To think some people here make a big deal of stress of being financially responsible?

[cantbearsed1]

I often see on here someone making a comment about the horrendous pressure and stress a man feels if he is financially responsible for his family e.g. woman is a SAHM. I have been financially responsible for my family when my DP was not working for a year because of illness.
AIBU to think this is not a great pressure or very stressful?
I have had very stressful times, but this would not even rate in my top ten.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

If you hated your job, or your workplace was unpleasant, or your job was insecure (contract to contract), or your salary didn't meet the family's outgoings, and there was no visible prospect of the other parent resuming work, then I imagine it would be very stressful.

In my case (single parent) it's not stressful at all because my job is secure, my salary is adequate, I can work 3 days, and I enjoy it and like my colleagues too.

Totally depends on the circumstances.

[Lweji]

Fair enough. :) Although the context was of having huge outgoings leading to stress
You still seem to have a huge chip there.
Of course people living on low paychecks week to week will feel the stress more. This thread is not about actual financial difficulties.

[amazingbanana]

YABU to think it's not stressful. I'm a lone parent and the burden of being the sole financial provider weighs heavily on my mind! It's a constant nagging.

If you're in a well paid job maybe it's a bit different, there might be less worry involved.

If you're in a lower paid job, or a stressful job it's an entirely different matter.

Not everyone's life experience is the same. You might handle it ok but does not mean someone else doesn't find it tough or have a difficult situation. Try to have a bit of empathy.

[G5000]

DH was not working. I had a totally crazy boss that made me cry every second day. But of course I could not just quit, as we depended on the income. And I couldn't even complain as I could not afford to be fired. While the job paid well, it is quite a niche one, so not like I could simply walk into another one either.
And yes, our lifestyle was matching the income - but I don't get why it should not be therefore stressful. We can't afford our mortgage if we're both on benefits. Wouldn't it be stressful if you have to sell your children's home because you can't hold on to your job?
Yes, it was a teeny tiny bit stressful.

[Lweji]

This:
And yes this post about the common comments of a man who is the only paid worker in a family, and either does nothing at home or is an arse. Someone always excuses it by talking about the so called horrendous pressure of being the breadwinner.
and YANBU.

[PCohle]

Congratulations on not finding it stressful OP, other people do.

You sound patronising and smug.

[rightreckoner]

As a single parent, I agree with you OP. Providing for your family is part of being a grown up and unless you have some sort of disability or illness, it is just what you have to do.

No one asks me if I’m stressed as a result of providing for my family

[Spiderbanana]

Interestingly, although DH earns far more than I do, I have all the mental load of our finances.

We have 1 bank account and each month I give him cash for his spending money (an amount we both agree to based on our budget) and I sort everything else.

I manage all of our money and find solutions to any financial problems we may have.

I don't know whether one of us has more stress than the other but he is good at earning money and I am good at managing it. We both work to our strengths.

[Lweji]

As a single parent now and effectively sole bread winner since DS was born, I am still able to be fairly pleasant at home and spend time with my child.
I have very little sympathy for men who think that they can be excused from being decent partners and good parents just because they're sole earners. And even less sympathy for people who excuse them.

[HotpotLawyer]

I am utterly miserable in my job atm , and may well lose it soon - at a very difficult age for a woman to find a new job in my field. It is a high pressure job anyway, with long hours and few perks, but because of particular circumstances it is extra-stressful.

The responsibility is weighing vey very heavily because DH has had to start a faltering freelance employment (thanks Brexit!) and may not make enough money to pay tax this year.

I feel an immense strain in supporting the household and worrying about the forthcoming Uni years, and not having enough for retirement if my last years before the state pension kicks in are on Jobseekers.

I haven't felt stressed or a strain over this when things were going well, but now I do.

[thedisorganisedmum]

AIBU to think this is not a great pressure or very stressful?

yes, of course YABU

You might not feel the pressure, but others do. We all work for money, but it's not the same at all when you are responsible for your entire family. I have been the sole breadwinner, and it does put pressure. Any threat of redundancy is a real one, if your job becomes a nightmare, you can't just slam the door and leave. if you are ill for more than a few days, your whole family will go in trouble very quickly.

I wonder if this is the mindset of more privileged people who are not used to having to depend on each paycheck?
unless you have a trust fund, you all depend on each paycheck. You might have 2 or 3 months worth of savings, but that's nothing really.

it's not about dividing chores! But if one partner works full time and the other doesn't, then yes, in real life it's fair for the full time one not to deal with half the housework and childcare. Posters opinion greatly vary if the SAH parent is male or female.

[PCohle]

Surely whether or not a situation is capable of being stressful is a separate issue from whether it's ok to take that stress out on those around you or use it as an excuse not to participate in family life.

[MQv2]

Not nearly as overblown as the stress of meal planning and passport renewals

[Lweji]

But if one partner works full time and the other doesn't, then yes, in real life it's fair for the full time one not to deal with half the housework and childcare.

Nobody asks them to. Only when they are at home. Working away from home is no excuse to sit on your arse all weekend.

[Scoutsrus]

I’m still a single parent and still the sole breadwinner.

It’s completely different stress wise to when I had nothing, no beds just mattresses on the floor, not enough money go go around and robbing Peter to pay Paul every week and was worrying about £2.53 on the meter to do until Thursday when I got paid.

It is stressful. It is difficult. And this op is insensitive and just blind to what financial stress can be like.

The heat went off as soon as the kids went to bed and I went to bed. I have never been so cold. It was the winter of 2010 iirc and I froze. Had to run the car to get to work (no public transport to do that and get the kids to school) and had to budget to my last pound. Literally the last pound.

That’s what worrying about money and financial stress as the op describes of being the only breadwinner means to me.

[Scoutsrus]

And the times I snapped at my kids were when I was already stressed to the max and they needed something like money for dress up day or complained about the food I was serving or said they were cold and I couldn’t do anything about it because i hadn’t the money and I already felt terrible as it was for all they couldn’t have or do.

[JacquesHammer]

As a single parent now and effectively sole bread winner since DS was born, I am still able to be fairly pleasant at home and spend time with my child.
I have very little sympathy for men who think that they can be excused from being decent partners and good parents just because they're sole earners. And even less sympathy for people who excuse them

Good post

[Snog]

I think your OP is badly phrased.
It is often highly stressful to be the sole breadwinner but clearly this is not the same as asking if it is a valid excuse not to do childcare and household chores!

[mirime]

"I don't think it is "stressful" to support a family, in the sense that you know it is going to happen, you have a good idea of the costs/budgets etc. involved.
I could see where it might become stressful if there is a sudden loss of earnings due to ill-health, accident, unemployment, but surely the majority of people budget?"

I'm constantly budgeting. Doesn't help with the fact that where DH works could go into administration at any time and he could lose his job and in the meantime he's often working over his hours, unpaid and with the vague promise of having the time back later, and missing breaks as he's one of only a handful of people in the place who can do his job. All for not much more than minimum wage.

We have a shitload of other stuff going on as well (which means we're going to have bugger all savings, BUT our outgoings will decrease) so have decided at the moment it's better to hang on in there and get the redundancy if the worst happens (and realistically it's going to in the foreseeable future, though who knows? They may get bought out, though I'd expect wages and working conditions to get worse), he has some plans for what he'd do in then and we could, barely, scrape by on my wage for a bit while those were put into action.

So yes, we are stressed.

[Scoutsrus]

“I don't think it is "stressful" to support a family, in the sense that you know it is going to happen, you have a good idea of the costs/budgets etc. involved.
I could see where it might become stressful if there is a sudden loss of earnings due to ill-health, accident, unemployment, but surely the majority of people budget?"

How was I supposed to budget for having to leave my abusive ex when he controlled all the money?

[WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue]

YABVU. Just because you don’t find something stressful doesn’t mean others don’t.

Your experience is not the same as someone else’s experience.

[Springisallaround]

I get what you are saying- there's nothing intrinsically stressful about being someone who works a job, gets paid and the family depend fully on that money. I've done this all my life and don't find it stressful per se- but do when the job is uncertain/I was on contract jobs or if I thought I was about to lose my job.

Just being a responsible person who pays for your family to live is just a normal everyday thing to me, but there are ways in which the stress can ramp up, if you hate your job or are in unstable employment for some reason. But I don't feel sorry for people working f/t to support their family intrinsically, no.

[Crazycrazylady]

I am a worry wart about money . We both have good jobs but have big mortgage etc so we don't have that much disposable income left after everything is paid. Theoretically we could probably survive on one salary but it would be hand to mouth and I would be a ball of stress worrying about the inevitable car breakdown etc that we wouldn't be able to afford.
Whoever I read a post from someone who is angry that they want to give up work and their partner doesn't want them to, I completely get it. I would hate to have the whole financial responsibility for the family on my shoulders only. Sometimes the 'lord doesn't provide'.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

Well I’m the sole earner for my family and yes I do find it extremely stressful

[goingonabearhunt1]

I don't understand this AIBU. How is being the breadwinner not stressful? I find the worry of paying for everything stressful and I'm not even supporting anyone. There's always a danger of losing a job/getting ill/something else going wrong. I've always been someone who's very financially cautious though, maybe some ppl just don't worry about these things (I find that a bit hard to believe though).