To not send DD back to school?

[MumInTheCity]

DD is 13 and in year 8. Throughout primary school she was happy, intelligent, sociable but could be quite anxious. Since starting secondary school she has been extremely unhappy and her anxiety is through the roof. It’s been getting worse and worse since the beginning of year 8, mainly due to low level bullying. DD hasn’t really made any friends at school, she says none of the children like her, they all try to avoid being anywhere near her, they exclude her and they argue over who has to sit next to her or stand near her in the line.

DD’s anxiety became so bad that she started to self harm and talk about suicide. I have had endless meetings at the school, involvement with social services, CAHMS, and various other services. I have been as cooperative as possible, but nothing has changed.

Last week DD confessed, after much coaxing, that the bullying had stepped up a gear. She detailed some incidents of name calling, her being humiliated in front of a big group who all laughed along, and showed me some memes on her phone which had been sent round about her, criticising her appearance mainly.

DD is absolutely terrified of going back now that she has told me all of this. She says now that she’s told on them she will be bullied even worse and beaten up by them. The schools response has been to tell me that teenage girls are horrible and DD needs to learn more resilience. That the bullies will continue as DD is giving them the reaction they want (crying and being distressed.) As far as I’m aware, no action has been taken against the bullies.

In light of this, I do not want DD to go back there. I can’t put her through it and I no longer trust the school to safeguard her adequately. I have completed an in year admission form for other schools but there are no places available right now.

I’m not sure what will happen if I just keep her at home for the time being? Can I get in trouble? And AIBU for refusing to send her back?

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

There is no way in a million years that my child would go back into that environment. If I was in a position to, I would withdraw her and home educate/'deschool' for a while for a while. Then decide whether she wants to try another school or not.

[ImaLumberJack]

Are you tied to living where you do? A completely fresh start and a more rural location might help?

[tensmum1964]

I agree with other posters. Please don't tolerate the teacher effectively trying to blame your daughter for being bullied. Don't send her back, it will destroy her. I know home schooling isn't always an option for a lot of people but I would rather do that for a few years than send her back in to a hostile environment.

[ForalltheSaints]

I cannot see your DD going back there and I think you have done the right thing in applying to other schools.

[pointythings]

That's incredibly poor of the school. I wouldn't be sending her back there - if at all possible find her somewhere else. I'm on board with supporting her and building resilience, but that doesn't mean excusing what's going on here.

It happened to DD1 in Yr9 at her school - the difference was that once she got up the strength to report it, the school cracked down incredibly hard on the bullies and it stopped.

[MumInTheCity]

Thank you for your kind responses, I feel a lot better knowing others would do the same. I intend to keep her at home and do my best at homeschooling her for the time being. I have been advised not to deregister her and to keep in regular contact with the school, as doing otherwise may impact her getting into a new school.

Dishing- thank you for those links, I will definitely have a look. I am in touch with IASS who have been really great, they have helped me pick apart the schools anti bullying policy and identify what they should be doing according to their own policies and procedures which I will bring up in the meeting tomorrow.

Moving areas is not an option, we are both settled and secure here with a fantastic support system. Neither of us would want to move away from that.

[CarolDanvers]

GPs can’t sign people off from school. They can write a letter of support for which they can charge as it is not an NHS service.

Yes they can. Mine did repeatedly for DS, until we got a suitable school place. It didn't work out and he's home educated now but they certainly were able to and did for almost a year.

[namechanger2019]

If you don't want to send her back write a letter to the school saying you are deregistering her with immediate effect and you will be electively home educating her. You can then put her on the waiting list for other schools or HE if you want to. I wouldn't send her back either. Good luck.

[namechanger2019]

Just seen your last post... deregistering her shouldn't stop you applying for other schools. We recently put one of our children back in school after HE and it wasn't a problem at all.

[FindPrimeLorca]

London schools are often oversubscribed but they also have a lot of churn, so the chances of a random space coming up are high. And less popular schools may still have spaces. Better a less fashionable school than one that’s actively damaging her so badly.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Support posts above that say you have been advised incorrectly about HE. You can deregister your child and wait for a place to come up in your chosen school. It is the same "in year application to transfer".

If you do not deregister, then you need to be clear with the school that you have an agreed way forward, as she is still registered with them and they can enforce fines etc. Though if the GP supports your claim that she is too ill to attend, they might struggle.

I hope the meeting at the current school goes well, and that all parties agree the appropriate way forward. I would suggest that it any further comments are made such as your child should not be reacting to the bullies, that you request that they put these in writing or retract them.

[Budsbegginingspringinsight]

resilience


An adult would struggle with this level of abuse and bullying let alone...a child.
In fact we see adults complain of bullying on here, mostly from in laws.

OP there's a chance on hell I'd be sending DC back.

It appalls me how shit some schools are with bullying and yet others seem too be able too tackle it??

[Dieu]

Och, your poor lass. That sounds like hell on earth I would keep her off and look for another school place. However I would be wary of her transferring her lack of confidence and potential other issues to a new school, and have the cycle start again. Some counselling may help with that. Good luck.

[SnowyAlpsandPeaks]

My ds was bullied at the best school in the county, during year 8, although he did have a big group of friends, the bullying came from boys who thought he was ‘too smart, a geek etc’🙄. We had the ‘he’ll look back and laugh when he’s older’ line from the deputy head. The day she made the comment to me on the phone we applied at another school, the best in another county, and was lucky to get a place. He thrived. Made a big group of friends, met his girlfriend, got brilliant GCSE and A Level grades, and is now at university.

My younger ds is now at the ‘bullying’ school, although we didn’t want him to go. He’s thriving, doing well and no problems. Although I have spoken to several teachers about what was said about older ds looking back and laughing, and they and the chair of govs, were mortified when they found out how she delt with it, but she has since moved schools, thankfully!

So what I’m saying is I guess, moving schools can be a godsend to your dd, and she could thrive elsewhere. But also, are there different teachers you can approach to deal with this- as I’ve shown, some are shit! Good luck, and big hug to you both, i know how you feel, like your hearts being ripped out and you feel hopeless that you can’t make it all okay right now.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

@MumInTheCity, can I just say how wonderful it is that you're supporting your child and not sending her back to that school?

I had very similar experiences but was basically told to just get on with it - partly that was just how things were at the time (there was no CAHMS etc, or not near us anyway) but it was all just "too much hassle" to deal with a terrified, anxiety-filled 11 year old who couldn't articulate why she felt the way she did, and who needed someone on her side. 30-odd years on the affects of all that are still damaging.

[Debfronut]

Pull her out and home ed until a suitable school place comes up. You cannot learn if you are terrified anyway and suicides at this age are far to common to take the risk. Gently try to build her resilience and strength while she is off school and perhaps counselling may help. Good luck at least she has a sensible mum who is willing not to keep sending her back to a hostile environment.

[GreenTulips]

I’m going to disagree slightly here

You need to phone school and say she’s refusing to go to school - they can mark the register as school refusal

This kicks starts a change of events for senior leadership and the department of education - so effectively they have to up this game and show evidence of what they are doing and will do to prevent further schools refusal

[OddCat]

I'm so sorry Op for your dd and you.
We had exactly the same when my dd was at school and the school did nothing. Makes my blood boil.

I wish I had taken my dd out, it's caused lasting damage.

Good luck xx

[OddCat]

GreenTulips we did all that and still nothing happened apart from an offer of counselling for dd. She didn't need counselling ! She needed the bullying to stop.

Why are some schools so shit at dealing with this?

[VelvetPineapple]

Forcing the school to take action to prevent school refusal doesn’t mean those actions will be in the child’s best interests. My niece refused to go to school because of bullying. The school’s response was to offer to transfer her to a secure residential unit for children who suffered mental health problems. A terrible solution but it ticked the box to prove they’d taken action. Her parents were given the choice to either force her to attend school or basically have her locked away. Obviously they made her return to school and the bullying continued until she left.

[Mishappening]

Could any of us cope with going in to work to this level of bullying every day - I think not.

Take her out of school and write to governors to say they have failed to safeguard her - also to LA and talk to them about your options now.

I know something about this topic - do not take any risks with her.

[AnneElliott]

I feel for you op. DS is going through the same thing and I'm now looking at other schools.

Our HoY has said "boys will be boys" and "most kids don't mind being put into a headlock - it's just banter". He got the full feminist diatribe in response to the first comment - and now I am THAT parent.

They are also trying to blame DS for the bullying. Apparently he is too clever and witty and when he beats the billies verbally they have no other resources other than to thump him .

I'm aiming to do the full Complaints process but hoping he gets a place at another school. Meeting tomorrow morning fir us too as DS is refusing to go back.

[bellabasset]

Did you see this thread 'to think the school should be doing more to help dd' which was on the other day. Might help to contact that poster for advice as she struggled to get bullying handled.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Hi OP

No experience of this but I don't think any adult would go anywhere every day where they were being bullied and victim blamed for it and I wouldn't expect a child to either. If she is thinking of self harm or worse I don't see you have a choice - something needs to change and it doesn't sound like it's going to be the school

[sobernotjustforoctober]

Aww that is awful. Poor girl

I don't really have any advice but if I were you I would pull her out. It's so not worth it forcing her to go and nothing is more important than a persons mental health, especially that of a 13 year old teenagers.

It's really great that she feels so comfortable with you to open up and be honest with you about what is going on.

Hope it all works out.