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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that when someone is looking after my child to actually do so

20 replies

woopsadaisy · 26/06/2007 09:48

hi,
im back from short hols (was fantastic even though pissed it down the whole time!)
instead of feeling all refreshed im knackard and also incredibly pissed off because (rant coming)
when i got home i found out that dp had surprised me by putting a new bathroom in (v. pleased) so my mum looked after dd (instead of him) for most of the weekend
before she left yesterday she said she'd better tell me about how she 'lost jessica in sainsburys' (!!)
apparently my dd and half brother where running around playing in the cafe and my half brother came back and my mum asked where dd was and he said he didnt know, so she carried on paying for her meal and sat put the tray on the table and then started looking for her, because she thought she would just 'turn up', after looking for her she couldnt see her so she went to the information desk and they started looking for her, but they couldnt put a call out for a 'lost little girl' they had to just ask for a 'jessica' (understandably) apparently they asked if they called her to the front desk would she know her last name (eeer, no, she is 27 mnths) after 10 minutes some lady took her to the desk and she was o.k.
when my mum mentioned this i was fuming!! anyone could have just taken her hand and just walked out of the shop with her! my mum is normally fantastic but she obviously wasnt paying proper attention to her and now i feel really wary about leaving her with anyone (which i know is stupid)
the weired thing is, is i dont know why im so angry! if it was me looking after her, it probably still would have happened as it only takes a split second of not watching etc but i still cant help but feel really
i sduppose the thing that annoyed me the most was the casual manner that she told me, like it didnt matter because no harm came to her

OP posts:

crazylazydaisy · 26/06/2007 09:59

I wonder why people feel the need to tell you something like this after the event? If all is ok I would rather never be told. You are probably angry because with Maddie still not found anything like this brings our fears to the forefront. I would be angry too but try not let it show, or else things have a habit of escalating.
My mum too would say it in a calm almost jokey manner - not because she didnt think it was serious, but because she would know I was likely to go into severe panic mode and its her way of off setting that.
Try not to re-run things in your mind. I know we all do it, but it never helps xx

fortyplus · 26/06/2007 10:11

She told you in case your daughter mentioned it and probably because she was feeling guilty about what happened & needed to get it off her chest. Now you are feeling irrational guilt & fear. We all do it - try to let it go.

Wisteria · 26/06/2007 10:17

Hi, I can understand why you feel upset but yes I think YAB (slightly)U.
She told you what happened not only so you didn't find out another way but probably also so you knew your dd has found her feet and could do it again. As you said it can happen to anyone and she probably went through hell at the time anyway.
The irrational fear is a completely natural reaction to what has happened and will dissipate, these things do happen. Your dd is safe and sound now and everyone will keep a closer eye on her in the future because of it.

lilolilmanchester · 26/06/2007 10:20

I can understand how you feel,I really do. BUT as you say, it could have happened to you. The same has happened to me, and it's an awful feeling, especially as I was quite neurotic about keeping them really close to me at that age. Perhaps your Mum felt it better that you heard it from her than your DD. I can imagine she was frantic first about losing her then about telling you. We're all very much aware of how quickly something awful can happen to children, as Crazylazy says, particularly after Madeleine's disappearance. So perhaps a lot of your anger is about what might have happened. And perhaps feeling a bit guilty about leaving her. You shouldn't feel guilty, you deserved a break, and I'm glad you had a fab time. Perhaps you feel a bit better after venting your spleen on MN? And you can be damn sure your Mum will be extra cautious next time. Try to put it out of your mind, have a cuppa and reflect on your lovely break, and try to restore some of the relaxation it bought you.

Aloha · 26/06/2007 10:23

I've lost my ds in Sainsbury's and my daughter at my ds's school - she was found heading for the road to go home. She's two. It happens.
Enjoy your new bathroom.

fireflyfairy2 · 26/06/2007 10:25

As you have said yourself, things like this happen in a split second.

Last night MIL, FIL, DH, DD, DS & I were all in IL's house.

Ds was in the livingroom watching a dvd & dd came into the kitchen to get a drink.

When I went in to see if ds wanted a drink he wasn't there!

I ran outside, dh checked behind the sofas etc... but we couldn't find him.

MIL eventually found him in the bathroom washing his hands! [he had walked through the kitchen where we were all sitting & none of us had even seen him!!]

It opened my eyes as to how quick things can happen & how easily a child can go missing... & this was in the house!!

annobal · 26/06/2007 10:28

I've lost DS2 twice at DS1's nursery. Both times he was ON the road. I've also lost him at the gym where he was found in the CARPARK! I know this sounds like I am a totally irresponsible mother but he was 2 and going through a major running away phase. After a week of being put in the buggy everytime he ran away, he stopped doing it. It happens and it's horrible. I bet your mother feels awful about it.

beansprout · 26/06/2007 10:29

What they have told you has scared you (understandably). As people say though, these things do happen. It's hard to let go of the "what ifs?" esp as we have all witnessed the worse case scenario with Madeleine McCann, but dd is ok. I do understand your reaction though.

Original poster

woopsadaisy · 26/06/2007 10:33

im feeling a lot better after my rant and after reading everything you all have written, thankyou
i think i might need to ring my mum and just make sure i didnt upset her when she told me what happend and say thankyou for her looking after dd in the first place
the sitting in the buggy when they run away sounds like a really good idea thankyou, i will do that if she ever does it again

OP posts:

annobal · 26/06/2007 10:34

The key to it was strapping him in as he hates that! Good luck

GreebosWhiskers · 26/06/2007 10:39

As others have said, these things happen. I once 'lost' my friends dd who I looked after while her mum worked. My 2 dds were playing in the enclosed back garden & I thought she was with them. Went to get her when mum arrived & she wasn't there. Cue loads of frantic running around, checking up & down the street even tho' no access from back garden & front door was locked. Twenty minutes later found her fast asleep on the floor between my dds' beds where she couldn't be seen from the doorway - we'd been yelling our heads off for her but she was so zonked she didn't hear us.

The main thing is your daughter's fine & your mum will probably be a lot more careful from now on.

elesbelles · 26/06/2007 10:47

my first reaction when i read your post woopsy was at your mum losing her! but she must feel awful now bless her. as others have shown losing kids is so easy...ive lost all three of mine lots of times (sometimes together and sometimes not!!) it takes seconds and their gone... i would call your mum and laugh it off. i think it was brilliant of your mum to have her (more than mine does). enjoy your new bathroom by the way!

lilolilmanchester · 26/06/2007 10:54

Do call your Mum. She's probably upset about upsetting you on top of everything else. And she'll appreciate being thanked for her help!

OrmIrian · 26/06/2007 11:09

I'm always 'losing' my kids. But never for long. They stay close enough and always know where I am. Yes there is a tiny risk but it really is tiny.If DH is with us he spends the entire time shouting at them for not holding hands or for not being in plain sight all the time - so we all have a horrible time My mum on the other hand gets so stressed when she has all of them that I don't let her anymore.

I expect your mum told you because she felt bad about it and wanted you to say that it was OK and it happened to you too, but didn't want to make a big deal so as not to upset you. Sadly she failed in that . It does sound like everyone was doing their best to make you happy. Please call her and make friends again.

Original poster

woopsadaisy · 26/06/2007 11:19

me and my mum havent fallen out, i just think i may have upset her, so i will ring her tonight, or maybe get her a bunch of flowers just to say thankyou and sorry, i feel really bad now because i realise how she must have felt when she lost her and how it must of upset her to tell me

OP posts:

Wisteria · 26/06/2007 11:24

There's no need to feel bad - you had a completely normal and understandable reaction to not being there in a 'panic situation' and subsequently not in control of your LO. I hope you still feel that the break was lovely as I'm sure it did you the world of good to get away (I'm envious really!) - just a shame that this has happened to take the shine off IUKWIM

It is hard, for everyone; bunch of flowers sounds lovely and am sure it will reassure your Mum no end

OrmIrian · 26/06/2007 11:38

Don't feel bad woopsadaisy. You reacted naturally. Your mum will understand that.

nappyaddict · 26/06/2007 11:45

i think she should have told you. what if she hadn't told you and then your dd mentioned it. you'd be really angry you hadn't been told.

maybe she told you so you can be on your guard if she does it again and come up with a solution to stop her running off.

i agree she should have been watching her but it only takes a second for her to wander off and it happens all the time so you can't be too mad. how old is your half brother?

Original poster

woopsadaisy · 26/06/2007 12:24

he is nearly four

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 26/06/2007 13:36

i was gona say maybe it was cos she thought the half brother was keeping an eye on her but if he's only 4 it can't be that.

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