The use of 'RIP'

[Bumblebeezy]

Given that the use of RIP as an abbreviation when someone dies is so widely used and accepted I'm sure I'll be told that I am being very unreasonable but I strongly dislike it!!

I realise when someone uses it they do so with respectful intentions but surely when someone has died it's not really all that huge an amount of extra trouble to type 'rest in peace' (or I suppose the original Latin, 'requiescat in pace')?

Whenever I see it I just think it sounds so lazy, unimaginative, and insincere in the face of something as profound as death. If you are going to make a genuine gesture of respect then why do it with as little effort as possible?

It's not as though people are painstakingly engraving a tombstone, just typing for seconds on a keyboard.

I don't get it!

[Findingthingstough18]

I remember in a university class on the anthropology of death we talked a lot about the fact that death is often one of the most ritualised parts of life, and also one of the areas in which people speak in cliches that can sound very trite (having a baby is another). It's not because they don't have big emotions, it's because those emotions are so big that people often struggle to find the words to express them and so fall back on familiar cliches.

[Magenta82]

The phrase annoys me, whether it is abbreviated or not, it seems trite and insincere.
I guess I just don't really understand the concept, the person is dead, they aren't resting, peacefully or not.

[WarpedGalaxy]

Well, isn’t this a lovely thread? Grief grammar police now? You know what’s worse than people using perfectly normal and conventional expressions of respect and condolence, yes even the ‘hilariously’ misspelled ones on fb, it’s people being utter snobby twats about them on mumsnet.

[toomuchtooold]

I wonder if there's anyone else here from NI or the west of Scotland who've heard of the idea that RIP is a Catholic thing? My mother used to insist it was, although, she also reckoned there was a Catholic and Protestant chain of bookies and is generally pretty batshit, not just in a fundamentalist proddy sort of way so, you know, perfectly possible she's the only person who thinks this.

[MadisonAvenue]

It now forever brings to mind this which I once saw someone say on Facebook
"RIP in peace, ur raving with the angles now".

[downcasteyes]

"I guess I just don't really understand the concept, the person is dead, they aren't resting"

Yes, because grief is such an easy experience, isn't it? There's no sense that people who are bereaved might actually need comforting fictions and images to help them to cope. In fact, I think at funerals we should replace the ritual and flimflammery with a scientific discussion of the probable current state of the body. That'll be much healthier for the grieving.

FFS.

[ALemonyPea]

It annoys me as well Op, it almost seems disrespectful, like that person doesn't deserve the full typed out words. I'd never pull anyone up on it though, to me it's a personal thing.

I've only ever really seen it on FB when people are piling comments on a public post over celebrities/people in the public eye dying.

[Youseethethingis]

I find casual RIP messages a bit chilly. They can’t be bothered to say “rest in peace” so why bother to say anything at all?

[Shodan]

I have no problem with RIP. My beloved Dad died two and a half years ago and after discussion with my siblings we each put a picture of him on Facebook with his birth and death dates. Each and every RIP, along with every other message, was so gratefully received and did much to ease the grief.

However I do strongly dislike euphemisms for the words died/death.

My dad died. It was sudden but not sudden, it was a sharp jolt that caused pain, but it is a part of life. He didn't 'pass', he didn't 'go to sleep never to wake'. Euphemisms to me don't lessen the pain.

[PBo83]

Nobody is denying that grief can be difficult to manage. I assume we've all experienced it in our lives.

My essay post, was more about the role of Facebook and how:

1. With something as personal as bereavement, it's better to speak to/be with those close to you than broadcast an overview to everyone on your friends list. Besides if, for example, I'd lost someone very close to me, I'm not sure I'd want one of my family broadcasting about it to friends/colleagues etc. before the family had come to terms with it (or some may not have even found out). It's a respect thing.
   
   
2. When grief is used to seek attention, other people's genuine grief is hijacked to garner sympathy and grief is often fabricated in an attempt to seem caring.

[evaperonspoodle]

I associate RIP with Stephen KIng's Pet Sematary I see it most though on FB, always in lower case and always in conjunction with an angle.
A friend of a friend used to do a 'RIP Jesus, another year without you, on your 2015th birthday you are sorely missed' Facebook post every christmas day, so I usually associate it with that now

[Magenta82]

Yes, because grief is such an easy experience, isn't it? There's no sense that people who are bereaved might actually need comforting fictions and images to help them to cope.In fact, I think at funerals we should replace the ritual and flimflammery with a scientific discussion of the probable current state of the body. That'll be much healthier for the grieving.

No grief obviously isn't easy it is hard and painful and terrible, but I disagree that "comforting fictions" help, especially when neither the griever or the person trying to comfort them believes the lie.

Empty platitudes at funerals don't help. It is much more comforting and personal to have the funeral focus on the ways the deceased improved the lives of those around them and to share memories and anecdotes.

[downcasteyes]

"With something as personal as bereavement, it's better to speak to/be with those close to you than broadcast an overview to everyone on your friends list"

This is a personal judgement. It's not the same for everyone. Different people have very different relationships with the world online. Some want to grieve in a predominantly offline way, others take great comfort in the outpouring of support that often occurs around messages about bereavement.

A friend of mine died suddenly in his early 30s a few weeks ago. I knew him from a writing project we both did online - only met him once in person, but I used to look forward to a brief message exchange with him once or twice a week - and was shocked to realise that we'd been having these brief chats for the best part of 15 years.

His family's only way of letting the large community of people he knew online know about his death was posting on Facebook. A whole bunch of writers from all over the world who knew him came together on a community Facebook page for the online magazine we all used to write for, to remember him. Since we are geographically pretty dispersed, it was the only way we could really share our memories and our sadness.

[downcasteyes]

"Empty platitudes at funerals don't help"

They don't help YOU. People are different. Some may find them useful.

[WarpedGalaxy]

Yes, Youseethethingis we won’t say anything at all because not acknowledging a death at all is so much better than risking offending some sniffy judgeypants with abbreviations and trite cliches. It’s a very bizarre idea to me that you think most bereaved people actually give a fuck whether it’s RIP or Rest In Peace. Because, you know it’s not like they have anything else on their minds at that time in the midst of their grief and all.

Most at that time are just grateful if people are kind enough to pay their respects at all rather than picking apart the phraseology used.

[PooleySpooley]

@PBo83

I agree with a lot of your post even though it’s an unpopular opinion here.

I don’t think anyone has the right to judge yearly posts on FB though.

I have a friend who seems to play some kind of health bingo on FB constantly posts about her autistic son (diagnosed at 2 ), her miscarriage, her Lupas, her fibromyalgia, her mother’s health.

BUT this is a women who also previous to this lost her teenage son to cancer and posts a lot about that too and I think this is her way of coping and it’s all interconnected.

[LuckyBitches]

When my brother died I was very touched when someone said "may he rest in peace". This is from a Catholic friend (I am a weak athiest) and I knew it meant something to her and I was touched by it. Conversely, I was less touched by the person who left a message on gonetoosoon simply saying "rip" with a dancing banana emoji next to it.

[downcasteyes]

I used to be involved with a project run by my local hospice, which involved contacting bereaved people and giving them an opportunity to chat, if they wanted to. Some didn't want to speak. Others found it unhelpful. But some really welcomed the chance to talk, and would ask to be contacted again the next week, sometimes for many months.

One of the things I learned is that everyone goes through the death of a loved one differently. There is no right way, and no wrong way. In all of that diversity, though, one thing tended to be shared, which was the anxiety or fear by the bereaved that they were grieving 'wrongly', or that they were to blame for finding something difficult, or not difficult. This could become a terrible feeling of guilt or shame for some people, something they really struggled to articulate even with close friends or family.

Threads like this are not kind, not least because they're likely to exacerbate those fears. The last thing a bereaved person needs to feel is that someone is judging them for their spelling or their use of words. I can't emphasise enough that everyone is different. Just because a phrase or a style of grieving doesn't work for you, doesn't mean that it is useless to everyone or that those using it in genuine grief deserve your scorn.

[LuckyBitches]

I should add, I largely agree with you OP, I don't think it's too much effort to type "Rest in peace". on the other hand RIP is better than nothing, when I have been grieving the silence is the absolute worst.

[TheoriginalLEM]

Rip!!!! Something i keep hearing my 13yo dd uttering. As in the word rip - asking what she means its rip if they get killed in a game or fall over or drop something or suchlike.

[implantsandaDyson]

toomuchtooold your mum is right. The Orange Order certainly weren't above issuing edicts about how it was a Catholic phrase and members shouldn't use it. I do believe that they felt that it was a Catholic thing to be resting in peace and we should all be frantically repenting or burning in eternal damnation.

[RandomlyChosenName]

I kind of agree.

When someone on FB writes a post saying their mother has died, it seems so uncaring and such a lack of effort when someone replies with a sad face emoji and RIP.

It IS hard to know what to say, but it is better to think about it for 10 minutes and write something meaningful, than to take 2 seconds responding. It’s a “I know I need to respond but I don’t really care” option. I think I hate it because it takes no thought to write.

[evaperonspoodle]

RIP Jesus, another year without you, on your 2015th birthday you are sorely missed

Was you friend especially witty or especially devout? grin

Neither, she just wasn't that bright, bless her.