To think some people here make a big deal of stress of being financially responsible?

[cantbearsed1]

I often see on here someone making a comment about the horrendous pressure and stress a man feels if he is financially responsible for his family e.g. woman is a SAHM. I have been financially responsible for my family when my DP was not working for a year because of illness.
AIBU to think this is not a great pressure or very stressful?
I have had very stressful times, but this would not even rate in my top ten.

[MitziK]

He wasn't always like this - he was working fulltime in a good paying job with almost ironclad security.

But then along came Mental Illness, a complete breakdown followed by mostly anxiety and depression with self harm, failed self employment due to the mental illness, then just being generally shit at interviews with a big gap on his CV (just a couple of weeks here and there where he's promptly had a relapse) and the ever present threat of getting ill again. Oh, and several months spent looking after his father when he had a series of strokes aged 65. And the resulting anxiety and depression because his Dad has gone from extremely fit and physically active and extremely controlling to a doddery little old man overnight with a lingering worry of him having a further stroke that kills him or renders him without mental capacity.

Medication made him worse (sleeping 22 - 34 hours a 'day' and when he was actually up, not making the slightest bit of sense), counselling can't work when he goes mute and won't leave the house, ripping his head off and telling him he's taking the piss just leads to another episode.



It's a sore subject, which is why somebody moaning about how it can't possibly be stressful to carry all the weight of financial responsibility really riles me up. It's shit to know there is somebody else there who could, in just getting some form of work, take the pressure off but they either can't or won't.

No amount of doing the washing up or making a cup of tea can ever make up for the sleepless nights or the knowledge that once you limp down the road to work in a job you hate and is making your own disability worse, there is a good chance they'll go back to bed or you'll come home from work to find them laying down in front of the telly because they're 'tired' ('What the fuck have you done to be tired?' is my unspoken question. It's certainly not cleaning the fucking house properly, because I have to do that when I get in from work/at weekends/on days off).


Meh. Just don't anybody try and tell me it's not stressful.

[goingonabearhunt1]

I wouldn't ever want to be the only one working outside the home (that's just how I personally feel about it, obv what everyone else does is up to them).

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Of course it is stressful. You could lose your job at any point, even if you are very good at it, due to any number of reasons.

You could also be hit by a bus, get cancer, get mugged, have your house burn down at any point but it doesn't make you permanently stressed.

Not enough people have insurances or savings to mitigate, even those who can well afford it.

[Orangecookie]

It all depends on thr dynamic I think. ExDP and I are still living together, he has a high powered job, I’m sahm. If he shared the finances with me and put me on the mortgage I would feel valued as the sahm. It’s pretty stressful being the sahm in my case.

It’s the same, if a working parent is huffing around obsessed with their own stress, discounting the home parent, that’s pretty selfish and vice versa.

Interestingly for me I’ve found both being the main earner and the sahm very very stressful. And being a single parent, working full time not as stressful. As both times it’s been the other partner being very unequal sharing the burdens and rewards.

[LaurieMarlow]

. Mitzi you are in such a tough situation and I hope there’s an end in sight.

Why is your partner not working?

[MurielBennett]

💐 Mitzi I hope things improve for you.

[MitziK]

Thanks, @Scoutsrus .

I dream of it easing off, but it's been five and a half years now - I genuinely think I'll be dead long before then.

[Scoutsrus]

Mitzi 💐

That’s exactly how I feel. It’s just relentless. And things are infinitely better for me now.

Hugs.

[MitziK]

I'm the sole earner in the house.

It steals my sleep, it takes away my enjoyment of meals, it makes me think carefully whether it's more important to be warm or to be cold but know the bills will be covered.

I inwardly cringe when I'm given a meal that contains three ingredients that could be used in separate meals. My heart drops when I go into the kitchen and see he's cooked more than we need of something that isn't suitable for freezing and I get really annoyed at finding half a packet of something left open and not sealed and put back in the fridge. I found flour moths had got into the cupboards where he hadn't decanted ingredients into glass jars - I had to throw out everything because I found them inside the bags - and I cried.

I'm waiting for the results of a redundancy consultation at work. I feel sick with fear that I'm going to be out of work in just over six weeks.

If I get ill or made redundant, there is nobody taking up the slack. I have no choice about staying in the job unless I can get something else in the meantime. I can't physically do my job anymore - it causes me pain every single day. And it's massively stressful, thanks to the 'Oh, we all work unpaid overtime, it's what we do' pressure. But the illness and the pain means I'm not anywhere near as employable as somebody twenty years younger who has none of those problems.

If I 'fail' or can't take any more, we're fucked. Homeless, hungry, cold. It's all on me. When the cooker stopped working, I had to decide whether that was more important than the gas bill. (It wasn't). It's my problem that the microwave is worn out and unsafe. It's my problem if we run out of toilet roll. It's my problem if one of us needs a prescription, bus fare, a pair of socks or shoes resoling.

I have two pairs of knickers because the others have worn out. He has four pairs of boxers (I finally put my foot down about the two pairs that were so knackered, they looked more like loincloths). We share socks and shoes because we're the same size. I've had no choice but to buy some clothes and shoes suitable for interviews, as I look like shit. but I'm too scared to wear them in the meantime in case they get damaged, so I'm still in the one remaining pair of work suitable trousers where the seam has been repaired so many times, it blisters my inner thigh. I need new glasses, an eye test and dental treatment, but none of these things are happening because a) I can't afford to do anything about them and b) I can't afford to take the time off in any case.

If I earned a fuckton, perhaps I wouldn't be quite so worried (or as tatty). But it would still be my entire responsibility to keep that job.


The responsibility pervades every aspect of my life. It's all on me.


So yeah, it's pretty fucking stressful, actually.

[Frenchmontana]

I love my job. I am the only earner as a single parent.

Every penny has to be accounted for. If I fuxk up at work and lose my job, we are fucked as benefits wont cover the mortgage. It's very stressful.

If I get made redundant. I am fucked. It's a stress that's over me every single day. Its something that's in the back of your head all the time. That the whole family is relying on you and your employer.

But well done you.....you are clearly better than everyone else who does find it stressful.

[cantbearsed1]

zsas A lot of very false assumptions there. I have a lot of responsibility, a lot of stress. No, it is not an entry-level job. I have trained for this. When I was younger I had no issues getting new jobs. Now in my late fifties, it is very different. And I am disabled. So the truth is I have to work very hard to get new jobs. The job before the one I am in was totally awful. I still can not believe how badly they treated everyone. But I had to stick it out for a year until I managed to get another job - that is how long it took. The company I work for now did a terrible job advert, although they are great. Which is why I think there was less competition for this job.
Seriously try being a late 50's disabled woman and see how easy it is to get another job?
And lots of jobs are very skilled and responsible with relatively low pay.

[PCohle]

Why is stress a competition?

Things could, for most people, pretty much always be worse somehow. When my father died someone telling me that at least I wasn't an orphan wouldn't have comforted me in the slightest. People aren't somehow pathetic or exaggerating because they are struggling with a situation that you managed to cope with.

You sound petty lacking in empathy OP.

[coffeeforone]

I think it totally depends on the circumstances. Neither I nor my DH wouldn't ever be able to cope long term with the pressure and stress of being a sole breadwinner, which is one of the main reasons we both work full time. He has actually just been made redundant after 12 years in a role and it is much less of an immediate disaster for him knowing we still have my salary and it will cover the basics for the foreseeable.

[zsazsajuju]

Also op you say you don’t earn very much- I would imagine that your jobs are not that stressful and you seem to be able to get new ones no problem: that’s definitely lower stress than a job with a lot of responsibility and advancement. If you are doing an entry level job, no wonder you’re not bothered. Try working in a high pressure environment and get back to us.

[DrDreReturns]

Well I find being the sole breadwinner stressful, and I don't use it to get out of pulling my weight at home or as an excuse to be unpleasant to my family.
Other people will feel differently though.

[cantbearsed1]

scoutsrus Yes and I have already agreed that your individual circumstances were very stressful.

[zsazsajuju]

There can be a lot of pressure being a breadwinner especially if you have a high stress and insecure job. I am a single parent and my job is stressful, demanding and insecure. I’ve lost it out the blue twice due to economic shocks.

It’s pretty scary a lot of the time and to be honest I think it would be even worse if there was a partner at home not working (well not working out the home and sharing the financial load) and potentially spending and interfering with my financial planning. No one has the right to be supported by someone else but if you have a sahp and break up you could lose your kids too. Which would be really awful.

So I think it’s mean to undermine this role. It can often be really stressful and difficult.

[Scoutsrus]

But you had a time of both of you working to enable you to have cooker, microwave, sofa, beds, furniture and you could access a loan. Some of us can’t.

[cantbearsed1]

Muriel You are totally wrong. I had no paid sick pay and no time of work at all to look after my DP.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

@cantbearsed1 yes, but if two of you are working to pay the bills (which is what DH and I have to do), it would still be horrendous if you lost a job, but you would still have some money coming in. It's not like being a sole breadwinner when if it's not you, there's no money at all.

Families with one sahp have lots of advantages too, but the stress is intense. Often on mn people seem to assume that the working partner 'benefits' from the sahp, but this forum is also full of women who want to jack in their jobs when their partners don't want them to. If my DH did that, I'd be horrified (and sounds like you would too).

[zsazsajuju]

There can be a lot of pressure being a breadwinner especially if you have a high stress and insecure job. I am a single parent and my job is stressful, demanding and insecure. I’ve lost it out the blue twice due to economic shocks.

It’s pretty scary a lot of the time and to be honest I think it would be even worse if there was a partner at home not working (well not working out the home and sharing the financial load) and potentially spending and interfering with my financial planning. No one has the right to be supported by someone else but if you have a sahp and break up you could lose your kids too. Which would be really awful.

So I think it’s mean to undermine this role. It can often be really stressful and difficult.

[MurielBennett]

Also I imagine you have never worked for an employer whose absence policy is so draconian that seeing to your sick DH too often would get you a warning/ the sack.

[MurielBennett]

The stress comes when the whole family's wellbeing including the absolute basics and a secure home is dependent on your job which in itself is so stressful that you are on the brink of a breakdown.

YABVU

[GottenGottenGotten]

Oh dear op.

OK, I give in. Clearly you are a much better human than anyone else, and nobody else that has been stressed due to being the breadwinner has had anything horrible happen to them ever. We all have families that are immortal, for instance. None of us have been affected by people that are close to us having a disability or cancer or motor neurone disease. None of us have experienced not eating for 3 days because we had no money. We all have perfect little lives and so we manufacture stress so we can create some drama.

[Scoutsrus]

I certainly never expected work to be fulfilling.

I think that your perspective is a narrow one and that if you had lived another life you might understand how very very stressful to be the only sole support emotionally and financially for your children is.