I'm a single parent and the in-laws live on the other side of the world.
I have 2 small children (aged 3 and 1)
I work part time, 2 days a week. My mother looks after the 3 year old when I work and the baby goes to day care. On the 2 days that my mother keeps my 3 year old, she also attends nursery for 2.5 hours, I'm never home later than 5pm.
I am massively grateful to my mother for her help. Without it my daughter could not attend the nursery at all as she would have nobody to drop her off at 9.30am and pick her up at 12. We live in a rural area, there are no daycares (I bring the baby into one in another town where I work)
There is one registered childminder in my area and a very small number of neighbours / friends of the family who I would be willing to trust with my kids. But here's the rub- my mother does not want me to approach anyone else for childcare or babysitting. She very much wants everyone to think that she is supergran and is very tied up with me and my children. She frequently uses us/them as an implicit reason why she can't help out with her disabled sister or why she can't attend any event she doesn't want to attend.
She is also disparaging of any of the people I would ask. She herself would trust nobody with them. She was a stay-at- home mum herself and had just 4 trusted individuals that she would have left us with on rare occasions.
She only agrees very begrudgingly if I ask her to help at all outside the 2 half days she does (which she volunteered to do). Or sometimes just doesn't answer me at all.
Or replies to my question with more questions and doesn't actually say yes. That's fine, that's her right, I get it, she doesn't have to help me at all. But the problem is she is very cross if I even suggest asking anyone else. She thinks I'm doing it to spite her or show her up. Ideally, going forward, I would like to be able to get out 1 or maybe even 2 times a month - a trip to the cinema or a lunch date with a friend. She has never yet had both kids actually, I've never left the baby when her once. I asked once and she was again so unenthusiastic/ non committal that I didn't bother. The baby in particular is very easy.
I guess as I write this I realise I need to just get some other help and be done with it. But I know she will be raging because, and this is key, it makes her look bad. The image she likes to portray is homely, kid-loving, helpful, put-upon mum and granny (martyr). She likes people to imagine that I lean on her really heavily.
Where we live in rural Ireland there is very much a culture of grannies doing childcare and it's like she wants to out- granny the other grannies, but only in theory.
AIBU to feel annoyed?
AIBU?
To feel annoyed about my mum and childcare
Polkadoteyebrow · 07/12/2018 02:09
I totally understand your frustration, my MIL is exactly the same, and I find it increasingly difficult to pretend that she is doing us favour when in fact the uncertainty drives me crazy & we don't need her anyway (DP buys the nonsense she spews about "loving having DC's" although I'm sure she just likes the kudos!) Difference being I wouldn't mind falling out with her about the situation 
. My advice would be to sell it to her that you want huge flexibly with regards to childcare & wouldn't want to put her in that position, and that you'd prefer her contact with the children to be lovely and not a chore. I know you shouldn't have to, but at least if she insists on keeping on doing it you can point this out at a later date!
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