To think some people here make a big deal of stress of being financially responsible?

[cantbearsed1]

I often see on here someone making a comment about the horrendous pressure and stress a man feels if he is financially responsible for his family e.g. woman is a SAHM. I have been financially responsible for my family when my DP was not working for a year because of illness.
AIBU to think this is not a great pressure or very stressful?
I have had very stressful times, but this would not even rate in my top ten.

[Lweji]

The point of the OP was this:
I often see on here someone making a comment about the horrendous pressure and stress a man feels if he is financially responsible for his family

Such comments are often made without knowing much about the specific situation of that man's job and usually to excuse poor behaviour on his part.

Of course there are situations where finances or jobs are sources of stress, but I think the OP was referring mainly to threads where's no indication of such stress.

[Scoutsrus]

This thread feels like a dig at me and what I said on another thread just this morning.

[Lweji]

What thread? Can't find it.

The OP specified it was about comments about men who are financially responsible.
Have you excused a male single earner for poor behaviour lately?

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

Surely everyone can understand that different people find different situations stressful? Personally, I would find it very stressful being the only earner in the family. I would worry about what would happen to us if I lost my job and struggle to maintain any kind of work/life balance due to feeling under pressure to exceed expectations/targets in order to minimise that risk. Other people would be able to put those worries to one side and crack on without thinking about it too much.

I also think it depends on your partner and their attitude to money. If you are the only breadwinner but have a sensible DP who is good with money then that's very different to being the only breadwinner with a DP at home who is financially irresponsible and spends money like water. I have a friend who is a SAHM who is constantly complaining that her DH "doesn't earn enough" and pressuring him to spend money on a new kitchen, car, expensive holidays etc that they can't afford. When he gently suggested that she could consider going back to work to help pay for those things if they're important to her she hit the roof. I'd say his life is pretty stressful.

[IDontWantToBuildASnowman]

I think stress levels also depend on how far there is to fall should the "breadwinner" be suddenly unable to work from illness or redundancy.

Often higher earners will be supporting bigger mortgages, higher outgoings, school fees etc, and even with the best budgeting it is impossible to have a rainy day fund large enough to keep you going at that level forever, and benefits wouldn't even touch the sides. That can be a hugely stressful situation to be in, especially if you know that alternative jobs at the same level are very very hard to find.

Compare this to a situation where the breadwinner is earning an OK wage in a fairly low skilled job, and where benefits would pick up a good chunk of that if it suddenly wasn't coming in. Still not wonderful to loose the job and wage, but unlikely you would be selling your home, pulling kids out of school and generally seeing a complete unpicking of the life you know.

But as someone else pointed out, its all largely irrelevant and down to the individuals response to the situation they are in. What you find easy someone else could find super stressful, and vice versa.

[JaneEyre07]

We had a similar conversation a few weeks ago. DH has been the breadwinner, I've raised our family and looked after the home. He said he's never felt pressured, but he's incredibly sensible with money (own business) and we've never overstretched ourselves financially. He has a good pension, we have a large savings pot and yes we could live in a bigger house, have had more DC etc but we've always stayed within our comfort zone.

I think pressure only comes in when you are living a rich man's life on a pauper's wage.

[Lweji]

Often higher earners will be supporting bigger mortgages, higher outgoings, school fees etc, and even with the best budgeting it is impossible to have a rainy day fund large enough to keep you going at that level forever, and benefits wouldn't even touch the sides.

Because they want to.... nobody will be forcing them to have a bigger house or a more expensive car or to put their children in private education.

[Scoutsrus]

I certainly wasn’t living a rich life on a pauper wage.

I earned NMW. I had a week to week contract never knew I’d be in work the next week until Friday at 4. Couldn’t get a permanent role. No holidays not even days out.

That statement is massively offensive.

[RiddleyW]

I am the main breadwinner and I find it stressful at times. I have to maintain a job at this level and I do find the responsibility quite difficult. I also find the lack of opportunity to do something else a bit of a bind although I normally do enjoy my job.

[IDontWantToBuildASnowman]

Of course not Lweji, they choose to have all these things as a consequence of having a higher salary. Everyone lives to their means. It's normal. Doesn't mean that just because they can afford it now that it would not be devastating for them and their family to have it all pulled away, and the possibility that could happen can be very very scary for people. People with money are still people, with feelings, and can be hurt just like people who have less. It does not lessen their pain.

[Waveysnail]

Iv been sole wage earner while dh was a sahd. It is pressure and stress, like constant weight on your shoulders. Imagine be worse if your spouse didn't share financial ethics

[Orangecookie]

Yes I agree. I used to be very sympathetic to exDP who has a very high powered stressful job. I’m sahm with SN child and unable to work. However he definitely loves his job, works long hours partly to avoid childcare, and lies in every weekend. We are not married so he pays the mortgage, house in his name, holds the finances. He moans about the strain but on social media put how much he loves Monday’s.

I’ve asked if we could swap roles and he, of course, he said No.

I can’t wait to get to work myself as soon as I can.

[mrsm43s]

@Lweji
Because they want to.... nobody will be forcing them to have a bigger house or a more expensive car or to put their children in private education.

Actually, from my experience, quite often the non-working partner puts a lot of pressure on and expects the worker to find the money for all these things.

[HollowTalk]

Single parent. Temporary contract week to week. Min wage. No savings. Starting from scratch with nothing. (Domestic abuse). No maintenance.

Anyone who didn't find that stressful would be insane.

I hope things improve for you, @scoutsrus.

[Lweji]

Everyone lives to their means. It's normal.

Up to a point and not "everyone". If your outgoings are such that you're stressed at work, then maybe the solution is to reduce your outgoings instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses.
People with this mentality tend to get more stress and more financial problems in the end.
But, not everyone is like that.

[thecatsthecats]

Because they want to.... nobody will be forcing them to have a bigger house or a more expensive car or to put their children in private education.

Agreed. My husband and I are quite easily financially stressed, and we live a lifestyle far less than what other people might choose to on our income.

We vastly prefer to save our money, have a decent home, second hand cars and wouldn't dream of private school.

[Scoutsrus]

How was I supposed to reduce my outgoings? FFS.

[Lweji]

That statement is massively offensive.

Which? Mine? Why do you think it applies to you if you were not in a high salary?

[Lweji]

Perhaps you should read posts more carefully and take that chip off your shoulder.
It's not about you, Scoutsrus.

[Scoutsrus]

No Lweji the statement about rich life and pauper wage, as I said in my post.

[Scoutsrus]

Maybe you should do the same Lweji. Read my post in its entirety.

[cantbearsed1]

Of course individual situations may be stressful because there are additional factors. But when only I was earning, we would have lost our house if I was not working. I did not enjoy my job, but am used to the fact that I have to work for money. Of course if redundancy was on the horizon that would have been enormously stressful. But it was not. It was as secure as most other jobs i.e. no redundancy on the horizon, but not terribly secure.
And anyone who thinks benefits would cover costs of anyone working is being very optimistic. We have a mortgage, benefits do not cover that.
And yes this post about the common comments of a man who is the only paid worker in a family, and either does nothing at home or is an arse. Someone always excuses it by talking about the so called horrendous pressure of being the breadwinner.

[acciocat]

A bit of a pointless OP (at best) and possibly offensive (at worst.)

Depends on so many variables.

Personally I would hate to shoulder financial the whole responsibility for a family; I think it’s a massive pressure. Fortunately I’ve never had to do it because Dh has always earned too. But there were times many years back when interest rates went through the roof, when both our incomes were essential and that was stressful enough. I also earned slightly more at that point and was very conscious of the pressure. When the kids were small (pre school age) i worked only 3 days a week which I considered a real privilege; far easier than working full time and carrying more financial responsibility

[acciocat]

financially

[Purplecatshopaholic]

I love my job. Just as well as I have been the main earner for many years. Husband has always been appalling with money and I just let it go (yes, I know, more the fool me)! Recently he cheated and left - saved me the bother of dumping him. I am so much better off (literally, in all senses) without the twat!