To wonder why MN is so keen on the 'divorced due to dishes by the sink' blog

[velourvoyageur]

This one - which I think actually totally misses the point?

First off, she didn’t leave him because he didn’t pander to her neurotically high standards of cleanliness and tidiness, otherwise it would have no wider social resonance. She very likely left him because he left her to juggle a two-person share of the household tasks in one person’s 24 hours. So while ostensibly he's posing as someone who can't understand why someone would be uptight about the occasional glass on the side, he's actually applying that reasoning to a situation where he regularly leaves his wife to tackle his dishes - because he somehow can't understand why anyone would want them cleaned. But of course he knows well it’s not some quirky individual femaleishness to be invested in having basic standards of tidiness upheld - everyone who shares in the benefits & is capable of doing so should muck in without anyone needing to be psychic or framing it as doing a kindness to the woman by relieving her of her natural duties. Do men really think that women have historically spent hours hoovering, washing up and doing laundry specifically because they, as individuals, have a particular liking for clean carpets, plates and sheets that men don’t share? 'Be generous-hearted and cater to her irrational womanly desires or face divorce.' No wonder household work is not valued when many men refuse to acknowledge that they also benefit from it. Alleviating wifework has nothing to do with being kind, it’s about recognising a fair division of labour in the household. And getting husbands to do their fair share by appealing to their kindness, rather than to their basic duty as one member of a team, builds a very shaky reasoning for why they should pitch in (i.e. 'I'm tired tonight, I won't bother washing this, I don't have to be kind all the time').

He’s riding on the wifework trend and that’s why the article’s been successful, but all he really admits to is not bending over backwards to please her whims as a response to differing personal preferences re: household management. What he’s actually saying doesn’t really come under the context of the wifework phenomenon at all, but he frames it in the related language, and comes out looking like this self-deprecating, endearingly naïve victim of modern feminism. I'd be hopping mad as his ex-wife!

AIBU to think he's been quite disingenuous and wonder why people cite it so much? (Happy to be disproved)

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing something to keep the peace

It's not that I see a problem with keeping the peace, so much as the things he describes as needing to be done just to keep the peace.

I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.

Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.

Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”

Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.

By equating all these things with the glass, he's saying that he doesn't understand why she doesn't want laundry and mud all over the floor, to do the things needed to look after their children or to have the other adult in the house occasionally think about buying toilet paper or something for dinner, but he will pander to her perceived need for someone to share that load as "a meaningful act of love and sacrifice" on his part. It's infuriating bullshit.

I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

She care so much because if you don't do it she has to do it or shit will build up and get out of control. Why is that difficult to understand. Also she is not your servant, its not her "job" and you are not "helping her out" by tidying the mess you make. He sounds like a twat that has learned nothing to me. He doesn't get it at all and that article indicates to me that men will never completely understand that when they do things around the house they are not "helping out".

Ah, I'll admit to having not read the blog massively thoroughly - I find the writing style disjointed and lacking in flow so I zone out every so often. I've re-read it and agree with @DoJo about equating perfectly normal everyday tasks with the glass thing (which I've said is understandable)!

*Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.*

^This stuff is not at all the same as leaving a glass or plate and knife by the sink in case you use them again, this is actually trashing the house, showing your wife you don't value the hour she spent mopping the floor and that you don't give a shit that she will have to clean up after you. And as for "helping with the kids"
Man's a bellend.

I think you need to read the whole thing to be honest.

There’s about 8 parts I think, the ‘dishes by the sink’ part didn’t resonate with me as much as the post about the mental load. I used some similar wording on my own husband - I don’t want to be the captain of this ship anymore. I don’t want to be doing all the mental heavy lifting as well as everything else plus work.

I wondered why, if putting a glass in the dishwasher for him was such a 3-second job she shouldn't get annoyed about it -- if it was so little for HER to do, why was it too much for HIM to do? Made no sense.

As for the rest of it - a glass by the sink maybe not, but clothes in the floor is DEFinitely divorce-worthy.