Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to get hacked off with looking after someone elses kids

46 replies

calordan · 28/06/2007 09:37

I need help, I have a friend who has 3 kids like me, problem is she is forever dropping her kids of with me or asking me to babysit. The last couple of weeks I have been trying to pull back a little since she asked could she drop in for a coffee whilst her middle child went for a school induction and then instead dropped off her ds and didnt come back for coffee. She has asked me a couple of times since then and I have made excuses, then last night, school play I was sitting with ds saving a seat for dh who hadnt arrived when her dh took their ds over to me and left him with me without asking me, both boys are 3 and wasnt long before they kicked off, I took ds out and left them to pick up the pieces with theirs, but the problem is I am now soooo angry and I am losing my perspective on what is ok, ds is v friendly with their ds and i dont want to mess that up for him but I really feel like I am being taken for a mug, in the last few months it has been at least twice a week, and it feels like she only calls when she wants something.

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 28/06/2007 09:38

think you should make yourself scarce for a while, dont let her use you like a doormat. you may have to say something to them, they are totally taking the piss.

elesbelles · 28/06/2007 09:39

ynbu at all! can you just tell her straight..i dont think you are being fair on me ect ect

Saturn74 · 28/06/2007 09:41

When she asks you to look after her children again, tell her no.
And if she drops them off without asking, then don't let her leave without them.
If she's a proper friend then she'll understand.
If she doesn't, then you are better off without her.

dassie · 28/06/2007 09:42

She sounds like a user and she is taking advantage of your good nature. I think what they did at the concert must be the cherry on the cake. If they don't take sublety (eg opening the door on the chain and not letting them in) then say something. It's not as if you are running the risk of losing a friend!

Does your DS have lots of other friends? If so, he's not really going to notice her ds becoming less of a fixture in his life.

Original poster

calordan · 28/06/2007 09:43

I think I need to say something I dont think they are being malicous I just think they are selfish and I dont know how to say it without completely offending the whole family, I absolutely need to say something about what happened last night cos I came home furious and lost it with dh and shouted at kids today cos I am so frustrated
I am not a shy person but dont quite know how to start this. I have tried making myself busy, but she still takes the piss inviting herself along to where I am and then putting her son in my car

OP posts:

elesbelles · 28/06/2007 09:47

you do need to say something about yesterday. next time she tries to put her kid in your car, say 'sorry, no i cant have him today' say it firmly and clearly. after a few times she will get the hint...im at her attitude tbh...what a cheeky cow she is!!

UnConfident · 28/06/2007 09:50

Tell her that you can't cope with an extra child as well as your own. Be blunt, make her see it from your POV.

You have to stand up for yourself, don't let this woman walk all over you!!

Original poster

calordan · 28/06/2007 09:50

but should I phone her, i am not good at having these things hanging over me, should i take the bull by the horns

OP posts:

KerryMum · 28/06/2007 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elesbelles · 28/06/2007 09:52

yes do it now! why should you be all tense because of someone elses selfishness...you will probably feel like shit after tho!

ColdComfort · 28/06/2007 09:55

You don't need to bring it up with her, just next time she tries to leave her kids with you, tell her you have a headache and can't cope with anybody's kids but your own today.

Gosh, you're not obliged to do what she wants, I think she probably assumes if you don't want to you will tell her.

Original poster

calordan · 28/06/2007 11:50

Thats the thing, I have made about half a dozen excuses in the last fortnight, and she keeps on asking, I think I am going to have to be brutal, its just that we live in a small community and I am wary of the fall out

OP posts:

VoluptuaGoodshag · 28/06/2007 11:54

You could say hey why don't we organise this better so you look after mine one week and then I look after yours the next - see what she says about that! Bet she runs for miles and finds some other person to dump them on

Original poster

calordan · 28/06/2007 12:27

I am almost frightened to ever offer to have her kids cos she just takes so much and it is becoming clear that she is doing it not only to me but to everyone she can get away with, thanks for the advice, will update you, will see her at school, will try not to bottle out, wish me luck, oh f*

OP posts:

Lilymaid · 28/06/2007 12:37

Don't give excuses about not feeling well etc. Tell her straight (but politely). If you make excuses it sounds as though you feel guilty you can't take them that day and she may come back again another day. Lay down your own ground rules.

scampadoodle · 28/06/2007 12:40

i am at this woman's behaviour!

toomanydaves · 28/06/2007 12:41

You must act now! Sounds like she needs you to be quite blunt with her. She may just never have thought about it from your pov. She may be a big fat user. Either way, she needs telling, and now, before the pattern gets too entrenched.

mytwopenceworth · 28/06/2007 12:47

Have you tried asking her questions?

If she puts her child in your car (I am assuming she does it without a word!) say "what are you doing?" what will she say? i am putting him ni your car? I want you to take him? he is going with you? Say "why?" not nastily, but just politely curious.

She comes to your place and then tries to leave without them "where are you going?" say to the kids, "better get your shoes on kids, looks like your mum is taking you home now"

Basically, ask question after question to put her in a position where she is fenced in and is only left with taking them, or saying will you have them. Anything other than a direct "will you take my children" to be met with why and what are you doing questions. And if she says i want you to/need you to/will you have my children, say no I can't.

Original poster

calordan · 28/06/2007 13:08

I think that the questions idea is brilliant, but I am still going to have it out with her today, re the concert last night. I am pissed off that i took it out on dh, when I wanted to be shouting at her.

OP posts:

ernest · 28/06/2007 16:16

I agree, no point in making excuses. You need to just say I can't, or no, nicely. I wouldn't phone up now to have a go about last night, tho you wouldn't be out of order if you did, but I think a better way to handle is just to keep saying no, but do not make excuses, cos you'r then giving the message that normally you're happy to, which you're not.

Was good idea by ?? to maybe make it a formal 2 way thing, but I suspect she'll conveniently repeatedly be unable to do her shaer, but still expect you to do yours. So just keep saying no, thus avoiding a big fall out. If she gets arsey she will be totally in the wrong & unreasonable and if you've remaind polite and friendly everyone will see you've done nothing wrong & that she's a piss taker extrodinaire

nightowl · 28/06/2007 16:28

ive had this problem. i actually one day saw my neighbour (she didnt realise i was standing behind her talking to my friend), pushing her child across the road towards my house with the intent of asking me if she could come over to play.

before now i assumed that although it was cheeky of her to keep asking, the little girl wanted to play with my dd. now im sure its the mother...the little girl was protesting, she didnt even want to come over to my house!

oh and the feeling was mutual.

muppetgirl · 28/06/2007 16:50

I would take some comfort that at least you know she does it to other people, not just you, so it's defineately not a specific take the p**s out of you directly. I agree with the other posters that she is a big fat user.
I think the questions thing is a good idea if you're worried about a confrontation in a small community, then at least once the'come on kids, your mums going, can you get your shoes on thing' has been said if she look puzzled you can always feign innocence by sayin 'oh, I'm sorry I thought you were going....'

Is there anyone else in your circle of friends that has the same problem with her? Could you talk to them and maybe put up an united front?

mrsboden · 28/06/2007 17:25

Personally i think, you have tried for several weeks to 'brush her off', making excuses not to be at home (so she can't pan off the kids to you), pretending to be going somewhere, and she still isn't taking the hint.

An honest, but frank discussion needs to happen, thats the only way to make you feel better and calm the anger thats inside!

Original poster

calordan · 28/06/2007 18:18

Thanks for all your advice, it has helped, I spoke to her and told her I was really angry about last night and felt put upon, as far as the constant babysitting goes I think I am now in an stronger position to not get pushed about, and you are right mrs boden, I do feel calmer about the whole thing now I have told her how I feel and the hints that I have been dropping for weeks, might be a little more obvious to her now, cant believe nightowls friend pushing her little girl over, did u have it out with her after that?

OP posts:

Original poster

calordan · 28/06/2007 18:31

now i feel bad her dh has just called and apologised for causing trouble and said she has really taken it to heart, eeughgh

OP posts:

Flip

1 2