To not send DD back to school?

[MumInTheCity]

DD is 13 and in year 8. Throughout primary school she was happy, intelligent, sociable but could be quite anxious. Since starting secondary school she has been extremely unhappy and her anxiety is through the roof. It’s been getting worse and worse since the beginning of year 8, mainly due to low level bullying. DD hasn’t really made any friends at school, she says none of the children like her, they all try to avoid being anywhere near her, they exclude her and they argue over who has to sit next to her or stand near her in the line.

DD’s anxiety became so bad that she started to self harm and talk about suicide. I have had endless meetings at the school, involvement with social services, CAHMS, and various other services. I have been as cooperative as possible, but nothing has changed.

Last week DD confessed, after much coaxing, that the bullying had stepped up a gear. She detailed some incidents of name calling, her being humiliated in front of a big group who all laughed along, and showed me some memes on her phone which had been sent round about her, criticising her appearance mainly.

DD is absolutely terrified of going back now that she has told me all of this. She says now that she’s told on them she will be bullied even worse and beaten up by them. The schools response has been to tell me that teenage girls are horrible and DD needs to learn more resilience. That the bullies will continue as DD is giving them the reaction they want (crying and being distressed.) As far as I’m aware, no action has been taken against the bullies.

In light of this, I do not want DD to go back there. I can’t put her through it and I no longer trust the school to safeguard her adequately. I have completed an in year admission form for other schools but there are no places available right now.

I’m not sure what will happen if I just keep her at home for the time being? Can I get in trouble? And AIBU for refusing to send her back?

[DobbinsVeil]

It would be wise to follow up calls and meetings with an email, summarising what was discussed for "the sake of good order". You can than include the statements made about resilience etc. I would expect an immediate back-track but a paper trail may well be something you very much need if relations with school break down.

[ladylunchalot]

Op, totally agree with all the other posts to keep your dd off. Shocking how some schools tackle (using the word very loosely) bullying.

I've experienced the same with both dd (12) and ds (10). Dd started high school last year (we're in Scotland so slightly different system) and after 2.5 weeks we pulled her out due to bullying. It was the same kids from primary school who'd been friendly at times and then would turn on her, and it was all kicking off again. I hoped that the high school would tackle it but they were worse than useless. I contacted my old high school (Catholic school) who made an appointment for us to view it the next day. We visited and loved it and dd started the following week. She only knew 2 other people there so it was daunting. I can honestly say it's been the making of her as she loves it. I'm so glad we pulled her out of the other school as she was being slowly dragged further and further down.

Op, your dd's mental health and wellbeing are far more important than any school so you are definitely making the right choice and your dd will be glad you're in her corner.

[zeeboo]

Remove her and move her. My daughter wasn't bullied but she had no real friends at secondary and was miserable. The school did nothing to help and I let my dd talk me into letting her stay there because she liked the teachers and it's proximity to home. By the time she did Alevels she was on anti depressants and only leaving the house to go to school or if I was taking her somewhere.
Please nip this in the bud now for your daughter. X

[DishingOutDone]

BTW OP wondered if you wanted to have a look at this thread and join us over here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3379730-Parents-of-anxious-kids-teens-support-thread

[OnlyLittleMissOrganised]

I would suggest in your meeting asking if you can record it so you have a record of what they have said. Also it means if you need to complain about the way staff have handled the case you have evidence. So please get everything recorded and/or in writing.

I hope you get everything sorted for your daughter! Please let us know.

[disneyspendingmoney]

Marking my place so I can read later

[IHateUncleJamie]

The school sounds like it’s handling it terribly badly. Apologies if I’ve missed it but have you gone above the Head of Year? I agree with not sending her in but I think you should definitely phone in on Monday and say your dd is refusing to go in due to persistent and increasing bullying.

As an aside, does your dd have any hobbies/interests like sport, dance, drama or music? Not only can these be very therapeutic for anxiety, they are great for making friends outside school and who have the same interests as each other.

My dd suffers from anxiety and while she was never bullied, she did need therapy for several MH issues. Her extra curricular activities (dance, music and county choir) gave her three different friendship groups and she found that invaluable when going through some very tough situations.

[NutElla5x]

I would not send her back to a school that cares so little about your child's welfare op. I think it's terrible that they expect your daughter to change (as if it's as easy as that ffs) rather than her tormentors,and would be telling the school that via a formal written complaint and explain that she will not be returning to school until the appropriate action is taken to stop the bullying! Good luck op

[Mumofaprinny]

It sounds terrible and the schools wouldn’t know what hit it if it was me going in there tomorrow.😡 and no, I certainly wouldn’t be sending her back.

[Helentwinsplus1]

We went through this in primary. We moved 3 miles over the summer and she point blank refused to go back. The LEA tried to persuade me to get a highly anxious, school refusing 10 year old to travel 40 minutes on a bus to school (bus goes on a conveluted route). I applied to 7 schools but none of them had space for her.

The head teacher of her old school suddenly got involved, contacted other schools on our behalf and we got her into the most amazing school who in only a year turned my daughter's life around.

She's now in high school. It's not been total plain sailing but the school have been amazing. If we've had issues they've been on it straight away. We've had a total of 2 days school refusal.

It might be worth seeing if you can access protocol in your area that she might qualify under. This ensures vulnerable groups get a chance of getting school places. This includes children with medical conditions and children out of education for more than 2 months. I don't fully know how it works so it's best taking further advice. A GPs letter or a letter from camhs might help here.

Not fine in school is definitely a good place to start. It's a horrible situation to be in, devastating for you and her so please be kind to yourself :)