Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

in not wanting FIL near my baby?

24 replies

froozykins · 29/06/2007 17:27

Hi, I need some advice please.

I have hated my FIL since he treated me apallingly as a guest in his house,(banished me upstairs and proceeded to try and talk DH into leaving me), disrespected me in my own home by trying usurp my authority, getting my DH hooked on cocaine, using drugs in my home behind my back, taking DH to sex and swinger clubs, the list is endless and I could go on forever.

Now Im expecting our first child I get a feeling like the incredible hulk is squeezing my heart at the thought of FIL touching my baby, DH knows how I feel about FIL but says its just something I have to get used to.
Am I being unreasonable in not wanting this man near my baby? what should I do?

OP posts:

Bibis · 29/06/2007 17:30

No you are definitely not being unreasonable, why are you still with a dh who won't support you in the most basic way?

I would be very worried about your baby. If I were you I would deliver an ultimatum to your dh concerning your fil as your child's wellbeing has to come first.

mumto3girls · 29/06/2007 17:30

Well, I guess you got used to him and forgave DH for going to these places with him - as for letting such a disgusting man near your baby - come on..do you really need to ask?tell DH you had to get used to alot, now it's his and fil's turn to get used to your choices!!!

dassie · 29/06/2007 17:32

Not unreasonable BUT your dh is right - it is something you may have to accept.

You are the mother though so you have full control - do not leave him alone with the child, do not encourage contact, do not go round to his place.

And make it very clear that drugs are prohibited from coming anywhere near your child and your home- and if they do, he will not see the child again.

Your husband needs to know that there are conditions on this and access could be withdrawn.

Also, some people are completely different with their grandkids - you might be lucky.

mumto3girls · 29/06/2007 17:34

why might she have to accept a sleazy drug user who hates her having anything to do with her baby?

dassie · 29/06/2007 17:40

Because it sounds like her dh wants his dad to have contact. It is better that she is in control of the relationship than risk dh arranging things secretly or something.

I really think you need to lay down the law and have short, fully supervised visits. You don't even have to let him hold the baby if you are not comfortable with that.

From what you say of him, will he be that interested in seeing your baby much?

SweetyDarling · 29/06/2007 17:42

Sounds like they are both disgusting creatures!
No one should accept this. If you allow this man around you are letting yourself down as well as your child, and if your DH is happy with that then he should go too.
Sorry, but this sounds like something from a really depressing movie!

cornsilk · 29/06/2007 17:45

No you are not being unreasonable. You are being a caring parent in not wanting to have such an immoral person in your child's life.

Original poster

froozykins · 29/06/2007 17:49

Phew, im glad to know not everyony one thinks im unreasonable, i should point out though that DH went to those clubs before i even knew him, i just find it really, really bizarre that a father would take his son to a club like that, and also i helped get DH off drugs about 3 years ago when he broke off contact with his dad, they only spoke again when MIL insisted FIL came to our wedding.

OP posts:

ELR · 29/06/2007 17:53

i think you are totally right but your dh is right in saying deal with it i would just make sure that you only let fil see baby when you are around and only for a short while and if you feel uncomfortable dont let him in your house your dh shpuld accept that and support you

SweetyDarling · 29/06/2007 18:01

Why is her DH right in telling her to accept it? I would get myself, my DH and my child as far away from him as possible.

ELR · 29/06/2007 18:05

what i mean is that family is family and you cant avoid that as the grandfather he has a right to see his grandchild,
i am not condoning his actions just that it is something which needs to be accepted
Froozy i know its hard but dont let all this stress you out you should be enjoying your pregnancy plenty of time to worry about fil after baby is born

pagwatch · 29/06/2007 18:55

Ummm...as someone whose DC3 has never seen my MIL and FIL and whose other two children have only hazy recollections....family is ONLY family when they behave as such.
No one should have a presence in their childs life that they regard as highly toxic because they are "family".
DH and I tried and tried with his parents but when their presence in our kids lives was consistently destructive and unpleasant it became a total no brainer.

Surely the only issue is whether his behaviour is going to be tolerable or not.And whether both parents feel the same. If DH wants contact then you need to set boundaries clearly and in fairness he may be a crap father but a fine grandparent.
I believe that our kids need extended family but there is a limit.

mumto3girls · 29/06/2007 19:14

what does MIL think of FIL's behaviour and drug use?

DivaSkyChick · 29/06/2007 19:23

ELR - Is that correct? Do grandparents have an actual right to see their grandkids in this country?

muppetgirl · 29/06/2007 19:28

NO they don't have any rights.

Original poster

froozykins · 29/06/2007 22:12

mumto3girls - mil and sil think the sun shines out of FILs a**e. he beat up his girlfiend and even with the bloodstains on the carpet staring them in the face they refused to belive he did it, i hate him with a passion.
Unfortunatly this may not be a problem much longer, ive started bleeding and im very worried im about to have a miscarriage

OP posts:

vixma · 29/06/2007 22:17

hell no, is ur dh using drugs cos if he is crap that is even harder. It certainly is not something u should get used to and u can see this in ur thread. stay strong, ur right....well done for being a mum who stands up 4 herself.

mumto3girls · 29/06/2007 22:23

Oh Froozy - I hope you're okay...

RosemaryWoodhouse · 30/06/2007 02:44

I wouldn't let him near your baby. The man sounds like a disgrace. If the child is a girl I'd be worried about him sexually abusing it.

Original poster

froozykins · 30/06/2007 07:49

mumto3girls - i think its ok, im having occasional, very small bleeds. im not sure if this is spotting or proper bleeding? the nhs direct nurse didn't seem worried so i was probably just over reacting.

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 30/06/2007 11:30

sounds like spotting..how far along are you? Is there an EPU near you that you could call?

calordan · 30/06/2007 18:54

Hope you are ok, bleeding should be checked out, push for a scan just to put your mind at rest,

Original poster

froozykins · 01/07/2007 13:06

i am 8 weeks on monday, no bleeding at all on saturday and ive just been getting small amounts of brown goo like i normally get at the end of a period, did some calculations with the calender and i would have been due a period this weekend so it could have been that. will still go to gp although i don't think its anything to worry about now.

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 01/07/2007 17:42

Froozykins, some bleeding around the time you would have had your period is fairly common, but for added safety, you could stay as horizontal as poss - put your feet up.

I agree with you that contact with FIL is undesirable. As a grandfather he has absolutely no rights whatsoever; however, your dh has some rights so I think you need to discuss the matter with him. Ask him whether he thinks FIL was a good influence on him (dh) as a child, and whether a child should be subjected to the company of some one who is violent and takes illegal drugs.

I would also have no shame or hesitation in shopping him to the police if he does anything in the least illegal, and if necessary testify against him.

Flip