To not send DD back to school?

[MumInTheCity]

DD is 13 and in year 8. Throughout primary school she was happy, intelligent, sociable but could be quite anxious. Since starting secondary school she has been extremely unhappy and her anxiety is through the roof. It’s been getting worse and worse since the beginning of year 8, mainly due to low level bullying. DD hasn’t really made any friends at school, she says none of the children like her, they all try to avoid being anywhere near her, they exclude her and they argue over who has to sit next to her or stand near her in the line.

DD’s anxiety became so bad that she started to self harm and talk about suicide. I have had endless meetings at the school, involvement with social services, CAHMS, and various other services. I have been as cooperative as possible, but nothing has changed.

Last week DD confessed, after much coaxing, that the bullying had stepped up a gear. She detailed some incidents of name calling, her being humiliated in front of a big group who all laughed along, and showed me some memes on her phone which had been sent round about her, criticising her appearance mainly.

DD is absolutely terrified of going back now that she has told me all of this. She says now that she’s told on them she will be bullied even worse and beaten up by them. The schools response has been to tell me that teenage girls are horrible and DD needs to learn more resilience. That the bullies will continue as DD is giving them the reaction they want (crying and being distressed.) As far as I’m aware, no action has been taken against the bullies.

In light of this, I do not want DD to go back there. I can’t put her through it and I no longer trust the school to safeguard her adequately. I have completed an in year admission form for other schools but there are no places available right now.

I’m not sure what will happen if I just keep her at home for the time being? Can I get in trouble? And AIBU for refusing to send her back?

[Helentwinsplus1]

We went through this in primary. We moved 3 miles over the summer and she point blank refused to go back. The LEA tried to persuade me to get a highly anxious, school refusing 10 year old to travel 40 minutes on a bus to school (bus goes on a conveluted route). I applied to 7 schools but none of them had space for her.

The head teacher of her old school suddenly got involved, contacted other schools on our behalf and we got her into the most amazing school who in only a year turned my daughter's life around.

She's now in high school. It's not been total plain sailing but the school have been amazing. If we've had issues they've been on it straight away. We've had a total of 2 days school refusal.

It might be worth seeing if you can access protocol in your area that she might qualify under. This ensures vulnerable groups get a chance of getting school places. This includes children with medical conditions and children out of education for more than 2 months. I don't fully know how it works so it's best taking further advice. A GPs letter or a letter from camhs might help here.

Not fine in school is definitely a good place to start. It's a horrible situation to be in, devastating for you and her so please be kind to yourself :)

[Mumofaprinny]

It sounds terrible and the schools wouldn’t know what hit it if it was me going in there tomorrow.😡 and no, I certainly wouldn’t be sending her back.

[NutElla5x]

I would not send her back to a school that cares so little about your child's welfare op. I think it's terrible that they expect your daughter to change (as if it's as easy as that ffs) rather than her tormentors,and would be telling the school that via a formal written complaint and explain that she will not be returning to school until the appropriate action is taken to stop the bullying! Good luck op

[IHateUncleJamie]

The school sounds like it’s handling it terribly badly. Apologies if I’ve missed it but have you gone above the Head of Year? I agree with not sending her in but I think you should definitely phone in on Monday and say your dd is refusing to go in due to persistent and increasing bullying.

As an aside, does your dd have any hobbies/interests like sport, dance, drama or music? Not only can these be very therapeutic for anxiety, they are great for making friends outside school and who have the same interests as each other.

My dd suffers from anxiety and while she was never bullied, she did need therapy for several MH issues. Her extra curricular activities (dance, music and county choir) gave her three different friendship groups and she found that invaluable when going through some very tough situations.

[disneyspendingmoney]

Marking my place so I can read later

[OnlyLittleMissOrganised]

I would suggest in your meeting asking if you can record it so you have a record of what they have said. Also it means if you need to complain about the way staff have handled the case you have evidence. So please get everything recorded and/or in writing.

I hope you get everything sorted for your daughter! Please let us know.

[DishingOutDone]

BTW OP wondered if you wanted to have a look at this thread and join us over here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3379730-Parents-of-anxious-kids-teens-support-thread

[zeeboo]

Remove her and move her. My daughter wasn't bullied but she had no real friends at secondary and was miserable. The school did nothing to help and I let my dd talk me into letting her stay there because she liked the teachers and it's proximity to home. By the time she did Alevels she was on anti depressants and only leaving the house to go to school or if I was taking her somewhere.
Please nip this in the bud now for your daughter. X

[ladylunchalot]

Op, totally agree with all the other posts to keep your dd off. Shocking how some schools tackle (using the word very loosely) bullying.

I've experienced the same with both dd (12) and ds (10). Dd started high school last year (we're in Scotland so slightly different system) and after 2.5 weeks we pulled her out due to bullying. It was the same kids from primary school who'd been friendly at times and then would turn on her, and it was all kicking off again. I hoped that the high school would tackle it but they were worse than useless. I contacted my old high school (Catholic school) who made an appointment for us to view it the next day. We visited and loved it and dd started the following week. She only knew 2 other people there so it was daunting. I can honestly say it's been the making of her as she loves it. I'm so glad we pulled her out of the other school as she was being slowly dragged further and further down.

Op, your dd's mental health and wellbeing are far more important than any school so you are definitely making the right choice and your dd will be glad you're in her corner.

[DobbinsVeil]

It would be wise to follow up calls and meetings with an email, summarising what was discussed for "the sake of good order". You can than include the statements made about resilience etc. I would expect an immediate back-track but a paper trail may well be something you very much need if relations with school break down.

[sobernotjustforoctober]

Aww that is awful. Poor girl

I don't really have any advice but if I were you I would pull her out. It's so not worth it forcing her to go and nothing is more important than a persons mental health, especially that of a 13 year old teenagers.

It's really great that she feels so comfortable with you to open up and be honest with you about what is going on.

Hope it all works out.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Hi OP

No experience of this but I don't think any adult would go anywhere every day where they were being bullied and victim blamed for it and I wouldn't expect a child to either. If she is thinking of self harm or worse I don't see you have a choice - something needs to change and it doesn't sound like it's going to be the school

[bellabasset]

Did you see this thread 'to think the school should be doing more to help dd' which was on the other day. Might help to contact that poster for advice as she struggled to get bullying handled.

[AnneElliott]

I feel for you op. DS is going through the same thing and I'm now looking at other schools.

Our HoY has said "boys will be boys" and "most kids don't mind being put into a headlock - it's just banter". He got the full feminist diatribe in response to the first comment - and now I am THAT parent.

They are also trying to blame DS for the bullying. Apparently he is too clever and witty and when he beats the billies verbally they have no other resources other than to thump him .

I'm aiming to do the full Complaints process but hoping he gets a place at another school. Meeting tomorrow morning fir us too as DS is refusing to go back.

[Mishappening]

Could any of us cope with going in to work to this level of bullying every day - I think not.

Take her out of school and write to governors to say they have failed to safeguard her - also to LA and talk to them about your options now.

I know something about this topic - do not take any risks with her.

[VelvetPineapple]

Forcing the school to take action to prevent school refusal doesn’t mean those actions will be in the child’s best interests. My niece refused to go to school because of bullying. The school’s response was to offer to transfer her to a secure residential unit for children who suffered mental health problems. A terrible solution but it ticked the box to prove they’d taken action. Her parents were given the choice to either force her to attend school or basically have her locked away. Obviously they made her return to school and the bullying continued until she left.

[OddCat]

GreenTulips we did all that and still nothing happened apart from an offer of counselling for dd. She didn't need counselling ! She needed the bullying to stop.

Why are some schools so shit at dealing with this?

[OddCat]

I'm so sorry Op for your dd and you.
We had exactly the same when my dd was at school and the school did nothing. Makes my blood boil.

I wish I had taken my dd out, it's caused lasting damage.

Good luck xx

[GreenTulips]

I’m going to disagree slightly here

You need to phone school and say she’s refusing to go to school - they can mark the register as school refusal

This kicks starts a change of events for senior leadership and the department of education - so effectively they have to up this game and show evidence of what they are doing and will do to prevent further schools refusal

[Debfronut]

Pull her out and home ed until a suitable school place comes up. You cannot learn if you are terrified anyway and suicides at this age are far to common to take the risk. Gently try to build her resilience and strength while she is off school and perhaps counselling may help. Good luck at least she has a sensible mum who is willing not to keep sending her back to a hostile environment.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

@MumInTheCity, can I just say how wonderful it is that you're supporting your child and not sending her back to that school?

I had very similar experiences but was basically told to just get on with it - partly that was just how things were at the time (there was no CAHMS etc, or not near us anyway) but it was all just "too much hassle" to deal with a terrified, anxiety-filled 11 year old who couldn't articulate why she felt the way she did, and who needed someone on her side. 30-odd years on the affects of all that are still damaging.

[SnowyAlpsandPeaks]

My ds was bullied at the best school in the county, during year 8, although he did have a big group of friends, the bullying came from boys who thought he was ‘too smart, a geek etc’🙄. We had the ‘he’ll look back and laugh when he’s older’ line from the deputy head. The day she made the comment to me on the phone we applied at another school, the best in another county, and was lucky to get a place. He thrived. Made a big group of friends, met his girlfriend, got brilliant GCSE and A Level grades, and is now at university.

My younger ds is now at the ‘bullying’ school, although we didn’t want him to go. He’s thriving, doing well and no problems. Although I have spoken to several teachers about what was said about older ds looking back and laughing, and they and the chair of govs, were mortified when they found out how she delt with it, but she has since moved schools, thankfully!

So what I’m saying is I guess, moving schools can be a godsend to your dd, and she could thrive elsewhere. But also, are there different teachers you can approach to deal with this- as I’ve shown, some are shit! Good luck, and big hug to you both, i know how you feel, like your hearts being ripped out and you feel hopeless that you can’t make it all okay right now.

[Dieu]

Och, your poor lass. That sounds like hell on earth I would keep her off and look for another school place. However I would be wary of her transferring her lack of confidence and potential other issues to a new school, and have the cycle start again. Some counselling may help with that. Good luck.

[Budsbegginingspringinsight]

resilience


An adult would struggle with this level of abuse and bullying let alone...a child.
In fact we see adults complain of bullying on here, mostly from in laws.

OP there's a chance on hell I'd be sending DC back.

It appalls me how shit some schools are with bullying and yet others seem too be able too tackle it??

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Support posts above that say you have been advised incorrectly about HE. You can deregister your child and wait for a place to come up in your chosen school. It is the same "in year application to transfer".

If you do not deregister, then you need to be clear with the school that you have an agreed way forward, as she is still registered with them and they can enforce fines etc. Though if the GP supports your claim that she is too ill to attend, they might struggle.

I hope the meeting at the current school goes well, and that all parties agree the appropriate way forward. I would suggest that it any further comments are made such as your child should not be reacting to the bullies, that you request that they put these in writing or retract them.