed due to being the breadwinner has had anything horrible happen to them ever. We all have families that are immortal, for instance. None of us have been affected by people that are close to us having a disability or cancer or motor neurone disease. None of us have experienced not eating for 3 days because we had no money. We all have perfect little lives and so we manufacture stress so we can create some drama.

The stress comes when the whole family's wellbeing including the absolute basics and a secure home is dependent on your job which in itself is so stressful that you are on the brink of a breakdown.

YABVU

Also I imagine you have never worked for an employer whose absence policy is so draconian that seeing to your sick DH too often would get you a warning/ the sack.

There can be a lot of pressure being a breadwinner especially if you have a high stress and insecure job. I am a single parent and my job is stressful, demanding and insecure. I’ve lost it out the blue twice due to economic shocks.

It’s pretty scary a lot of the time and to be honest I think it would be even worse if there was a partner at home not working (well not working out the home and sharing the financial load) and potentially spending and interfering with my financial planning. No one has the right to be supported by someone else but if you have a sahp and break up you could lose your kids too. Which would be really awful.

So I think it’s mean to undermine this role. It can often be really stressful and difficult.

@cantbearsed1 yes, but if two of you are working to pay the bills (which is what DH and I have to do), it would still be horrendous if you lost a job, but you would still have some money coming in. It's not like being a sole breadwinner when if it's not you, there's no money at all.

Families with one sahp have lots of advantages too, but the stress is intense. Often on mn people seem to assume that the working partner 'benefits' from the sahp, but this forum is also full of women who want to jack in their jobs when their partners don't want them to. If my DH did that, I'd be horrified (and sounds like you would too).

Muriel You are totally wrong. I had no paid sick pay and no time of work at all to look after my DP.

But you had a time of both of you working to enable you to have cooker, microwave, sofa, beds, furniture and you could access a loan. Some of us can’t.

There can be a lot of pressure being a breadwinner especially if you have a high stress and insecure job. I am a single parent and my job is stressful, demanding and insecure. I’ve lost it out the blue twice due to economic shocks.

It’s pretty scary a lot of the time and to be honest I think it would be even worse if there was a partner at home not working (well not working out the home and sharing the financial load) and potentially spending and interfering with my financial planning. No one has the right to be supported by someone else but if you have a sahp and break up you could lose your kids too. Which would be really awful.

So I think it’s mean to undermine this role. It can often be really stressful and difficult.

scoutsrus Yes and I have already agreed that your individual circumstances were very stressful.

Well I find being the sole breadwinner stressful, and I don't use it to get out of pulling my weight at home or as an excuse to be unpleasant to my family.
Other people will feel differently though.

Also op you say you don’t earn very much- I would imagine that your jobs are not that stressful and you seem to be able to get new ones no problem: that’s definitely lower stress than a job with a lot of responsibility and advancement. If you are doing an entry level job, no wonder you’re not bothered. Try working in a high pressure environment and get back to us.

I think it totally depends on the circumstances. Neither I nor my DH wouldn't ever be able to cope long term with the pressure and stress of being a sole breadwinner, which is one of the main reasons we both work full time. He has actually just been made redundant after 12 years in a role and it is much less of an immediate disaster for him knowing we still have my salary and it will cover the basics for the foreseeable.

Why is stress a competition?

Things could, for most people, pretty much always be worse somehow. When my father died someone telling me that at least I wasn't an orphan wouldn't have comforted me in the slightest. People aren't somehow pathetic or exaggerating because they are struggling with a situation that you managed to cope with.

You sound petty lacking in empathy OP.

zsas A lot of very false assumptions there. I have a lot of responsibility, a lot of stress. No, it is not an entry-level job. I have trained for this. When I was younger I had no issues getting new jobs. Now in my late fifties, it is very different. And I am disabled. So the truth is I have to work very hard to get new jobs. The job before the one I am in was totally awful. I still can not believe how badly they treated everyone. But I had to stick it out for a year until I managed to get another job - that is how long it took. The company I work for now did a terrible job advert, although they are great. Which is why I think there was less competition for this job.
Seriously try being a late 50's disabled woman and see how easy it is to get another job?
And lots of jobs are very skilled and responsible with relatively low pay.

I love my job. I am the only earner as a single parent.

Every penny has to be accounted for. If I fuxk up at work and lose my job, we are fucked as benefits wont cover the mortgage. It's very stressful.

If I get made redundant. I am fucked. It's a stress that's over me every single day. Its something that's in the back of your head all the time. That the whole family is relying on you and your employer.

But well done you.....you are clearly better than everyone else who does find it stressful.