To be disappointed that Mum hasn't offered ANY help since DD2 was born a month ago?

[BadZelda]

Just a bit of a vent here, but my mum lives in the same city as me, and whilst I accept she'll never be a 'hands on' grandparent, it would be nice if she'd offered to help with anything ...as the older DD is a very lively 2.5yo I would appreciate a little break now and then. Also today is my birthday and was hoping she might offer to babysit so we can go out tonight, but my gentle hint was completely ignored...she did invite me to travel to north london by public transport to visit her at her house, but I'm obviously not too thrilled by this idea!

Of course I can also accept that it's my choice to have children, so I shouldn't expect her to have to deal with them...but it's just a bit depressing when I see grandparents that actually WANT to have contact with their grandchildren. Mum has taken 2.5yo out ONCE ever and has only seen the new baby twice since she was born? Is this odd or am I expecting too much?

My mum is like this - she lives a 20 minute walk away, and has a car. She only comes here when she wants something. I love her, and she is often my ear, as I am hers, but sometimes I need someone to watch the kids while I mow the lawn or something - and it doesn't happen.

why dont you actually ASK her to babysit if she didnt get the hint?

My mum is like this too. Didnt see me once wjile prggers. Never looked after dd and only seen her about 4 time in 2.5 yrs! She lives about 20 mins away.

I have heard on this sight several times now, comments about it being your choice to have children. Well from my very American perspective, your parents made the choice to have children too. And part of having children is having them grow up and giving you grandchildren. My mother has COPD which is a breathing disorder but she still comes over and spends time with the grandbabies. She even watches them for a week every year while we go on grown up vacation. I don't expect her too. She does it because she loves me and her grandchildren. Granted that I take my youngest with me because I think she is still to much for my mom to handle.

I think you should tell your mom that your disappointed that she has not been more supportive. Tell her what type of role you have imagined her taking in you adult life. And then listen to what type of role she wants to play. Maybe, you will come up with a compromise.

If she is not receptive to helping a little more, than you need to find someone who will help you. Everybody needs to get out sometimes.

Yeah - I know I should just ask her straight out - rather than being upset that it wouldn't occur to her to offer. It's more of a general feeling of sadness that she's not more interested in the children - but then she doesn't really do kids...I just need to accept that.

ok, i will tell you something. my grandparents dont care about any of their grandkids. in fact, as far as i am concerned i dont have grandparents. they never ever took an interest in us, and have spent most of our adult lives ignoring us. they dont know my kids, they met my dd1 a few years back and intorduced themselves as her 'great grandparents' she replied 'no you are not'

I do have 'surrogate' grandparents, who my own kids know more, and who dote on the girls.

it wasnt becuase of my parents that my grandparents are like this, its just the way they are. in fact, now, i choose to not contact my own grandparents, as its just not worth the hurt they manage to inflict on us by ignoring us and gossiping behind our backs.

my own parents vowed not to be like my grandparents, and have an active role in all their grandchildrens lives. its a relationship that cannot be forced, but is one that must be given willingly. my kids, me neice and nephew adore their grandparents, and grandparents love them. my mum is collecting my older two from school next week. my grand parents never did that.

"its a relationship that cannot be forced, but is one that must be given willingly" - you're too right. THat's why I don't bother asking her I think. But maybe I should.

in fairness it's your child not hers.she most likely feels her child minding/rearing days are done and dusted now that you are grown.

well I agree with Leati - and I vow to be far more helpful to my children then my parents are to me. They just sort of lost interest when we were about 15. They are very selfish though. Not sure if it's a 60s generation thing.

DH had this with his mum for about 10 yrs, until he decided to have a long conversation about it with her. They brought up loads of stuff in the past and he specified how he would like her to be.things were a bit "stiff" at first but now she is great and even has them overnight every few months. Maybe now with all your hormones having had the baby is not a good time yet but when you feel up to it be brave (it took dh a while to feel ready for the emotion that would come out from his mum)and tell her exactly how you feel and be very clear what you would like. If she doesnt want to do it then you cant do much else but you never know she may go along with it and in the end, end up loving the extra time she has with dgc.
Love your pics btw xx

Is there any chance that she doesn't want to interfere or come across as pushy, and so is waiting to be asked?

My parents have never, ever offered to have dd ... but if we ask they are happy to babysit for us. It took me a while to work out that they weren't being stand-offish, they just have other things to do and it doesn't occur to them to volunteer or to listen hard for hints - they expect to be asked outright.

I have extremely helpful parents (mother especially so), and my partner's parents are pretty helpful too, though in a very different way to mine.

But I don't think it's a given. We are really lucky that grandparents want to be involved, but they have no duty to do so.

To the OP - I could have written that post myself, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I feel your pain! Having the same problem myself; live a long way from my parents which they see as being my choice (not actually, totally governed by the work me and DH do) - I'm due in Oct, have a DS who will be 2.5, my husband works away and whilst he'll be there for the birth will have to go back within days after; I'm a SAHM (so DS not in nursery), my mum friends are mostly all working now and my other friends are busy with their lives - having an elective in a week my mum is off work and despite that she knew the dates months ago and her knowing that I am really struggling, she's booked a holiday to go away when the baby is arriving!!

I have spent sooooo many days and nights being so incredidbly hurt and angry about this - tried talking to her and she thinks I should just go up to them (3 train journeys with a bump and toddler ....no thanks) and yet when I do go there, she arranges a full schedule of things that she needs to get done. Pointless. We end up bored, lonely and even more knackered.

This is a rant and a half! Sorry - -I just wanted to say that unfortunately I think you just have to grin and bear it -it's crappy that she choose not to be involved - but she is an adult, she makes her own choices and this is all ultimately her loss. Difficult to hang onto that when you're on your knees and desperate for some help I know - but I just keep thinking that this will somehow make me stronger!! (how bad is that!!) I think maybe given that she is nearby you could directly ask her to babysit though......hints never work!! good luck with it all.

i can empathise with this also. When i had DD1 i was very young and was at home with both parents, they idolised DD1 as i was with them until she was two. They have always been there for her etc etc, she probably spent most of her time with them tbh. She is 17 now.

DD2 is coming up for 2 yrs. When i had DD2 my father was basically dying and my mums brother was doing the same. My mum just didnt seem interested in DD2 and this hurt. I suppose it was due to all the things taht were going on. She was there practically but she didnt even hold DD2 until she was a couple of weeks old, always made the excuse she had dirty clothes after being in garden with dog etc. IT wasnt until much later, after my father passed away that she became involved in DD2 in an any significant way, and only really when i asked. She adores her GD and i know she secretly looks forward to being asked to babysit, which at the moment is once or twice a week as i am working part time.

I think, apart from the fact we were all going through a difficult time ( i managed to get sick on top of everthing else) i think the reason she didnt get involved is because she didnt want to interfere. She sees me as an adult woman now and the dynamic of our relationship has changed dramatically. All i have to do now is ASK and maybe Badzelda, that is all you have to do. Grandparents like to feel useful and not a burden. My mum is actually not a well lady and i have to keep a close eye on her but no way can i offer her help or the like, it always has to be seen as she is helping us. So to get her to come on a day trip i often say would she mind coming along to help out with lucy or help with gardening stuff etc. That way she feels valued and i get to keep half an eye on her.

my mum is the same and she is now strange with her its saddens me i have to say

Misdee - interested to read your post about uninterested grandparents, as you are an adult so it has gone on for several decades, clearly.

This doesn't happen in our family as my grandfather would be about 130 years old if still alive. When he died, about 50 years ago he was on the other side of the world anyway.

I only had one living grandparent when I was a child, and she was a very old lady who kept threatening us with her imminent death, a threat eventually carried out when I was 20.

We now live about 30 mins from dh's parents but they are elderly and apt to be carted off in ambulances at the drop of a hat so we don't expect them to babysit. In fact, I know quite a few other parents in the same position, that's why I belong to a babysitting circle.

But all 3 of our dc's surviving grandparents are loving, and interested in dc's progress and welfare, albeit at a distance most of the time.

Does your Mum show interest in ways other than actually being with her grandchildren, OP?

Badzelda - I'm in just the same situation, and funnily enough started a thread about this very same thing just a couple of days ago. It's probably more common than we think, just that no one talks about it.

My mother has seen dd - now almost 8 months - just once. She keeps making excuses about why she can't come down, last week's was the rain (and the week before's).

But it's not her help I want, it's just her lack of interest I find so utterly depressing - I met up with my ante-natal group and one of them said that having a baby had really brought her close to her mother. That is what I'd hoped for, I suppose, that my mother would be better with my dd than she was with me, but it's not the case at all.

I don't have any advice, as I don't have a clue what to do with my own mother - the advice on the thread is to be honest with her, but not sure I'm up for that yet. Is there any reason why your mother isn't interested?

elasticgirl, i am in my 20's, my grandparents are in their 70's.

my mum is in her 50's, my dad in his 60's (his parents died before i was born, so didn know them) and both are active in takign an interest. as are dh parents (dd1 is always over there, and dd2+3 go there as well during the week).

just my own grandparents are, well, better left unsaid.

This is a subject I have written about before and I have empathy with many of the views expressed.

Suffice to say my DS is now 8 and to date my parents have shown little to no interest in him. My parents main priorities these days are shopping, holidays and fetching and carrying for my younger childless and working full time brother (my Mum cleans his house for him twice a week and Dad picks him up from the airport at all hours). It is very sad and when I'm feeling bullish I do say it is their loss ultimately. But its my loss too.

I feel that they are disinterested for a number of reasons; not least of the above but I think there are other factors as well like depressive tendencies along with an innate selfishness. My Mum actually said to me before I even considered starting a family that she would not look after any children I had.

I'm not sure if it's a question of duty though. To me it seems only natural for a grandparent to wanting to get involved with grandchildren and offer help. Just like it should be natural to offer help to ageing parents. One of my biggest regret is that, being here, I can't share the care for my very old, lovely grandmother, who's been such an important presence in my childhood. Don't get me wrong, we aren't a perfect family by any means, we fight, we shout etc...

Franca - I don't think there is any duty, I think that, in a loving, caring family, people want to help to care for those who are unable to take care of themselves (ie children, old people, people who are ill or disabled).

Unfortunately, not all families are as loving and caring as others

Absolutely, I agree

My mum is a litle like this too and it really irked me for a while especially sine P'sIL are always offering to help. I mentioned it to her once and she said "all you need to do is ask, I don't want you to think I'm interfeering" So next time I wanted to see my mate (she's 400 miles away as is mum and P'sIL) I asked mum if she wasn't doing anything could she watch DS for the night and she did- no prob at all. I've asked a few times since and she has always said yes, once even cancelling her plans to sit for me. The moral of the story? If you don't ask you will never know. go for it, she's your mum, what's the worst that can happen.